My Nice Clean Joke Page!
Saint Peter, Satan, and a Nut Tree
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
Black Box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They found that in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
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50/50
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat. She replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
A L Smith
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Coffee In Bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...
'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
King of the Road
As a man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman...I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I80. Please be
careful!"
"Geez," yelled Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping"(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".(As night follows the day...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious).
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta).
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (I don't blame the company; I blame parents for this one).
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? ...Good grief)
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Coffee In Bed
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man,
who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven
seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain
Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the
pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call
for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not
show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a
man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again
spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and
waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmy shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
Up Up and Away
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for a flight to leave and
they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them
that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can takeoff immediately
thereafter.
The entrance opens and two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the isle,
both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing eye dog and the other is
tapping his way up the isle with a white tipped cane.
Nervous laughter spreads throughout the cabin as the men enter the cockpit.
The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
around, nervously searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forth coming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows
realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of
the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never
take off-- but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin,
but at the last moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
As the gear tucks and the flight trims out, the passengers relax and laugh a
little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob,
one of these days they're going to scream too late and we are all gonna die!"
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