Daph, will you hurry up, he can barely breathe in this thing.

It'll teach him not to do it again if he suffocates.

Once again you're missing the point, if he suffocates he won't be able to do it again.

My point exactly.

What? Just punch a couple of air holes in there won't you.

Not there, be careful of his eyes.

Or there that's his nose.

Well fine go ahead if you want to puncture his throat, I'm sure that would make him breathe a hell of a lot easier.

How about I puncture your back with them?

How would that help?

It would sure make me breathe easier.

There are you happy now? You grab the tub, I'll get hold of his legs and let's pull.

This isn't working. I still say we should cover his neck in butter.

No chance.

I'll take the full wrath of Frasier if it goes everywhere.

Then we've got a deal.

I was going to suggest that we go out for a celebratory dinner but now I've seen a buttered up, ice cream covered dog, who needs five star cuisine?

Will you give us a hand, we can't get it off.

Sure, just a second.

Where's Frasier?

(FROM KITCHEN) Oh he's down stairs complaining to the doorman. Another one of those boys selling candy bars managed to talk his way into the building again.

The little boy who was raising money for his kidney transplant?

(FROM KITCHEN) Well I'm sure Frasier gave him a dollar before having him thrown out of the building.

For God's sake Niles it's just a dog covered in a bit of butter!

Yes and this is just a thousand dollar Armani suit.

Oh don't fight over the little rat. Here let me cut him in to thirds and then you can all have a piece.

What have you been doing with the butter?

We put it on Eddie.

The Eddie who is now rolling on my couch?

That's the one.

Well get him off there. Quick Daphne run him through the dishwasher.

What? I said dishwasher, I could have said garbage disposal.

Leave him alone he's just a dog.

Really? I always thought he was the rather hairy, ugly baby sister I always wanted. My God Dad, what's wrong with you? Couldn't you have covered him in honey?

I love it when we play happy families. It's days like this when I remember why I took this job.

So you could seduce the boss's brother?

Not at first, although if I'd have seen you in a pair of marigolds a few years ago things may have been different.

Don't you two have a room you could use?

Anyway what's all this about a celebratory dinner?

We have good news. We bought it.

Bought what?

The hotel, we bought it.

Oh my God.

What's the matter?

Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

Just a physical therapist.

You'll never learn will you?

And just what does that mean?

You can't even organise a booze up in the wine club without an argument, name calling, hair pulling and a four alarm fire.

Are you saying we are incompetent and incapable of doing this?

Alone you'd both be fine, it would be a great success, but together.

We might as well call the fire service and the morgue now, get them on standby.

Thankyou both so much for your support. Am I to take it that neither of you will be there for the opening? Since we are both so incapable of doing this.

Of course we will.

Just so we can be there to say we told you so.

Which one did you buy in the end?

Bellagio's.

Oh like the one in Vegas.

No Dad, not like the one in Vegas.

Hasn't that place got a rat problem?

Had, had a rat problem. Past tense.

Well that makes it a whole lot better. What are the chances that they'd come back and breed?

Niles I've just had an idea.

Stuff Dad down the garbage shoot?

No, we could have our grand re-opening to coincide with the Seattle Psychiatric Convention.

What a fabulous idea, we could talk to the head of the board, Dr. Mackinnion, and try to host it in one of our ballrooms.

Excellent. To Bellagio's.

What is that noise?

I don't know, it must be someone using the bathroom above us. Is there anyone else left to come?

We are awaiting about a dozen people who aren't registered here, but only one that is staying here over night.

And who is that?

A Dr. Charles Mackinnion Sir.

Ooh Dr. Mackinnion, head of the board. I read his new book not so long ago on the effects of being a sexual obsessive in a small place.

What was his conclusion? That it was limiting? It's almost like a hissing noise. Do you know what that is?

I don't hear anything Sir, now would you both mind moving around to the front of the desk, as I have some work to attend to.

But of course. (WHISPERING) Who does he think he is?

