Reviewed by Graham H. Moes
Graybrook Institute Film

Rating: C-

A quick definition of screenplay structure is “one or more protagonists overcoming increasingly difficult obstacles in pursuit of a goal.” 

Warner Bros.’ first summer tent-pole picture, Poseidon, has a handful of disaster-at-sea survivors squeezing through and scrambling over tons of twisted metal, live wires and dead people en route to saving their lives.

Technically then, Poseidon has a screenplay. Had the filmmakers settled for more than the quick definition to include the modifier “interesting protagonists,” it might be a good movie. As it is, the film rated PG-13 “for intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril” is itself a prolonged disaster.

Josh Lucas, a tremendously good actor with tremendously bad instincts for choosing projects, leads this cast of designated actors (can’t really call them characters) on this mildly incredible journey to freedom after their ocean liner capsizes one fateful New Year’s Eve somewhere on a studio sound stage.

He has lines like, “I work better alone,” “just try to keep up,” and the trusty-rusty “follow me if you want to live,” none of which tell us a thing about him other than the fact he’s seen too many disaster movies.

Ditto for tandem leading man Kurt Russell, whose character is a father, former firefighter and one-time mayor of New York . Why he is or was any of those things — why he’s even on this cruise with his teenage daughter and her boyfriend, for that matter — is not explained.

Ditto for Richard Dreyfuss’ character, a depressed gay architect (which at least sounds interesting) who wants to kill himself, then inexplicably wants to live, depressing us all in the process.

Rounding out the escapees are a hottie Latino stowaway and a single mother with her 10-year-old son. But as a colleague of mine observed, once their hair is wet, all three women involved look nearly identical, further complicating things.

The 10-year-old boy is the only one we come close to feeling for, but not through any effort of the filmmakers. It’s because he’s a 10-year old kid stuck on a sinking ship.

But even those all-important obstacles fail to entertain for lack of any increasing difficulty. They get louder, but aren’t particularly interesting or more challenging. The movie tries to compensate in one sequence by having Lucas’ character spring a particularly dangerous and complicated escape theory without fully explaining it or allowing even the little kid a moment to prep for the plan. (Maybe the thing we’re really rooting for the little guy to survive is the dangerously unstable writing.)

In his defense, the ever-cool Kurt Russell, who’s already proven himself in dozens of oxiginated movies, turns out to be an excellent underwater actor too. One scene late in the film, in which he desperately attempts to locate a lifesaving switch as his lung capacity nears the breaking point, is the only truly memorable moment in the movie.

And in the technical-awards category, there are several eye-poppers, including a pillar of fire of biblical proportions and a sequence in which the gang attempts to cross an elevator shaft deep as the Grand Canyon before flaming death comes crashing down from above.

If Kurt Russell, several spectacular deaths and some not-too-shabby visual effects are enough to float your boat, step aboard. If not, rent the original Poseidon Adventure starring Gene Hackman.

A note on Richard Dreyfuss.

He’s been quoted as saying he took the role solely for the large sums of money offered. Before seeing the film, I found it a sad, cynical thing to say. Now I realize it’s merely his defense.

Again, the production notes identify his character as “a suicidal man who re-discovers his will to live,” but we’re not remotely sure why.

Which prompts the question: if a big boat rolled over in the middle of the ocean and no one came to see it, would anyone care?

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