Saturday, February 1 2003

It's fucking early on a saturday morning and i couldn't sleep anymore. i don't know why... yesterday i went with don to a hardcore/thrash/grindcore show at the Gilman and he didn't think i could take the pit so for the last band ("KungFu Rick") i showed him up by going in the pit. I teared it up, by the way, but i got elbowed hella hard in the eye. I got a black eye from it, i could tell (it was puffy right away and it hurt, not shit) but i went back into the pit and i got punched/elbowed in the same eye again, but with so much force that my contact lense popped out and i lost it :( . needless to say that one hurts like a bitch too. So now i got elbowed under my eye toward my nose (which hurts too) and elbowed/punched on my upper eye, on the brow (which hurts even more). the sucky thing is that it barely turned color. below my eye is the crappiest, most pathetic excuse for a black eye i have ever seen, and on top theres no discoloration at all (i don't think) but its swollen still. it's sorta.....feminine almost. it's cute. haha.

Oh yea, i don't know if i mentioned that i got a button maker yet...i got a button maker that makes the cute 1" buttons...i'm so excited. John from Clearing Autumn Skies said that his band might be interested in my buttons, I've also made buttons for Amy and I sold some to Evan and Don. So much fun! i think i'm going to sell buttons off my site...like, somebody can send in an image and ill fix it up if necessary, print it out on quality laser printer paper (in color, of course) and make the little fuckers for like $1 each. now, now. i'm not selling out. I think i'll just make that the price until i break even for the price of the materials and the button maker...after that i might bring the price down...but i *really* need the money (did i tell anybody that my dad stopped getting compensation for when he got fired and now my mom doesnt even get the $500-a-month alimony that she used to get?? yea that's right, i'm poor.)...and my time *is* worth something. also i want to start silkscreening shirts, because on campus theres this place that lets you rent supplies. im so excited! yay. anywho its early as fuck and i've got a lot of work to do (read: redo my website's entire look, write a prelab for my lab on monday, and write a postlab for that lab that we never finished because that girl spilled Sodium Hydroxide all over herself and had to take a shower in front of the whole class, etc.). Later.

End of transmission, 9:21

Person of the First Half of the Day: Sachi (well, from yesterday but we hung out till past midnight so it counts)
Song of the First Half of the Day: Candlelight Fantasia by Symphony X (hey, the day's still young).

* * *

So i originally wasn't planning on updating twice today but i just got home and i feel like updating. today i was at the dc by myself and when i was standing in line for food this guy came and stood behind me and started talking to me about the buttons on my bag and he and his roommate and i started talking and they ate dinner with me and we talked for like an hour and a half. it was a lot of fun. Droo was the one that originally started talking to me, (and he did a lot of the talking, too) and Will was his roommate who didn't talk as much. so i just went over to Droo and Will's and then we went over to their friend's (Meghan) place and we had ramen. i hadnt had ramen in sooo long, and Meghan's friend Lauren must be the ramen goddess because it was so good...it actually tasted like real food.

so i was sitting on my ass all day today (well, after i came back from the gym I sat on my ass the rest of the day) i downloaded like 150 fonts just for this website. i'm excited, i got a lot of really good ones, including a font where every character is a different logo, or a different skull, etc. fun! i saw one of all gnomes but i didnt have a need for it. god bless free font downloads! yum!

End of transmission, 26:17.

Distinguishing Mark of the Day: A Black Eye
People of the Second Half of the Day: Droo and Will
Song of the Second Half of the Day: "Renegade" by Styx
Boyfriend of the Day: Jakub

* * *

Ok so i sincerely didnt plan on updating again but "Renegade" just came on winamp and i thought i would mention.

End of transmission, 26:20.

* * *


Sunday, February 2 2003

Today was ok. I woke up at 11:30ish, went to the dc by myself and ended up running into Meghan and Lauren (from yesterday, remember?) so i ate with them and then i went back to the room. i did 2 1/2 chem lab reports and then i took a *shower* and headed over to larry and eric's around 5. there we watched a bunch of tv, including the osbournes, a show about plastic surgery, emiril live, and then when the lasagne that larry's mom made was ready, jackass came on and it was the most perfect combination.... then we watched southpark and i went back home, around 8:30. we finally (meaning amy and i) finally brought our food home from the boys' fridge, and amy met Droo and Will. now i'm talking to jakub and peter over aim. both super boys. except that peter says that i'm old. :(

End of transmission, 21:59.

Song of the Day: "Pink Cigarette" by Mr. Bungle
Unfortunate Incident of the Day: Burning My Tongue On Ramen

* * *


Monday, February 3 2003

I fucking love Zora. I knew from the start that she would make it this far. i love her. she's awesome. she seems so honest and sincere and... scared. i like her. for those of you who are like "wtf??" i'm talking about Joe Millionaire. i also hated like every other goddamn girl on that godforesaken show. including sarah. and melissa. and mojo. and all of those conceited, money-grubbing whores. yea, so melissa got booted so now it's between zora and sarah (miss "gulpy-slurpy"). but onto other things...

