Sunday, June 1 2003
Oh my freaking god. I am so exhausted. This weekend I worked 4 shifts in less than 40 hours. I closed on Friday night, and then stayed up all night packing and helping Timo with his movie, then I was planning on going to bed around 9 or 10, when around 9 i get a phone call from a desperate boss at the Dixon Starbucks, begging me to cover a shift in her store, telling me she was desperate. I hadn't slept. I was supposed to work later that night too. I accepted. Don't ask me why. So after not sleeping, I worked at the Dixon Starbucks. It sucked, because it was a drive-thru Starbucks and it was hella busy, but I managed. I felt cracked out and tired and twitchy (i had 2 shots of espresso, an espresso brownie and a frappuccino), but I survived. After I got off work, Timo drove me back to Davis where I had a closing shift (this is still Saturday). So far, thats 3 shifts in 24 hours. After getting off work at 12:30 in the morning on Saturday (and after *no* sleep), I had to go to work at 5:15 am on Sunday. My goodness, the kind of exhaustion I'm feeling right now. On Saturday night I was so exhaused that I tried to take a nap on the floor in the back room during my lunch break. I ended up not falling asleep at all, but gave myself one hell of a backache. Fuck that, this isn't just some stupid backache, this is the most pain my back has ever been in. Hurts like a mofo. I begged everybody for a massage, I offered money to all my coworkers but none of them accepted. I begged Amy I would give her $5 for a massage (however long she felt was worth $5 of her time), and she accepted but ended up putting it off for hours, and ended up leaving for San Francisco with Sachi and Zane. I begged Droo, and offered him money, but he said he would do it for free. Then he realized he was late for work and ran off. I bought Jacob ice cream and he said he would do it, and he did. He said the left side of my back is really swollen. No shit. I mean, I didn't know it was swollen, but holy crap this hurts. I don't mean to be a whiny little bitch but holy fucking crap.
So actually, when Jacob and I got ice cream, it was actually on the way to show him my new *house*. Well, it's not mine. We're renting (we= Dina, Vinetta [whome I have yet to meet], and me). But for the sake of conversation it's freaking mine and I'm freaking excited. I get my own 11"x13" bedroom with a roomy walk-in closet in a new 3-bedroom house with 2 bathrooms, washer and dryer, dishwasher, backyard, gas stove, fire place, garbage disposal (which I don't think Dina noticed yet)...fuck yea. It's so awesome. Matty helped me schlepp (yiddish) a bunch of my shit over there today, because he's an awesome guy. Well, I did tell him I would treat him to sushi if he let me use his truck and he, being the suchi lover that he is, accepted. I felt bad because we had to talk to the owner for a bit and Matty got hella bored. But he was the third person to see the house. First being Dina, second being me, and third being Matt. Fourth was Jacob and hopefully Vinetta will be fifth. :/
So yea, awesome-ass place. After getting this crazy bad backache from 30 minutes on a floor, I'm starting to rethink the sleeping-on-a-blanket-on-the-floor thing. Maybe a futon is in order. ::sighs:: I'm so excited. Oh, but getting home from work (or going to work too I guess) is going to be a real bitch. I didn't realize this when we signed the lease, but the buses don't run at night during the summer. Me, being a closer, desperately needs the bus to run at night because I don't want to ride my bike a)in the middle of the night b)across several lanes of traffic, c)and across 2 onramps. It's hard on the legs, and damn dangerous if you ask me. I was talking to Melissa from my work, and she said that her boyfriend is actually planning on putting his car in the dump at the end of June when he gets a new car, and that I could just *have* it probably. I offered her a grand, but she said it wasnt worth that much and she'll talk to him about it and he will probably just give it to me. When she told me it was a 1992 Nissan 240 SX I (for some reason) pictured a shitty jeep thing or something, but it turns out its a sports car. who knew? so yay, I might only have to pay for gas and insurance. I also really want a car so I can visit R in sac, because thats a lot of driving for only him to do, and that's not fair. If i get that (or any) car, I'm going to be the happiest mofo alive.
My back is hurting like a bitch.
Ok I'm going to go to bed, because there's no reason why I should still be up at 10:30 considering I've slept a combined total of like 3-4 hours in the past 2 nights. I think I'm ready to pass out.
End of transmission, 22:34.
of the Day: [fucking exhausted]
* * *
Wednesday, June 4 2003
I feel like shit. Not only because I'm sick (again), but because I've been really down. I sort of know why, but then I sort of don't. I'm mostly down because I need a lot of reassurance or else I'll think something is wrong, and when I think something is wrong, I usually think of the worst-possible-case scenario and then completely freak myself out. I'm really low maintenance as far as friendships and relationships go, so I don't need a lot of attention as far as time is concerned, but I do need that reassurance that I'm liked or that my company is appreciated. I don't know if I'm really perseptive or just paranoid, but I really do feel like something is wrong. I've been driving myself crazy. I went to my classes today and then stayed in bed for hours. I'm also sick, mind you, but I have zero appetite...I mean, I have a very simple appetite anyway because I'm sick, but on top of that I refuse to eat because I'm down too. I *never* refuse to eat. Amy and Taylor and I were going to go to the DC (I figured I should put something in my stomache before work because I didn't have lunch either) but we realized that the Segundo DC was closed because there was a luau at the Tercero DC....we were disappointed because we didn't want to go to any luau, but piled into Taylor's car and drove to Tercero because we're lazy fucks. We got there and saw the line, freaked out, and got back into the car. I asked Taylor to drop me back off at home and then he and Amy left for In-N-Out.