(WHISPERING) Anyone would think that he owned this place.

(WHISPERING) Well to be fair he did until he was declared legally bankrupt.

That was after I tried to burn it to the ground.

(WHISPERING) How is it that he can hear that but not that hissing noise?

Selective hearing.

Alan, what's all this white powder scattered about the floor?

Rat poison Sir.

What? I thought the rat problem had been eradicated.

It has Sir.

Then why is there still rat poison on the floor?

That is due to a second rate cleaning service. As you'll notice there are still quite a few kinks to be ironed out before this place is running smoothly.

Daphne darling.

I think I'm going to be sick.

That's not exactly the response I was hoping for.

There's a dead dog on the steps.

Excuse me?

A dead dog on the steps.

Well what's it doing there?

Not a lot it's dead.

How did it get there?

I don't know, I've just seen the body not the reconstruction on America's Most Wanted.

Well we've got to move it, we can't host a psychiatric convention with a dead dog on display in the lobby. People will think it's some sort of grizzly Mafia calling card.

If that were true I suspect it would be Eddie on the steps not some stray.

One can only dream. Alan, can you move it? Alan. Alan!

(TO DAPHNE) Selective hearing.

And it's a lifesaver.

Why can't you two move it?

Frasier Crane, don't believe we've met.

You've got two options, you either move it or let everyone see it.

Do you think people will mistake it for a rug?

Only if we've got something to flatten it out. I don't think a rolling pin would do it some how and I left my keys to the steamroller in my other pants.

(OFFSTAGE) On the count of three lift it.

(OFFSTAGE) Wait, I don't want this end.

(OFFSTAGE) Why?

(OFFSTAGE) Because it's the sharp end with the teeth.

It's dead.

(OFFSTAGE) It might just be toying with me.

I'll toy with you in a moment.

(OFFSTAGE) Is that a coy euphemism for something else?

Yes, to get a move on.

I'm sorry you can't go out this way.

Why not young lady?

Dead dog.

Oh, we saw a lot of those in Korea you know.

Really? How disturbing.

Shot was he?

No he just died.

Probably caught him off guard.

(OFFSTAGE) Oh God, its tongue is lolling out of its mouth.

(OFFSTAGE) It's licking my kneecap!

(OFFSTAGE) I see car headlights. Quick Niles throw it into the bushes.

Oh my God, someone just threw a dog at me.

That was us.

It hit me on the head.

But we threw it into the bushes.

So?

What were you doing in the bushes?

It's all right Roz I parked the car.

You didn't have to Pete we have valet.

Oh really I didn't know that.

But you've got the valet ticket in your hand.

I should have phrased that who you were doing, rather than what.

That's very amusing. This meal had better be on the house tonight after you threw a dead dog at me and forced me to come to this thing. There is only so much a woman can take.

Yes, but you haven't found your limit yet have you Roz?

Come here.

The coat check is over here.

I'm surprised you've dared to touch upon food service again after what happened with the 'Happy Brothers'.

It's not a problem, we just don't go in there. We don't want to repeat the incident.

Which is why the kitchen has been nicknamed 'the sanctuary' by all the staff.

What is that noise?

I think it must be the plumbing.

It's coming from in here.

Oh my God.

That's a novel idea, putting a swimming pool in the basement. What else are you going to do? Put the toilets behind people's headboards? Install the coffee machines in the shower?

Enough of your sarcasm. What do we do?

Well the obvious choice would be to call a plumber, so I'll say let's try and turn the water into wine.

Alan see if you can find the valve to turn it off.

What? I don't even know what it looks like let alone where to find it.

Excuse me Sir, but some more of your guests have arrived.

Quick shut the door.

Let's go outside first, then shut it.

Hello there I am Dr. Frasier Crane, this is my brother Dr. Niles Crane and his girlfriend Daphne Moon.

Dr. Robert Frost, and this is my wife Jane. This is Dr. Michael Lindsay and where's she gone?

