I'm still gathering my favorite quotes, so be patient...until then, enjoy!
Quotes from: The Conologue, The "Desk Chat", Magazine Articles, Clutch Cargo, Screw Ups, PSA's, Other TV Shows, In The Year 2000, and a bunch of untitled ones.....
From The Conologue
"An imposter has been pretending to be one of the Hanson brothers over the Internet. He has already been propositioned several times by someone pretending not to be Michael Jackson."
"It's been reported that the same chemical that makes disposable diapers work may help put out forest fires. Which is really good news for Florida, because most of its residents already wear diapers."
"John Schneider, the star of the show 'Dukes of Hazard,' testified before the Senate today, urging them to ban the desecration of the American flag. When his testimony was over, the Senate thanked him and asked, `Who the hell are you?'"
"Yesterday in Queens, a priest was arrested on charges of cocaine possession. People got suspicious after his seven-hour sermon entitled 'Why I Am So Cool.'"
"The post office is coming out with a series of stamps commemorating memorable moments from the 1960s. The stamps include the first man on the moon, Vietnam and President Clinton smoking a bong in his dorm room."
"According to a medical journal, a woman in Scotland experienced uncontrollable orgasms that interrupted her driving, conversations and daily routine. Not only that, she's suing the doctor who cured her."
"This morning a 28-year-old woman who was stuck in traffic gave birth to a baby on the Long Island Expressway. Afterwards, the young mother said, `It was very touching. Several other motorists celebrated by beeping their horns and giving us the finger.' "
"Two 18-year-olds who just graduated from high school announced plans to lose their virginity live on the Internet. Coincidentally, the girls' father announced plans to commit murder live on the Internet."
"A man in Florida is suing a stripper, claiming he got whiplash when her 42DDD breasts hit him in the head. He wants either $100,000 or for her to do it again."
"In a recent interview, Greg Norman said that Tiger Woods would be a better golfer if he didn't swing so hard. He also said that President Clinton would be a better president if he didn't swing so hard."
"Yesterday in Connecticut, a former priest performed n exorcism on a ten-year-old boy. After the devil was successfully exorsized from the boy, she returned to co-hosting her show with Regis."
"A New Jersey man was arrested for smuggling 1,800 fake Beanie Babies. The disturbing part is that authorities found the 1,800 Beanie Babies during a cavity search."
"Johnny Cochran recently turned down an offer to be Monica Lewinsky's lawyer. He was quoted as saying that "If she wears a beret, I say nay!"
"Nabisco, the makers of the Oreo cookie, is announcing that they're cutting over three thousand jobs. It is all part of their new quota system where they'll have two black employees for every creamy white employee."
"ODB has announced he's changing his name to Big Baby Jesus. When asked why he said, 'I suddenly realized the name Ol' dirty Bastard was offensive.'"
"For the past two days millions of beepers have been out of service because a satellite broke down. All across the nation this has raised havoc for doctors, especially ones that sell crack."
"According to a recent poll, half of New Yorkers say they would never move out of the city. Mostly because their probation won't allow it."
"Dan Quayle says that he hasn't decided whether or not he'll run for President in the year 2000. He said, 'After all, it's still eight years away.'"
The "Desk Chat"
In Magazine Articles
Clutch Cargo
"Conan, you so white it's got to be right!" -Don King
"She said 'Ixnay on the Owjobblay'" -Vernon Jordan (on Monica Lewinsky)
Whoops!
"Normally I come out here and I got nothin'. I come out here and I bullshit--oops!"
