My Forever Baby
During my pregnancy everything was going wonderfully...I only gained 28 pounds (16 of which was lost as soon as he was born!), my blood pressure was good, Sean was growing at a good rate...I had what was considered to be "a normal, text-book pregnancy." Things honestly couldn't get any better for me during those 9 months.
I knew his habits...when he slept, when he played, and boy could he kick! I even joked and called him my "little aerobics instructor." We grew to know each other well, and had plenty of time to do it...I found out I was pregnant at 2 weeks along. But then, I knew when conception happened, the test only needed to confirm it for me.
I began having contractions at 11:30 p.m. the night of June 13th...June 13th was the birthdate of a friend I had grown up with who lost his life in a motorcycle accident at the age 16. After his death, I always said I would name my son after him. I was so excited about having "Sean Michael" back in my life again.
On Saturday the 15th late in the evening, my contractions came hard and we got going quickly to the hospital. After an epidural the contractions slowed and I finally had time to rest up some. Through the night, the nurses kept watch on me. My water had to be broken and there was mecomium in the fluid but they flushed it out and Sean's heart rate was so strong there was nothing to worry about.
At about 9:30 a.m. Sunday morning the 16th, that year it happened to be Father's Day, I began to push. His head was crowning, and then falling back. His heart rate was strong, but would flutter at my pushing. The nurses and mid-wife scrambled and called a doctor... apparently only a doctor could perform an episiotomy at that hospital.
When the doctor finally got there, he cut me and practically yanked Sean out of me. Sean was limp, no sound came from him, but he was pink and beautiful. His head of hair was full and curly...I thought he was the baby image of my younger brother. He and I had looked so alike when we were babies too.
It wasn't until I was stitched up and still wasn't able to see or hold him that I really began to panic. I was told "a lot of babies need to be recesitated"...but this was taking way too long. They wheeled me into a separate room to get me out of their working space and feed me, but I couldn't eat. How could I when I knew I wasn't getting the truth about my newborn son's condition?!
As the family gathered into my room, the doctor came in to update us. The first words from him was that they thought his neck was broken during having to yank him out of me...later an MRI would show that was not the case. Also, it was at that time that Shoulder Dystocia was explained to me.
SD is when the babies shoulders are so wide they can't get passed the pelvic bones and slide out of the canal and into the world. he wasn't head first face down, like *normal*, he was turned on his side, making delivery even harder. I was devistated. I am a big girl, how could this happen?? I was torn apart with the knowledge my body was inadequate for delivering my son into this world vaginally. His heart and breathing had stopped from the trauma, no blood could reach his brain, and brain damage was inevitable. How much damage was yet to be found out.
Sean and myself were transferred to another hospital, better equipped to deal with his condition and after days of testing and waiting...and waiting...the specialists came back to us with the news that he was just above brain dead ... he would never lead any kind of "normal" life, and the incident had left him quadriplegic. He probably wouldn't ever be able to live with us, and he'd have machines do his breathing for him for life.
My husband (my ex-husband since 1997) and myself decided to take him off support instead of allowing him to live a life on machines and dependent on others for every thing he would ever need. To us, that was no kind of life at all.
It was an agonizing decision to make and I couldn't believe this living nightmare was happening ... I seriously thought I would lose my mind.
On Thursday, June 19th, our immediate family gathered in a section of the NICU that had been cleared for us, and the nurses removed all life support systems from Sean. I held him in my arms for 45 minutes until his breathing stopped. It was painful to watch and I've never felt so helpless. It was hell to have to watch my baby die like that. It's something I wouldn't even wish on a worst enemy.
Sean passed away at 4:48pm. I held him for another hour or so until I let him go to be autopsied and cremated. The autopsy showed that aside from brain damage due to lack of oxygen, he was perfectly healthy.
To try and make some good come out of our tragic situation, we chose to donate Sean's heart so that another baby born in danger of dying shortly after birth might have a chance to live.
Almost 2 months later a letter came in the mail from a hospital in San Francisco informing us that the valves in Sean's heart had been donated successfully to a newborn who had been born with a heart defect. Of course they couldn't disclose the name of the baby or the family who received his gift, but it's wonderful to know that somewhere my baby's heart is beating in a healthy growing child.
As I go thru life I see Sean in every flower and every star. He's literally everywhere for me. Every breeze has his scent, everything that is beautiful, everything that holds life holds my most precious treasure within it, my son.
I'm so thankful for the light he brought into my life during our short time together. He'll always be my firstborn. He'll always be my baby girl's big brother. And he'll always be the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.
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This page was updated 15Oct07