How do you do?

Ah here she is, Dr. Lilith Sternin.

Oh you have got to be kidding.

Frasier!

Lilith!

Niles.

Oh my God Lilith.

Daphne.

Lilith.

Do you four know each other?

Some of us a little better than we should.

Dr. Sternin is my ex-wife.

Oh come now Frasier, we have a teenage son and we're divorced now, surely you can finally call me Lilith.

Well this could certainly be an awkward situation, fortunately if it is I have my video recorder to document it all.

So Lilith how have you been?

Ah sharing pleasantries, the text book way to dissolve an awkward moment. A clear indication of the study of a DJ's A to Z of the psychiatric practice.

Where's Freddie?

Husband?

Son. He's at home, I didn't want to take him out of school in the middle of a sermesta.

So what are you doing here?

The Seattle Psychiatric Convention. Does your presence indicate that there is also some sort of disc jockey convention in the next room?

No, I'm also here for the psychiatric convention.

We happen to own the hotel.

Oh Niles, you've finally given up legitimate practice and moved towards your true calling, a desk clerk.

At least…

Oh yes did you know that Niles and Daphne are finally dating?

Yes, Fredrick had made me aware that you two were fornicating.

Listen here…

Well this is nice.

Ahhhhh.

Dad, Dad come in. Look Lilith is here. Isn't it wonderful?

(SOTTO TO NILES) We should have known something was up when we found that dead dog. God can't give you a clearer warning that all is not right with the world.

Martin, when did you develop Tourette's syndrome?

Right after the wedding vows.

(TO THE DOCTORS WHO ARE THOROUGHLY ENJOYING THE AWKWARDNESS ON DISPLAY) This is my father Martin Crane. Now Dad say hello to Lilith.

Hello Lilith I don't think I've ever seen you so tanned.

Martin, I don't think I've ever seen you look so scared. Not even when you were shot.

Now isn't this nice?

Well as much as I really want to watch this, I think I'd like a drink.

The bar is just to the right in the ballroom.

I think I'll join you. I'll see you later boys.

Why did you make me come if you knew she was coming?

I didn't know. And I don't know why you are so concerned.

He has every right to be, he is after all the only Crane boy left that she hasn't slept with. She's probably got her sights set on her latest conquest.

What does that mean? Why am I the only one?

Oh that's right we never told you.

And we're not going to now.

Tell me what?

Oh Niles slept with Lilith.

You did what? Why?

My guess would be because he was horny and lonely.

Oh my God Niles!

I was extremely liquored up. I was one Tequila shot away from shaving my head and gluing the hair to my rear end.

Even so, Niles!

Will you take that tone out of your voice, she was my wife after all.

And it still sends shivers down my spine. I need a beer.

Did you turn it off?

Couldn't manage it.

Well where's the valve?

In my hand.

Then quick call a plumber.

Oh no, it's rising. Can't we start to empty it with some pots and pans?

Are you sure you wouldn't rather use teaspoons?

Well what else do you suggest? Basements these days don't often come equipped with a plug hole in the bottom in case of emergencies.

Isn't there someway we could block the pipe?

But how would we get over there? The next Gondola won't be by for another twenty minutes.

You can swim can't you?

You expect me to swim across a basement filled with dirty water in my tuxedo before going into a ballroom filled with a hundred liquored up psychiatrists all expecting to come here for a weekend of serious, intellectual, mind provoking, stimulating lectures?

Yes.

What are you waiting for?

Hell to freeze over maybe.

Well we've got to do something.

Oh my God that's a rat.

Oh my hero.

I thought Alan said we didn't have a rat problem.

He's also the man who tried to burn this place to the ground and then told the Police it was the result of spontaneous combustion. I don't think honesty is his forte.

Oh bloody hell, it's one rat, not an infestation. Just pick it up and take it outside.

I hear all of these ideas coming from you but I never see you putting any of them into action.

Dr. Crane, Dr. Mackinnion has just arrived.

