Man this music is sappy.. decided today that I wanted to try typing
journals to music, and right now it's Bachelor Pad Royale from Ultra Lounge.
It's some sappy song right now.. I really dig the more rambunctious (what
cool word) songs...
Okay okay, I know everyone's talking about it, but I need to do it
this once. Today was cool. I watched Titanic again. It's my second
time and I decided that I would force Margaret to come and watch it with
me, esp since everytime that we tried before (a whopping 2 times before)
the line was wrapped around the block.. this line wasn't as long, but it
was damn near around-the- blockedness. (margaret has this thing about long
lines.)
Anyways, what I enjoyed about the movie would be called chick-like by
my guy friends.. I dunno, I've tried to talk to my guy friends(actually,
girl-friends also) about what I felt about this movie, and I always feel
like I've said too much about myself that they weren't particularly interested
in... thus, I turn to my journal for consolation to reassuring myself that
I'm not totally weird. I liked Titanic cuz it was a love story... there,
I said it, and i'm happy. I just liked the romance in the movie. I thought
that it was great that they had a love so friggin passionate. I wish that
I had the same thing. I also liked "Romeo + Juliet" (after telling
my roommates that this, they thought that Iwas in love with Leonardo DiCaprio,
the only tying factor between Titanic and R+J)
Here he goes again...I need passion. I need romance. I need excitement..
I feel like a bored housewife. I do know that when I did have relationships,
I tried to make things as romantic as I could, well, without trying.. dunno,
I'm more of a cutesy kinda guy.. it's the silly things that I do that seemed
to make my ex-s laugh... making them laugh was the best thing in the world..
and I don't know if I can do that anymore..
Just one thing I noticed the other day. I've changed. I've come
to realize that I've lost my sponaneity, my livelihood. I don't know if
this is cuz a combo of engineering and failed relationships, but I just
have noticed that I can't talk to ppl they way that I used to. I used to
be able to go right up to ppl that I thought may be interesting to me,
start up a conversation, and never see them again.. dunno, now it seems
like I'm a) trying to keep them around, b) tired of looking for friends,
c) scared of opening myself up to more ppl, d) all of the above.. I'd have
to say that i"ve become (d). I need to regain my outgoingness... it
was accelerated when i was around friends, but I was still at least able
to meet ppl by walking up to them and introducing myself.. now I can't
even do that. I also think that I lack the interest in meeting new ppl.
b) tired of looking for friends. i believe that I've also become
more pessimistic. I've become less interested in meeting ppl cuz I think
that deep down inside, I'm asking myself "Self, what's the point?"
I never have time to meet with them, they're most likely non-engineers,
they're most likely already in a relationship, they're most likely already
part of some clique (which I'm realizing is something I never used to care
about before), or they were just being nice to me.
I hate my insecurity.
c) scared of opening myself up to more ppl. You may say, "Nick,
but why do you have a journal up if you're scared of opening yourself up
to complete strangers?" And to this question, I have to say: I HAVE
NO FUCKING CLUE. i think that there's a certain anonyminity with posting
crap all over the Internet; every tom, dick and harry are trying to do
the same thing.. With meeting ppl, I actually have to come face-to-face
with them. I need to overcome this.. it makes me feel like I'm scared of
something.. I've never really been scared of anything in my life,. well,
there was that little exception when I'd ruptured my lung, and was afraid
to die, but that doesn't really count...I was afraid I was going to die
and wasn't going to be able to do all the things that I've ever wanted
to do while I was alive.
You know what, Nick? You need to kill that insecurity.. I think tha'ts
what's causing your fear. that's great, but how?
Note to self.. Margaret doesn't like to be touched. Margaret
came by last night to watch our TV. I was in my particularly touchy-feely
mood, basically, I wanted to touch someone, and i know that Jack wasn't
particularly receptive to anyone touching him, much less his roommate..
(no, I'm not festive, I just like touching) anyways, Jack went downtown
with his Margaret equivalent (minus the affection) so Margaret and i were
alone. I decided to do the cute thing and sit with her feet in my lap on
the couch and give her a foot massage.. i then tried to lie down next to
her, but she said that I was hot and made her sweaty and so she sat up..
I still laid next to her, but then decided it would be cool to give her
a massage.. she enjoyed that for a while, until her logic circuits kicked
in and she realized that she was uncomfortable with the situation.. she
then got up, said she needed to get up early, and basically ran out the
door. I realized that there was something wrong, and kicked myself for
being so dense and not catching signals that she was uncomfortable.. i
confronted her about it today, and she said that she was hoping that I
would catch the signs by her sitting up and by her leaving.. I explained
to her that when I'm in that phase, the only way to stop me is to tell
me exactly what you're thinking, not leave little hints.. i swear, I must
be the most unobservant person when it comes to intimate relations.
Back to Titanic. I had one question for non-atheists.. How would
God judge the crewman who shot himself after killing the Irish man on the
deck of the Titanic? That man obviously sinned when he shot the Irish man,
and also when he killed himself, but he also helped to save a fraction
of the 700 ppl who survived.. I have to wonder if that is redeeming enough
for entrance into Heaven.
I guess now's as good a time as any to talk about the God thing.
I am an atheist. I have been since I realized that I didn't believe in
God during the pledge of allegiance in 9-10th grade (whoa, that's weird..
i didn't realize that's when I became atheist until now.)
Maybe not now.You know what? shit. I need to go to bed. I have
to deposit my rent check before it bounces... I need to do that ASAP. I
will finish this day's entry tomorrow, well it is tomorrow.
