Here are our 2 cats: Shadow, the black & white male (Maggi wanted to call him Skunk-Face) and Baby Love (or Babers), the calico.
We adopted them last July when they were little Kittens (very little).
They are brother & sister

They love each other... aren't they cute

But sometimes it's hard to tell when they play... and vicous too

Do your cats act like they never get fed? Ours do...
[Try This]
and here are the rules that they live by...
Rules for cats who have a house to run
Posted to the humor list by Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
31 Jan 1997

DOORS

      Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS

      If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS

      Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

HAMPERING

      If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".

Following are the rules for "hampering":

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

  3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

  4. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

  5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING

      As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME

      Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.


Cats in Physics
Posted from AndyChap's the funnies for 2-23-99

1 - Law of Cat Inertia:
     A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion:
     A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism:
     All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
     Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching:
     A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping:
     All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation:
     A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration:
     A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
     Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration:
     No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance:
     A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation:
     Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation:
     Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation:
     If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
     Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
     A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
     All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment:
     A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption:
     A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement:
     A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing:
     A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement:
     A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest:
     A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection:
     Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition:
     A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Posted from Clean Jokes


Cat Commandments

>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy humans' genital regions.
>^,,^< Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
>^,,^< Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
>^,,^< Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
>^,,^< Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
>^,,^< Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
Posted from Joke of the Day


Feline Guide to Life
I Received this one from A Joke A Day Ministries 10/19/99
It adds a little more to the "Rules for cats who have a house to run"

DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swing doors must be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering"

RULES FOR HAMPERING:

  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you lie across the book itself.
  3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap a pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it; remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
  4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards -- first, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.
  5. When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move around.

PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of the body as if to say, "I meant to do that." It fools humans every time.

CAT GAMES:

  1. "Catch Mouse" - Humans would have you believe that those lumps are their feet and hands. They're lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse.
  2. "King of the Hill" - This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cats. Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

WARNING: Playing these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the human grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it this means it's a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys: Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cats and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on an uncarpeted floor. Dangly and string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse, and should be killed at all costs. Take care! Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

PAPERBAGS:
Within paper bags are the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the in bag. Anything up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for a Bag Mouse is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great tag match.

SLEEPING:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Good places also exist outdoors, but you have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use scratching posts the human may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no.

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary function: To feed us, to play with us and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so they will not forget who is master of the house. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
Posted from [Laughworks]
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How to Wash a Cat (Man-Style)
I Received this one from A Joke A Day Ministries 10/21/99

  1. Flush the toilet several times.

  2. Allow toilet to fill with water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

  3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

  4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions, which will also clean out your toilet. Read a magazine while waiting.

  5. Flush the toilet a few times to rinse the cat.

  6. Leap off the toilet seat, dash out the doow, and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if powered by a jet engine.

  7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Watch TV while waiting.
P.S. Be sure to remove the blue 2000 Flushes from the tank before beginning.


Does Your Cat Have Problems?
from A Joke A Day Ministries 12/17/99

      How to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions.
  1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?

  2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?

  3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

  4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?

  5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition?

  6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
      If you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . .

      Relax, your cat is normal.

Posted From [Kitty's Daily Mews]

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