I really don't want to go to work today.
So I have already moved a bunch of my stuff (and some of Amy's) to the house I'm renting for the summer. It's really awesome. I can't wait to move in, except it's far as hell from both campus and work, and it's going to be a real bitch to find a ride home from work every night because the bus doesn't run after like 7pm during the summer. Also, my mom is buying me a mattress. She's the best.
I really don't want to go to work today.
Since Matty helped me move the other day, I promised him a sushi dinner. Last night Matty, Amy, and I all went out for sushi and ate like pigs. We didn't actually count how much we ate, but it was nowhere near as much sushi as Amy can put away. Then Matty had to take some pictures for the paper and Amy and I fell asleep, due to large amounts of sleep-inducing sushi in our stomachs.
I *really* don't want to go to work today.
I have my hardest final this Saturday morning and I have to close on Friday night. Is it too soon to get this sick of working at Starbucks?
I'm sick. I really shouldn't have to go to work today.
End of transmission, 18:56.
of the Day: [really down]
* * *
Thursday, June 5 2003
Well, it turns out I've been utterly depressed for a reason. Turns out, Ross actually doesn't want to be with me. That's right. He broke up with me just this afternoon. We had a relatively short chat and I've been drinking myself stupid since then. I'm so miserable.
I've been crying all day. I really thought this would work out. Not necessarily forever, but at least for a couple of years. I really liked Ross. And I *thought* that he liked me. I thought I knew what went wrong, but then my own paranoia confuses even me, and so I'm left completely confused. I don't know if I built him up to be this great person that he wasn't, or if he was actually that great, but I think for the time being I'd prefer thinking that I made it all up. But I can't. He was amazing. I don't know if we were perfect for each other, but he was perfect for me. I haven't felt this down in forever.
know what to do with myself. I totally prepared myself for this awesome
relationship, and I told everybody about how completely awesome my boyfriend
Ross was. I even told my mom. I never tell my
mom anything....I guess he really mattered to me. I hate to think
about it, but maybe he really was settling for me. I like to think somewhere
in the back of my mind that maybe I'm worth more than I think I am worth,
but I guess I just have this fantasy that people think I'm greater than
I really am. I'm a good person, damn it. I guess it doesn't matter, since
he doesn't see it. Or maybe that's not what he wants. I told him I still
want to be "friends", but I don't think he wants to. He said we were "too
different". I havent cried this hard in so long...
I wish I could stop crying, my eyes sting really badly. I just keep drinking, hoping this feeling will go away, but I don't think it will. Only time will make me feel better. I can't believe I was so stupid. I sincerely though there could be a future between Ross and I. We were so compatible. Or maybe he was too good for me. Regardless, this pain just won't go away. I should have known this would happen. Nothing good ever happens to me. I was even going to up my workload so I could graduate a year early so Ross and I could travel, but now that isn't going to happen. I wish i never signed up for summer session. I want to go home. I want to be surrounded with people I've known for most of my life, I don't want to be here anymore. I made friends in Davis, but I really want to be back in Sunnyvale. It's more comfortable. As of now, it's still my home- even if I never return. I really don't want to live with my mom, but I can't see myself applying myself this summer. And I desperately miss my friends. Why am I so hurt?? I always knew that boys didn't mean anything- they're just boys. Why was I so convinced that Ross was the right one for me? I was so blinded- so blinded that I didn't see that he thought he was better than me. I feel as if I had acted in an immature manner. Maybe I did. I always feel like I act stupid when I'm happy. That's right, happy. He made me sincerely happy. I guess that's why I'm crying so hard. I thought for a while that he was the only thing that could make me feel like my life wasn't shit. Complete shit.
Meanwhile I'm listening to power metal so loud that all my neighbors must be bitching to their roommates. I have to pee like crazy because I've been drinking for hours but I don't want anybody in the bathroom to see me. God, I wish this never happened. After I finish my beer I'll probably wander around town, or cry myself to sleep, or wind up on Don's couch like I always do. I just need to be comforted, but nobody is here. I talked to Noaa on the phone right after I got off the phone with Ross, and I couln't help but bawl my ass off to her. Why did I place such importance on this one relationship? We handn't even been together long at all- only slightly over one month. We felt as if we'd known each other forever. At least that's what I felt. I haven't felt so shitty in ages. I just wish I could stop crying so I could go to somebody's house or something- I wish I could be anything but alone. I wish Droo or Don or Jacob were home; I feel as if they could comfort me more than anybody else could. Ross seemed so confidant that I just wan't the girl for him...I didn't feel that he was that much better than me- I felt that we were almost perfect for each other. Maybe I showed too much interest? No, that would be too immature on his part. He isn't that immature. Neither am I. He said that we were in different points in our lives, and that we were too different. I felt that, it's true- but he gave me the impression that there was no future for us, ever.
