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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it.
She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and SHE was the girl he wanted, and that he had the money to pay for it.
The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to screw the baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and give her the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch it.
When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, they'll make love, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG.
Q: how does Bill Clinton practice safe sex? A: he doesn't light the cigar
Q: what is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a brick? A: laying a brick never ruined your career.
Q:what does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A:once they're on their backs they"re screwed
Q:What does a blonde and bungee jumping have in common? A:they are both great thrills and once the rubber breaks you're screwed.
A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he called out to his wife. "Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss you." So his wife got up went to his room. As she was walking in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face. "Oh," he said sweetly, "did my little honey-woney hurt her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up, enters her husband's bed and they make passionate love. Afterward, as she is going back to her room, she once again trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex: 1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?" 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?" 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" 7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?" 11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow." 12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!" 16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...." 17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?" 18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wished but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but he made his second wish. "Genie, I want 2 billion dollars." POOF!!! He got 2 billion dollars and his wife 4 billion. By now, the guy really isn't happy. The genie says, "You have one more wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." Then he stops, thinks for a few minutes and says with a grin on his face, "I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
This man goes up to this woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard." She says, "Oh yea? My husband will kick your ass." The guy says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside down, pour beer in your pussy, and guzzle it all down." She says, "That's it. I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass." She turned and left. When she gets home, she goes to her husband and says, "This Dick at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard." The husband gets really pissed off and heads out the door for the bar. She grabs him by the arm and says, "He also said that he was gonna turn me upside down, pour beer in my vagina, and then guzzle it all down." Upon hearing this, her husband turns around and walks back into the house. "What the hell are you doing?" she asks him. He replies, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer."
Yesterday scientists at the TATA institute in Bangalore revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them: gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
What's the definition of "Rodeo Sex"?? ( Mount your wife/girlfriend from behind, grab her ears and tell her this is how her sister likes it...)
What do you call a naked blonde hanging upside down?? ( A brunette with bad breath!)
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
Why do women have 2 holes so close together?? (In case you miss...)
What's the difference between a feminist and a sumo wrestler?? (A sumo wrestler shaves his legs...)
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play ‘Magic’? She says, "What’s that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear.
Why don't women ever drown?? ( Cause the kitchen sink isn't deep enough!)
)"If a man is standing in the middle of the forrest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong??
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? (Because if she cannot afford a washing machine, how will she support you??)
A successful man is one who can make more money than his wife can spend...
How is your wife like a condom?? (They spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick...)
What's worse than a male chauvenist pig?? (A woman who won't do what she's told...)
What are 3 reasons ANAL sex is better than VAGINAL sex?? (Its warmer, tighter, and more degrading to women...)
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?? (He died laughing before he could tell anyone...)
What is the definition of making love?? (What a woman is doing while your fucking her)
How many animals can fit into one pair of pantyhose? ( 10 little piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and a fish that no one can find!)
A man marries a deaf woman. After some mishaps of fumbling arounnd in the dark, he signs to her, "Let's make a code. If I want to have sex, I will squeeze one breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for yes, and 50 times for no..."
How can you tell when your wife is dead?? ( The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up...)
How do you make 5lbs of fat attractive?? (Put a nipple on the end of it...)
Why is it so hard for a woman to take a piss in the morning?? (Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese??)
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?? (A pussy is warm and moist. A cunt is what owns it.)
What's a clitoris?? (A female hood ornament)
How is a woman like a laxative?? (They both iritate the shit out of you...)
Why did "god" give women nipples?? ( To make suckers out of men...)
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?? (Because she was a woman)
What do you call pulling off a woman's pantyhose?? (Foreplay)
How can you tell a macho woman?? ( She rolls her own tampons. )
Why is a woman like a dog turd?? (The older it is, the easier it is to pick up...)
How do you make love to an ugly chick?? (Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her...)
There's a new feminine deoderant out called "SSY". It takes the "PU" out of pussy...
What's a belly button?? (A place to deposit your gum on the way down...)
"Women do not snore, swear, burp, or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up..." -
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?? ( The lipstick! )
When I was in Jr. High, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So,I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional; Everything was an emergency, and she cried all the time, so I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything, so I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl and couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything, so I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?? (About 3 beers...)
"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of putting up with her crap..."
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die..."
What do 1,000 battered women have in common?? (None of them knew when to keep their mouths shut... )
What do women and airplanes have in common?? Both have a cockpit!
Why don't women fart?? (Because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough for pressure to build up...)
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?? (Who the hell cares??)
Why did the woman cross the road?? (What the hell is she doing out of the kitchen??)
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?? (You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck...)
How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down?? (Marry her!)
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?? (Made her chain too long...)
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?? (None: They will just sit in the dark and bitch...)
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?? (When they come they're wild and wet but when they leave they take your house and car with them...)
What's the best thing about a blow-job?? (5-10 minutes of silence...)
Here I sit broken hearted tried to shit and only farted. Then one day I took a chance, I tried to fart and shit my pants.
A gay guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, " sorry, but we don't serve beer to gay guys." The gay guy begs and tells the bartender that he only wants one beer and he will leave as soon as he finishes. The bartender agrees and gives the gay guy a beer. The gay guy is sitting in the corner drinking his beer when a man walks into the bar. The man says "Damn i'm so hot and thirsty that I would lick the sweat off a bulls balls." The gay guy stands on the table and shouts " Moo Moo Buccaroo!"
A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"
"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."
So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. that night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...
About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a litlle boy.
"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.
"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"
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