Oh my God, Dr. Mackinnion. Niles, you deal with the rat and the leak and I'll deal with Dr. Mackinnion.

Why can't I deal with Dr. Mackinnion?

Because I said it first.

Dr. Mackinnion, it's a real pleasure once again.

Crane, how are you? My God, look at this place, it's even worse than last year. Wasn't there a bridge that they could hold it under?

I happen to own this hotel.

I'm familiar with your show so it comes as a complete lack of surprise.

Hold my feet and I'll clog it with my handkerchief.

Are you sure a piece of tissue paper or a cotton wool bud wouldn't be more absorbent?

Point taken. I'll use this cloth. Just hold my feet. I've almost got it. Just a little further.

Niles don't move the rats back.

What? Ahhhh.

What was that splash?

Just someone diving into the swimming pool.

We don't have a swimming pool.

Yes thankyou Alan.

Can you take my things to my room? I'm sharing with Dr. Arthur Berry.

Of course, I'll get someone to take care of it.

Oh Crane, take this as well.

What in God's name are you doing?

Just a touch of cramp. Alan would you please check the Doctor's coat? Everyone else is conjugated in the ballroom at the bar, just to your right.

What the hell was that splash? Oh Niles this is no time to go swimming.

I am aware of that. This water is so warm I can practically feel the bacteria multiplying around me. I'm going to come out of this experience with three types of malaria.

Because you find a lot of that in the Seattle sewer network. Well while you're in there, clog that pipe.

With what?

I don't know. Use your fist, use a rat, just do it, I have to go to the dinner.

What about me?

We can't both not go and since you're hardly dressed for the occasion, I think it means I get to go to the ball and you're left to clean the mansion. A sort of Cinderella experience.

But that had mice not rats.

I think we can really do without your input at this juncture.

Frasier, I don't want to worry you, Niles what are you doing?

Having a picnic in the middle of Mardi Gras.

Anyway I think I just saw a big mouse in the ballroom.

How big?

The size of a very small dog, or a very large rat.

So in other words it could have been a rat?

That's what the smart money's on.

The temptation to say I told you is so overwhelming. But I'll save it for later.

Pass me that roll of paper. Thankyou.

You're going to have to stuff more than that in. Use this as well.

And I think we've cracked it.

Then again maybe not.

OK keep your eyes open, but don't let anyone else catch on especially Lilith. She'd just love to rub my nose in this.

Which one is Lilith?

You see that woman who looks as if she needs a blood transfusion?

Yes.

That's her.

OK spread out, but stick together.

That shouldn't be too hard.

Lilith, may I say that outfit is extremely flattering on you.

Frasier what's wrong?

Nothing.

Frasier, you compliment me for no reason whatsoever, that either means you want a favour or you want to sleep with me.

She's training to be on the softball team.

Frasier please tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help.

What makes you think something is wrong?

Have you called an exterminator?

Why would I do a thing like that?

Because I've just seen a rat run into Dr. Frost's wife's purse.

What? Guard the door.

I'm going to have some fun with this later.

Dad, come here. There's one in Mrs. Frost's purse. Show her your badge and ask to search it.

I don't have my badge.

Show them your video store membership, they won't know the difference.

The things I do for my sons. Excuse me Ma'am, Seattle PD. Can I take a quick look in your purse? It's just a precaution. We're searching people randomly.

Of course.

(OFFSTAGE) There it is, get it. There, there.

Thankyou Ma'am.

Frasier bad news.

Oh what now?

That dead dog.

What about it?

It belongs to that Dr. Mackinnion guy, I just over heard him talking.

How is that possible? The dog was here before he was.

He's a friend of Dr. Berry. Dr. Berry brought him here on an earlier flight, because Dr. Mackinnion had been out of town for a few days and he didn't want to leave him on his own.

He absolutely adores that dog. He even wrote a psychological analysis of it. He knew the psychological reasons for every tick, lick and twitch.