I wish I could stop crying for just a couple of minutes. I've barely eaten in days. I feel like shit. I saw this coming, but then again, I didn't. I knew something was wrong between us, but I didn't expect this. He said that he saw no future for us. I can't believe that I'm this hurt, and I've only known him for a month and a half.
Everything felt so right when we were together... maybe we were both blinded. I can't believe I told my mom about him. I never tell her anything unless I'm absolutely certain that it's for the best. I'm so crushed, and for some reason I feel utterly humiliated- just for believing that my life could have such a positive impact in it. I knew that Ross was too good to be true, and I told him that. I guess the worst part is that maybe he believed it....
I never saw this coming...maybe that's the worst part. I saw us lasting for at least a year or two. This came as such a shock...maybe that's why I'm so devastated. I even introduced him to Kelly, and I never introduce my boyfriends to her. Maybe I just took this too seriously. Maybe I scared him away. He said that we were in different points in our lives. Should I suffer just because I was born a few years later than he was?? Maybe he was slightly more experienced- or mature- than I was. Or maybe I was more experienced than he. Either way, it's over. I guess we're not getting back together. I guess I'm just going into just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-so-fuck-off mode...so I guess just be nice to me. I really don't like breaking down in public places. I'm going to go. I'm paying way too much attention to Ross and not enough attention to my 40 of Mickey's. I may update later, but if all goes as planned, I'll be passed out by 'later'.
End of transmission, 19:31.
of the Day: [morbidly depressed]
* * *
Sunday, June 8 2003
Well, I'm feeling better. A lot better. I mean, I still can't eat and I'm sleeping all the time, but I am doing a lot better. As for the Ross thing, I think it's going to be ok. The whole hospital thing put things into perspective and everything's going to be okay. I'm still upset about what happened, though. I truly believe he's making a mistake. We would have kicked ass together. But whatever. It was his decision. Maybe he was right. We are in different places in our lives anyway. And I feel bad for making it sound like he acted like he was better than me. He didn't act/say anything like that. It was my own insecurities that gave me that idea. He really was awesome. I guess that made it harder. If he was an ass, I could have kicked him to the proverbial curb long ago. But he wasn't. He was great.
Ok, so the hospital thing. That was really stupid. My RA called an ambulance because I passed out. Even though I told him I was fine when I came to, he said that it was his job to overreact in order to pass the responsibility onto somebody else (the hospital), to make sure he did all that he could to make sure I was ok. Truth was, I was pretty wasted. I mean, I was really wasted. Ok, so I was really fucking wasted but not drunk enough to go to the hospital. They didn't even pump my stomach. They just gave me an IV and let me sober up....then Amy, Vanessa and Don came to pick me up...that was nice of them.
I feel really bad about what happened on Thursday. I don't know the names of the girls whose room I...disrespected...but I wrote them a letter (I tried knocking on their door upwards of a million times, and they never answered) and included a $20 gift certificate to Jamba Juice. I hope that can help make up for it. The worst part was that I didn't even know them. But then, I guess that made it better. I might never have to see them again. Ack.
I had to talk to the "conduct coordinator" about what happened, regarding my hospital visit and having alcohol in the dorms. I didn't get in trouble at all (a personal victory), but she was concerned that I tried to kill myself. She was going to call my mom to let her know so that my mom could take care of me, knowing what happened...well I knew that wasn't a good idea. I told the conduct coordinator that if my mom found out that I drank, it would be detrimental to the situation. She talked to her superior and said that they would not call my mom as long as I saw a therapist at least once. Ha! At least once. I can do that. I wanted to see one anyway. So I have to see a therapist at North Hall, and talk to the alcohol liaison lady at the health center about alcohol abuse. Yuck. So I guess the main reasons why I didn't get in trouble at all are as follows:
I've never been written up for anything before (not even a noise violation)
I'm sure there were more reasons. Regardless, I didn't get in trouble of any kind. Yay, me.
So yea. I'm doing a lot better. For some reason I really wanted to talk to Loki or Jacob about what happened, but they were both out of town. Both in the LA/San Diego Area, too. Damn them. Because they weren't around I called Ohio Pat. We talked for a while. I told him everything that happened and he made me feel a lot better. We talked for a while, then Lauren (the RA from the 3rd floor) came to talk to me. She's awesome. Well eventually Loki came back and I told him what happened (well, not everything), and he sort of consolled me. As much as I expected to be consolled, anyway. Then Esparto Brad came and helped me move. It was awesome. We blasted Ladytron and assorted black metal as we schlepped my shit to the house on Lillard. It was a lot of fun. Then he helped me assemble my bed, but something is wrong and the headboard *just* won't fit the frame! The holes are the wrong distances apart, the screws are like an inch too short, and if we *could* get the headboard screwed into the frame, it would be about 3 inches off the ground. Wtf. Oh well. I was just going to use plastic ties or duct tape or something. Or just lean the headboard against the wall behind my bed. It's not like the headboard is that important anyway. Anyway. So Brad was awesome, and then he dropped me off at home and headed over to Vanessa's. Then Jacob came home. Sweet, darling Jacob. He always makes me feel better. About everything. Lauren said the same thing. He's a very positive guy. Nothing ever seems to get him, although I'm sure he has had to deal with his fair share of shit. So I talked to Jacob, and while I'm not sure if he ever did end up coming over (I passed out while watching "Snow Falling on Cedars" [boring movie by the way]), but he made me feel a lot better. I feel like such a fat-ass. I bought him a 1 lb. bag of chips and a jar of dip at The Junction on Thursday (or was it Wednesday?) and I ended up eating the entire bag of chips. Not all in one day, though. And I only had like a third of the dip. Thank god. I'll buy Jacob another bag.
