HOW TO BE RANDOM

Have you ever found yourself in a social gathering where you wanted to add to a conversation but all you could think of was an amusing anecdote or a deep philisophical insight? Or have you ever sat in lecture hall, thinking of what you could do to liven things up, but after 3 hours of thinking and still no ideas, plus no one left in the room to share them with anyway, you walk away with a feeling of stupidity and dejection? Are you tired of strangers coming up to you on the streets and saying, "Hey, you're not random enough."? Then you need to enter the exciting world of RANDOMNESS! With this short how-to guide, you too can be random and get a ton of chicks. SO, without much further ado, I give you:

HOW TO BE RANDOM, BY WILLIAM SAM.

  1. It's all in how you talk. Like sometimes when someone sneezes they expect you to say something like "bless you," or if you're German, "Gezundtite." Instead of these "socially acceptable" responses to the sneeze, why don't you say something like, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was national Sneeze On Your Friend Day!" or say, "You call that a sneeze? THIS is a sneeze!" then kick your friend in the shin, or you could say "Wow, look at that cow dance." These are all acceptable random responses to a sneeze.
  2. Usually when people are talking and someone doesn't understand what the other is saying or wasn't paying attention, they say "What?" or "huh?" Well why not replace what and huh with random words like "Thighmaster" and "meatloaf?" Think of the chaos that will ensue from the randomness!
  3. Sometimes it's funny to throw fruit at things. Random, yet strangely amusing. Especially if the fruit is unusually big and awkward.
  4. Sometimes when I'm at a party (which is almost never cuz I'm rarely invited to any), I like to go up to random groups of people and start talking to them like I was part of their conversation the whole time. Here are some random phrases that will guarantee your acceptance into their little clique:
    • "Hey, I wear glow-in-the-dark underpants too!"
    • "Did you see that sun today? Talk about bright!"
    • "Man what country are YOU from? CANADA??!!" (Which brings up another very good point- anything involving making fun of Canada is funny and random. ANYTHING.)
    • "Yea, I know. Penelope Cruz DOES look like a man."
    • "Yea, IN MY PANTS!"
    • "I will eat anything for a dollar."
    • And finally, "You guys are such a bunch of Canadians."
  5. Here are some excersizes to help you practice randomness:
    • Ask yourself questions like, "who would win in a fight between (blank) and (blank) ?" example: Who would win in a fight between Snuggle the fabric softener bear and the Taco Bell Chihuahua? Don't just come up with a question. Think about it and come to a conclusion. You must also have facts to back you up on your conclusion.
    • Think of some random food hitting an old car. Like when Sean threw a Burger King Big King at my '89 mazda 626. Man I loved that car.
    • Think of a random childhood moment and just relive it over and over. A good example would be jumping off the stairs with your umbrella to see if you would float. A bad example would be walking around the new school with no friends and your lunch stolen.
    • Throw different household items at animals (preferably squirrels and small dogs) and see which is the funniest. (My personal favorite- tuna salad.)
    • Watch lots of infomercials. They are hilarious.
  6. Here are a list of random words and names: huckleberry, Shanaynay, moist, crunchy, Nutter Butter, malt liquor, Oprah, wombat, Nutella, Crisco, moped, trotters, stank, fecal, port-a-potty, jam, toenail, nosehair, crabs, Richard Simmons. Try using one of those words every day randomly.

    Okay, that's all I have for now. Follow my 6 easy steps and you will soon be on your way to being the most random guy in your duplex.

    Remember, randomness is an art. It must be honed and perfected. Practice everyday. People don't just go to sleep and wake up random. It has to come with TIME, SUCKA.