We've got to go and see if it's still alive.

If it wasn't dead before, it was after you threw it several feet into a bush after bouncing it off a wall.

I've still got to check. Stay here and hold the fort, Pete come with me.

I hope to God that paper holds.

It stopped the flow and that's the most important thing right now, until the plumber gets here.

Daphne what are we doing up here?

You can't stay in those wet clothes and no cab driver is going to let you near them looking like that.

So?

Give me your key.

Excuse me?

Your card key opens all the doors doesn't it?

Yes but… Daphne that's breaking and entering.

No it's not, you have a key to the door.

I don't think the judge will see it that way.

Oh if we get caught I'll tell them I forced you into it.

Daphne I forbid you to go in that room.

I'm forbidding you. I forbid you to go through that wardrobe. Daphne we could get arrested for this.

Oh stop being such a big girl. Here put this on.

I most certainly will not.

Give me one good reason why not?

What apart from it being pink and frilly?

It's either this, a leopard skin spandex leotard or we break into another room.

Give it.

We can go home and get you a proper change of clothes then and the only thing you'll have to worry about is the cab driver thinking that you're some sort of transvestite prostitute.

I'm not being seen out on the streets in this.

Fussy bleeder.

What do I put my clothes in?

Use a laundry bag. These are quite nice rooms actually.

Just be careful you don't touch anything. I don't want any sign left that we've been in here.

It's going to be bad enough when they discover I've taken this.

So what do you think?

Honestly? I've never wanted you more.

To my own admission I didn't think pink was particularly my colour but…

Be careful. Don't drop it.

It's definitely dead Frasier.

It might not be, quick give it mouth to mouth.

You give it mouth to mouth, if it's so important to you.

Wait what's this powder around its mouth.

Oh my God it's rabid. And you wanted me to make out with it?

It is not rabid, if it were it would be foaming at the mouth not powdering. Oh no, it's the rat poison. It ate the rat poison. I've poisoned the chairman of the psychiatric board's dog. That's the end of my career. Ok we have to buy a new one. Pete go down the dog pound and try to find one that looks similar.

It's eight-thirty, nowhere will be open.

Then steal one from a yard, take one off a kid, just go.

What do we do with this one?

In the coat check. Now off you go.

Is the meal coming out any time soon Crane? Or do we have to cook our own.

It will be out shortly, we're just experiencing some slight technical difficulties.

How do you have technical difficulties with food?

Ask the chef.

No, not really, he's far too busy now.

Dr. Crane I'm sorry I can not work like this.

Yes you can, now off you go.

Frasier I don't know how much longer we can keep up this charade. I already have four caught in the refrigerator behind the bar. We have to move them, any longer and we'll have four rat Popsicle's in there.

Oh quit complaining, don't you do this for a living?

Yes, but you'll understand the difference between observing a rat run around a maze in search of food, and running around a ballroom chasing them.

Well how do you think I feel with my hip?

You've got a ready made club in your hand what's your problem?

Oh all right fine, since I have more experience in this field than anyone else, I suppose the lions share remains up to me. But you owe me for this Frasier, you owe me big.

I'm not sleeping with you.

One word. Egomaniac.

Dr. Crane, dinner is ready.

Thankyou. If everyone would please take your seats and dinner shall be served.

What do we do now?

Just politely excuse yourself from the table.

And say what exactly?

You have to use the bathroom.

In other words pretend like we have unusually poor bladder control. Where's Pete?

He's gone to get a replacement dog.

Why do I get the feeling I'm trapped in some strange 'I Love Lucy' land?

What about Niles and Daphne?

I don't know they must still be tackling the leak.

Do you smell perfume?

No.

Daphne as much as I want to stay here, we really need to go and clog that pipe again. It's only going to be a matter of time before the water starts to spurt out through the sponges and the rocks.

I told you to stick the plunger to the end.

Oh you meant to the pipe.

Yes, why what do you think I meant?

Oh nothing.

