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Hindi Section

TechnicalZone ;=|)

Programmers Section

DevSeries

Techies

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MSF#18


Fun Stuff :~))

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Newspaper Ads

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers. Most are ads, but some appear to be headlines:

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

 

AMANA WASHER $100.

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

 

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS

WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

NOTICE:TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE

LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:

PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE

RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

 

 

 How May We Direct Your Call

"Hello and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 966969696969696969696

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 if you have short-term memory loss, press 9, if you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

 Characteristics of an Engineer

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?

A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

 

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?

A: When he realizes, he doesn't have the charisma, to be an undertaker.

 

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

 

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?

A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

 

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

 

You might be an engineer if...

...choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

...you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

...in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

...the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

...at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

...you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

...you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

...you see a good design and still have to change it.

...you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

...you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

...you window shop at Radio Shack.

...your laptop computer costs more than your car.

...your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

...you've tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

 

 

 The English Language

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?

Is cheese the plural of choose?

One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!!

 

 

Clinton

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater."

 

Mother-in-law

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

 


 Thought of the Week:

"Education is a private matter between the person and the world of knowledge and experience, and has little to do with school or college." - Lillian Smith


 

~~~ And he was only 15! ~~~

 

This classic is purported to be an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU, in response to the following question:

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF NYU TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I

enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week-ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

...(The author was accepted to, and attended NYU)

 

 


Technical Zone

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Futura: Next Topic Hacking

NEW In this Series the First Article that we are covering is:

DevSeries File Compression

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Table Of Contents

What Compression is? (MSF#12)
Code Table Optimizations (MSF#13)

Huffman Encoding (MSF#14)
LZW (MSF#15/16 + #17)
RLE (Current Issue)
Arithmetic

Six of Seven…

 V) RLE (Run Length Encoding)

A) Compression/Decompression

Perhaps on of the simpler algorithms. This algorithm is based on the idea of converting wasteful strings like 'aaaaaaaaabbbbbbbcccc' into 2 pieces of data, the character, and the number of times it is repeated. In pseudo-code this would end up as 9a7b4c. Since not all data will be compressible we need to also allow for uncompressed data, so we will say that any bytes(in the output data) with their upper 2 bits set are manager bytes. Manager bytes simply identify that their is a RLE chain and in their lower 6-bits, their specify how many times to repeat the symbol. The symbol following the manager byte is always the symbol to repeat. But the problem comes in when you read a byte from the input stream and it already has the 2 upper bits set.. Simply stick a manager byte in with its repeat value to 1, and then write this problem-some byte in after it. For example:

Input data (HEX):

08h,08h,3Ah,3Ah,3Ah,3Ah,0D4h,0D4,0D4h,0F7h..

Compressed Data:

08h,08h,0C4h,3Ah,0C3h,0D4h,0C1h,0F7h..

(Note that the manager bytes are in bold)

In this example you'll notice that the last byte in the input chain had its upper 2 bits set, and in the output we handled by simple repeating it once, so that it would not be confused with a manager byte.

This algorithm does not get great compression results especially if a lot of the data has bytes higher than 0BFh,one possible fix would be to just require that the high-order bit be set to 1(or 0 depending on your data), and leave 7-bits for the repeater value. This is by far not the best algorithm for all around data, but it has its place.. And I might mention it would be useful as a pre-compression preparation for another algorithm.

B) Example Code

8-bit RLE Compression
16-bit RLE Compression


VI) Arithmetic Encoding

(To be continued…)

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NEW Programmers' Section

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If u're EXPERT! in VB (though Non Experts also may TRY it out), try to send me the

How to achieve Record Locking using RDO in VB?

(P.S.: I want a working Program)

The best Solution will get published in this Weekly with a special Thanks Note. Please send your personal details (U Know what relevant to send) with this Code. Mail ur Code to msfca@hotmail.com with Subject as "Participation Code" (Exactly, without the quotes, silly)

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Techies

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(For Generally whole of the Public! Especially the VB FANS ;-)))

Techies -


What is MSF all about?

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Hello friends,

It seems that some "New" Friends don't know about MSF !

"Ye MSF nahi jaanta...!" as said in One of the Indian (Hindi) Advt.

So Lets break the impasse...

MSF is a Free Weekly Mail containing the Jokes, "Interesting Thingees" as it is called. Its basically an Abbreviation of "Most Selected Forwards". B'coz nowadays all the Internet-ians (i suppose that's what we're called !) forward the mails b'coz its so time consuming to write personal mails to friends (so as to keep in contact and above all to indicate they they're still live and kicking). I think all of u will agree with me in that (though one of my closest friend don't agree to it, but i know that exceptions are always there, and she is an exception, that's why she is 'so' close!).

With the 11th MSF we started with a new Section For the Techies, by the Techies, containing the Technical Information of one of the most popular languages of our times (!?!) Visual Basic (Those who differ in opinion may be considered an exception and as said above, Exceptions are always ...). Though this Techies Section will not only be VB infested b'coz it depends upon the contributors to this Weekly what good to send...

So Keep forwarding mails so as to include in one of the Editions of MSF...

To become a registered contributor to MSF please send an EMPTY MAIL with Subject as "Contributor" without Quotes. The benefits of becoming the Registered Contributor will be evident in the due course of time !!! Rules, as everywhere, do strictly apply !

To become a regular subscriber to each MSF send an Empty mail with Subject as "Subscribe" without Quotes

Mail to: msfca@hotmail.com

Thanks

Bye for now,

Vikas Gupta

Email: vikasjee@hotmail.com

Web: http://go.to/CyberAssociates

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Disclaimer

Due to the Nature of Contents and the intent of this FREE Weekly the Articles or for that matter, any thing appearing in this Weekly the Administrator or the Author or for that matter, anybody cannot be held liable by anybody for any contentious or non-contentious issues


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