life isn't really that interesting any more. When i was in highschool, the petty drama seemed so important. It consumed me, as did all of the drama and writing i did. not quite so prolific now that i'm an adult- not quite so angry about being alive. i think that's really what it was... i had no control over my life and so i was angry that i even had it, and a lot of poems and stories came from that. but i enjoy my life now. I have a boyfriend who I love deeply, a job that depresses me but for the most part is simple and makes enough money to pay my rent (BARELY) and I'm fairly satisfied with myself. Who knows what accounts for all the changes... my mother says it's maturity. I don't think I agree.... but wha'eva jonez. it's november, and november is simultaneously my most and least favorite month of the year-- that's another story, though. i'm going to try and put some new, more recent poems on the site if i can get around to it. anyway, just thought i'd update the page. now that i can get back in, maybe i will ramble more often. it's kind of therapeutic, ya know? even if i am boring. i'll get better, back into the habit, back into the swing.
one year for christmas or his birthday i got my father this brass glasses holder lined with red velvet that stood on his nightstand until he had laser surgery to correct his vision. that's my number one wish for any genie- perfect sight. i would even settle for almost perfect....
i'm always wishing i had something insightful or funny or meaningful to say, but it's just me chugging away in my pluggy little island and my tepid job and my constant state of life. when i was eighteen not only did i think i had it all figured out, but i was pretty sure that the "it" was not gonna change-- since i figured the it was that no one knows the truth, we all just have our beliefs and interactions with the world that alter us daily whether we see the alterations or not. what i realize now is that the world is a violent, futile place, and we all exist in it to belong and domino our way to death..... but that's okay.
i think you've got to get out of this country to really appreciate it- whether you shun the consumer disposable lifestyle or embrace it- but it's harder now than the last time expatriates roamed france because America is everywhere, which is why it's so intrusive and why it's hated. my friend told me not to be afraid of airplanes or take the television to heart... because i sent him these poems i had written.
i'm not afriad of the airplanes, i'm afriad of the reactions they cause- the insane behaivors that our histories have lead us to time and time agin, our indvidual beliefs that coerce others and act aas the cohesive of our daily life... i'm afraid that i'll m\never find the way- but at least i can take comfort-- "if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."
george harrison really was my favorite beatle-- as obsessed with god as i am... but not with standard conceptions of god-- "traditional" explanations of god strike me as missing something.....
if you've read this far at least I'm entertaining. I just read a book- a few months agon, actually- by Dilbert creator Scott Adams. It's called God's Debris. And he issues a challenge in the introduction..... I think if you've read my drivel, you should go check out his little story... If nothing else, it'll make you think more than i do.....
how times have changed...i'm typing this using my boyfriends Dreamcast-the keyboard is so slow it's taken me an hour to write this and i've truly got to go to my parents home and start apaper for psychology1a--on panic disorders and agoraphobia...i wonder ifmy old net friend ever checks in here...i'msorryforth fibs..but glad for the confidences.adios...
drove down your street yesterday
i thought maybe you'd pop out
from between the rhodedendrums
then realized no
rhodedendrums grew
i couldn't remember your house
and i don't really want you anyway
like you said,this is all a game
you fit the criteria
and you make me fly
into dizziness and you say
things i think
sometimes
but i imagine i would only run away from any island you held out
might swim away
don't know why i feel your electric pulse
even three blocks away
my very skin disturbed.
august 3rd. 2000- i'm moving back to california with my boyfriend, but we're moving into our respective parents houses. it's going to suck like a vaccuum cleaner on a dirty floor. my housemates are both moving and since we're not on the lease, guess that means it's time to bounce, right? things happen in a crazy order sometimes, blessings in disguise come shrouded in disappointment. i've finally found a job i know i'll be good at and that i enjoy, and i'm leaving after two weeks of work. how irresponsible and yucky. and now i'm going to have to look all over again, to find all of the things that i thought i had. and i need to get my ass in school. i know i reiterate that all the time, but my brain is starving and my writing is suffering. hell, i haven't written anything i truly appreciated in quite awhile. it's the worst feelig in the world, knowing what you have produced and not being able to match it again.
did you ever wonder if things that change always change in some mysterious, crazy order? do you ever wonder if life moves because of you or because of somebody else? lately i've been contemplating god... not religion, because i don't think any one else should tell me how to interpret the things i see in the world. that movie american beauty has a good idea about things... there is so much in this world that sometimes you just can't breathe. and that's all good, but people have stopped respecting the wonder that created it and only care about perserving old dogma and "rules", for lack of a better word. i don't want to get too introspective, cause i'm on a friends computer and i'm sure she'd like it if i exited her room sometime soon. i wish i could move tomorrow, so i owuldn't deal with all of this. but i guess life is what it's about.... dealing, i mean.
so i talked to my boss's boss and she says she knows these things too and she knows that my department is hurting because of this personell problem. in the meantime, every one who has a complaint about my boss comes to me and asks me to fix it. since i agree with them, i find it hard to actually go to my boss, who shunned my last two suggestions/ideas. so, what happens?
manager gets word that people are talking, and identifies me as the culprit. i admit, i'm a guilty party, but i'm mostly regurgitating the opinion of the masses. and all of the masses are saying thank you. and certain things need to change.
in the meantime, i don't know if my boss knows her boss isn't too pleased with her performance. i know that they're planning some sort of crazy coup (or maybe i am.... but i try not to do that sort of thing) but i'm not of the opinion she's to be ousted, i just think she needs someone cleaning up the details.
aside from the whole crazy politics of business, i like my job. so it's frustrating to me that i take it home with me and i don't have to. it's such an easy job. even the job that my boss does isn't that hard, i've done the same sort of job myself. maybe i'm just power hungry, maybe i'm vindictave against blonds. (they don't have very good records with me, though.... and keep in mind, i'm a natural blond... maybe that's the key of my blondism...) Maybe me and my boss just aren't a good match.
the problem is: i know i could do just as well, if not better.
adios muchachos, don't forget to write, happy trailers to you.