I bet the plumbers already down there and Dr. Crane was dealing with everything else. So what's your problem?

I'm too fussy and way too scared to try new things.

This is not new.

It is when I've committed a crime before hand.

Oh my God she's back.

Quick get in the wardrobe.

Daphne, now is really not the time.

To hide!

What do we do?

Shhhh she might leave in a minute.

Was that the door?

I think she's gone. Alone again.

Now Daphne.

Now Daphne what?

(GIVING IN) Oh right now Daphne.

So sorry.

Just shut up and move. Don't stop keep moving.

But my clothes.

Get them later.

Come back here you filthy perverts.

Good evening.

Dr. Mackinnion, may I just take this opportunity to tell you how much I enjoyed your last book. I found it both informative and insightful.

Relate to it could you Crane?

Not exactly, no.

Oh I see, starved in that area are you Crane? That explains why you're such a tight ass.

Now, you see, I'm a tight ass. I've been trying for years and I still can't make this man like me. I just don't know where I'm going wrong.

To be fair Frasier you only find it easy to associate with no brain bimbo's, to whom the biggest challenge of the day is trying to remember where they parked their car after yet another meaningless one night stand. Anyone with even the slightest academic ability and you automatically take the inferior position and submissive role.

A bit like your marriage.

Exactly, in our marriage you never once tried to assert yourself as the dominant party.

Well you were doing such a good job I didn't want to squash your enthusiasm.

I'm not going to apologise for our relationship Frasier, someone had to wear the trousers before we became something to akin of a lesbian couple.

Get real for a moment Lilith, we were one more Adam's apple from being two gay men. I said that a little too loudly.

(TAKING NOTES) See I told you it was a good idea to sit at this end of the table.

Roz, behind you, I see a small 'problem'.

Then off you go and get it.

You get it Roz.

Why can't you do it?

Because I'm entertaining.

Not anyone at this table.

Oh go on Roz please, just scare it away. I would but my hip's just aching and throbbing. And you're so much younger, vibrant and more in the prime of your life than I am.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

As more than a fleet of men will testify to.

Why you…

Roz don't you have a problem to deal with?

Yes but you won't let me touch her.

Roz, it's gone under the table.

How do you suggest I get it?

Just climb under the table.

If you'll excuse me a moment I have to use the powder room.

Let me give you a hint Roz, that's not it.

Of course one of the most obvious signs that someone is a sexual obsessive is their ability to turn anything sexual. For example an innocent touch, a simple passing glance, even a simple sentence can be turned on it's head and given sexual meaning if that's what you're searching for. The other point that I made…

(UNDER TABLE) Oh, so sorry.

That's quite all right young lady. (PAUSE) I've forgotten what point I was making.

You were just touching on sexual obsessive behaviour.

Yes I think I was just touched by a… I mean yes I was. (PAUSE) Is it hot in here?

Any luck?

I can't see it.

Why can't you see it?

You try crawling around amongst people's feet looking for it. Oh and by the way I don't think Dr. Mackinnion bathes. If he does, he shares the water with his dog.

Speaking of which, I wonder what's keeping Pete.

Oh relax, he'll be back. And I meant that in a non Terminatorish way.

What?

I beg your pardon?

Classic film.

(TO LILITH) I'm guessing sports. Actually after a rather shaky start I think this weekend is going to turn out to be a complete success. Niles seems to have handled the other situation fine.

Speaking of which where is Niles?

I think he's getting changed, he had a little accident. And we've handled this situation beautifully.

What do you mean, we?

The four of us.

When did you do anything? Other than kiss ass.

If I had started to run around like a lunatic it would only have raised suspicions.

Frasier are you by any chance playing footsy with me?

Oh dear God I hope not, I'm trying to eat here.

No I'm not.

Just as I thought, our friend is back. Excuse me one moment.\

(UNDER THE TABLE) Excuse me Martin.

You just back off. I know I'm the other Crane left, but I'm telling you now, you're not making me your next conquest.