Today is Gay Pride Day. Droo and Jacob (and hopefully Lauren?) and I were going to Central Park for the Gay Pride Picnic. It should be a lot of fun. Why do I get the feeling that both Droo and Jacob are going to sleep in today?
Ok I think I updated as much as I can for the time being. Maybe this summer I'll change the site's look again. That will be good. Maybe less goth and more..hmm. Nevermind. I'll have to work on it.
End of transmission, 10:35.
of the Day: [ashamed]
* * *
I hate this town. I'm so sick of this whole place. Of everything. I want to go home. I want to go to that place that home represents. I want to sleep in every morning and stay in bed forever, get all the things that I want to get done, done. I want to see my friends. I miss my friends. I want to go back to Sunnyvale. I wish I never signed up for summer session. I wish I could just go home and never have to worry about anything again. I wish I had a car. I wish I had money. I wish I had a car so I could get to work, so I could make more money and then spend it on things that mattered. Or people that mattered. I wish my mom would pay me back already so I could afford a car. I wonder when she's planning on paying me back. I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this shit anymore. I wish I never grew up. Thinking back, maybe it's better I grew up. My childhood would have killed me. It almost did. But I wish I could have been carefree for a little longer. I wish I had more of a childhood. I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss my friends, and my mom's cooking, and not having to make sure I have enough money to pay the rent. I wish I had a car, god dammit. Maybe then I could drive away every so often. Drive to...the place my home represents.
I've been looking at cars on e-bay. Although I've found some apparently decent- and even great- deals, I know that it's just a fantasy. I'm too inexperienced and naive to buy a car off the internet. But I know what I want. I want a late-90's Honda Civic sedan. Black exterior, black interior. Hood scoop, spoiler, body kit. I know what I'll settle for. Anything. Just get me out of here.
I've been so down lately. I'm talking down for a while, before Ross and I got together. I'm not only down because of the break-up. I just need...a vacation. Why did I ever sign up for summer session?
Tomorrow is Monday. I have no class. I have no tests. I work an 8-hour shift. I'm scheduled to work 30 hours this week. I really want to go home.
I can't believe I haven't bitched about work yet. Today, the customers were less tolerable than usual. Actually, they were quite annoying. Utterly annoying, even. I estimate that roughly 50% of the customers today were telling me their orders while gabbing on cell phones. What was worse, they seemed to favor the person on the other side more than respecting the out-the-door-line depending on their speed. I wanted to attack every single one of those cell-yelling losers with their own antennas. Goddamn. Then, the very same people who complained about the long line had to stand in front of my register and try to think of what they wanted to drink. What? Are they saying that this horribly long wait wasn't actually long enough to give them an opportunity to decide on a drink? Morons. It all comes out the same. C'mon, people. Next are the people who giggle to their friends like morons and try to *fight* cutely about who is going to pay for the drinks. Morons. I don't give a shit. Whichever moron flung their grubby credit card in my face first can pay. I don't give a shit if you owe them money. I swear to God, I don't give a rat's ass. Then are the people who for some reason can't fathom why I would want to know the *size* of their drink. [mockingly:] "[hee hee hee]Hi [hee hee] caramel macchiato [hee hee...]", continues to talk to friend, disregarding the fourth or fifth time i ask, "what size would you like?" "[hee hee, continues to talk to friend]" "Did you want a 'grande'?" "[hee hee, chat chat]" "Excuse me, [tap, tap] what size did you want?" "Oh, caramel macchiato, [hee hee]" GODDAMN. Would these people just...implode...if they stopped talking to their friends for one second and completed a fucking transaction?!? I don't care that you ordered a caramel macchiato. We got past that already. Now, what fucking size did you want so I can press the damn button and charge you? Holy crap. These people aren't even foreigners, either. They're just stupid. Lastly, there are the people that *forgot* the drink they asked(told) the barista to make. "Uh... uh... I think it was uh....frappucc- no, a latte? No- I white mocha. Yea, a whi- no, I mean.." HOLY JESUS CRAP! YOU JUST FREAKING TOLD THEM YOUR ORDER. I wanted to cry. Today was horrible.
I was with Droo at the Gay Day picnic at Central Park today. I enjoyed Droo's company but I couldn't help but mope the entire time. I didn't really enjoy myself I guess. I had a horrible time. I'm having a horrible time here, with everything. I really just want to go home.
I think I've finished bitching for now. I'm quite worn out. I'm going to go lay in bed and mope for a while and maybe I'll fall asleep and then I can stay in bed until I have to go to work. Yes, that could be pretty cool. Too bad I can't stay in bed all day. I would if I didn't have to work. I wish the sun never came up.
