11/28/01

4 months...almost.

Love is patient, love is kind...blah blah blah...  Too bad I wasn't listening in church.

Do I regret?  I have to say, out of all the ones so far, I have never regretted anything, with the exception of hurting AC, 
who never deserved the shabby way I treated him.  I do, however, regret this.  Not because it brought bad
memories, but because it gave me so many good ones.  I really liked him, you know?  I genuinely liked him.
I can tell you exactly why I've been with every single guy since Ed:

JT -- Rebound
FC -- Sex (bad sex, but sex all the same)
AC -- Emotionally needy after the whole F thing
RT -- Because things with A were getting too serious
SN -- Rebound
BD -- Sex (really, really good sex, but sex nonetheless)

Then that whole thing with Ed and the fact that he's gay...I realized that for a long time, I'd been holding my breath and turning blue.  That I've been
waiting, in my own way, for him to come back.  When I figured out that he wasn't coming back, I was finally free.  Free to find someone else to love 
and be loved by in return.

So this relationship, this was an attempt to really love someone.  To fall in love all over again, never mind about getting hurt.  And I did.  
I actually gave my heart to this person.  This childhood friend of mine.  I gave my soul because I could see in him a future I hadn't even 
thought about since Ed.  You know when you just know something so absolutely that everything you thought you knew before then just 
fades to darkness?  I knew absolutely that I really could fall in love with this person -- deeply in love, and that it wouldn't take long.  
I hate it when I'm right.

Why do I regret something as beautiful as love?  Because once you experience the joy of loving someone, it's so hard to let go.  It's hard 
not to be reminded of them constantly -- and I bet you know what I'm talking about.  I can't look back at my childhood without recalling 
memories of him.  I can't look around now without thinking about him.  Freakishly, we think alike.  Isn't that weird.  We have much the 
same outlook.  And we're just different enough from each other to keep things interesting. 

My mom said to be patient.  I never listen to my parents.  Maybe that's the problem.  I don't know.  You know, I never got to tell him 
something -- and that is the most impossible thing for me to accept (aside from the fact that he's still not over his ex) is that he doesn't love me.
I could be patient, I could even still move down to LA (and I still might, at that), but I've already been in one serious committed relationship
where I waited for someone love me {again} in return, and where that never materialized...I need to know that he loves me now.  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, instant gratification is bad...blah blah blah...Who ever said that was smoking some serious crack.  I mean, what if he 
realizes that he could never love me?  

Maybe the bigger problem I have is that I have no faith.  Okay, I admit it, I have no faith -- or a serious lack of faith.  I mean, I have some faith. 
But not a whole lot.  And what little I have, gets smaller day by day...Someday, I'll just be a hermit because I won't have faith in my fellow man. 
How can one have faith when so many things are going wrong today?  I look at my friends and they are so happy...and yet, I have little faith 
that I will ever get to experience that same happiness...Sad, isn't it?  Maybe I shouldn't believe everything that a fortune teller tells me...
then again, one once told me that I would end up with a Filipino guy from my past...I thought he was psycho...I guess not.