Sunday, October 6 2002

Well I haven't updated in a while, and I've been pretty bored today so I spent the whole day just completely updating the entire site. I made new images and changed links and im gonna add new buttons and everything. so appreciate me, dammit.

So i moved to davis about 2 weeks ago. so far i don't know very many people here because i never leave my room. i sit at the computer with the door closed for hours on end and never meet new people, so basically the only people i know are the people i knew before i got here, or are from my classes, and a select few from my floor.

i haven't even been hanging out with don that much. i know he has a bunch of friends here so while he's out having fun i'm sorta just wishing he'd call me to hang out every once in a while...because it's illegal to download mp3's but it's all i've been doing recently.

yesterday i watched 5 movies. well, like 4 3/4. Samir and Jonathan spent the night on friday night so yesterday morning we watched "fargo". we hung out in the downtown area for like 2 hours, then they went home. after that i was bored so i got dressed up in a cute skirt and watched "cruel intentions" and "wild things," then i heard people down the hall so i went to check who it was, and it was 3 people from my floor watching "lethal weapon 4" so i joined them. then, chris called and i went over to his suite off campus and we watched most of "saving private ryan" with his cute roommates. mm. he lives with their RA named Justin and he's really cute. he reminds me of that australian guy from "undeclared." he listens to good music, too. he's not australian though...

my classes are cool i guess. we're on the quarter system so i'm only taking 3 classes and thats normal. im taking hebrew 1, medieval cultures, and design 1. my hebrew class is really easy because it turns out that i actually *do* know how to read and write, all i needed was a refresher. so now its really easy and the teacher suggested that i just stay in the class and get an easy 'A'. my medieval cultures class is going to be really tiring. it takes tons of reading, and a bunch of papers about tons of research. also, the professor asks questions that he words hella weird, so whenever he asks us something, i have no idea what he wants to know. it's not because i don't pay attention either, because it's really interesting and im completely engrossed in everything he says. i've tried asking him to rephrase the question but i think he just thinks that i'm stupid. my design professor is the most fun, in my opinion. he's really weird and has a lot of fun teaching. he wears really weird shirts too, and he's a goofball. plus, he thinks im creative. well, he used the word "clever," but either is fine for me.

i've been pretty lonely recently, and not all friend-wise either. ever since that fuckhead barry fucked me over, i've been too afraid to open up to anybody else. i've had my eye on several people but i just can't help being afraid that they would completely fuck me over. i mean, i thought i could trust him whole-heartedly (and i did), and it ended up that he was lying to me since the beginning. how can i tell who really is genuine? i brought up the courage to actually try to hit on brent and he did tell me he would call me (he asked for my number), but he never called me. i've moved on, but if he acts interested, who knows...i may end up being interested too. i'm currently crushing on arash. he goes here, and we have each other's numbers. i dont think he's interested, but to be honest, i would be perfectly happy just being friends/friendly acquaintances.

so in the 2 weeks that i've been here, i've only broken really lame rules. the first rule i broke was that whole making-the-bed rule. i don't do it. no exceptions. after that, i broke the curfew rule and got home at like 2. then, i did the laundry using fabric softener, which my mom never let us use before. the biggest rule i broke was the "body modification" rule. a few days ago i got the cartilage of my ear pierced and it looks awesome. it turned out just like i wanted it.

well i guess thats enough for now. im going to start updating as often as i used to, because i have almost no friends here and so i have nothing to do once im done with schoolwork. so take friends, and be sure to check out the rest of my site.

End of transmission, 20:02.