End of transmission, 25:30.
of the Day: [depressed]
* * *
Monday, June 9 2003
Today was better than yesterday. I even laughed some at work. I spent most of the time wishing more than ever that I had a car so that I could have somewhere to cry on my lunch breaks. I feel like shit. I made myself eat lunch today because I had an 8-hour shift. I find it easier to stomach fattier foods, like macaroni & cheese and burritos and stuff. I really wish I could go home. I found out today that Melissa's boyfriend isn't getting rid of his car after all, so I can't get it from them. Timo says that he will help me buy a car. I'm looking for Honda Civics or Accords, or Toyota Corrollas or Camrys. I'll settle for less though, like a volkswagon or even a Chevy. I've been looking in the papers and online, and it looks like I could buy my own used car by the middle of the summer. That would be awesome. Now only if I could get my mom to pay me back... I called her today on my lunch break and tried to ask her all slyly (is that a word?) if she could put some money back into my saving's account to help me pay for rent because my account balance is getting "sorta low"....well, it's not. But I wanted her to pay me back the $2,000 she borrowed from me. Well, it didn't seem to do much because I think she's only going to put enough for the rent each month. Where is my car?? I think I'm the most frustrated because I've been saving up for a car since I was 6 or so- I've always wanted a car. I've saved up for literally my whole life. It's all I've ever really wanted. Now that I sort of have the money, I just can't get it together. I can't just tell my mom that I want my money so I can buy a car, because she doesn't support the idea at all. Thus she is keeping my money from me. It's my money!! And I *do* need a car! Right now I think it's the only thing that can make me happy. I feel so helpless right now. I don't have the energy to talk everywhere, or try to coordinate Costco field trips. I've worked too damn hard my whole life to raise money for a car, and I'm certainly not going to let my mom's decision stand in my way, damn it.
Speaking of working hard, I also worked sooooo damn hard to get into college. So why am I slacking off so much? I worked like a dog to get into Davis, and now I'm taking it easy and taking moron classes. I originally took easy classes to help me adjust to the college environment, and to give me a chance to socialize a bit and learn the topography. Second quarter I took normal classes, but still on the easy side. I was depressed, so I took it easy. This quarter I took it easy again because I was planning on working a lot, and didn't want my grades to suffer. So I pretty much took easy classes all year, and now I regret it. Not only because I feel that it makes me look stupid (to Ross or whoever else that matters), but I don't feel like I've learned anything at all. I'm really glad I took Hebrew, and I learned from that, but it really didn't challenge me. I rarely went to Chem and didn't do one single homework assignment, and yet I passed. I learned a lot about Medieval culture in Medieval Culture, but still wouldn't be able to answer any questions, if someone were to ask me. Design 1 was a joke, but it was prerequisite for my major and all other design courses. Art History was a real bitch. If I learned anything at all this year, it's how to cram hundreds of pieces of art into my memory. I had to learn hundreds of pieces and their place of origin, the date they were made, and the artist that made them. On top of that I had to know why they were or weren't significant religiously or artistically (historically), and which pieces they influenced or were influenced by. I heard from tons of people later that the course I took was the hardest of the art history courses. Good to know. I got a B. This quarter I also only had 20 minutes to sign up for classes because I was about to get kicked out of school if i didn't pay my bill...so I signed up for Geology (a requirement for my major, and hard, too), Hebrew 3 (because it matters to me) and Wildlife and Fish Conservation Biology because every other class was either taken or didn't fit into my schedule. I don't know if it was easy because I already know the topic or what, but I was mindlessly bored whenever I did decide to attend. I'm getting an A. So I guess almost all my courses are justified. After all, it was only my freshman year. Maybe next year I'll take harder classes. And maybe next year I'll get 4.0s instead.
