11/3/00

"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby..."

I wish I knew how you felt.  Well, you made it VERY clear at the beginning, so I really shouldn't be wondering, now should I?  Maybe it's that I
want what I can't have, or the chase that makes things exciting.  But, this time (and I really mean it this time), THIS TIME I think that I really like you.
I'm very infatuated with you, so much so that I'm obsessing.  I think about you day and night, night and day.

What the hell is wrong with me?  I have a perfectly good relationship that I should NOT screw up.  There's this tiny little voice in my head saying, "If
you haven't learned from past lessons, then history will repeat itself.  Think about what happened last summer.  Make a choice.  If you don't, the choice
will be made for you and you will lose both of them."  At the same time, a different voice says, "You CAN choose to be alone.  That way, if you're alone, 
at least it was your choice to make, and not one imposed on you."

I should have stuck to the original plan.  To be alone for a year.  But the loneliness proved to be more than I could handle.  I've spent so much of my
life being alone -- I just don't want to BE alone anymore, you know?  But, like any idiot with a particular fear, I thought maybe the best way to combat 
the fear of being alone was to be alone and to get used to it.  Kind of like a person afraid of falling jumps out of an airplane to overcome their fear.  
Same concept, different phobia.

The thing is, I don't want to have to settle for less than what I truly want and what will truly make me happy.  And I (maybe a little idealistically) believe 
that I can be truly happy with this one person.  The trouble is, I don't think he feels the same way.  Isn't that just a bummer?  I finally find 
Mr. Perfect-for-me, and he doesn't want me...guess he isn't all that perfect.  Then again, I am attached to someone else, so maybe that's preventing him 
from revealing anything about how he feels about me.  Who knows?  What do I assume?
A wise friend said to me that sometimes there is joy to be taken in misery, and that the Japanese term for it is "Mono no aware". I think I take joy in my misery -- kind of masochistic, isn't it? I have been called a drama queen, and I'll admit, I have liked it in the past. But you know what? I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of dealing with this. Sometimes I do wish people will leave me alone -- and yet, I fear that I will be left alone for the rest of my life. Isn't that just so damn ironic?

I'll stop rambling now.  It's time to go home and figure out how to tell the sweetest guy that no matter how hard I try, I can't love him the way he deserves 
to be loved.  And he really does, you know?  He's been trying so hard to be what I want that he's forgotten to be him.  No real clear or strong personality 
there, which is in itself the problem.  It just wasn't meant.  As for THE ONE...the one that I want:  If you only knew how I truly felt about you, you'd be 
running fast in the other direction.  I wish I could tell you everything, but something tells me it's just not meant to be.  And that's all I'll say on the subject.