The journal of a great man



Once every couple of millenia, a brilliant man comes around, and shares his tidbits of wisdom to all those smart enough to listen. Yes, I know what you are all thinking, and you are correct... That man is me. And guess what? I have tons of stuff to say about pretty much everything. ENJOY!

-- Here are some pretty good pick-up lines, courtesy of Rita Pita and other lonely hearts (these are guaranteed to win the hearts of any woman/man or your money back, store credit only):
-Baby, you must be a parking ticket cuz you've got FINE written all over you!
-If you were a wall, I'd run into you anytime.
-Do I look like a tennis ball? Cuz i think you're hitting on me.
-Ask person to see the tag on their shirt, and say, "Just as I thought- Made in Heaven."
-Are you Chinese food? Cuz I'd take you out any day.
-You must be Jamba Juice cuz you're smooth and refreshing.

-- Thought: One of these days I will learn how to play my harmonica. For the time being, I shall rely on my trusty jug for my ho-downs.

-- There are some people in this world who just need to get their act together and realize that Berkeley or "Cal" as you psychos call it isn't as great as it's cracked up to be. These people usually go by the name of PAUL ZIMMERMAN. HA!

-- OKAY, FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP MAKING FUN OF MY ABNORMALLY LARGE HEAD. I ALREADY HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER (SAD) FROM ALL THE TAUNTS. EVERYONE'S LAUGING AT ME!! I need some paxil. PLEASE! Just leave me and my gigantic head alone, so we can live in peace, away from you tiny-headed FREAKS! or tinyheads, as we like to call you. here's you: ooh, I can fit into a HAT! i'm special! i'm normal! WELL BIG DEAL!

-- Lemme tell you all a little something about the East Coast. It's not all peaches and cream. the people are rude, the girls don't shave their legs and they all speak with outlandish accents. Whoever came up with that sorry excuse of a shoreline should be beaten. They make our great country look like a heathen-filled cesspool. I wish all those New England states would just realize that they are inferior to the rest of us and secede from the union. They'll be like a second Canada, just without the French people, ay.

-- Lemme tell you all a little something about a man with a vision. this man believed in a little television studio in a certain community college in cupertino, and believed that a show with four other guys focused on random acts of stupidity would be a huge success.

Now lemme tell you about a fleshy, comb-overed, monotone-voiced, pink, plastic shell of a producer named Rob who crushed that vision under pasty white thighs. Well that's pretty much it, actually.

That man in the beginning was me, if you haven't figured it out yet.

-- Asian moment of the day: Today at church they were handing out free bags of oyster mushrooms, and the sign said "One bag per family." My mom took 5.

No, I don't know why they were handing out bags of mushrooms.