I worked so hard to get into college, I'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to be well-educated and I'm going to ammount to something. Even if I don't take any math classes, I'm going to be intelligent, damn it. I feel like I've let my brain rot, ever since I stopped applying myself. Stupid depression- it ruins everything. I used to be so bright and capable- capable of anything. I don't mean to brag, but I was damn intelligent. I used to be. Then in junior high I got really depressed. I started cutting myself and badly wanted to commit suicide constantly, but I held it off. I told myself that things would get better once I moved out, once I graduated from high school and once I was on college. Then I got worse. I stopped caring. "What's the use? I'll be dead by the time I'm 25." I truly believed it. I showed up to class but spent all my energy holding in the tears and paid no attention to the lessons being taught. I deteriorated in every way that somebody can deteriorate. I stopped doing my homework. I cared when I failed tests, but I knew that in the end it wouldn't matter. When I arrived at high school I was already drinking and had adopted the habit of self-mutilation for good. I cried constantly and probably wante to die that year more than ever- but I kept pushing myself. "It'll all be okay once I'm in college. I'll be happy once I move out, once I get away from all of this."... I kept going to class. I never ditched. I even took Chemistry Honors my freshman year, but I really didn't feel like applying myself. I didn't study, but I tried on every test. I pretended not to care when I was getting C's and D's in my classes, but I cried once I got home. Things just weren't working out. At least I didn't have to try hard, because I still wasn't planning on living past 25. I finally realized that if I didn't shape up, I would never get into college. I desperately wanted to go to college. I desperately wanted to leave. I started trying again- I really pushed myself. I raised my GPA from a 2.4 to a 3.4 by my Senior year. I took 7 classes every single semester of my high school career, and while I still didn't see a point in it all I continued to push myself, telling myself that it would all be better once I moved out. Well. I moved out. Look at this shit now. What the hell was I working toward? I'm still miserable, except now I have to pay for shit. I'm still working my ass off and it's still going down the drain. I still believe that I'll never amount to anything and while I pushed back the age to 35, I don't have much hope for myself. I'm a miserable person. I lead a miserable life. This sucks. I wish things would get better just every once in a while to give myself hope. I had Ross for a while and that helped, but now he's gone and I'm back to where I used to be. Miserable. Hopeless. Alone. I miss Matt. I wish I didn't have to look back and regret anything. I wish I didn't have to miss anybody. I wish everything could be like I hoped it would be when I was in junior high. I wish I didn't look forward to something that would never come through. I wish there was a point to any of this. I'm going to work hard next year- because only if I work hard will I amount to anything. I probably won't amount to anything anyway, but I certainly won't if I don't try. I'm just so sick of trying.
End of transmission, 25:30.
of the Day: [utterly depressed]
* * *
Tuesday, June 10 2002
Well the good news is that my appetite is back. The bad news is that I ate so much I made myself sick. I didn't eat a lot, I just ate sickening stuff. Like eggplant parmesan. And beef jerky. And half of a caramello bar. And half of a chocolate chip cookie. I want to vomit. Amy and I went to the Junction again after lunch to spend some more of out munch money and bought several bags of beef jerky, some candy, and a bottle of Jolt cola. I am doing a lot better today. I woke up today and almost cried and then I felt a lot better. Today might be okay.
I decided to bring back keds. Noaa doesn't seem to believe me, but I swear I'm going to bring keds back and make them cool. Cooler than Converse All-Stars. Why? Because stupid emo kids ruined Converse All-Stars. Everybody has them. They're now the "cool" thing to wear. Whatever happened to those lame canvas keds your mom bought for you when you were 9? I'm going to wear them. I'm buying a pair of red ones today. I'm excited. I'm going to single-handedly bring back keds.
Amy called www.Overstock.com today to complain that the beds we bought weren't compatible with the headboards they came with, and the operator offered us $25 per bed to not return them. Yay! I didn't really want a headboard anyway. It is cute though. I feel sick. Too much caramel...
I think I'll pack some more today, and unloft my bed. That's going to take a lot of effort.
End of transmission, 14:29.
of the Day: [okay]
* * *
Wednesday, June 11 2003
Allow me to bitch. Nevermind. Fuck you. I don't need your permission or anyone else's. I'm in a shitty mood. The fact that I had to work 8 hours today really wasn't a big deal. It wasn't even a deal at all. That was ok. Trying to fall asleep last night was a big deal. The dipshits next door felt it necessary somehow to scream "FUCK!" over and over again, and then "OHHHHHH!!!" and "FUCK!!" some more. Bitches. At 3 in the morning. And after 3. I wanted to kill them all. At the time I actually wasn't so pissed. I knew I didn't have to wake up 'till 1, so I still had time to fall asleep. As they continued to scream I continued to get more and more upset, but within reasonable limits. Then, at 6 in the morning, darling Amy's alarm went off. She set it so that she could study before her final this morning. Well, it woke me up too. And I tossed and turned till after 9 before I just gave up. I cleaned for a while, and packed, and took down posters and decorations. I tried cleaning the sticky crap off the windows with both generic glass cleaner and Goo-Gone, but niether helped. I played some soothing (metal) music to put me in a better mood, and then went to lunch with Droo and his friend Alicia.
