It is a New Year and I wanted to note this moment. I have a huge bar of chocolate sitting in front of me. It's a 1/2 pound bar of Lindt Milk Chocolate. It's my very favorite. BUT I am not going to eat it. It's not worth it anymore. Matter of fact, I am going to save it until January 1, 1999. I will not put up with my binging any longer. NO MORE. Happy New Year Everyone. To every person that struggles with food, good luck and I hope you have a wonderful 1998.
The weight keeps going up and up and up. I'm gonna be by myself on New Years Eve. No place to go. How depressing. Need to get back in control. Binge Eating Disorder is kicking my BUTT! I am obsessed with food. I hate it. I need to make a New Years Resolution. So here it is.....
Ok, this one is not my fault. My computer died. It took me this long to get back up. I had only like ten minutes where it was working in these past few days. Anyways, I'm doing ok. Doing better with depression but still eating bad. Xmas holidays I ate everything in sight. I have no plans for New Years Eve. That is kinda sad. But I did buy a elliptical crosstrainer ($339-great deal) and I LOVE IT. It's actually fun and I've been doing it every single day for at least 45 minutes. I don't even count it as exercise. I've still decided that I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to deal with all the pressure and my inability to say "NO". It would be too weird to be skinny. So why the heck am I doing all this anyways. I have no clue. I NEED to lose weight now. My knee and my shoulder are screaming for help. The pressure on my joints is way too much. I'm only 25 and I feel sooo old. I am not suppose to feel like this. So, I have to lose weight for my health. No other reason anymore. Not for anyone else, not for emotional reasons...for my health!! By the way, If you emailed me recently..please do so again! I've lost all my email for the last week. Just vanished :c(
Ok, where the heck have I been. I have no excuse right now. No reason for my disappearance. I saw my psychologist today. As always, very emotional. He wanted to know why I am fat? I think we covered this before but he expected me to go over it again. The crazy thing is I had an answer. I WANT to stay fat. Life is predictible. I don't have to try at anything when I'm fat because no one expects anything. But the most important thing is rejection. No one rejects me because I don't let anyone close enough to reject me. Growing up, I had nothing but rejection. My father didn't give a damn about me. I'm not joking either. But this is the real screwed up part, he LOVED my sister. And Yes my sister and I are by the same father (we look alot alike). When my mom and dad divorced, my father fought for custody for my sister but not me. Talk about a blow to the heart. I tried sooo hard to get my dad to love me. But it didn't work. No one knows why he dislikes me so much. I did nothing to him to make him feel this way except be born. Well, when I finally settled on getting my father out of my life, I find a new dad. When I was in high school, my sister was dating this guy-Tom. Tom had a WONDERFUL father. For some reason, Don (Tom's father) took me under his wing and treated me like his daughter. He was so sweet and loving and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found a "second" dad. Well, it didn't last long because Don died. It crushed me. I felt rejected once again. I'm not gonna continue journalizing every crushing rejection I've received because I don't know how theraputic that is. I just know that I need this weight as a barrier/cushion so that I won't be rejected again. It hurts too much when all you want is someone to love you and all you get is pain instead. Why am I writing all this out? I don't know. I think knowing why I am fat and why I continue being fat is a great step towards changing it.
I finished Finals! Freedom for awhile. Yeah. But on a sad note..Chris Farley is dead. I really liked him. And his obesity probably contributed to it. I have a sore throat and my knee has been hurting. I NEED to lose this weight. But I'm not gonna lose anything the way I've been eating. I need to go to sleep I was up studying all last night so I'm sleepless and it's Midnight..time for bed.
Things are looking better. I had an extremely rough week last week but I had an OK weekend. So as long as they are improving. That is cool! I have a 15 page paper due on Tuesday and I need to start writing it. so, I gotta go. Bye
My kitty is dying so I haven't felt like posting lately. I'm sorry to all of my journal readers. I've been doing terrible emotionally and eating wise. I am going to try Zoloft so we will see. I promise to get back to journaling again.
