Maybe you don’t think there are problems with the world and it’s all mass delusion on the part of hundreds of rabid tree-hugging hippie liberals. You’re entitled to your point-of-view. But give our site a look and see if something catches your eye and makes you wonder. If you think there are tons of problems in the world and you’re wondering what you can do to help, you’ve come to the right place. We can provide you not only with information but also with important links and addresses of organizations dedicated to conservation and action. In the months to come as this site grows, we’ll be bringing you interviews, bigger and better links, and possibly our own programs dedicated to “saving the world.” Stick around and find out.

If you’ve made it this far, please stay a while and take a look at some of our pages. It isn’t much thus far, but then again the genesis of this page came about when we had a end-of-the-semester project due in our Our Global Future class, so we’re doing the best we can (at this point) to appease our teacher. Hi, Mr. Booth! Fortunately our love for nature runs deeper than paltry concerns for grades, so we’re here for the long haul. Thanks for dropping by, enjoy yourself, and please enjoy this environmentally-themed rant from 1996 by Dennis Miller courtesy of his book, The Rants. We don’t agree with all of it, but we do agree it pretty funny. Thanks again for coming. Tell your friends!

The environment by Dennis Miller

You know, I was driving to work in LA the other day and there was some guy on talk radio claiming that federal pollution rules are too tough. I would have called him to argue but because the smog was so thick I couldn’t see the numbers on my car phone.

Has anyone seen the Los Angeles skyline lately? I think God invented the LA Basin so he’d have someplace to stub out his cigarettes. And we all know the problem is not just in LA, it’s nationwide. Hell, it’s global.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but we treat our whole planet the way college kids treat a frat house – we say we love it, then we piss on the stairs. There are so many oil spills our waterways are now classified “leaded” and “unleaded.” By the year 2015, the earth’s oceans will have a hard candy shell like an M&M. It’ll be “Tupper-World.” Eventually, every six weeks we’ll have to burp the coastline.

And, as is frequently the case with human endeavors, there are two well-entrenched factions feuding over the environment, both convinced that their beliefs are sacred. But both sides probably aren’t as far apart as they think they are on ecological matters. Remember – a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.

But, truth be told, in a battle between corporate profits and the environment, the environment has about as much a chance of coming out on top as Pat Buchanan does of winning a “Soul Train” lifetime achievement award.

Will our politicians save us? Guess again, Woodsy Owl. They’ve already slashed the budget of the Interior Department, ended funding for environmental programs, and supported cleanup laws that are literally written by paid lobbyists from the industries that pollute the worst. When it comes right down to it, the green in our parks and forests will always take a backseat to the green in our legislators’ wallets.

Where do I stand on ecology?

Well, I don’t want to sound like a wuss, but I’m somewhere in the middle on this one. I’m sure we all find it alarmed that every year twenty thousand species become extinct and yet that Bronson Pinchot/Mark Linn-Baker piece of shit continues ad infinitum in syndication.

But then there’s the flip side of this whole issue. Beyond ecology. Way out there on the fringe, we have the photo-synthetically-crazed zealots – you know, the kind of people who jerk off to The Hellstrom Chronicles - the people who will tell you that virtually anything we do can wreck the quote/unquote “delicate balance of nature.”

I have no idea what that refers to. From what I can tell from the Discovery Channel, the earth has traditionally been about as well balanced as Amanda Plummer on a triple espresso.

I mean, do we need to save every last goddamn variation of sandbug known to man? Do we really need the three-clawed hermit crab? The insouciant crab? The cable installer crab? Fuck the crabs . . . and the seahorses they rode in on.

What we have to do is split the difference between utter disregard and paranoid concern and light down on pragmatic, well-reasoned, and, most importantly, attainable solutions. After all, we’re talking about the future of our earth. The planet all of us call home, with the obvious exception of Bob Dornan.

So what are those solutions? Well, I think we all agree that the first step toward making this a greener planet is clearly, more songs by Sting.

But here are some other surefire recommendations to save the planet.

ONE – We need to bite the Alva Edison bullet and reduce our power consumption. A nice first step in saving wattage might be to cut back on the number of digital electronic signs outside the Hard Rock Cafes alerting us to imminent problems in the ecosystem.

TWO – When using spray deodorants that contain chlorofluorocarbons, try not pointing it so much toward the ozone layer. We need the ozone, and currently, it has more holes in it than the plot of a Steve Allen murder mystery. Remember – the ozone keeps radiation out. The beach is no fun in a two hundred-pound lead muumuu. Unless of course, you’re Alan Carr.

THREE – If you visit South America, don’t burn down their rain forests.

FOUR – When you throw an aluminum can out your car window on the freeway, try to make sure it lands in a place easily visible so that the squares can clean it up.

FIVE – Get Hanna-Barbera to share the technology that allowed automobiles to run on foot power.

SIX – Petroleum companies, don’t hire drunken freighter captains who’ll inevitable end up spilling more oil around than Nick Barkley’s barber. Christ, we’re still paying the piper in Prince William Sound. If Exxon dragged its feet any more on that cleanup they’d look like Richard the Third.

SEVEN – Take your kids to an actual forest and not a theme park called Arbor Land, “where the trees almost seem kinda semi-real, don’t they?”

EIGHT – Get rid of the mini malls. How many tanning salons-slash-do-it-yourself frame store-slash-manicure parlor-slash-Mailbox USA-slash-Taekwondo doughnut joints do we fucking need?

NINE – Recycle. Get rid of the mini malls. How many tanning salons-slash-do-it-yourself frame store-slash-manicure parlor-slash-Mailbox USA-slash-Taekwondo doughnut joints do we fucking need?

AND TEN – Let’s all be adaptable, people. There’s always a compromise solution out there, if you just look hard enough for it. To all our friends in Taiwan – you guys like the taste of tiger penis soup? You think it’s a delicacy, do you? Doesn’t mean you have to kill the tiger. Use your heads. Just order a bowl of chicken broth . . . then have a tiger walk over and tea-bag his dick in it.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.