There was this little girl about 5 yrs old. She was being hurt. One day she got angry and fought back. Well this fucked up prickless guy went after her so I stepped in. I made her run and I turned around to hold him back so she could get away. Well the fucker took me back to the house and there started the punishment /anger lessons. I took the punishment for the little girls anger. I felt her anger I took it from her so she wouldn't be hurt any more because of the anger. Back at the house - prickless bound my hands then hooked them onto something over my head. It was just high enough that my feet touched the floor yet I wasn't able to get them unhooked. Repeating words, lectures of a sort, over emphasizing how bad it was to be angry and want to explode in anger and try to hurt someone like him. To explode was to hurt; to explode would cause death; to explode meant that you were bad and evil; To ever try to hurt harm or explode in anger towards someone like him would mean someone would be sent away. It was better to release the anger on yourself than on someone like him. Because of what the little girl used to try to hurt him he turned it on me and cut between my fingers to produce a flow of blood.
" Do not ever show anger. Do not ever try to hurt someone like me again" he said. I knew this was all directed to the little girl.
As for the little girl. I had to keep her safe because prickless said that if ever known they would take her away forever. I took her and kept her safly locked in a room. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping her locked away but I guess it may not have been a good thing after all. Even with me locking her away for her safty I was unaware that prickless still had access to her from time to time. He also had a few of his dickless friends around as well helping him. I guess that I was no match for prickless and his gang.

As time passed there were more lessons. Lessons in proper cutting methods, lessons in punishment lessons in guilt lessons in explosions. I lost my sense of reality. I thought in taking anger from everyone I was protecting them from the pain it causes. Yet in turn I hurt them through the punishment I had to give them for whatever they did wrong or felt guilty about. Prickless and a couple of his ball-less buddies taught me how to release the anger when I felt like exploding. The only way to relieve the pressure was to inflict self harm like cutting and or carving words into the body and watching the blood flow from it. It had to be done right though. It had to be a certain amount of sets (eg. three cuts = a set), certain depths, certain places that wouldn't be seen or easily noticed. I guess you could say that to implode was acceptable to them but to explode was not. For doing well as the lessons progressed I was given an Italian horn to wear. I learned my lessons well.
Losing reality. On this you could say that I lost who I was. I went from someone who protected a little girl to just another asshole guy hurting girls because they twisted shit and controlled my thinking. I lost or abandoned what I thought was right to become accepted by them so that the little girl wouldn't be sent away or hurt again. The explosions felt so unbearable that I took their route of solving the problem. I guess that that was the wrong thing to do but I felt that it was the only option that I had.
Over the years I took alot of anger from the girls and in taking the anger I also knew why the anger was there. Yet when the feeling of guilt came into it there was no exception and no reason... punishment had to be fulfilled. My explosion had to also be relieved. Eventually they started containing me, confining me to rooms and units to try to prevent me from punishing them. I was not allowed to be out on my own. To punish myself was pointless... I never felt what I was doing to the girls I never felt what I was doing to myself to relieve the explosions. I just did what I had to do ---I had to do what I was taught to do.
They use to teach the girls with what i call cpr--consistency, persistance, repetition. This is where I learned how to push to punish the girls. This is how the rest learned so I used the technique to punish. If you are patient and you repeat things over and over in a consistant manner the others tend to break. When they break they usually will do what is told of them. Yes, this is what I did to inflict punishment upon them. I am not proud of it now. Back then yes I was proud of my accomplishments. I took pride in what I could make the girls/others do. I am ashamed of it now though. I didnt realize that what I was doing was acually hurting them, it was just punishment.

It has been over a year since I have chosen to reclaim my life and who I really am. It was a hard at first for me to realize that what I was doing was wrong. I saw no reason to change the way I was or what I was doing. I believed to stop taking the anger from everyone and to stop punishing the girls for things would make me weak and eventually die. Yet there was two people who believed in me and tried to help without condemning. It took a long time to trust that they were trying to help me rather than the girls. I think the turning point was when they got together and sharpened a blade and gave it to me with some wood. After the things that they had seen me do to the girls they trusted me enough to give it to me. It is hard to change things but I have been trying to change and go back to what my main purpose was .. to protect. I don't want the girls/ others to hate or fear me. I still feel like I have to do something in a self harming way when I feel like I need to explode or when I feel guilt from others, but I try to find other options. Self harm and punishing is like an addictive drug. Once started, for me anyway, it is difficult to stop or turn away from.
One of the biggest challenges I face now is dealing with my own guilt, anger, and pain. As I see and understand why and what I have done to the others in the name of protecting and/or punishing I see my own guilt. Some say it's time for self forgiveness. For me, what I have done causes more pain inside than I can forgive myself for. So my biggest challenges are finding other options and overcoming my own unforgiveness.
One last thing I would like to tell you about is the significence of the wolf. I was compared to a black wolf at some point early in my reclamation of self. To the outside kids and also to the inside kids I am more known as "Protector Wolf". I think this identification has helped me and possibly others to see that there can be a different or hidden side to something that seems soo mean and/or feared. I have also tried to reflect this idea in my page. Most would have expected me to create a very graphic cutters/punishers page to reflect what I was telling. I chose to reflect what I am inside. Someone who feels allot of self darkness, guilt and pain and doesn't want others to be afraid of him anymore.