I had a horrible day but I think it was a life altering day. In sacramento, it is raining like crazy and one consequence of these rains is accidents. Well you guessed it, I was involved in an accident. I was on the freeway when the car next to me (I was in the left "fast" lane) started to slide out of control. Her car started to slide towards mine and I had to drive right off the road and ALMOST hit the median pavement strip. I came so close that I had leaves stuck in the cracks of my car from the bushes along the pavement. Well the car next to me wasn't as lucky, the lady hit the median head on. AND the car behind me that was forced to slam on their brakes spun out of control and hit the median too. So, here we were, three car accident and I was the only one that didn't hit anything but I was extremely shaken. I called the police right away (thank god for cell phones). It seemed like time stood still but an ambulance came eventually along with cop cars, tow truck and even a fire truck. I don't remember much except all these people coming to check on me and me repeatedly saying "i'm fine". I knew I couldn't just drive off because I witnessed the accident plus I was so shaken. Then I saw something that will probably change my life. I watched as then fireman tried to get the driver of the car in front of me out. She had hit the median pretty hard and was injured (I'm not sure to what extent). But this lady was huge. She was probably 340 pounds or more. They could not get her out and I could see more and more men struggle with the ladies mass. At that point, I envisioned myself injured in MY car and fireman trying hopelessly to get me out of the car and because of my heavy weight, they are unable to and I die. My life just passes by me because of my weight! Well, they did get her out and on the stretcher. I eventually was allowed to leave after filling out the accident reports. I cannot imagine being a literal victim of my weight. Tommorow, I am going to check on how this lady is doing. What sadness. Is this my wake up call? I would hope so. Food is not worth it anymore. My goal is not to be skinny or beautiful but to be "liftable".
Yup,if you have noticed, I am GAINING weight. Maybe I should change the entire format of my webpage to myweightgain instead of weight loss. I'd probably lose weight then. Ok, enough of this bull shit. Sorry, can't help but swear. I'm just whacky right now. I'm stuck and I just want to cut this fat off. I hate going to sleep at night because I envision myself skinny but when I get up in the morning, I remember how fat I am. Then I always get the comment throughout the day "Dang, you have a beautiful face" or something along those lines. Maybe I should just let my face walk around. Ok, enough, enough enough, enough! I'm tired of all this pity. MICHELLE WAKE UP! YOUR WORTH IT! All these people email me telling me how smart and pretty I am and how they can see that I am somebody. I have to tell you, it amazes me that anyone could see anything in me besides my fat. It just amazes me. I already said that. You know, I don't think this passage is going to make any sense. And if anyone is reading this, they are going to think I've outright lost it. Dont fear, I'm just venting. It's good for the soul!
Goal for tommorow- NO CHOCOLATE! Ok, now that I got that out of the way, today was an ok day. Nothing special except I need to study majorily so I have to cut it short. Oh yeah, I went to the store today for a big huge thing of chocolate ice cream and ended up with chips. Now for most people, they wouldn't see this as an accomplishment but for me, it's great. Trust me!
This might get long so watch out. I was thinking today about the people who read this journal. I know there are a couple people out there that due. I wonder if I am expressing myself in a way that makes any sense to anyone else except me. I know whats going on in my head but does it make any sense to anyone else? And does anyone really care? Life seems so odd at times. I wake up everyday and carry 283 pounds of me around. Everything seems to be dictated not by who I am but how much I weigh. I look at my struggles and my hopes and dreams and wonder if I am just stuck. I have been overweight 95% of my life and even for the 5% of my life when I was skinny, I still "acted" overweight. If you have never been "obese", you can't even imagine what life is like. No matter how hard you try, you never ever get the respect that you may deserve. Anyways, I have no idea what this journal entry is about. Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe I am not thinking enough. Maybe I need someone out there to give me the answer? I just know that I am not a slave of my weight but I act like it.
Ok, I am using the happy face because I don't have an "in-between" face. Life is ok. I'm still eating like every meal is the last meal on earth but I've come to terms that it's my medicine and I will soon be off of these meds and on another medicine. Do you know that I actually did not weigh myself all week except today and I was dead-on. I knew exactly how much I gained without even getting on the scale. I can do this losing weight too. I can tell whether I've lost any weight during the day. Call me weird but it's true. Anyways, now that everyone thinks I'm weight psychic, why don't I do something about this damn weight. Well, I am, I will, if it's the last thing I do. I say this while a Lindt Milk Chocolate candy bar is sitting on my desk. Oh well, I will lose this weight. Tommorow, I go see the psychiatrist for different medicines and then HOPEFULLY, i can start losing weight again.
