10/06/02 Ė WHY IíM STILL SINGLE, part 2 (or "WHAT I LEARNED THIS SUMMER")
By The Tropical Princess
"Do you ever wonder what that other person is thinking? What do you say to a stranger that you barely know, and yet know more intimately than most people? I wish it wasnít just about sex. I really do. But really, I have no one to blame but myself. I mean, isn't that the image I project...that I want people to see so they can't see the real me? There are times when I wake up and I freak out because, dear sweet Jesus, I just donít know who that warm body is next to me. I mean, I know their face, their name, but I don't really know them. I donít know their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their emotions, their deepest thoughts, their favorite color, and their reaction to, well, whatever situation we happen to find ourselves in. I get myself into these situations, and then I truly freak out. Then I donít know how to handle myself, or react. This is why Iím still single."
"Saturday night, I fucked up...Because I havenít learned from past mistakes."
-- MMA, 9/27/00
Funny how things never change, and yet they do. I wrote that at the time feeling ashamed that I had let BD down, that I pretty much ruined our relationship. Little did I know how much worse I could be.
Wow, what a summer. What a crazy and wacky summer. It all started with KM. In fact, I told him last week that he opened a Pandora's box earlier this year with his seduction (albeit, a willing seduction) of me. He seemed proud of the fact, almost as if he had given me a gift. I suppose it was, in a way -- a gift, I mean, even though at times it really didn't feel like it. It all started that fateful day at the office. I was so wrapped up in party planning to have any time for myself. RS coming by with KM was like a sign from God (and I take signs from God very seriously), telling me that I needed to take a break. So I did.
The aftermath of that fateful evening is still being felt. It was the first one night stand that I've ever had -- admittedly, BD was supposed to be a one night stand, but ended up a two-year, on-off relationship. I didn't intend for KM to be a one-nighter, or any sort of nighter. I felt like crap. So, I thought to myself, I need to learn to have sex like a man -- with no emotions or messy aftermath involved. I need to learn to just appreciate the physical act in and of itself, without feeling something for the other person. And that is what I set out to do.
Now, I really shouldn't say "this summer," because really, it happened over the course of six weeks at the end of summer. I didn't really work up the courage to look around until I was sure that it was a dead deal between KM and me. In a fit of pre-menstral rage and depression over the fact that he didn't call when he was in town, I decided to make my first move. It was early one July morning before I had to audit. I joined match.com.
Within the first few hours of posting, I got four responses. Within the first day, 30. I was a bit overwhelmed and just a tiny bit intimidated. But, I thought of KM and our night and everything afterwards, sucked it up, and then wrote a couple of my own emails. And then I made my first mistake -- I discovered the personals section of Craigslist.
This lead to a path of self-destruction. Without going into much detail (partly because I'm lazy and partly because someone might actually be reading this and I don't want to keep them up too late *wink wink*), all I can say is that between the two (match.com and craigslist), I learned some valuable lessons: Curiosity really did kill the cat. Sex is cheap. I'm still a hopeless romantic (damn you, Mrs. Behonek :-). I shouldn't stop trying (damn you, Teddy! :-) And I really need to learn to say no to temptation. *ahem*
This whole temptation thing is landing me in so much trouble. I mean, I should learn to say no, I really should. No one ever taught me that. Until he came along.
Well, well, well. There's much to be said for a ninety-day warranty. A lot. I mean, really. I can finally say that I know my limits. I know that if I stick it out more than 90-days, I will sooner or later be emotionally attached to a person and then it'll go downhill from there. Call me a cynic and color me stupid. It's happened so often before, I'm just so used to it. So in comes the 90-day rule. And dammit, right now, I want a refund.
Screw the sex-club scene. Screw the whole online dating thing. I've found someone. I've found her. That's right. I'm bisexual. Just get over it already, it's not like I'm attracted to anything in a skirt (I am, after all, a GIRL!!!) I was talking with a couple of lesbians over the weekend, and we're all in agreement -- with lesbian relationships, the relationship, from an emotional standpoint, is much more intimate than a relationship between a woman and a man. These ladies should know -- they've had the best of both worlds.
If I could do one of those funky graduation speeches, it would start outlike this: Lie convincingly, and with authority. You never know who will check up on your lies, and whether they are a good liar themselves. Ignorance is bliss. It really is. Know that before you ask a question you may not want to know the answer to.
A letter to a soon-to-be ex-lover:
Hereís my bone of contention: I hate men who canít lie. Because, you see, to me, ignorance really is bliss. And thatís where my story starts. Iíve noticed that youíve made some silly little errors in your lying. You may say all you want that you arenít lying, but please, I can smell a lie a mile away. To get into the details would be overly petty, but I know. Do you really want me to tell you how I do? Does it really matter at this point?
See, EFA, the reason I changed my mind about the sex club is because I just wanted to go away. I mean, whatís the point of our going out and my spending time together with you if you donít want any emotional entanglements or attachments? Rather than wait for the day that you decide youíre tired of me, I decided to just quit. I mean, why waste time? I didnít join match.com to find a sexual fling Ė if I had wanted that, I would have posted in the casual encounters section of craigslist.org. I wanted (and still want) to explore sexuality, all different sides and aspects, with that one special person. Iíd like to settle down Ė Iím at the end of ďthe listĒ of wild oats to sow before I settle. Iíve pretty much done everything on that list, and now I want to do everything on that list again with only one person.
I know that men, in general, are taught to go to bed with whores, but wake up with virgins. A virgin or a whore I will never be, but Iíd like to think of myself as somewhere in the middle Ė someone with whom a guy can still have loads of adult fun, but still take home to mom. Somehow I get the feeling that you donít see me that way. Thatís fine Ė to each his own, right?
I really like you Ė a lot. But Iím imposing a strict 90-day policy with myself, and buddy, your 90 days are up. You are not the only who has been burned Ė Iíve been burned, too. I know my own limits. If I spend any more time with you, Iíll get too emotionally attached and then Iíll get hurt, and Iíve been down that road way too many times before not to recognize the signs.
I wish you well, and Iíll always remember you.
All lessons well-learnt. EH said that I've changed much, and yet, not at all. He's right, as usual. Underneath it all, I'm still me. And that was the best lesson of all.
Deja vu. Oh dear God, please don't let one night of mistakes lead to the mistake of a lifetime. Pray with me people. I mean it.