Welcome to Matt's Army Humor!
Beyond the Fringe: In addition to paramilitary militias, the justice department has been monitoring the activities of several other types of militias from both the left and right wing of the political spectrum. The following are a few of the more unusual groups who have also organizedaround opposition to perceived fears.
The Parabankers militia: Based in Connecticut, these renegade Republican investment bankers gather on weekends at country clubs and practice rigorous maneuvers involving mock hostile takeovers, buyouts and corporate raids in preparation for the fiscal armeggedon they are convinced is coming because of the restrictive policies of the Federal Reserve. Tad Blainsworth,the leader of the group, is noted for his conspiracy theories involving Alan Greenspan, the BCCI bank, Mother Theresa and the Disney company in manipulation of the dollar. Blainsworth believes that the members of the board of the Federal Reserve dress like Disney characters and secretly meet in the Magic Mountain to plot strategy. He also is convinced that ATM bank machines were primarily designed to photograph and document individuals to assist a stealth security force of the Federal Reserve when they come to confiscate everyone's money.
The Whole World Order militia: With chapters in 24 states, members of the WWO are convinced that fast food franchises are collaborating for a world-wide takeover. They contend that the beverages served at these concessions contain a potent mind control serum that enables them to make customers believe they are receiving a well-balanced, satisfactory meal. However the WWO followers suspect this will expand to convince masses of people that working for minimum wage at a fast food establishment is a rewarding career. By the year 2000, they fear the majority of the world population will working in the fast food industry and serving United Nations soldiers.
The Pew World Order militia: This contingent of liberal agnostics believe that conservative religious activists are organizing a universal planetary faith army which will subjugate the world into their followers. They consider efforts for prayer in school to be an initiative to indoctrinate the youth into this cult. In their propaganda literature, they claim that the Pope is actually an alien from the planet Pluto who has been sent here to control earthlings. They note how he travels in a specially equipped vehicle with a plastic bubble which they suspect is not for security reasons, but to limit his exposure to oxygen which he is still not accustomed to. The computer bulletin board of the PWO contains explicit instructions for appearing as if you are not home when Jehovah's witnesses ring your door bell, deciphering the subliminal messages of television evangelists and searching for listening devices in the Gideon bibles placed in hotel drawers.
The Paraloggers militia: Based in the Northwest, this rebel band of loggers think that endangered species are actually government agents incognito out to destroy their livlihood. They march in rigorous formations branding chainsaws and cutting up mock wooden spotted owls. The paraloggers surmise that the government is trying to restrict access to forests because they are performing secret experiments in formulating a health alliance for the Clinton adminstration. They also accuse 'Woodsy the Owl' from government public service announcements of being an FBI operative.
The Paraparanoid militia: Persuaded that the paranoia sweeping
the country is a plot by the Los Angeles police department to frame the public, the
paraparanoid's credence is 'you have nothing to fear but the LAPD'. The group has
made attorney Johnny Cochran their honorary chairman. The militia has been
stockpiling tapes of the Simpson trial as ammunition in their battle. They
also theorize that former L.A. police chief SGT Daryl Gates is actually an alien from
Pluto who was originally sent here to control the planet, but wasn't able to think clearly
because of too much oxygen.¨