I'm tired, actually. Yesterday i went to bed at like 10:30 and i felt really good afterward. now, now. don't think i'm some kind of ninny. i had to wake up at 7 today. actually, i didnt *have* to wake up at 7 because my lecture was cancelled, but i didnt know that. but i woke up at 7 regardless. and tomorrow i wake up at 7:30. so off to bed i go. farewell.

End of transmission, 24:19.

Person of the Day: Zora
Personal Slogal of the Day: "I Hate Chem Lab"
Song of the Day: "Nightfall" By Blind Guardian

* * *


Tuesday, February 4 2003

Well today was like (as in, similar to) the longest school day in history. well, not really. *last* tuesday i was in class pretty much from 9am until 9:30 pm. that sucked ass. today i was in class from 9-7. but it was daaamn cold outside and my thighs hurt like nobodys business from my workout yesterday. so now i'm exhausted.

So we (Amy and I) were talking to Dina today in the DC about living together next year, but I dont think that's going to happen because she already has 4 roommates lined up...i dont want to have no place to live. and i really want to live with dina and amie and ty. well, i dont know ty that well but she seems really rad. Eric might ask his roommates how they would feel about Amy and I moving in there next year (because Larry is moving out), but i'm like 104% sure that they'll say 'no' before he finishes asking. why, you ask? because they act like they hate our guts and we havent even been our most obnoxious yet. maybe they just act like that normally? The crappy thing about having to live with Eric, Jay, Kasey, and Grant is that we're going to have 4 people to one bathroom....ouch. well, not ouch, maybe just ow.

Ok so today Amy told our mom that she got her nose pierced... don't ask me why because i swear to anything that is holy that i have no idea what would convince her that it was a good idea...even remotely close to anything that could be in some twisted way construed as a good idea... well needless to say my mom freaked out and got upset. sort of like when she found i pierced my cartilage, but worse. so i think everybody can imagine why i don't tell her about every stupid little piece of body mod i do, right?

Oh yea, Kevin is coming up this friday to give me my new glasses and i'm worried about that a little bit. don't get me wrong, kevin is awesome, but he also sorta has an allegience to my mom. maybe i'll tell her that jakub is coming up this weekend, so he can give them to me instead? i still havent told her about jakub but only because she tends to think everything i do is a bad idea, and then if i'm upset about something or my grades drop, she'll blame it on him or remind me about how she told me it was a bad idea and how i should have listened. well, shit. i'm not up for that.

My eye still hella hurts from when i got hit last friday. it's a pretty embarassed black eye as far as discoloration goes, but *boy* does this thing hurt like a bitch. i accidentally rub my nose or touch my eyebrow and then pain just shoots though it. :/

So tomorrow Amy, Dina, and I (and i'm pretty sure Dina's boyfriend too, i think his name is dan?) are goign to get tested for Tay-Sachs. Supposedly its pretty commong among jews. like, 1/30 people have it. wow. that's so damn common. and knowing menachem's dirty genes, he probably has it and then so do we. fucker.

Well it's 8:50pm...should i go to sleep or dye my hair tonight? Amy is about to go do laundry, so maybe ill join her in the laundry room and dye my hair? Probably.

End of transmission, 20:50.

Song of the Day: "Killer Queen" by Queen
Person of the Day: Janette
Cool Find of the Day: Doorknob Hang-ey Thing That Says "Sex God Inside"
Unfortunate Incident of the Day: Finding Out I Got A "D" On My Art History Midterm (oi vey)

* * *


Saturday, February 8 2003

I've been having like a.... introverted reflective self-critical withdrawal. it's sorta weird....i can't really say why but i've been really insecure these last 2 days and i realize that i'm not really happy with the way things are right now. i'm happy with jakub and everything like that, but i guess i'm the most unhappy with myself. i've strayed from my values a bit, and i feel like people don't see me for who i am. i know that people won't truly see my personality for what it is, but i feel like this version of me that they see isn't the one i want. also, and i feel really....stupid and *shallow* for saying this...but i'm pretty unhappy with the way i look. every time i try to figure out what it is i want to look like, i think back to when i was like 13. that was my prime i guess. i was thin, and firm, and cute and i didn't have acne and my hair was perfect and i was...cute. so i thought of all the things i hate about my body and all the physical things about myself that are making me insecure and they all came down to my weight. i figured out what if i was thin and firm, i would feel less insecure about all the other things. so i'm going to actually lose weight now, and excercise. well i've been starting to excercise with eric and i've been feeling better, but i'm going to do it on a regular basis and even during the summer and breaks because it just makes me feel healthier, like a well-oiled machine. theres no reason i shouldnt be able to run a mile, either. i'm just unhealthy right now, and i feel it in every way. mentally, too. i was getting thinner/healthier this summer and i *felt good*. in every way. i had so much self confidence too. i want it to be like that again, but all the time. When i was going through this realization, i tried to figure out who i wanted to be like, as a model for myself, and i realized that i wanted to be like Jessica Kelley, my old piano teacher. not only because she's married to this hot guy named Dennis, either. She's sweet, and genuine and is healthy and drinks alfalfa shakes and runs every day and is really thin and attractive.

