Basic rules for dogs who have a yard to protect
Posted to the humor list by Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@lunatic.com>
09 Dec 1997

VISITORS

      Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING

      Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING

      Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES

      Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS

      The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING

      Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE

      Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING

      Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS

      Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES

      It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING

      If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS

      When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING

      Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Doggie Pledge
from A Joke A Day Ministries 02/01/99

  • I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

  • I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

  • The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

  • I will not throw up in the car.

  • I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

  • I will not chew everything that I find on the floor.

  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

  • I will not eat other animals' poop.

  • I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

  • I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

  • "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

  • I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

  • The cat is not considered a snack.

  • I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

  • I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

  • I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

  • When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

  • I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

  • We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

  • I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

  • The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

  • I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

  • I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

  • The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

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