4/25/01 I think I like being alone. I just miss him, that's all. 5/18/01 Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. God please no. How would YOU feel if you found out the love of your life, the one you have been waiting for, and would have continued to wait for, was gay? That everything that you had been told, EVER, was a total and complete lie? That everything that you had ever believed about love was a sham? Life pretty much has no meaning right now. 6/2/01 Thanks to all my friends who remembered my birthday. The best birthday gift of all probably came from Erik. Thanks for helping me find the resolution I've been searching for for over 5 years. And I still love you Ed, no matter what. -m- 7/16/01 The healing process is slow and drawn out. I've been thinking about someone -- or rather trying unsuccessfully to forget someone, but ending up thinking about them even more. Instinctively, I knew I was not ready for this, for him. His eyes told me everything I didn't want to hear, to see...that if we fell, it would be wonderful, for a short while. I wasn't ready, I didn't want that, and I didn't trust it, trust him. Somewhere along the way, I knew I had to make him NOT want me. So I killed the desire before it had a chance to burn me. So much for that prospect... ...and yet I still think about him. He's invaded my thoughts, my heart, my soul, my being. Why did I allow this to happen, because I think I knew deep down that it would. I didn't want to hear from him again. I didn't want to see him again. Why the hell did he have to contact me, to see if I was alright? Why couldn't he have just left well enough alone? I was perfectly fine minding my own business, not letting anyone get to me...and yet this one, this one found a way in. Dammit. I am such a sucker for pretty boys with pretty eyes, pretty hair and a pretty smile. Pouty red lips, rosy red cheeks, innocence epitomized. He looked like a member of the Vienna Boys Choir. All saintly, totally devilish. A strange paradox, an oxymoron of a lover. Two sides of the same coin. Where can I find another one? Because I can't and WON'T settle for anything less than...HIM.