After I came back (with Droo) to my room, my mom asked me to help her complete some moronic task on the computer. She tried to save a text file as a j-peg, thinking that it would turn it into an image file through some miracle. Well, it of course confused things, and she asked me for help. Okay. So I sent her a program I have that captures screen shots, and at first she declined my file transer twice. Okay. Finally she wanted me to walk her through on how to accept the file....::gets a little tense:: So I walked her through all the steps necessary to download the file I was sending her. Then I had to walk her through all the steps for installing the damn program. She couldn't figure that out on her own but I don't really blame her. It was only *mostly* simple. Okay. Then when I had her open it, she said her computer froze. No, I told her, it didn't freeze. The program looks like that. Okay. She argued for a bit and I told her to close the window and open the program again. She asked me how. ::gets a little more tense:: I had her open the program again and she said it looked frozen again. "It's not frozen," I said to her," you just closed the program. That's just what the program looks like." Okay. Then I followed her through all the steps to use the program (I had her follow my own little [easy as shit] tutorial.). She complained, and argued. And got confused. Okay, she wasn't raised with computers. I continued to get more frustrated. I really wasn't in a good mood to begin with. Eventually I got her to take a screen shot and then she just started freaking out that there were 2 of the same image on the computer, so it must be spazzing out. No, I told her, that's what the program does. It creates an image file out of whatever you see on the screen. It's supposed to look like that. She calmed down. I told her to save it. "How do I do that?" HOLY FUCK. ::temper rises:: I told her how. "It won't let me save it as a GIF file". "Ok," I told her," just save it as a BMP file and I'll help you convert it in a minute....Have you saved it yet?" "Yes" "Okay, now open Adobe Photoshop." "How do I do that?" ::temper boils:: "Go to the 'start' menu, open 'programs', then 'adobe' then 'photoshop'." "I can't find it." "What do you mean you can't find it?" I wanted to slap her. "It has 5 different programs under 'adobe'..." She lists them off. The second program she mentioned happened to be called "Photoshop". If I was there, I may have slapped her. "Open it," I told her. "Now go to 'file,' then 'open' and open the file you just saved using the capture program". "I can't find it." ::pissed off:: "What did you call it?" "I don't remember." "Well where did you save it?" "I don't know". Holy fuck. I was started to get really mad. "Okay, go back to the capture program and save it again." "How do I do that?" She *had* to have been kidding. I walked her through it again. "Now go back to Photoshop. Open the file." "It won't let me." "What do you mean 'it won't let me'??" "A screen popped up. It says 'unable to read file ::mumbles::'.." "I don't know, Mom. I don't know how to help you. I've never seen that message before. I'm sorry. Ask Kevin when he gets home." "Okay. Thank you Sharonie" "Bye, Mom." "Bye Sharonie."...
After that I went downstairs with Droo to have a cigarette. Well, I had two. I don't even smoke. It calmed me down enough, and I went upstairs to change into my work clothes, and went to work.
Work was okay I guess, but all the shift leads were in bad moods. Then I didn't get my first 10 minute break until almost 5 hours into my shift. And I had to empty every single trash can on the premises. Well Starbucks isn't responsible for the big ceramic ones outside, but Adriana told me to empty those too. The cheap bastards that bagged those trash cans only used one bag for each can and they leaked goopy crap all over the damn place. Beth ended up coming in by accident because she thought she was sheduled to work, and asked if she could cover the last 3 hours of my shift. At first I resisted, but then I came back and told her I would be glad to give her the rest of my shift. So I quickly went to AM/PM and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. This is so sad.
I'm pretty bitter. I'm really disappointed with the way this whole "life" thing has been turning out. Everything sucks. I'm doing really well regarding the whole Ross thing. I'm really glad it ended sooner than later, and I didn't get a chance to get that attached. I figure if I act mature about it, he may eventually want to be friends, or "friends." Either way, I would like that. I would like that way better than not talking at all, anyway. We had way too much in common to not be friends. I'm actually okay with not being romantically attached to him. I'm actually over that. I guess I was more disappointed of him not being in my life. That would truly suck, even though I haven't know him for that long yet. I guess that makes it better. If he chooses not to talk to me at all, then that's life. Haha. I mean, then that's okay. I laugh because life is miserable. I'm so bitter. I worked hard all my life and all I got out of it was old. And miserable. And ugly. And bitter. I have a feeling that this whole depressed thing will go away on its own. I just have to wait it out. This comes and goes regularly, like clockwork almost. I guess I can wait it out. I feel that I am getting better. I got over the disappointment of not being able to go home next week, and I guess I'm a little optimistic about this summer. I have several cool people staying in Davis, like Matty, Vanessa, Don, Jacob, and Droo, among others. Maybe it won't be so bad. I do still want a car, though. The owner of the 1995 Toyota Tercel called me back today while I was at work. I think I'll call her back right now. I'm going to buy that car. Now I just need the money.
End of transmission, 21:27.
of the Day: [irritable]
* * *
Sunday, June 15 2003
Well today went pretty well. Actually, today was okay. Yesterday was pretty good. And the day before that. On Friday morning I had my Hebrew final and I kicked its ass. It wasn't an easy test but I was prepared and I know I did really well. My teacher is really weird and won't let us leave midterms and finals until she feels like we've gone over our tests a million times and then she will send us back to our seats several more times just to check a couple more times. Well, I didn't have patience for that kind of crap. When I finished my final I went over it 2 or 3 times then just sat and drew little pictures on the paper like a flower that says "Hi! Give Sharon an 'A'!" and "She's a good student!" and then on one page I drew a little rabbit that said "What, don't you like me?"...well when she saw the little drawings she got really concerned about my self esteem for some reason, and asked me in front of the whole class why I felt like people didn't like me, and she told me all these reasons why I should feel good about myself, and she told me that it was a serious matter and not to joke about it. It was pretty humiliating. Especially because the rest of the class didn't know that I didn't mean anything by it and that she was just an idiot. Sheesh. So I finally snuck by her and turned in my final while she was shooting her yapper off to Danny Bernstein about her son and ran off to catch appointment with the Health Education...educator....in the health center. It was lame. I basically had to tell her what my alcohol "habit" was like and what I'm like when I'm drunk and stuff. Weak sauce.