Today was an ok day. It looks a bit better. I keep binging but I think things are getting better because I think I know why I am binging. It's the anti-depressent. I'm gonna change the meds soon. I'm gonna keep taking them until I can change it. Believe it or not, I would rather binge on everything then be as depressed as I was before. So what did I eat today? Breakfast- Bowl of Raisan Bran with sugar on it. A plate of stuffing. Lunch- Nothing Dinner- Wendy's cheeseburger, fries, diet coke, piece of marble cake, a bag of candy whoopers. Nice binge day huh. Actually this is not bad compared to some of my days.
Where have I been? Nowhere. I have no clue why I seem to be avoiding this thing lately but let me tell you, I have been binging like there is no tommorow. And if i keep this up, there will be no tommorow because I'll be sooo fat, I'll die of a heart attack. I've been seriously considering having the gastric bypass surgery. I at one time had the vertical stapled gastroplasty and then had it revearsed later on due to complications but I know that the bypass is sooo much more successful. That is how desperate I am again. I sit around all day (besides work and school) and think about where my next bite of food will come from. I am eating more then I have ever eaten before. I have no idea why and how to stop it. I am not only angry at myself, I wonder if there will ever be an end to my madness.
I'm suppose to be writing in this every evening, recording the food I'm eating and telling how I have been feeling. But of course, I haven't been doing any of this. I mean my therapist didn't ask for alot. Just to record every thing I eat. I can eat whatever I want, I just need to record it. I am pissed at myself that I can't manage this simple task. Anyways, I think about the time when I was in high school and I starved myself for months. I got all skinny and exercised obsessively. I wonder why I can't find a middle ground. I either binge like crazy, eating thousands of calories in minutes flat or I don't eat for months, living on peanut butter and ice milk. What the hell is up with this? I would love to be normal. UGGGG!
Today I went to see my psychiatrist and psychologist. I needed to get help for the depression. Well it worked. While I am still battling the depression, at least I have a plan of action. This is what I need to do! I need to journal everyday. I need to write down everything I ate and I need to weigh myself. I don't have to eat specific foods and if I want to binge, I can. The reasoning behind this is to just get a "handle" on my eating disorder. I need to see what I'm eating and think about it. I need to be responsible for my thoughts, actions and consequences. I need to write down EVERYTHING I eat and I can not make any excuses. This is gonna be hard because when I'm binging, the last thing I want to do is write it out. But my doc says this will make me view my binges rather then just "live" them. I hope this works. He also came up with this wonderful list, actually, I came up with the list. What it is, is all the reasons I want to stay fat. Thats right. I want to stay fat. The reasons are 1) It's easier to escape from people and rejection, 2) I can always use my weight as an excuse 3) since I already know I am a social reject because of my weight, I know how to live as a fat person, no one expects anything out of me and therefore, I won't disappoint anyone 4)I don't have to take responsibility for my problems nor do I have to blame others for certain problems, I can blame it on my weight. There is actually more but I forgot most of them. The key is that these thoughts are so irrational and that If I remind myself it's harder to be fat then skinny, hopefully, I'll get that in my thick skull!
How do you know when your in a depression? Well, let me give ya an example. Today, I woke up at 9am, went to the bathroom and then promptly went back to bed. I then woke up again at 11am and literally stared at the computer screen while it did absolutely nothing. I managed to get dressed and then somehow managed to find myself back in bed again. I slept from 3pm until 5pm. I then realized I was in a serious depression so I went grocery shopping. The goal was to interact with people, get fresh air and breathe! Well it worked. Oh, and I also called my psychiatrist. Obviously, the Paxil is NOT working. This was a very very bad depressional episode. I called in sick from work and I don't even remember doing it. Around 630pm, I called my work again and I told them I was sorry for not calling and they said I did. Great, not only am I going through these episodes but my work thinks I'm a nutcase. Oh yeah, when I went grocery shopping, the oddest thing. I bought all healthy foods. I absolutely craved fruit, vegetables,etc. It was way odd. Anyways, I have to write a paper that is due tomorrow and it's 10:30 pm...uggg!
