July 3rd - Not doing so well I am not having a good day at all today. Last night my boyfriend and I decided to break up. We have gone back and forth many times, but I think this time it may have to be permanant. We have been together for two and a half years and I really do consider him my best friend, but there is alot of insecurity on both of our parts and I don't think the relationship has any kind of a chance unless we deal with our individual problems first. Kinda sucks, huh? Well to make things worse, I totally drowned my sorrows in chocolate entenmann's donut holes. I don't feel any better. In fact, I feel just as bad physically now as I do emotionally. Plus I probably gained like a million pounds. I'm also sad because my birthday is this month and I was hoping to have a happy one. Its really strange, but every year on or around my birthday something goes wrong for me and I end up feeling horrible. I would really like to have a good one for once. Oh well, I'll stop whining for now. Sorry this is such a depressing post.

July 7th - I feel so sick!! Hi everyone. Well after a weekend of pure bingeing (no, it did not stop after the donuts!) I am up 3 pounds and I feel like crap. I feel too sick to continue eating so badly. As much as I want to continue my pity party, I just feel to sick to do so. So its back to low carb for me! :) I love this diet and how I feel when I stick to it. I think I'm all about self-destruction these days. I have to teach myself that I deserve to feel good and have a happy life. Life is too short to waste it on being fat and unhealthy. This is what I have to tell myself to get motivated. I am going to start making small goals for myself. The very first one is going to be drink more water!! Starting today, I am going to try to start drinking 100 ounces of water at the least. I know water is a huge factor in losing weight. For today it will probably help in making me feel better. I also want to try new recipes. I have a whole bunch of them that I have collected from various lists and pages. I will start posting those when I get a chance. I will probably do that over the weekend. Also, speaking of lists, I told someone that I would post some of his support lists on my page. I will do that this weekend as well. Some of the support lists out there are really helpful and full of really nice people. Anyway, my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) and I are still broken up, but we do get along and talk and laugh still. So so far its not too bad. I really do love him still but I just can't be in that kind of relationship anymore. We will see what happens. Well, I should go get ready for work now. Its 7am in sunny California. I know I said this before, but I really love summertime and I so much want to be able to enjoy it like everyone else. I just get so hot and uncomfortable because of my weight and the big clothes I wear. More motivation to stick to the diet I guess! Allright, I'll talk to you later. Have a great low carb day! Trust me, its not worth it to have a high carb one. UGH!!

July 16th - Here I am! Hi there. I'm sorry that I haven't written in over a week. Some people emailed their concern and wondered if I abandoned my diet. Well, I sure did not, but my state of mind has been questionable. I almost feel like I am numb these days. I think I'm in some kind of funk. I found a support group that I am going to check out this weekend. Its for people like me who drown their sorrows in food. Its sort of like Over eaters Annonymous, but a bit different. I'm hoping this will help. I have a really big problem about taking things too personally. For example: I was supposed to go up to visit a friend this weekend to see her new house and do a little celebration for my birthday. I spoke with her yesterday, firmed up the plans, got directions (she lives 3 hours away!)and basically promised her that I was definitely coming. Well, not 20 minutes later, my boyfriend (yes, we sort of got back together, we are working on it - a different story) tells me that he can't go now. To his credit, I know he has a valid reason for not going. I'm not upset about the reason, but if he would have planned for this a month and a half ago, or even a week ago, he would have been able to still go this weekend. We were supposed to go together and spend the time together. Now we are not going because he didn't make the arrangements he needed to to free up his weekend, and I have to lose out. Now this isn't all about blaming him, because I know stuff happens and you can't say would've, could've, should've because it doesn't mean anything. I just feel so sad because I always have pretty crappy birthdays and I guess this year won't be any different. I have a really hard time dealing with disappointments. I know that that's silly and childish thinking, but it really bothers me. Maybe the support group will help me deal with some of these issues I have. My mind has been working overtime with negative thoughts and I'm sick of it. I'm hoping to find some peace within myself. As far as the diet goes, I'm still trying to stick to it, but its hard to do something good for yourself when you feel so bad about yourself. I'm sure this post makes me sound like a real loser, please don't be alarmed. I tend to get this way around my birthday. I guess that's why they say Cancers are so emotional. Up one minute, down the next. Well, my birthday is on Monday, and I'm going to use that day as a marker in my life. I will be 26 years old and I think that is a fine time to start trying to find myself and my place in this world. I want to recover my spirituality, my confidence, and my peace and well-being. My weight loss will flow once I am able to to do those things. I hope this meeting this weekend will be a first step to all of that. By the way, the support group follows an eating plan, a low carb one! That is so perfect. Anyway, I'm obviously excited about this, but I don't want to get my hopes up because they may be a bunch of freaks and weirdos. We'll see. I know I promised to post some links last weekend. I didn't forget. I will do that tomorrow or Sunday. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Well, I guess I should get ready for work now. I have some work horror stories to tell, but I'll wait until I'm not about to go there to tell those! Have a great Friday (Thank God It's Finally Friday!) and I'll post again this weekend.