No one is more thrilled than I.

Just in case, remember I have a cane, I'm not afraid to use it if I feel violated in anyway.

Frasier I've got it, now what do I do?

Here, wrap it in my jacket and take it outside with the rest.

May I ask why you're letting them go outside? They're just coming straight back in.

See sexual obsessive behaviour right there, Dr. Sternin under the table.

I was merely tying my shoe lace.

You're wearing slip ons.

Imagine my embarrassment.

That was quick, where's my jacket?

It ran away.

There's a hair in this pate.

Don't shout too loud everyone will want one. I'll see to it.

Don't bother Crane, I'll speak to the chef.

You can't go in there.

Why not?

Why not? That's a very interesting question that needs to be examined from all angles.

Move Crane, you may own this fleapit but you don't own me.

I'd rather you didn't because I really need your help. You see, your book made a lot of sense to me, as I think I may be…

Oh stop wasting my time.

Send a man to do a woman's job.

You know I thought we had a certain chemistry.

A rat!

No there's no rats here.

Except maybe that one.

Please everyone just calm down.

It's only a tiny infestation.

You're not helping.

Dr. Berry don't do that it's Armani.

I don't care if it's an Armani rat, it still has to die.

That's it I'm leaving.

Still having a slight problem with the plumbing Dr. Crane.

Dually noted.

Frasier I've got the dog.

What's it doing in that box?

It's a little aggressive.

How aggressive?

We can't replace it with that.

Why not?

Because in stead of licking the good doctors face to greet him, this thing might go straight for the jugular. Mind you taking everything into consideration that might not be a bad thing.

We tried talking to them but they're still leaving.

And where are Niles and Daphne? Why does he leave me to handle everything? Please, please don't leave, I know we've had a few incidents tonight, but it can only get better.

And it can get better by leaving. Where is your coat check girl?

Who is in charge around here?

That would be the rather flustered, sweating gentleman.

I have a bone to pick with you about security. I was lying on my bed, in my room, minding my own business when out of the wardrobe appears a couple who would have played a quick game of hide the salami right on top of me had I not screamed.

Good God what kind of place are you running here Crane?

A brothel immediately springs to mind.

Yes, thankyou Lilith. I'm sure you're just mistaken, are you sure you weren't hallucinating?

Are you insinuating that I am some sort of drug addict. I'll have you know I'm the minister's wife.

Then what are you doing staying here alone?

Who says I'm alone? What? A woman does have certain natural urges you know.

Please someone check my coat before anything else happens.

Where's all this water coming from?

Alan mop this up please.

What are you going to do about this or shall I just call the Police right now?

There's really no need.

Look here they are. Is that my dressing gown?

I said I was sorry.

Please tell me you're not naked under there.

I would but I'd be lying.

That's it I'm leaving. I'll get my own coat.

No, don't go in there.

Crane there's a dead dog in your coat check.

I know and I'm sorry, he must have eaten the rat poison. I am so sorry Dr. Mackinnion. Although I can't replace the sentiment and the emotional attachment, I will replace the dog.

What are you blabbering on about?

Your dog.

That's not my dog.

It's not?

(REFERRING TO HIS ARM) What happened to you?

We could ask you the same.

Good lord no, that's not Charles' dog, I boarded that in the spa down the street.

It's not even the same breed. My dog is a long-haired Jack Russell terrier.

Oh really, that's what I've got.

They're great dogs aren't they?

Anyway. So who's dog is this?

Who cares? Let's get the luggage Arthur.

Really there's no reason for anyone else to leave.

Other than the underline threat of the plague.

Anyone call for a plumber?

Yes, right in there.

Have you guys been having a party? Hey what are you doing with my dog?

That's not your dog.

Yes it is. Come here Max.

You thieving bastard.

Get off me you crazy woman.

She's quite feisty in a street corner kind of way.

Thanks Crane, you've given us enough material for next year's convention and then some.

So, what did we miss?