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Samohi Spring Reunions: Why You Haven’t Seen Me

by Jeffrey Bell-Zekas, Class of 1972

As spring approaches, I wonder why I have missed every Samohi reunion in the past thirty-three years. So now, I have compiled a list of the top ten reasons you haven’t seen me at these get-togethers. Here they are:

10. I am rich, famous and beautiful. Oh, did I mention that I won a Nobel Peace Prize and an Olympic Gold medal? So, that leaves the rest of you in the embarassing position of pushing homely photos of kids, lying about your low-rent homes, and parading your spouses around in Walmart clothes.

9. I don’t know any of you. I spent my 3 years at Samohi hiding deep within my batcave, solving mysterious crimes, wearing spandex tights and crusading against evil. So, that didn’t leave much time for socializing or partying.

8. I hate Southern California. How about having the reunion in Bali? That way, we could go snorkling between hors d’oeuvres.

7. The cool people rarely come to reunions: too many paparazzi. The last time I saw Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton at a party, they left way too early.

6. I don’t have a good suit to wear, since I gave away all my nice clothes, before I was admitted to the Shao Lin Monastery.

5. I have no idea what people do at reunions. Do we eat? Talk? Or do we all just join hands, sit in a circle, and sing old Led Zeppelin songs?

4. In order to “reunite”, you have to have been “united” in the first place. Other than the football team beating up hippies and nerds, our graduating group didn’t do too many bonding activities together.

3. I hate government employees, religious fanatics, and far-right lunatics. One of my former classmates is sure to be a rabid militiaman, Kabbalah cultist, or a stressed-out postal worker... And you know how THOSE people are!!!

2. It is impolite to discuss faith, sex, or politics. That leaves Carl Jung, William James and the Simpsons. And I haven’t kept up with the Simpsons lately.

1. I never get drunk with strangers. So, let’s sing bawdy songs, stay up late smoking and slam-dancing, and THEN get drunk. If we’re still strangers after that, well, then at least we’ll have some good stories to tell at the NEXT reunion!!!