* * *

Ok now it's hella hours later. I've had the most interesting day...it started when evan had to go to Starbucks to sell his drums to some guy and then we went to that supermarket that's closing in hopes to buy cool shit for cheap. We got the *coolest* shit. **coolest**. i got a steel coffee table for $10, a pack of like 100 chinese takeout boxes, a big wire basket, and...get this: a set of 10 metal lockers....like PE locker room lockers. SO RAD! i have to post pictures. this thing is so cool. they were selling everything, like an inflatable coca cola couch (it was an advertisement i guess) and all the shelves and refrigerators and the meat packers....everything. i also bought a roll of stickers that say "neck bones". haha! yay.

After the supermarket we moved all of our new shit into our room, then went to the Joann's Fabrics in Woodland so we could buy fuzzy cool fabric to cover the steel coffee table with. well we bought black fake leather and this fuzzy blue and black giraffe print fabric to cover the table with and then i bought fabric to make a dress. the girl that was helping me was really cool. Her name was Christina. i told her i wanted to make a gothy-type dress that isn't too gothy and then she told me that she's sorta into goth and we got to talking and she likes *nightwish*! i was surprised. taken aback. nobodys heard of nightwish. she's cool for that. she sold me fabric for hella cheap too. she was cool. i think i'll go back there just to talk to her.

After several hours we left Joann's and went to go eat at the DC but it was closed! it had just closed like 8 minutes prior, and Amy and Evan just walked in anyway and some chick that worked there saw them and didn't give a shit, so i went in too....they each took pizza and fro-yo (frozen yogurt) but i felt bad and i didnt eat anything. mostly because i felt bad about it, and also because i want to lose weight. all they had left to eat at the dc was pizza. and fro-yo. i didn't want either. so i came back to the room when they were done and i had veggies. theyre good! i dont want anybody to feel that i'm depriving myself just to get thin. i'm really not. i eat veggies all the time. i'm practically vegetarian except that i'm not entirely against eating meat. it's sad and everything but it's hella good, and damnit, i'm anemic. i need the iron. i might be vegetarian eventually though....its healthier, lower in fat, *and* it doesn't hurt little animals. im almost vegetarian already, i might as well, right? (i was practically vegan for a long time too, because of kelly).

I guess that pretty much sums up my day. Amy and Evan are going out tonight, but i'm pretty tired. i might crash, or just watch a movie by myself or something.

End of transmission, 20:08

Person of the Day: Christina from Joann's Fabrics
Newfound Object of the Day: the Metal Lockers, duh!
Song of the Day: "Know Why The Nightingale Sings" by Nightwish

* * *


Sunday, February 9 2003

What a day. I woke up at 8:30 this morning and just fucked around quietly until Amy and Evan woke up and then we went to the dining commons and had breakfast. then Evan left for Sunnvale and I got dressed and went to the Craft Center and sewed for 5 hours and i got frustrated and left, came back and had dinner with Amy and her friend Mojo Jojo (Matt). I talked to Jakub on the phone a couple times today, in increments of about 10 minutes. I've been talking to my mom over AIM today and she's been irritating the crap out of me. I have included in today's entry a portion of the conversation held between my mom and myself. I have changed the screen names but left everything else the same:

 