-Conan
"How come as soon as I leave the studio we get to say bullshit?" -Andy
"You're the one who said bullshit!" -President Clinton (Clutch Cargo)
The More You Know
"You're involved with a special person, but you find yourself attracted to someone else. You can't have both right? Wrong! Do one in your limo and the other in your luxurious apartment downtown. It works for me!" -Conan
"You're all grown up, you can't read and you're keeping it a secret. Well good, cause I don't wanna hear about it!" -Max
"You're injured at home and you need emergency medical help fast. How quickly can paramedics get to you? Well there's only one way to find out. Call 911 and report an emergency, then time how long it takes them to respond. When they do arrive, make sure you hide outside, or in a closet, they'll be pretty mad, but at least you'll have gotten what you need, peace of mind." -Conan
"It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there." -Conan
"It's Saturday night? Your friends are all out? You've got a case of the nothing-to-do blues. Well here's an idea; why don't you call the police and tell them your neighbor is shooting people. Within a few minutes you'll have a front row seat to the most exciting show around!" -Andy
"Late night at the office, you wish your wife or your girlfriend were there but she's not. Well just remember, when you're boffing the cleaning lady instead watch out for the security camera, you'll be glad you did." -Max
"Hey sometimes condoms break. Deal with it missy!" -Max
"So, your parents are getting divorced, it's tough, I know, but it's important to understand that it's not your fault. You never cried, you never made demands, you never complained when they asked you to clean up your room. Did you? Cos if you did… my God what have you done?" -Conan
"Just cos all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to. Despite what everyone says, it's OK not to do it. In fact, I didn't have sex until I was 32 years old… Can we not do this one?" -Conan
"The next time you get your kids in the car turn off the radio and tune into them. I think you just might find that your kids are boring as hell. They got nothing to say, I mean they're kids! Then turn that radio back on, pump up the volume and know that you're not missing a damn thing!" -Conan
"The next time you and your wife are about to have a fight stop for a second, take a deep breath, look into each other's eyes. Take her hands in your's - that'll keep her from scratching you while you kick her in the shins." -Andy
"Having trouble in school? All those classes making your head spin? Well maybe you're just not very smart. Why not drop out and try interstate trucking? Because right now you're just embarrassing yourself." -Andy
On Other Shows
"Actually, they're sea lions....the difference is they have ear flaps....[wistfully] I wish I had ear flaps." -Conan on Spin City
"I'm a cynical guy.....self hating, very bitter." -Conan on The Tonight Show
In The Year 2000
"Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis."
"Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'"
"Penguins will begin having senior proms, but will surprisingly still rent tuxes."
"After a combined 134 years in broadcasting Mike Wallace, Morely Safer and Andy Rooney will finally leave 60 Minutes - to join the Rolling Stones."
"Television talk shows will become so hilarious that people stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings."
"The Mir space station will finally crash to earth, but not before completing it's most important experiment, to see how long it takes for a big hunk of Russian made crap to fall out of the sky."
"A desperate, sex-starved Monica Lewinsky will be spotted licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore."
"The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies."
"Jerry Seinfeld will leave television for a career in movies, forcing NBC to change their Thursday night slogan from 'Must See TV' to just another night of crap!"
"Dr. Jack Kevorkian will die and go to heaven. The next day seven angels will be found dead in the back of God's van."
"New evidence of OJ's guilt emerges when records show that on the day before the crime he applied at Los Angeles County Court for a murder license."
"Man will devolve back into apes, while apes will evolve into man. Women will not be affected."
"The planets Jupiter, Mars and Neptune will suddenly stop spinning when they realise they can get just as strong a head rush sniffing glue."
"Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way."
"The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life."
"The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'"
"The Postman Part II will be released. It will be an award-winning documentary about Kevin Costner's current job as a low-paid guy who sorts mail."
"In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets."
"The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice."
"After millions of years of stability the food chain will suddenly reverse. Zebras will hunt down lions, Pop Tarts will hunt down man."
"With every conceivable name being exhausted, all hurricanes will be called That Filthy Wet Son of a Bitch!"
"Bob Dole will resign the presidency after recording his hit single, 'That Bitch One Nasty Ho!'"
"For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death."
"A new state will be added to the American flag, representing the 51st state. That state's name? Rock n Roll! "
"The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action."
"Pornography finally gets accepted into the mainstream when the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to Long Dong Hanks."
"It will take birds a full day to eat and digest their meals when worms begin taking Viagra!"