After my appointment I went home and packed some more, then tried to help Jacob pack but it was useless because I didn't even know what was his shit and what was his roommates. Then Timo drove me to South Sacramento to look at the '95 Tercel I was eyeing online. Well everything about it seemed pretty nice but it just didn't seem kosher...because it had been repainted and stuff, and the girl that owned it was a misbehaving teenage girl with a boyfriend that worked at a body shop (it would make more sense if you knew the situation). Well I didn't get the car, and then Timo and I went back to his house. I felt strange going over there because he lives in the same neighborhood as Ross... Well anyway, we moved Timo'smongoloid tv into his apartment. Then Scott, Timo, and I drove to the airport to pick up Ty and then we stole a smart-e-cart and now it's in Timo's apartment. :/ After Scott and Ty left, Timo and I watched "Old School" (funny as shit) and then drove to my *new* house in Davis and we fell asleep on the floor while watching "Amelie." Well, Timo slept pretty well...I woke up like an hour after falling asleep and I couldn't fall asleep again.
In the morning, Timo and I went to a shitty flea market and didn't buy anything then he dropped me off at home and he continued on his way to Vacaville. I packed a whole lot more, moved, had lunch with my mom, Kevin, Jim, Evan, and Amy at Fuzio, then unpacked a whole bunch. I couldn't find my purse anywhere and I thought that I had left it in Kevin's truck, which was already probably like 50 miles away. I didn't really panic but I was a little peeved...we have no phone line and no internet at the house, and my cell phone was in that purse somewhere. Also, I had no wallet- that was in the purse too. I ended up finding my purse the next day...it fell behind my bed. :/
Yesterday I packed like crazy and went to work (it was fun!). There was a light flow of customers for the entire duration of my shift. We had so much time that we cleaned *everything*. I even got on my hands and knees inside the fridge and scrubbed all the goopy frappuccino crap off the buttom of the fridge. I hadn't slept much (an hour?) the night before, and I knocked everything over. I was really clutzy last night.
This morning Amie drove me to work because the buses don't run today. I made like 100 frappuccinos in 10 minutes and was ready to go home and pass out for hours but stupid Derek was half an hour late and so I had to stay late too. The bike ride home was pretty harsh. I live like 4 miles from Starbucks I think. I'll figure it out when my internet is back up. Oh yea, I forgot to mention. Since I don't have internet yet (I'm going CRAZY!) I'm saving my journal entries on my computer and I'll update once I'm back up. "Why not just use NetZero or AOL for the time being?" you ask? Because we have no stinkin' phone line. But this place is mad awesome.
I've been doing a lot better, emotionally speaking. My biggest problem right now is sleep. Too bad 8 hours is already too much to hope for tonight. :/ Fuck. I should go to bed now, since I gotta be on campus at like 10:30.
End of transmission, 27:00.
of the Day: [tired]
* * *
Saturday, June 21 2003
Well, the last few days have been interesting. On Wednesday I went with Vineta and Nat to the futon shop in Sacramento to pick up Vineta's new futon, and we stopped by at Ace Hardware to buy a lamp for my room. Well, I bought a lamp...and then some. I bought a pet rat too. She's so damn cute. Her name is Delores. I'm in love with her. Vineta bought a rat too, and named her 'Enduro' (its some rock-climbing thing?). Well we love those rats. Even though they pee on us all the time. Well on Thursday Noaa came up to Davis and we hung out. We made chicken tequila fettuccine together, then Matty came over and we all ate it together. Then I gave Matty a bunch of cash and he came back a couple of hours later with a 6-pack of sierra nevada and a keg of Natty. Haha. I love Matty. Well Thursday night we threw a party and it was a lot of fun. Tons of people came over including Danny Bernstein, who didn't know that it was my house that the party was at. Everybody had a great time, and everybody (except Don) got sloshed). Timo got really drunk, which was funny because I think it was his first time ever being drunk. Noaa might have taken some pictures of the party. If so, I'll post them as soon a she gets them developed.
Yesterday Noaa and I made t-shirts with bat wings on the back, then I had to work an 8-hour shift, which sucked, because I was very hung over. Luckily it was really slow and Derek gave us 1-hour long lunch breaks. I went to Don's house to see what he was up to, but he wasn't home. So I called Jacob, Ross, Don's mom (more on that next), and Pat. Ok, so I called Don's mom because I'm going to buy Don's brother Ed's Mitsubishi Eclipse. I'm excited. Now I just need someone to teach me how to drive a stick, then I have to drive it back up here.
Last night was fun. Noaa, Matty, and Taylor hung out while I was at work, then they picked me up and we went back to my house and did a bunch of keg stands and hung out and talked and did more keg stands until about 5 am then all crashed on my bed (except for Taylor who insisted on walking home for some reason). Noaa, Matty, and I all slept on my bed, which hurt like a motherfucker. I was falling behind the bed the entire night, and woke up a million times because my back hurt so much. We woke up at 9 when Noaa left to go back home. Then Matty and I passed out again, then he left at about 12:30 and I woke up shortly after and took a long-needed shower. That felt awesome. I guess everything's all caught up now.
I'm waiting for grades to come out, and for Don's dad to call me back so I can tell him how interested I am in that car.
End of transmission, 15:11.
of the Day: [okay]
* * *