July 19th - Happy Birthday to me! Hi everyone. I had the best weekend!! We ended up going up north to visit my friend after all!! I had the best time. My friend that we visited is probably the only person I know that I don't feel self conscious (sp?) in front of. She is the neatest person I know. Her lifestyle is so simple and pure and healthy and just so happy. She just makes everyone in her life feel so special. Anyway, she lives in a beach community so there is water all around which is so important for a cancer like me :) I feel so balanced and complete when I am near the ocean. Its weird, but I definitely feel a physical change when I look at the ocean. I live close to the beach myself, but its venice beach and its incredibly crowded and incredibly dirty so I almost never go there. So I had a geat time and I just feel so much better now. Since I didn't post this weekend, I still didn't put those links on the page yet, but I promise you that I will do that. I have to keep this short because I have to pick up my dog from the kennel. They wouldn't let me pick her up last night because I got into town late last night. I was mad! I have never put my dog into a kennel before and I will never do it again. Its too heart wrenching! Anyway, I better get going. I hope everyone had a great weekend. I will get myself back on track today, so that I can continue on this weight loss journey I desperately need! See ya! P.S. Can I just say how horrible this JFK Jr. thing is? What a shame.

July 22nd - Changes - Hi there. Well I made a very big decision this week. I decided that my job of 2 years was becoming detrimental to my health and sanity so I gave my 2 weeks notice. My last day with the company will be July 30th. For me this is a major big deal. I started at this company the first day they opened their doors. I work for a post-production company that creates special effects and computer graphics for commercials, films, music videos, etc. I started out as the receptionist and was promoted to office manager. I make a good salary, and I work with great people, but the company has no structure. The CEO of the company works in our NY office and doesn't allow us to make any decisions of our own for the company. The NY market is very different from the LA market and he just doesn't seem to understand that. We ended losing business because of the lack of knowledge and common sense on his part. He also doesn't believe in treating his employees very well. The president of our LA office and the executive producer recently left the company and they were the only two people that I really felt support from at work. When they left, the place just started falling apart as far as I'm concerned. The new executive producer is a real jerk. She is very much into power playing and she just doesn't fit in real well because nobody else at work is like that. Well, the CEO just loves her, so she's here to stay. I really don't want to work with her or most of the people that are still at the company, so I'm moving on. I plan to stay in the entertainment field, its pretty much all I know. I am in school right now in a video editor program, so as soon as that ends (September) I can start editing. In the mean time, I will probably work temp jobs or any job that is better for my frame of mind. I realized (too late) that I gained 75 pounds at my current job because of the stress of trying to help keep a company going that doesn't seem to know how to do that. I am a little nervous now, but amazingly I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Usually I hate change, which is probably why I stayed for so long, but I've been feeling pretty confident lately. Maybe 26 will be the year my life goes the way I want it to. I guess only I can control that! Anyway, I hope this isn't a boring post. I just feel like I'm starting to find myself again, and realizing that I have control of my future and that I do not have to be a victim of other people's realities and hang ups is a real awakening for me. Hopefully I will keep up this great attitude I'm developing! Anyway, the diet is getting under way again. I've started liking those biscuit breakfast sandwiches from Burger King. I just take off the biscuit and wipe the biscuit crumbs off of the cheese with a napkin. Ok, I know that sounds gross, but it sure tastes good! I will weigh myself in a few days so that the diet can kick in again and I can drop some pounds before I look at the scale. I hope everyone is doing great. I love the emails and guestbook entries you guys send. I know I always say this, but it really does help and motivate me when I read your messages. I know I'm kind of flaky about responding, but I will work on that! I guess I'll get going now. I don't have much to say, but I have a lot to say at the same time. If I get started, I'll be babbling forever. I'll give you a break now. Talk to you later!