mom: oy....you know from time to time the smoke alarm goes off for a moment and shrieks once......this is scary
sharon: maybe the batteries are dying
mom: oh.....is that what happens?
sharon: i dont know
sharon: im guessing
mom: oh ok
mom: how did you spend the weekend?
sharon: sleeping, mostly
sharon: i dont know why ive been so tired
sharon: ive been going to bed every night at like 9
mom: are you ill?
sharon: and you know thats unlike me
sharon: i dont know...maybe
sharon: im sooo tired all the time
sharon: but thats my only symptom
mom: is it possible you have mono?
sharon: i dont know...i have been unusually tired
sharon: and its hard to pedal my bike too, but i cant tell if its because im tired or if its because its windy
mom: go see a doctor!!!!!!!! for you going to bed at 9 PM is hugely abnormal and strange
sharon: haha
mom: how do you compare your energy to Amy's,providing you are going to bed at about the same time?
sharon: much more tired?
mom: I urge you to see a doctor as soon as possible!
sharon: and my arm really hurts
sharon: and i dont remember hitting it on anything 
mom: and ask for a full blood panel
sharon: ...um...
mom: do you have headaches? temperature?
sharon: i had a headache today 
sharon: but i dont think it was an abnormal headache
mom: have you been taking any medication that may cause you to feel sllepy/drowsy?
sharon: no, nothing at all
sharon: im even tired in the begining of the day
sharon: i sleep like 11-12 hours, and im tired when i wake up
sharon: im just tired for the whole day
mom: I am very concerned ,Sharonie. Will you talk to the doctor ASAP?
sharon: ok...
mom: remember to ask foe a full blood panel
mom: and let me know what the doctor has said.
sharon: ok...
mom: Do you have a good medical care up there?
sharon: yea i guess its ok
mom: is the doctor listening and paying attention or blowing you off?
sharon: i dont know i get a different doctor every time
mom: oh really? that's not good
mom: is that how it is there?
sharon: i dont nkow
sharon: know*
mom: will you go tomorrow,sweetie?
sharon: i wont have time till at least wednesday
sharon: and i have to make an appointment
mom: oy oy......can you at least make an appointment tomorrow?
sharon: ill see how im feeling tomorrow. i seriously don't think its mono
mom: so if it is not mono it may be something else....anemia?
sharon: i dont doubt that
sharon: but i did have spinach today
sharon: even though it was really gross
mom: the iron in spinach is hardly absorbed by the body anyway.....
sharon: ok...
mom: besides you may be anemic and not as a result of low iron
sharon: ...?
sharon: you think i have a different type?
mom: please,please,please! do not neglect it and see a doctor ASAP
sharon: ok
mom: is Amy there?
mom: how is she doing?
sharon: no she just left
sharon: shes doing ok
mom: Sweetie, please take care of yourself!
mom: are you capable of going to your classes?
sharon: yes mom
mom: is the 'yes" an answer to both questions?
sharon: sure 
mom: Amy also told me she has some medical problems....what is going on with you?
sharon: nothing at all
sharon: im super
mom: well,being sooooo tired is not super...although you ARE super in any other way
sharon: im fine
mom: I do hope so but let the doctor check it out
sharon: anything you want mom
mom: hey,you! dont be cynical
sharon: ok
mom: Your momma does not stop thinking of you, loving you and....yes, worrying about you
sharon: i know
mom: good.....:-)
mom: how are the new glasses?
sharon: im not sure if theyre the perfect prescription
sharon: that could be why im so tired?
mom: no,of course not
mom: why do you doubt the prescription?
sharon: i dont know, its taking too long to get used to
mom: if in about a week you still think the glasses are not a good fit, let me know
mom: you just got them yesterday.....(Friday does not count because you went back to bed.Right?)
sharon: something like that
mom: Well let's see in a few days...
mom: What time did you go to sleep last night?
sharon: 9:30
mom: and what time did you get up today?
sharon: like 8:30
mom: that's a bit too much.....
sharon: its 11 hours
mom: what do you think made you so tired last night?

...and then she changed the subject. So how many times did she tell me to see a doctor? I lost count after 6. Onto other things.

There are no other things....I'm so boring. and bored. and tired. ::sighs:: it's only 8:43pm. I think i'll go take a shower? Yea, that sounds good....shower...

End of transmission, 20:44

Person of the Day: The Chef at the Dining Commons
Foodstuff of the Day: DIY Waffles
Feeling of the Day: Being Tired

* * *


Friday, February 14 2003

Valentine's Day. I almost forgot. Not because I hate valentine's day, but because I never really cared before. I've always been alone and I've also always been sick. Like, really sick....i've been sick every single Valentine's Day since at *least* 6th grade....that was the first year that I know for sure I was sick, because i got to stay home while the rest of my class had to dissect cow hearts. The rest of my V-Days were all blurs, except for last year when i went camping with Samir and Jonathan and the Wilderness Club and i got the flu and i had a mad fever and we had to hike what felt like a million and a half miles and i was so cold that the boys and I zipped 2 sleeping bags together and all slept in one big sleeping bag together. when i got home i ate nothing but the jello that Samir had bought for me for like 4 days and slept like 20 hours a day. i think i was the most sick last year. i'm sick this year too, but not anywhere as sick as amy. she has the flu, and a fever and she's weird and delerious and everything. its sorta rad.

This morning we were awoken by a fire alarm at 7:30....it was loud, blaring, flashing lights, the whole thing. we had to stand out on the lawn in our pjs, and i had to pee like crazy because i was holding it in from last night, and of course i couldnt go in my own building so i went to the building across the parking lot and peed in their ghetto-ass stall-doorless excuse for a bathroom. oh well. nobody was there anyway.

Tonight Christank and I have a date ^_^ . We're going to go to dinner or something. it should be special. Jakub has to work today, which i admit sucks ass, but he's still a good boyfriend.

So I'm getting on a train at 12:30 today and I'm going *home*. but i guess it's a little obvious that i'm going home because i was just talking about taking Christine out on a date, but yea. Ok so I'm going home and I'm going to have to study most of the time because of my mongoloid midterm on tuesday. Fucking midterm. Fucking sucks is what. I have to get at least a B, too.

Ummmm what else to tell. Oh yea, I went to stupid starbucks again today about that stupid job. So i actually caught Stillman (the store manager) and we actually talked and he said that Greg (the other manager) is going to call me on my cell phone early next week for a second interview (yay, even though i don't believe him!). I've been trying to get this stupid fucking job since OCTOBER. Fuck! What the hell! I haven't been working for about 4 months because I keep feeling "really close"...but every week they send me back the next week...for 4 FUCKING MONTHS! if i dont get an answer, and i mean a "youre hired" or a "go fuck yourself" next week, i'm fucking gonna go freaking mad. This is insane.

