Welcome to
Smatr's Patch

Dog Patch Classifieds:

1. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
   "Looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be award!"
   
   
2. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB
   $850/offer
   
   
3. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
   "8 Years old, unpleasant little dog."
   
   
4. AMANA WASHER $100.00."Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
   
   
5. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE."Only used on snowy days."
   
   
6. FREE PUPPIES."part German Shepard - part dog."
   
   
7. COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED."Also 1 gay bull for sale."
   
   
8. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
   
   
9. FREE,"farm kittens, ready to eat."
   
   
10. German Sheperd 85 lbs."Neutered, speaks German, Free."
    
    
11. BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING."We haul America's products.
    
    
12. NICE PARACHUTE."Never opened,used once, slightly stained."
    
    
13. NORDIC TRACK $300."Hardly used, call Chubbie."
    
    
14. GET A LITTLE JOHN."The traveling Urinal, holds 2 bottles of beer!"
    
    
15. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB,"And it's made of 100% Italian leather."
    
    
16. JOINING NUDIST COLONY."Must sell washer and dryer, $300.00
    
    
17. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT,"Queen size mattress & box springs $175.00."
    
    
18. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES."For an affair to remember."
    
    
19. GROUND BEAST."99 cents lb."
    
    
20. GAS CLOUD,"Clears out Taco Bell."
    
    
21. OPEN HOUSE."Body Shapers Toning Salon, free coffee and donuts."
    
    
22. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS."With purchase of 3br 2 bath home."
    
    
23. FOR SALE."Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) $50."
    
    
24. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? "We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
    
    
25. GEORGIA PEACHES."California grown, 89 cents lb."
    
    
26. TICKLE ME ELMO,"Still in box, comes with it's own Mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition, $6800."
    
    
27. HUMMELS."Largest selection ever, if its in stock, we have it!"
    
    More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots:
    
    
28. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man
    at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
    
    
29. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,
    seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
    
    
30. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
    
    
31. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
    
    
32. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
    
    
33. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
    
    
34. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
    
    
35. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
    
    
36. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
    
    
37. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer
    stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Dog Patch Hindsight:

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981.

"Stocks have reached what looks like
a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics,
Yale University, 1929.

"Computers in the future may weigh
no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics,1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"But what ...is it good for?"
Engineer at the Adv.Comp.Syst.Div. of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would
want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of
Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"So we went to Atari and said,
'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts,
and what do you think about funding us?'
And they said,'No.'
" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs
on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested
in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer."

"Drill for oil?
You mean drill into the ground
to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to
enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"We don't like their sound,
and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Dog Patch Websights: