I Hate High School

School is back, and it sucks more than ever!

Newest content goes on bottom, so look there or something...

Yes, school does indeed suck. High school is no exception. It seems going to school has made most of the people stupider, as I suspected. I'm surprised that some people can still walk being as stupid as they are (Bega) or manage to even breathe (Bega). Some people just amaze me. I can't even start to tink about where to start writing about all the things that suck really bad at high school. I think I'll start with stupid teachers. I have to put up with them everyday (Bega). Just listening to them has weakened my grasp on the English language. I start saying stuff that doesn't even make sense (like the things that Bega says). Hmm... If teachers don't have to know the language of the students they "teach", then I guess I don't have to listen to that person tell us about "betaria-ari-ers" (veterinarians and don't even ask) and "certificator translators". If I could get a job teaching students while talking and thinking like a complete moron, I'm sure I would make the most of my opportunity to make the future of this nation extra "esmart". Tank jew por jew time.

The high school sports system pisses me off.

First of all, you have to go get a physical. They are so exciting and I really look forward to going to them.
"Turn your head and cough," they say.
"Hey pal, get the hell away from my testicles you old freak!" I calmly reply in a tone that would make most kindergartners and even some prison inmates cry. That'll teach them to stay away from my future kids.

Second, having to fill out that stupid athletic clearance everytime you want to play a different sport sucks. Now I just give it to my parents and tell them that they need to fill it out so I don't have to waste my time on it.

Finally, every sport wants your entire life. The baseball team wants you to play winter ball and the football team wants you to play spring and summer ball in addition to their regular seasons. No. You already take up three hours of my personal time after school, and then you expect me to give up summer time to listen to you yell at me even more. Again, no. Sure, sports are fun, but those coaches sure know how to make them boring and nonexciting.
"Since I'm having a good day today, I'm only going to make you guys run seventeen laps instead of the usual eighteen. Aren't I the best?" says coach. He actually thinks he is being nice.
"Coach, I would like to remind you of the fact that we play golf. Most golfers don't do a whole bunch of running on the course. In fact, most golfers are old, fat, and balding men. They can't even think about running without getting a heart attack," I reply.
"Exactly. I want you to run so you don't wind up like them. So get moving."

If you are really bored and want something to do, you can try "borrowing" a school printer, computer, or monitor. Here's an example of how to get one:

1. Most teachers have old computers and crap like that in their classrooms. Find a teacher that doesn't hate you AND has a useless piece of technology lying around. This may be hard to do if all of your teachers hate you. If you can find one, go to step 3. Otherwise, proceed to step 2.

2. If that is impossible, then head to where most of the computer crap is stored: the computer lab. They should have all kinds of old monitors and crap like that.

3. Now that you have located a piece of junk, you need to get it out of their hands. Plead, beg, or coerce them. Just DO something that will get the piece of crap out of their hands and into yours. One of the best excuses is telling them that you will try to fix it up or practice repairing. If you tell them that, along with giving them the sad puppy face, they just can't say no. If they can say no, go to step 4. If you get it, head yourself to step 5.

4. Whoever won't give it to you really sucks balls. They should be castrated or have their arm chopped off with a spoon. Something horrible and worthy of the nation's news. But, since you can't legally do that, use your brain. You can try getting a Special Ed. kid to go in there and ask for the trash you want. All you have to do is bribe them with Monopoly money, or offer to take their straightjacket off (leave their muzzle on). They should be able to get it with no problem. If they can't, go back to step 1 or just quit because you suck.

5. Good job. Now you have the piece of junk. What are you going to do with it? You could take it apart piece by piece and try to put it back together, but that sucks. You could donate it to charity, but there is no fun in that. Or you could destroy it. Completely obliterate every last tiny piece of the crap. Make a movie of it. Tow it behind a truck. Drop it off of a cliff. Gently take it apart by bashing it with a crowbar or some baseball bats. Just remember to be creative and not do the same things I just mentioned when I got an old Apple laser printer. My friends and I made a movie of the destruction, put music on it, and brought it to class. It was quite entertaining.
You can also draw a picture on it of someone you really hate just to have a little more fun. Make sure you put it on one of the weaker parts of the item. That way, their face will shatter into several dozen pieces and prove to be more exciting and comical.

I haven't personally tried this, but I'm sure running into it with an automobile would be pretty cool if you asked me. Make sure you pick up the pieces afterwards so you can do it again next time you get a old piece of junk. Again, just remember to have fun and be creative.
Also be sure to remember that I did not tell you any of this if you get in trouble (which you shouldn't). If you do manage to get in trouble, blame it on the Special Ed. kid (no offense) and say that "He (the Special Ed. kid) told me to do it. He said that I was stupid and nobody liked me and then I started crying." It will work.

This is the official ballot for my class representatives at my high school. We really had a big decision to make on who to vote for. I couldn't make up my mind so I decided to leave my ballot blank.
One of the most overlooked faults of this ballot is the fact that it says to "only circle one name for each position". That would be rather hard to circle more than one name for any of the three really, really important positions.

Why do they even need a ballot? Is it a big mystery about who is going to win? Oooh... The suspense is killing me. My money is on David Camden for secretary. Yup.

The funniest thing has to be the fact that the president did not win. (They did not announce her name on the PA system. If you know otherwise, please let me know.) She officially lost to herself. I'm not really sure how that works, but that really sucks. I haven't lost to myself since I was 7. I was really bored and ended up playing 4-square by myself. Don't ask why. I just found it to be more entertaining with other people. The running to get the ball over and over again just kinda got boring after six hours.

I like to have fun on my school assignments.

On a particular assignment, I was told to write a half of a page about what I will be doing ten years from now, what my career plan is, and how I will achieve those goals. I wrote one page and answered all of the questions in stunning detail. I recieved a zero on the paper. I was also told to bring it home to my parents for them to sign and return. I found that to be quite appalling. Here's a copy of that assignment.

Ten years from now, I will be doing something. I'm not quite sure what I will be doing, but I will be doing something, whether I'm sleeping, selling little girls, or passed out in a pool of my own urine or even vomit for that matter.
My career plan is simple, mainly because I don't have one other than what I make up to get full credit on this assignment. I would like to be an astronaut that works with space donkeys. That would be great. Yup. Space donkeys now have their own field of science now, which is called spacedoncology. Very interesting stuff.
In oder to achieve this goals, I need to tink ahead and plan for the future [that previous line was Beganese]. I need to go to college so I can make my parents broke, join the Space Donkey Naval Academy, and find a willing donkey. Quite simple.

Well, that was stupid. But I still didn't deserve a zero for following all of the directions.

I am still convinced that idiots run my school. A person with any intelligence wouldn't schedule the annual fire drill during the last few weeks of school. What does that accomplish? Well, just in case we have a fire in the final week of class when noone is actually pissed off enough to burn down the school, we will suffer only minor casualties. That is very reassuring. Makes me feel safe and secure in my time bomb of a school.

I would also like to take over the PA system when they have a fire drill.

"If this was an actual fire, you would be dead right now. Your possessions would have been donated to the homeless guy under the pier, just so he can urinate on them. We would be in the process of digging a mass grave so your remains will decompose next to that guy in PE who showers once a year. This has been a very successful fire drill. Thank you for not dying and have a wonderful day."

A Couple Stupid Things You Can Do During A Fire Drill:

1) Try to take the fire extinguisher with you as you leave the class. Sure, you probably won't use it, but you'll have it just in case.

2) Start yelling. Just yell. It doesn't really matter what you yell about, just make sure it is loud and nobody can understand you.

3) When your teacher takes attendance again, tell her that "Little Timmy didn't make it. We'll get what is left of his body later."

4) Get lost on the way back to your class just to kill some time. Or go into a random class with some people walking in line. If anybody gets suspicious, stand up, apologize, and promptly exit.

I said they were stupid.

Our school newspaper sucks. I'm sorry, but the quality of the writing, editing, and the layout is only rivaled by the middle school's yeerbuk. Last issue, someone almost wrote something remotely intelligent. I was shocked. The newspaper class puts their time in, but they end up with, well, I'm not really sure what they end up with. It resembles dog vomit with some little green chunks. Not pretty.

It is so bad that I don't even put in my time to count all of the mistakes. I don't think I would ever finish. After reading the article about chess, I would be too excited to do anything other than go buy seven hundred chess boards and pieces and play chess nonstop for the rest of my life.

You need a little background on this following excerpt. Mar Vista, Southwest, and Montgomery high schools had a competition to see who would do the best on a standardized test. Here is the excerpt from the newspaper, word for word:

The competition between South West, Montgomery, and Mar Vista for the SAT 9 banner is be fierce because the three schools are very smart but Mar Vista will want to win the banner to continue its long history of leading.

The kid who wrote that is a little confused. "Is be fierce"? What is that? That is just stupid.

Those three schools are smart? Since when is Mar Vista a smart school? And Southwest and Montgomery? Those have to be three of the stupidest schools in the United States.