Oh yea Amy and I looked at Don's apartment complex and so far the landlady says that we're at the top of the list because we've shown more interest than anybody else. i think that also means we get first pick at apartments. yay! we also saw Marie Levey (Alicia Levey's sister) on the list, meaning she wants to live at the same complex next year or this summer or whatever. That could be weird, but sorta cool too. I like the complex because it's familiar, its REALLY freaking close to campus and to starbucks and all that, it's close to all my friends apartments except for Larry because he's moving to Fountain Circle this month or next. Oh well, he drives and he should be around anyway because he's always at Don's. I'm going to miss Larry though, if he isnt around much. We've been hanging out less recently, and i don't like that.

Well my cab is coming in like an hour and i still have shit to do.

End of transmission, 10:52

Song of the Day: "Village on the Sand" by Blackmore's Night
Asshole of the Day: The Asshole at University Cab Co.
Person of the Day: Christank
Irritation Incident of the Day: 7:30am Fire Alarm

* * *


Thursday, February 20 2002

I haven't written in a while because i was a) at home (and thus busy) and b) really fucking sick. We'll go in order and see how that goes, ok? Ok so I went home this weekend and when i was on the train i sat with these 3 girls i'd never met before at one of those boothy tabley seats and we talked the entire time and it was nice. they were nice. when the train got to santa clara, i was walking downstairs when i saw kenny bloom, and he asked me how i was getting home so i told him i was calling around try to find a ride (because my mom had an eye appointment and i knew she'd take forever to come get me....so i called mariana but she was at the mall with mikaela so i called samir and he and jonathan came to pick me up, and so we drove kenny and his friend to kenny's house and then samir drove me home and my mom talked to him forever and melanie and her boyfriend were at the park forever waiting to get picked up because my mom talks a lot when she likes you. anywho, after samir left i took a shower to get ready for my hot date with christine....my house is getting shittier every single time i go home...the knob in the shower broke and fell off so now you can only take showers, but that wasn't too big of an issue. so i got dressed and wore this short black dress with black nylons and black mary janes and i looked cute as hell with my black purse and black coat....ok so i wear a lot of black. well, not always. but i like black. anywho, i went to go pick up christine and it was funny because she was dressed in all black too ^_^. heehee. so we went to dinner at this vegetarian chinese restaurant and we ate a *lot*.

after dinner we were driving in the general home/away from the restaurant direction and we passed Kimm's Flower Basket (the flower shop that jakub was working at for valentine's day) so we went inside even though he'd gotten off work like an hour and a half before that, but he was gone. so we went to melanie's house and hung out with her and her boyfriend and samir and jonathan and we had a blast and then melanie farted on her little sister, Noelle, and then Noelle started crying so we went to Donut Wheel and then much fun was had there, and samir hurt my boobs....he tends to do that. heh. after donut wheel i dropped christine off at home and then i went to bed. that was friday.

on saturday i hung out with jakub and his friends pretty much all day, then got really sick and went to bed early. on sunday i lounged pretty much all day and studied a bit for my art history midterm, then on monday i hung out with samir and jonabitch and we had breakfast at Coco's and then we went to starbucks and ran into Allison Traina and her ex-boyfriend, hottie Chris Seguin, (and the whole time we were there evan was throwing shit at us and he shook a dirty rag in my face and it was hella gross) and then when we went outside with evan on his break, we saw Seiji (jakub's good friend) and his girlfriend and Ralph and when samir, jonabitch, and evan and i were sittin on the sidewalk by the gas station, poor jakub came on his bike because his car ran out of gas. so we hung out for a while, then all of us hung out with Seiji and that group, and then mariana and mikaela came and sat next to us and then one of the Als came and it was a bunch of us...and then i had to go because i told my mom i'd be home but like 1:30... so i said good-bye to jakub, went home, had lunch with the fam, then got dropped off at the amtrak station and left.

The rest of the week was a big blur because i was knocked the fuck out with the flu something hard, i just remember taking the art history midterm on tuesday, doing well i think, had a fever here and there, slept pretty much all day, and finally here we are, thursday. i went to class today, which was ok, especially because i was done by noon. i ate *so much* junk food. i had a bag of peanut m&m's during my art history class, then after lunch i had some fro-yo (frozen yogurt), then amy wanted to go to the Junction (the convenience store attached to the dining commons) so i went with her and i ended up buying a thing of chocolate covered caramels and a thing of junior mints and i finished the junior mints and most of the caramels, had a lot more crap, i dont quite remember what....ack. it was horrible. then i missed dinner at the DC so i had to go to late-night (read: only fried junk food, like pizza, fries, burgers, etc.)...so i had pizza, a chicken patty, some pickles, a gross chicken thing....and some ketchup. and that weird stare-y guy was there (he's ALWAYS there!!) and of course, stared. and he talked to me again today, and he tried to talk to amy for the first time too. he cornered her at the drink station thing.

i feel like crap because i've only eaten crap today...

Oh i went over to the boys' place today and we tried to watch that Led Zeppelin dvd that i borrowed from jakub but we couldn't convince ourselves that we had attention spans, so we watched "Get Shorty" instead and much fun was had. then i hung out with larry for a bit, because i haven't done that in a while, then went home.

I'm running out of things to say. i'm *hellllllllla* tired. and thirsty. i lost my water bottle so i might as well die of thirst. this thing aint never getting fixed.

End of transmission, 22:56.

Junk Food of the Day: Take Your Pick
Song of the Day: Hell If I Know
Mood of the Day: Bored, Lethargic? I Don't Know

* * *


Monday, February 24 2003

I'm in a pretty pissy mood right now...i was at the DC with Amy, Eric, Will, and Droo and Eric and i started discussing the Middle East Conflict. That was a stupid idea for several reasons: 1)It's a very sensitive subject, and not only to me 2)I'm not that well informed, and I definitely shouldn't be getting in arguments that I'm near ignorant about 3)Now theres this tension between Eric and I and its horrible!! I apologized for being stupid, getting upset, and basically starting the whole conversation, but there was still a lot of tension...I'm sorry if I'm pro-Israel. Ariel Sharon does stupid shit, Arafat does stupid shit, but you can't blame me for rooting for Israel. I'm sorry. Actually, this argument started over this kid that was wearing a "Free Palestine" shirt, and I was upset that he wears it (it's just some white kid) because I get the impression that they're anti-Israel and I have a lot of hope/pride in Israel...I just hate this war crap. I wish Ariel Sharon would just give the Gaza Strip and the West Bank back to whoever deserves them, and that whoever is attacking us would stop and that there could be peace in the Middle East and all of this crap could stop.

I worked out today. I went with Amy and Eric to the gym and I kicked my own ass pretty decently. I jogged half a mile, got tired and walked a quarter of a mile, then sprinted the last quarter, and walked another quarter. I was still pretty exhausted from my 3/4/whatever-mile stroll yesterday (hey, my legs are sore, ok??). After that warm-up i continued to lift weights, do crunches, etc. I hurt, and I'm sore. I ate a really healthy dinner, too. I had a steamed veggie medley of corn, carrots, and all kinds of other little pieces, then i had steamed zucchini, steamed squash, some cucumber slices, a little bit of rice with mushrooms, and some beans. For dessert I had a banana, and that's it. I'm on my lifestyle again, and I'm planning on sticking to it, no matter how much I stray. I bought all of this healthy food yesterday (while Eric and I speed-shopped because we were borrowing Grant's car)...i bought whole wheat bread (but we buy whole wheat every time), Kashi Crunch! cereal, lettuce, yogurt, canned corn, tuna, a cucumber, green onion, capers,...oh and nonfat sour cream. yesterday i made a tuna-fish sandwich using this lowfat vegan mayonnaise (no, not veganaise, we found this *new* better stuff called "nayonaise")(and it's only better because it's 3 grams of fat per serving, whereas vegenaise is like 8), ketchup, mustard...an all-around lowfat food. oh yea, i also bought pretzels and bananas and nonfat milk. oh yea, but i dropped the milk (well, it fell off my desk) and it got a hole in the corner and it started leaking everywhere so now we have the milk in these 2 thermos things in the fridge. yum! anyway, I figure if i continue to eat healthy, and continue to excercise like 4-5 times a week, I should start to see results pretty soon.

I wonder how Jakub is doing. I talked to him for a little bit last night, but I had to sign off AIM because i wasn't getting any work done, and it was already like 1am and i hadn't finished my STUPID AS FUCK lab report ("stupid as fuck" because it was twice as long and a million times stupider than any lab report we'd had before). But yea, I miss him.

Speaking of my boys, I think i got Larry sick...well it was either me or Amy or else I don't know who it could have been. He's pretty upset that he's sick...he has angry away messages and the whole deal.

So something stupid happened the other day which won't stop bugging me. There has been this creepy guy on www.GothicPersonals.com that asked me out to lunch and then wouldn't stop e-mailing me, and I had to block him on AIM and then he started writing me angry e-mails and then a few days ago he e-mailed me again and said that he met up with Luna (this goth chick that goes to Davis, and she lives pretty close to me) and that she was "a bitch" (probably just reacting to something he did, he's mean and he's creepy as fuck) and that she "didn't seem to like me very much"...what the hell? did he just say that to make me feel like a bad person? but then I started thinking and Luna *doesn't* seem to like me at all. I mean, I think she did till him that she doesn't like me. I didn't do shit to her. I wasn't annoying or anything either, I wasn't pushy or mean or rude or dumb or anything. She contacted me through www.GothicPersonals.com (I had an ad up, i took it down today), and she said she was glad theres another goth in Davis, and I e-mailed her back saying that I wasn't really goth and asked if she wanted to meet up anyway, and she said yea. Anyway she and her friend that looks like Dan Akroyd came over and I must admit, it was a little boring, but when they left it seemed like we might remain in contact with each other. I ran into her a few times on the way to class or back, at the dining commons 2 or 3 times, etc. and she did seem distant. But i don't see what i did to make her dislike me. Aren't I likeable? I was even honest with her and told her i wasn't goth...maybe that's not it. I got the impression from her in the very beginning that she was fake/arrogant but i really don't know her or know anything about her to make that judgement. I never really saw us becoming friends though.

