Jokes Page

Here's some funny stuff i found...

MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer and Curry.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking JERKS.
5. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
6. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
7. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
8. He heard you the first time.
9. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
10. If youtruly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

Things to do in an Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

FOOL'S PARADISE

---------------

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

EGGING HIM ON
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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

This is pretty gross....

Recipe Ingredients

2 Laughing eyes
2 Well shaped legs
2 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased - check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers).
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts; leave to soak (preferably not over night).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

NOTES:

1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use and cover with mixing sheath.
2. Use caution when licking mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

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