today
today
If you happen to know my last name, you can look it up on www.myspace.com and read more recent stuff.
Just a quick thought: I've been missing the Berkeley crew lately. Unfortunately, the NYC trip and Christmas make it so that there's no way I can fly up there and still make my car payment. So I read the bookfinder journal and pulled up the "life at bookfinder" entries. It made my longing worse. *sigh*
Work seriously sucks right now. I can't think. I can't work. I can't focus. And I can't bullshit.
I'm feeling a little like Grace Adler lately. I really love my boy, but I wonder if we're holding each other back a bit. "This is too much fun! We're having too much fun!" or maybe, like Grace, I am just "dead on the inside".
Peace out home chickens.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Fake Halloween Day at Work
We didn't have choir practice last night so I took my sister out to dinner. It was nice. She's a really good person and I love spending time with her.
I miss Banana. Since she moved to Pasadena I never see her anymore. We hardly ever talk. She's really busy with school and making new friends and I don't want to intrude on all that but I need her. I haven't had a pedicure since we went together! :) And I miss Beanie. I called her a couple times but missed her. She called back, but missed me. We can never seem to coordinate schedules.
It's times like this when I want to hop on a plane to St. Paul and soak in the fellowship there. I need to do something with a group of good Catholics or at least of some Christian denomination. I feel like I'm not myself. The people I spend most of my time with (the choir excluded) are mostly slightly bitter toward the Church. Not that they don't have reason to be- they do- but Catholic is who I am and they don't seem to enjoy that. It's hard. I don't think my friends and relatives realize that teasing me about my faith, about feeling guilty when I've done something wrong, about being confused when I don't want to vote the way the bishops are telling me to-- all that teasing hurts. Because that's who I am. I am the church girl. I am Catholic. It's the primary culture I identify with- more than being chicana, more than being American, more that being a woman. And they know this. If you don't like the basic premise of who I am then you really don't like me.
(Hmmm-- that last sentence sounds like something I told someone else about a different situation.)
Anyway, it seems weird that I can't find anyone who not only understands me, but enjoys me. Even the hard-core Catholics that I love-- I never know how they'd feel about some of my views, beliefs, actions... I think the one and only person in the world who really loves me for me is my cousin, M*. And maybe her mom. But that really feels like it and that's incredibly depressing. A lot of the Berkeley crew would seem to fall into this group as well, except the whole Catholic thing is more of an interesting oddity for them. If it weren't for the intense lack of fellowhship I had there (no LT choir!!) I might say I should move back. At least the non-Catholics repected my faith.
Verge of tears @ work= not good so I'm signing off.
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