I went for my second interview at Starbucks yesterday. I was nervous and thus inarticulate (more so than usual), but other than that I think it went ok. If they don't hire me, theyre stupid fucking butt-munching whores. I applied for this job 4 FUCKING MONTHS AGO and I've been coming almost once a week since October 21. I haven't gotten another job because I always felt *so close* to getting this one. I always got the impression that I'd find out at week if I were hired or not. And I would be told "the managers not here, come again next monday" and then i come on monday and one of the employees say "he doesnt work mondays, come friday, before 1" ok, so i rush and i get there before one and an employee tells me "he's on vacation". WELL, FUCK! Just give me a yes or no answer!! Goddamn.

Speaking of fucking annoying, my mom has been trying to renew my FAFSA (Free Application For Student Aid) and the website kept telling her that my account didn't exist. So she kept trying and trying and finally it told her that it "maxxed out" or something so she called the place and they told her that i "didn't exist" or something. Turns out, because my name is spelled wrong on my social security card, I dont really exist. Not on paper, anyway. Ok so my mom called the social security office and got to talk to the head honch guy over there and he said he would take care of it. Ok, so I guess he talked to the kindly people of FAFSA and they got the "OK" that I'm a real person and really who my mom says i am, but now there's a new problem. I have no proof of citizenship...because of that stupid MISPELLED NAME! Oh my fucking christ. This is stupid. So my mom is going to have a heart attack or a stroke and that would suck balls. And not only because I would have to recognize menachem not only as a person, but as my dad.

I've been sad lately because I've been sorta antisocial and now I have no friends. Well, I have a few friends, but not that many. I was so afraid of being pushy or making friends with somebody and regretting it later that I haven't been meeting anybody at all. I guess I just don't feel like I am what friends are made of.

This entry has been long as hell. I might add more later tonight, I might not. I doubt anybody even read this far.

End of transmission, 21:08.

Mood of the Day: Impatient, Pissy, Angry, & Frustrated
Song of the Day: (SIC) by Slipknot
Outlook of the Day: Bad

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Friday, February 28 2003

Allow me to bitch:

What the fuck. I fucking hate Starbucks. I applied for the job on October 21, 2002. I continued to check up on my application almost every week for more than 4 months, i've had 2 interviews, and the second manager told me that i would get a call from them by today. well, i waited until 3 because what the hell i'm impatient (and i thought it would be best to get it out of the way before i continued with friday festivities) and then i called them. I talked to the second manager and he said that he "ok"'d hiring me to the store manager, so now it's up to the store manager. The only problem is, that the store manager ("Stillman") can't tell my if i'm hired until March 10, because theyre starting a new training program, and they want to make sure that i get trained via the *new* training program, and not the old one. So i have to wait until MARCH FUCKING 10TH before i know if i got the fucking job or not. WHAT THE FUCK!! what a crazy fucking waste of time. i'm pissed. if i dont get this job, Starbucks will feel my wrath. Next.

And today I went to go talk to the landlady of the apartment complex Amy and I are planning on moving to, and she said that i need to copy my social security card (holy fuck, if the whole my-name-being-mispelled thing causes a problem, the social security office will feel my wrath too), and get this: proof of income. FUCK! what income?! i have no income, my mom barely makes enough to eat, menachem got fired like 8 or 9 months ago so he doesnt get unemployment anymore, and so i don't think he has to pay alimony anymore, meaning that i make about....zilch, give or take. Maybe i'll become a pimp. Or a drug dealer. Or i'll steal cars and sell them for parts. What the fuck am i supposed to do?? How am i going to come up with proof of income?? I have to prove that I make at least $1400 a month!! Who makes that?! I know my mom doesnt. Next.

I studied like crazy for my chem midterm and i totally fucked it up. I hate that class and i wish i never signed up for it. Fuck Bohr and Graham and Avagadro (actually, Avagadro is cool, we're cool) and fuck everybody that is in any way remotely related to chemistry, chemicals, labratories, text books, lab safety goggles, glassware... fuck chemistry. i hate it. i hate going to class too, but i do it. i hate having no money and too much class and too much work and no time to make money and NO FUCKING JOB and i dont know how i'm going to make ends meet. my mom is basically paying for everything, but i try to help out. and when she's out of money? then what? i don't want to drop out of school, but i'm afraid that i'll have to because FAFSA and CalGrant are a bunch of bitches and won't let me see a dime because MY NAME IS MISPELLED ON MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, and because my house is worth too much?? WTF! So what is my mom supposed to do, sell the house? And then what?? ...this is fucky. I don't want to work at a fast food restaurant or a convenience store or a walmart. but i don't see where all the money for college is going to come from. I don't think i'm going to be forced to drop out to work full time (after all, i am going to work almost full time this summer, whether at starbucks or in-n-out), but this fear just wont leave my mind. Next.

I dig Jakub, but we never talk. I don't mean never, it's not like he ignores me or vise verse, but we only talk like once every 2 or 3 days, through AIM, for like half an hour, max. And i feel like he's not interested. And he lives so far. He's so great, but it's hard because i dont talk to him much. Next.