Person of the Day: Noaa, Just For Being Rad
Food of the Day: Enchiladas Smuggled from the DC
Band of the Day: Nightwish
Unfortunate Incident of the Day: Getting My New Socks Bloody

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Tuesday, October 8 2002

Well I've kept myself rather busy updating the site and all, and you all better recognize. The biggest improvement i've made is the MIDI Jukebox" that i spent all of last night working on, and barely got sleep. it's a lot of fun. think of it as a mixtape that i made for all of you (except barry because he can suck my ass). also i've put up pictures from proms and stuff, and now people who i mention who *dont* have their own profile up will have pictures up anyway. like marilu, jonathan, and melanie, because i mention them all the damn time but for some reason they don't have a profile up...well, thats easy, it's because they didnt fill one out. well christine, chris, and mariana are on their way to getting their own profiles, and nina will have her own if she returns that profile thing.

so today on the way to my hebrew class, i ran a stopsign and almost got pulled over by a bike-traffic cop. when i was turning, i had my eyes locked with full eye-contact with the cop, and the whole way to my class i was freaking out, and thinking "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck..." but he never pulled me over. maybe it's because i yielded.

so today all i've been doing is school, homework, grocery store, and website (pretty much), so i really don't have anything interesting to share. good night.

End of transmission, 22:45

Food Item of the Day: Shawarma
Friend of the Day: Mario
Website of the Day: Fuali.com

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Wendesday, October 9 2002

One word: ShoeSpot.

End of transmission, 21:44

Website of the Day: www.ShoeSpot.com

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Monday, October 14 2002

Today's been ok, i guess. I only had to go to one class today because there is a lecturers strike, so i finished my day at 10 am. When i got back to the room i did my homework, did the dishes, cleaned both sides of the room, and took out the laundry and the trash all before 1 pm. Then i went to Gottschalks with Sara(h?) but they didnt have what i wanted so i went back to the room and took a nap. well, i took a shower, washed my hair, and then took a 4-hour powernap in amy's bed. I was really bored all day today. amy made friends with some guy named larry so she wasn't here all day. i've been getting depressed again lately which sucks. i finally managed to pull myself out of a 9-year episode and now im falling back in. i can't say i really care though. does that make it worse? i'm really lonely here, and people have been pointing it out to me and theyre only making it worse. it's not like i haven't noticed. i feel like i have this big empty whole in my life. i have no social life. back home i thought i had no social life, but this is worse. at least back in sunnyvale i talked to people during school and stuff...i dont even do that. i don't know almost anybody here. Well i know don, chris, daniel kelley, pete, oren shetrit, sarah shemwell, and arash keyashian, but i dont hang out with any of them. i hang out with don and chris every once in a while but thats only like once every week and a half. i crave a social life. i'm afraid that if i make friends too quickly with people, i'll regret it later when i can't shake them off. noaa thinks that i should just make friends and choose who i tell things to, but it's not even like that. i didn't tell things to the people i didnt like and i still regretted making friends with them. its just so hard to read people before you decide to make the committment of friendship.

Yesterday I actually met a pretty cool guy named eric. his roommate chris is cool too. and the guy downstairs named bennett is cool too, and ryan and evan are really cute, and shoshana and christine are cool but nobody really hangs out with me. maybe the fact that i have a really shitty meal plan ruined my chances at a freshman-year social life. i just wish don would call me to hang out every once in a while, or that i would actually make some friends.

There is this guy named Ian from my medieval cultures class whose pretty cool, and he's one of those black sheep types. i like that. we might go to the mall in woodland tomorrow. we're going to dress up all goth and make it like a field trip. hey, if were taking the train it might as well be a field trip, right?

End of transmission, 25:12

Person of the Day: Sara(h)
Food Item of the Day: Miso Soup
Candy of the Day: York Peppermint Patties
Emotion of the Day: Depression...

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Sunday, October 20 2002

So as it turns out, all boys are creeps. Well, maybe not all. but as far as i'm concerned, about 99.98% of the population is a bunch of creeps and most of the people that i know are creeps as well. I just hate people. I've been really lonely, and i tried to make a friend a couple weeks ago...i won't mention his name because i may regret it later. anyway, so on thursday he was stoned and came to my room and we hung out for a bit, and he told me that he was "really glad we met" or something like that, and then he gave me a hug and left. that sort of creeped me out, but i let it slide. i still felt uncomfortable around him, so i told him i was going to bed because i wanted him to leave. anyway, so on friday he got really drunk and then we went to Don's house and i was watching tv and he sat really close to me on an otherwise unoccupied couch and put his arm around me and i tried to push him off and i told him to "get back", getting louder and louder every time i said it, and either he refused or kept trying to get closer i dont remember, but i remember having to push harder and he finally said, "what, don't you like me?" and i just said "no, get back" and finally pushed him off.....so i thought i did ok when he walked away, but then he came back like 2 minutes later, same position as before, with his arm around me, said, "what, don't you trust me?" so i said, "no, i dont." He looked sorta sad, then i went to Don's room and didn't see him again for a while. The guy ended up trying to go home and i kept telling him not to go home until he was sober enough to walk, and eventually i think amy walked him home. So i hate boys, i hate drugs, i hate alcohol,...