"Mar Vista will want to win the banner to continue its long history of leading." That is high level thinking. Whoa. That quote was so intellectual, it gave me a headache. That guy is smart.

Well, somebody kept bugging me to put some sentences that I wrote for my vocabulary homework assignments. I figured that the sentences would be a cheap way to tell people that my site is educational and stupid. These are just like the sentences section of my website, but I wrote them for school. Here goes...

Although I only deprived the total stranger of his life, those 12 people sitting in a box took away my cookies.

Although his adversary had no arms, it was still a long fight.

Although Ryan lived in a state of chastity, he thought it was near Montana.

Because the woman was able to concieve a baby with a screwdriver, she became an instant porn star.

Although it was only a soccer ball, Ryan had a lot of rancor towards it.

Although Ryan's utterance was thought-provoking, it was still stupid.

Because Ryan likes to bedeck his room with posters of Hanson, I referred to him as a homosexual.

Because Ryan's favorite consort is a midget amputee in bondage, I question his judgement in friends.

Although Shawn had to forbear not having sex with a woman, he still had his Vaseline.

Although Ryan said his stop at Gaymart was only a sojourn, he ended up making it his permanent residence.

Because the bathroom smelled quite vile, Ryan ran out screaming with watery eyes.

Although Ryan felt his attire was cool, I reminded him that he was a thong that Bega put on him.

Although Bega was 'twixt Ryan's hands, he was still gentle with her.

Although Ryan's underwear was counterfeit, he still thought they looked cool with the picture of the Backstreet Boys.

Although Ryan devised a plan to take over the world, he was hindered by the fact that he was tied to a fire hydrant.

Although everyone else thought of the tree growing as a fact of life, Ryan found it to be an outrage.

Although the cunning man had no trouble fitting his wang into the pool jet, he had a HARDER time getting it out.

Although the operation left Andrew with an IQ of 56, he was genius in his own mind.

Although the grotesque man had no legs, he was still good at soccer.

Although it was off, the washing machine agitated me.

Although the man was wearing chain mail, he was still vulnerable to being run over by a car.

Because Ryan's idea of idolatry involved a donkey and pornographic magazines, nobody liked him.

Because the teacher tried to make a joke by saing he was inconstant "inople", he was publically ridiculed.

No, I don't have an obsession with Ryan. He is a good subject because his sheer stupidity makes him a perfect target to make fun of.

How do I have problems coming up with stuff to thrash school about? It sucks, but I have trouble thinking of subjects to write about. I am at a loss for words. Why? I dunno. I guess I'm just having a huge brain fart. Oh well. Here goes nothing...

Actually, The Adventures of Super Spectacular Cool Guy have moved! So read them at their new location! Not here! Because they aren't here!

Summer is a time for small waves, sleeping, and school (if you are a moron). Yes, I am calling each and every one of you that goes to summer school an idiot. Why would you go to school year-round when you could just put in the usual nine months of time that most people do? Do you like going to school? Is it fun? I'm sure it is. Loads of fun. Probably more fun than sleeping in or hanging out with friends. Who needs free time anyway? You sure don't. You're salivating over the latest lesson in your summer math class while I'm wasting my time surfing or hanging out with friends. Not my problem.

"Golly-gee-willikers!!! I love math! Viva escuela del verano!!!"

Yeah, I'm sure you are all saying that. You have to get into a higher math class to get into a better college. Roughly zero percent of people in the workforce today need to know about anything past basic geometry. No, I'm sorry to tell you, but you will never need to know how to write the equation of an ellipse ever again. Shucks.

Oh well. What you do with your life while you are still a kid is your choice. You'll get old, get a job (in that order), and work all year. You'll never have summer vacation again (unless you are a teacher) and get five long-lasting vacation days in a year. Oh the joy! You want to waste the precious spare time you have while you aren't too friggen' old to have fun in school. You have the rest of your life to get a job or go to college, but you only have a little while to have fun. Hang out with friends. Go to parties. Become a beach bum. Have fun while you still can.

And the rest of the people that failed classes during the regular semester and are now "forced" to go to summer school can just smack themselves in the face for being so incredibly stupid. To pass a class, show up. That's it. Nothing else. Nothing complicated. Even show up late everyday and you can still easily pass a class. The first sixty minutes of class are just goof-off time anyway. If a class is too hard for you, don't be stupid. If a teacher hates your guts and is not going to let you pass no matter what you do, (I hate to say this but...) do a little "sextra" credit. Well, that's way too far. And disgusting. Just don't be stupid and you won't be stuck in summer school or fail any classes.