I did really baldy on my Hebrew test today. Like, i hella fucked it up. I ran out of time too. that sucked ass. I want to know hebrew, but i've been sorta slacking lately. I was so used to just *knowing* everything until now, that i never studied. i never even realized that i didnt know the stuff that we got tested on today until i started guessing at the answers. And i didnt turn in one of the assignments that were due today, because i wasted so much time studying for the chem midterm that i probably failed, or little above. Next.

I got a C on the Art History midterm that i thought i did really well on. Don't get me wrong, a C is better than what i got on the last midterm, but that doesn't say much. School is hard. And art history is hard. And i don't even know what i want to do when i grow up. I feel lost, and bored, and scared that i'm not going to do well, or that i'll hate what i end up doing. Life sucks too much to have to hate your job too. Yea, life does suck. I have been doing so much better lately than when i was in high school, and junior high, and before that, but i still feel...almost numb? Just unfulfilled, or something. I've always been dark, and i know that, but I don't want to feel detached and lonely and sad. And theres nothing to make me sad!! (Well, besides the aforementioned)... Next.

I hate living in the dorms. I hate how loud everybody is (my neighbor was dribbling a basketball up and down the hall, against the walls, and in his room for what felt like half an hour, while i was trying to study for my chem midterm of doom, and people *always* run down the hall screaming like they're getting raped, usually after quiet hours and without fail while im trying to sleep), i hate how we always have ants (i found ants in my cereal and ate it anyway. i'm so sick of caring.), I hate how little room we have, how i can only shower, pee, or brush my teeth at certain times (ok, its true, theres only like a half hour window even day when i cant, but it feels like i always hit it), i hate having to eat cold food or microwave everything (nuked eggs taste like rubber, and my pasta is always too hard, etc.),...i could go on for much longer. I hate the dorms.

Wow that was a hefty rant, wasn't it? I'm glad I got all of that off my chest. I read MaTT's livejournal today and i got sad reading it...i feel bad for everything that's been happening to him, and any pain i may have caused him. He's special. Flourescent, even. He doesn't deserve that shit.

Amy and i are getting an apartment for next September, and so far we have several people wanting to room with us (wow, what a surprise, i had to beg Aimie and Dina to move in with us) and now we have eric, jay, scott (cofounder of www.DavisCoeds.com), don, and possibly ray wanting to move into the other room in the apartment. Scott asked first, Eric really needs it, and frankly, i think he earned it, and it breaks my heart to not be able to help don. He's such a good person and has to put up with so much shit, and it drives me crazy. i just want to make things better for him. i usually can't, so when i *can*, i feel bad for not doing it...like letting him move in. it's within my power, but scott, eric, and jay asked first. So don is at the end of the line right now. Fuck. Oh, and the apartment is going to be unfurnished, so basically we better get really creative with our furniture. Eric thinks he can help us score free matresses, my mom says that Kevin has an extra futon he might want to give us, Davis is flooded with deserted couches over summer vacation from people moving/graduating/etc., and we can probably score a free couch and table or lamp or something,...yea. it's going to be reaaaaal fun decorating the apartment.

Ok so it's 7:59pm and no Friday Festivities have started yet. WTF.

End of transmission, 19:59.

Topic of the Day: Bitching
Friend of the Day: Don
Inatimate Object of the Day: MacGyver (sp?)
Emotion of the Day: Stress

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I thought this deserved a mention:

 

oOoRabieBabieoOo:  i think i'm going to start a language based on common typos
seamusmcliam: hahah, that's awesome!
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  like "you" would be "tou"
oOoRabieBabieoOo: you know?
seamusmcliam: totally]
oOoRabieBabieoOo: what else would there be....
seamusmcliam: I always do that
seamusmcliam: ]
oOoRabieBabieoOo: haha me too
seamusmcliam: oh I jave one
oOoRabieBabieoOo: HAHA
oOoRabieBabieoOo: how would that be pronounced
seamusmcliam: I think the same , like javier
seamusmcliam: the j is pronoucedlike an h
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  so like "have" with an "eh" at the end?
oOoRabieBabieoOo: hah yea
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  i think itll end up sounding more like italian or spanish than anything else
oOoRabieBabieoOo: oh!! i just thought of a great idea
seamusmcliam: what?
oOoRabieBabieoOo: we'll get drunk, and use our drunken typos for science!!
seamusmcliam: sweet, we'll have a test case and a control case. . .wait fuck that let's just have test cases
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  yea
oOoRabieBabieoOo: just test cases
seamusmcliam: oh and the language should have no spaces i.e. seamusmcliam: the j is pronoucedlike an h
oOoRabieBabieoOo: ??
seamusmcliam: although it would be hard to read
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  well, we would teach it to the elite
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  and eventually it would be an accepted language, taught in high schools and colleges
seamusmcliam: maybe we could group werds together two at a time
seamusmcliam: ebonics has nothing on us
oOoRabieBabieoOo:  HAHA
oOoRabieBabieoOo: fuck ebonics

End of transmission, 21:03.

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