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Q - Dear Annabelle,
My husband and I have been married for two years and our marriage is quite problematic since both of us are quite vulnerable, (at that - reserved, proud but try to seem strong and reasonable), and maintaining frank attitude is a great effort for both of us. Besides we had negative personal experience before. So, to avoid difficulties from the first days we said that we would be very open to each other. Besides, my husband underestimates himself thinking that I am too beautiful, young, etc., to really love him, and I am afraid that he is constantly afraid that I can leave him. I am sorry to say but we still lack confidence in each other. So, it is quite normal that we have marriage problems and the main problem I faced up to now was that one day we can lose our patience and give our marriage up.
Now another problem turned up. My husband resumed relationship with a woman-friend whom he had known long before me. This woman did not accept us as a couple when we married, but at the same time she did not do it openly and tried to maintain "friendly" relationship with my husband. Once, (after half a year of our marriage), I made a hint to my husband that I am a bit surprised that his "friend" did not have time to at least once meet me but she had time to once or twice drop at our place when I was not at home. After this conversation I thought it was quite clear to my husband that I was hurt and neglected. (Here, I should add that my husband does not allow me to meet old male friends and insists on joining me when meeting with my friends). In spite of all these facts, recently I have found evidence that my husband met this woman at our home! After our conversation! And even worse - he did not tell me that they met and tried to hide evidence, (it never happened before!) And what is even more dramatic - some of his telephone conversations now seem quite suspicious to me. I was never paranoiac, so if I suspect something, something is going on. I don't think there is sex between them, (but it can happen if things continue the same way), but I consider my husband's behavior as moral infidelity and non-respect to my feelings.
I am so shocked now that I can’t even think. The only idea occurring to me is that loving people would never behave like this to their loved ones! I do not want to, as well, give up openness and secretly meet old male friends. How can I maintain open relationship with my husband knowing that he is lying me in the eyes (sorry, just holding back information)? I don't know how to reveal the problem because I don't have strong evidence for now and he can tell me that I am paranoiac and mistaken. If I had enough evidence, (and I may get it soon), I would bring the problem in the open - but this means a big scandal. And scandal means making ultimatums while ultimatums are extremes, which I hate and fear. I decided to wait and see what happens but I hate myself in the role of a private detective.
I do not want to find out this woman's motivation why she behaves so ... strange. I wonder what made my husband betray our relationship so easily and lie to me so readily. I am strongly convinced that it is much better when people make silly and immoral things without thinking twice on that. But when they think twice and finally decide to lie .. this is a very sad sign. I would like to know what I could do to save our marriage, (if it is still worth it), because I feel so disillusioned that I am prepared ... to go away right now.
A - Dear Elly,
The answer is stated in terms of current American attitudes toward marriage. (I haven’t a clue how those compare to current Russian attitudes.) There are probably substantive differences. The task of translating from out culture to yours must be left up to you.
I can certainly feel your sadness and concern.....and frustration here. There are two possibilities: Your husband may be doing what you suspect he’s doing, or his actions may be innocent, and your suspicions may be unfounded. But, more important than whether your suspicions are true or false, is your description of yourself as ‘feeling anxious, betrayed and unhappy.’ We can assume that your husband, too, is unhappy. Either he’s afraid you’ll find out what he’s been up to, or he hasn’t been up to anything, and can’t understand your coolness toward him. The best you can do is to sit down with him, tell him what you fear, and let him respond.
Don’t wait for evidence that would convict him in court. This isn’t a matter of a neighbor or coworker stealing from you. (It’s far more important than that.) Your relationship with your husband cannot help but be poisoned, if you remain silent about your suspicions. One reason, is that the marriage you describe has been very troubled from the start.
You write that ‘.......maintaining frank attitude is a great effort for both of us....I am afraid that he is constantly afraid that I can leave him. I am sorry to say, but we still lack confidence in each other...the main problem I faced up to now was that one day we can lose our patience and give our marriage up.’ Elly, two people can be legally married without really being ‘married’ at all. You ask, ‘How can I maintain open relationship with my husband knowing that he is lying me in the eyes?’ that’s the wrong question. absolutely nothing in your letter suggests that you HAVE an ‘open relationship.’ The real question is how you can create one. And the answer is to stop playing detective and start being open ...yourself.
- Annabelle
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