of
Brat & TM
told by
NOTE:
In October of 1997 our system manager,Candace, felt that it was necessary and beneficial for brat(me),my twin TM, and herself to join together. She felt that the three of us together would make us stronger and able to deal with the things to come. Because of my "strength" Both TM and Candace joined with me. To reflect this unity I changed my name to Megan. Megan
INTRODUCTION:
WE ARE ANGRY BECAUSE:
The secrets that I tell here are the secrets of "Brat and TM".
There are many secrets that we have kept but we think the ones that involve the "camp" are important to talk about first. They affected us the most.
Tm and I were a team, she was action (physical) and I was voice (mental). In a sense we protected each other from the total experience of what was happening. With TM and I together we are now sharing and experiencing the total memories of what happened. We also have a really distorted view of time. We think that it is caused by something they did at the "camp". Because of that we have difficulty writing or telling about events in any type of definate order or on any type of timeline.
Anger and defiance are our stong points, it helped us survive. So,we are not going to tell our secrets here.. instead we are going to tell you why we are angry. This is our way of breaking the no talk no tell rule.
We are angry because cops told us that we were a difficult and special case and they were taking us to a special baby jail. They took us to the camp. We are angry because they tricked us and led us to believe that this was a kids jail and that only the really bad went there. We are angry because these men were cops it made us believe that all cops are bad and to fear them because they would take us back to the "special jail"
We are angry because it also made us not trust the system. It kept us silent. We are also angry that they also reinforced that fear and belief throughout our life. They made us fear going to the authorities to tell anything. We can't be sure of who to trust. We are angry that some in the group were/are cops and/or security and used their position and/or uniforms to trick us.
We are angry because they kept us in a small room at this camp. It was a small empty room with brick looking walls, no windows, dirt floor,and was dark and cold. They kept us in there with little to no clothing on and no way to keep warm. We are angry because they wouldn't give us anything to eat or drink. When they would offer something it had to be bargained for.
We are angry because when we tried to escape the cold, hunger, thirst and pain through sleep they would make us wake up. Sometimes when they just couldn't seem to keep us awake they would give us a shot. Also sometimes they would give us a shot and we would get sleepy but everytime we would fall asleep they would make us wake up.
We are angry because they would strap us down and hook wires to certain parts of the body, then zap us. We are angry because they would put things in us that hurt. We are angry because they were training the body to respond to certain sexual commands. We are angry because they twisted and confused things for us. They forced us into a belief that feeling good was bad and feeling pain or hurt was good. We are angry because our body betrayed us and responded when they did things to it. We are angry because they made us not want to be sexually close to anyone. They made us fear that if we sexually/physically felt good then we liked what they were doing and we were one of them.
We are angry because they would always force us to make a decision between bad and worse. Then when we would choose the one that we felt was the less they would twist it all and say we liked it cause we chose it. We are angry because they forced us to choose one of two options then they would use our choice to harm other kids. They gave us choices that were no win choices. We are angry because they made us and others believe that we were the ones make the decisions to harm.
We are angry because they made us not want to show any emotion. We felt that if we did they would use it against us. We are angry that when we did finally show some weakness/emotion they used it to break us. We are angry because they pushed us to the point that we had to hide everything good in a blue ball and lock it away to protect it.
We are angry because they made us believe that they put bugs up inside of us. They showed us the bugs and blood and said that the bugs would eat us inside because we were bad. It was to be a reminder every month that we were bad and the blood would be the proof. It was a punishment and a reminder of our defiance and the things that we had done bad.
We are angry because we now know that they used something that was normal for a female. We are angry because we still struggle with their instilled lies every month. After this TM and I became less body aware and refused to be around or acknowledge this "normal" process. It wasnt until around the time of the joining that I/we talked to a friend about what they told us. She ended up giving us a female biology lesson (something we never had learned) and helped us to understand that they had used a normal female process to trick us and make us believe that we were being punished.
We are angry that again they twisted something that should have been normal.
We are angry because they killed Justin. We are angry that they treated him like shit and that they set him up and that they blamed us for his death. We are angry that they used him to break us. We are angry because it kept us from asking for help from anyone for fear that they would be hurt because of us. It made us isolate and feel the need to deal with our own problems alone without any help. We are angry because they made us believe that we killed him.
We are angry because they tricked us into believing that we could escape. We thought that we could run and get away. They tracked and hunted us like we were an animal and then hurt us even more. We are angry because they took hope away from us. Hope that we could be free from them.
We are angry because they have reinforced that belief/lesson throughout our life. We know the hunt was used for many reasons, lessons and trainings. For TM and I the lesson was that we could never escape them. They would always track us down no matter where we tried to hide. We are angry because we feel trapped with no hope of escape.
We are angry because they made us feel grateful or indebted to them when they did something for us. We were to be grateful for food,drink, warmth. We were to be grateful or indebted to them when they revived us when they almost killed us with the zap machine. We were to be grateful for all the training they gave us because of course they were only trying to make us good and make us good at our job. It was all in the name of training,"job traing".
We are angry because even to this day some of them still continue to harass us and contact us. We are angry because they will not leave us alone. We are angry because they still want to control over our life.
We are angry because we have a right to be angry. We are angry at them for everything they did to us. We are angry at them for what they did to Justin and others. We are angry at them for all of the reasons listed plus the ones we didn't list.