Onto other news, i think i aced my hebrew midterm, i did super on my first design project, and i've very recently acquired an astounding 40 cans of Hansen's Energy, endorsed by yours truly. I'm thinking of selling them for like $2 during the quarter, and $3 during finals. that sounds like i could make a little bit of spending money.

anyway, i'm bored, ive got stacks of unwashed dishes, and i really don't want to be on the computer right now. shit.

End of transmission, 20:11

Person of the Day: Henroid
Highly-Caffeinated Beverage of the Day: Hansen's Energy Drinks

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Monday, October 21 2002

ok, so what now. i've been really down lately. ok, "down" isnt the right word...its more like "downright depressed", yea, that sounds right. i hit this slump so fast, too. i was doing really well since like march or april, and then bam, in less than a month im just as depressed as ive ever been. i've never been so lonely as i am here. i mean there are people all around me but im so far away from all of them, emotionally. nobody here understands me. and that whole friday-night-sexual-harrassment thing started getting all these thoughts running through my head about how im never going to be able to trust people, and i'm always going to be alone. i'd been in therapy for years to try to make sense of the damage my dad had done to me, then assholes like barry had to go and traumatize me. now i feel like i just dont *want* to trust people. it'll only lead to pain, and i try to convince myself that i'm better off this way, not letting anybody in, but i'm so lonely. i feel weak and lonely and insecure and i've never felt so alienated...people are just so awful. how can they be so selfish? i found myself almost telling off that guy from the party, and i realized today that it wasnt that i disliked him, but its just that i feel that i am completely incapable of trusting people. i've given people so many chances to redeem themselves. i've tried to remain optimistic, but i don't see anything positive happening. i was sitting in my medieval cultures class today and i had to struggle to keep myself from crying right there. i can't believe how much damage shitheads that i dont even like can do, like my dad and barry have done to me.

what's worse is that my mom is going through a really tough time right now and i try to be there for her but its really hard to keep my patience with her. she cries to me on the phone and begs for my advice, and she always ends up doing the opposite of what i tell her.

so i have this big empty space in my life right now, and i've been searching for things to fill it up with. since drugs are out of the question, and a social life seems to be unrealistic, i went out and applied for a job today.

End of transmission, 22:21

Cool Thing of the Day: A 99% on my Hebrew Midterm
Simple Pleasure of the Day: Fabric Softener
Song of the Day: anything by The Cranberries

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Friday, October 25 2002

So today is friday, but i'm not glad it's here. i have a major paper due on monday where i'm supposed to write as if i'm attila the hun talking to pope leo the great, and it's supposed to make sense and everything. fuck that. i've had a pretty tiring week, stressful and everything. not as stressful as noaa's weeks usually are, but i was freaking out nonetheless. i had a paper due yesterday too, and yea. i've just been so tired, it's hard to balance school and sleep time. so far, though, i haven't been late to one class, let alone absent. i'm planning on keeping it that way. that's how i got through high school with such decent grades. my professors know when im there and they sure as hell will notice when im not. on that note, my medievel studies professor is a big weirdo. he was picking on me today (in a good way) and then made some comment about me wearing fangs so that makes me cool or something....but then i must have had a stunned look on my face when i said "what fangs?" and he got all embarassed....weirdo, it doesnt even look like i have fangs. i was thinking of getting my teeth capped eventually and having really subtle fangs. doesn't that sound rad?

