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Jokes I've Collected

Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed.
Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"
"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked.
"No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.
Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.
Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, and even added a few drops of his personal semen.
He shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse. This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop playing with yourself, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

*After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
*How can there be self-help "groups"?
*If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
*If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his "hands" with soap?
*If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
*If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
*Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
*Is there another word for synonym?
*Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
*Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
*When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
*When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
*When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
*Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
*Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
*Why do they report power outages on TV?
*Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
*If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
*If you lick the air, does it get wet?

One fall day Alice was out raking leaves when she noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a woman walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 women walking in single file. Intrigued, Alice went up to the woman following the second hearse and asked her who was in the first hearse.
"My husband," the woman replied. "I'm sorry," said Alice. "What happened to him?"
"My dog bit him and he died."
Alice then asked the woman who was in the second hearse. The woman replied,"My father-in-law. My dog bit him and he died as well."
Alice thought about this for a while. She finally asked the woman, "Can I borrow your dog?"
The woman replied, "Get in line."

A Ukranian couple just got married and they have just arrived in their hotel room on their honeymoon. They are undressing and the groom takes off his shoes and socks. The wife sees his toes and says "Oh my God! what happened to your toes?" His toes are all wizzened up and look terrible. He says "Didn't I tell you? When I was little I had toelio." So they continue undressing and the groom takes off his pants. The wife sees his knees and says "Oh my God! what happened to your knees?" His knees are awful. They are just big ugly knobs. He says "Didn't I tell you? When I was young I had kneasles." They continue to undress and the groom takes off his underwear. The bride exclaimes "Oh my God! you never told me you had smallcocks too!"

Fridays In Hell

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't THAT bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
COUNSELOR: What's the problem, you look depressed? GUY: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
COUNSELOR: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? GUY: Sure, I love to drink. COUNSELOR: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays.
COUNSELOR: Do you smoke? GUY: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
COUNSELOR: Do you do drugs? GUY: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays.
COUNSELOR: Do you gamble? GUY: Yes, I love to gamble. COUNSELOR: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays.
COUNSELOR: Are you gay? GUY: Well, no I'm not. COUNSELOR: Oh well, you're really gonna HATE Fridays...

NUDISTS

A family of three, mom, dad and a 10 year old girl, went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets."

Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat.
It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John, said; "Oh! I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must really feel terrible."
Then Joe, spoke up, saying, "Well I'm not the least bit worried. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish, and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I had ever seen.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her, and she leaked like anything, but this is what finished her: four guy's from the other side of town, looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them. I said she wasn't so hot. But they said they would take a crack at her anyhow.
I warned them to get into her two at a time, one from the front and one from the back, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her, she cracked right up the middle.
At this point, the old lady fainted .......

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had ---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the sh-ts.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Once Adam had Eve, he asked, in pleasant surprise :
"Lord ! Why did you make her so beautiful ?"
And God replied : "Adam, so that you could love her."
Adam scratched his woolly head once again and pondered the wisdom of the Lord, then asked : "But Lord, why did you make her so stupid ?"
And God, in His infinite wisdom, replied :
"Adam, so that she could love you."

Kathy and Jane worked in the same office. One morning, Kathy received a dozen of red roses. All day long, Kathy was cussing up and down at the roses. Jane felt so wierd about this, finally, she asked Kathy:
- What's wrong with you. I wish that I received such gift. It proves that he loves you very much.
Kathy said: - It means that for the next two weeks, I have to lie down with my legs up to my ears.
Jane: - What's matter with you? Don't you have a vase?

A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why. He says, "You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am ... he's got a better house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?" St. Peter responded, "You have to understand - we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever had."

Confucius say:
-------------
*Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
*He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
*Man who farts in church sits alone in pew.
*Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
*Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
*Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
*Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
*Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
*Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
*Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.
*Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
*Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
*Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
*Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
*Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy. *Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.
*Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
*Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
*Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
*Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.
*He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
*Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
*Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
*He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
*Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted.
*Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired.
*Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly fingaz.
*Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelery, dear.

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

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