speaking of rad, i dyed my hair for the first time ever on tuesday. i could never dye it before because my mom would freak out, but i finally did it and it looks awesome! it's feminine and classy and its so pretty. i bleached the front and dyed that dark purple, and the rest is black. i'm so happy with it, i think it looks really good. i've wanted to do it for so long, i think i've earned it. i know my mom really didnt me to do it (i cant emphasize "really" enough, so note that i didn't try), but i've been so depressed lately that i needed something to pull me out. i needed some kind of change, or something to do, and i love this. i hope she can understand that. so yea, i'm doing better. also noaa and i had a really good talk yesterday and i felt much better about things. either that or i was glad to talk to her. and bonnie. haha. also, matt and i talked, and we were all familiar and close and it was really nice. i miss that kind of intimate friendship. well, im pretty lonely still.

im keeping my eyes peeled for guys at davis that interest me and right now there are 4 main ones. the first one (ok, these aren't in any kind of order) is Arash Keyashian. yea, i know, i'm cheating (he went to my high school), but i like him a lot. he's hot too, which is rad. second, is this guy named Hadar. he's jewish, israeli, and a dead ringer for trent from daria. it's really pleasant to talk to him because he speaks to me in hebrew and its really familiar, comforting. it's like when you put a baby on your stomach with no clothes on, that skin-to-skin contact thats really soothing. hebrew is soothing, because it reminds me of my childhood but i have no fucking clue why i find that soothing. back on track, anyway. Hadar has a girlfriend, and i met her yesterday. she's really nice, but i like him a lot so i dont know how to feel about her. the third guy is this guy that i held the door for on wednesday. this sounds really weird, but i got these vibes off of him. i just *know* i have to talk to him. he wasn't dressed weird or anything, and he was cute but that's not what i noticed. he just gave me vibes that were like a mix between matt and dehvid and i'm drawn to him for some reason. i'm really confused about that one. what im more confused about though, is that i like don again, and not only a little bit either. see, when we first dated i had just broken up with matt and i wasn't ready for another relationship but i really liked don and i didn't want to miss my chance, so we got together and i screwed it up because i wasn't ready. we've been friends for a while now and i like to think we've been getting closer, but i just don't think he's interested in my like that anymore. that's fine too, but i dig him.

so i met this girl today off www.GothicPersonals.com. actually, she contacted me first, and then we talked over AIM. she's gothy and she seems interesting so we met in person today and she brought over he friend brian that looks like dan akroyd. the three of us hung out in my room for a while, then amy came in and then we hung out for a little bit more, talked about music, etc., then brian had to go, then luna (that's her name, luna) went back to her room to sleep. i think i bored her. i do that sometimes.

so davis is filled with a bunch of what i decided i'm going to refer to as "normies". all these people are so goddamn normal, and not in a cool way, either. by "normal" i mean that they're close-minded and unaccepting. i'm not talking about how they see me, because i really dont do anything differently from before (yea, that says so much) but the people here think im such a *freak*!

i don't feel like writing any more, but don't worry, i'm not in a bad mood this time. i just would rather be doing other things. 'ta.

End of transmission, 18:59

Person of the Day (well, yesterday): That Vibe-y Guy
Website of the Day: www.GothicPersonals.com
New Acquaintance of the Day: Luna

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Tuesday, October 29 2002

I'm in a really good mood today. I woke up in a really good mood, walked to starbucks at like 8 in the morning, got my usual (Mariana, Marilu, and Nehal know where it's at), then went to my hebrew class. i already finished my homework, did a little cardio, and ate the best ghetto sandwich (sliced turkey, ketchup, and yellow mustard) in the world. right now i'm doing pretty well. and i'm not just saying that to get kelly off my back, either.

Also i've been listening to my favorite music all morning and i just feel energized. I haven't been in a mood this good in a while. anyway i gotta go to class in a bit, so i'm going to go.

End of transmission, 11:32

Sandwich Ingredients of the Day: Turkey, Ketchup, and French's
Person of the Day: Don
Caffeinated Beverage of the Day: coffee

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