In Spring 2002 I took a class, THEA 157, on Playwriting. The professor was Jim Beirman. He was a racist idiot to put it simply. Anyway, I never had anything performed in class for fear of his stoopid comments but I thought that some of my stuff was pretty OK so here we go...

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Spring 2002, Some of my scenes written for Theater 157 (Playwriting)

This was for an assignment where we had to write a scene with absolutely no intelligent dialogue. I was very happy with the results...

    (A newsroom. Jay sits stage left and upstage a bit from Jordan behind a long, rounded desk. Francis, the weather reporter, stands by the green screens on the other side of Jordan. Behind the long desk is a fake backdrop of a large, anonymous city. As the lights come up, cue music comes on. Jay shuffles a small stack of papers then turns to Jordan.)

    JAY
    Ok, I -

    JORDAN
    (interrupts) Ok, I get the cauliflower seeds and the daisy seedlings.

    JAY
    Yeah.... (turns back to face the audience. Holds paper in front of self as if to read from it) Now. Momís favorite flowers are sunflowers and Mitchís favorite snack is pickled BLACK pudding. So I figured weíd plant a nice pickled BLACK pudding tree. (turns to Francis) My, what a large power tool! Why are you looking at me like Iím electrified?

    FRANCIS
    Disco Daniel found the transparent pudding under the bacon!

    (Jay and Jordan exchange inscrutable looks then burst into forced laughter)

    JORDAN
    (to the audience) You donít get toxic, tall sunflowers from roasted, salted sunflower seeds. And you certainly canít incinerate a pickled BLACK pudding tree.

    JAY
    (to Jordan) When they make a statue of me they will put me on top of a pedestal made of spikes. People will control the scream. They will die instead. Lemon curry? (turns to Francis)

    FRANCIS
    (pointing to the green screen and speaking to the audience) The only time baby legs sandwiches are not so cancerous is when you drop them in the sand. Today is a good day to eat a computer.

    JAY
    (to Francis) At least my parents are distressed.

    JORDAN
    (rolls eyes) Yeah, curdled with groovicity.

    JAY
    (shouts) They are the bulging nihilism! They have a summer home in Margaret Thatcherís esophagus right next door to an Anglican Dark Overlord and two Roman Catholic priests.

    FRANCIS
    (laughs sarcastically) The vigilantes have two sayings about Peter Murphy. One is that while he may have spent the 80s outside the country, he always spends Wednesdays in Margaret Thatcherís esophagus.

    (There is a brief pause. Jay arranges papers but Jordan picks up a paper and begins to speak to the audience. The two co-anchors are trying to interrupt each other and gain the upper hand.)

    JORDAN
    Sex, drugs and rockíníroll have one thing in common.

    JAY
    Green fairy?

    JORDAN
    This is a pretty holy coincidence.

    JAY
    But potatoes have always known this. Their furry spike enabled them to see this four years in advance.

    JORDAN
    Now that this is known to the kitten at large, slightly surprised parents can finally feel deathly about their decision to alliterate their children.

    JAY
    How bowel-looseningly terrible you look in that black sock!

    (Jay storms off stage. Jordan moves into Jayís seat.)

    JORDAN
    More news at thirteen.

    END SCENE

This was my final scene written as it was supposed to show some 'universal truth' of human nature. I chose to explore this: "Consumerism makes monsters of people."

    (CLERK sits behind counter, reading a magazine. CUSTOMER 1 approaches counter, looks around in a very animated manner as though waiting for the CLERK to notice.)

    CUSTOMER 1
    Excuse me. Yes, excuse me, but can you tell me when Harry Potter comes out on video?

    CLERK
    (looking up from magazine and pointing) It says right up there: the 28th.

    CUSTOMER 1
    Oh. Well do you think you can sell any copies earlier?

    CLERK
    No, it goes on sale on the 28th, we donít sell it before then.

    CUSTOMER 1
    Come on, thereís some copies you could sell right? Come on!

    CLERK
    No.

    CUSTOMER 1
    What you think youíre so much better just because you can say ĎNoí? I should go behind that counter and give you a real piece of my mind. Give me the damn video!

    CLERK
    No. You can wait til the 28th like everyone else.

    CUSTOMER 1
    Well fine but Iíll be here at midnight on the 27th to get it then. Itís not like youíre stopping me from getting it as soon as possible, asshole.

    (turns and leaves. Clerk rolls eyes and mutters)

    CLERK
    Well last time I checked we close at 10pm and donít open again til 10am so you can be here at midnight and wait for ten hours. Stupid.

    (Clerk resumes reading the magazine. Customer 2 approaches the counter.)

    CUSTOMER 2
    Hi there, hi. I see that Harry Potter comes out on the 28th. I was wondering if itís possible to just reserve a copy that I can pick up later? You know, so I donít have to battle through crowds but still know that I will get a copy?

    CLERK
    Well I canít reserve you a copy but why donít you just come back a couple days after itís released and get a copy then?

    CUSTOMER 2
    Yes but what if itís all sold out?

    CLERK
    I really doubt that it will be sold out any time soon.

    CUSTOMER 2
    But it could be. Canít I please just reserve a copy? Come on, I can give you some extra money. You know, I bet you donít make a lot here. Donít tell me youíd refuse a few extra dollars for your trouble?

    (Customer 2 discreetly shows Clerk some dollar bills. Clerk shakes head and rolls eyes.)

    CLERK
    I told you I canít take reservations. Once itís released we just put the copies out on the floor and you can come buy one then.

    CUSTOMER 2
    (brusquely) Ok. Fine. Thank you.

    (Customer 2 walks away and Customer 3, who has been waiting, approaches the counter)

    CLERK
    Yes?

    CUSTOMER 3
    Yeah hi, hi, how are you? Yeah, I was wondering if you all have that one movie, you know the new one with that kid and the wizard stuff? I mean it seems so popular and all that I figure they have it everywhere.

    CLERK
    (pointing) You mean that one? Harry Potter?

    CUSTOMER 3
    Oh yeah, thatís it. Really popular stuff I guess. Thought Iíd get it for my kids.

    CLERK
    Itís not out til the 28th.

    CUSTOMER 3
    Oh yeah, oh OK, I see. Thanks. Looks like a really good movie, huh? I mean, itís one of those that everyone goes to see, you know? Like that one with the boat and all. I got that one too.

    CLERK
    (nods, looking down at magazine then back at the customer) Great, yeah, Titanic.

    CUSTOMER 3
    Wow, you know a lot about movies. Must be why you work here, huh? Hahahha! Anyway, so I guess Iíll see you on the... when was it?

    CLERK
    (distracted) What? the 28th?

    CUSTOMER 3
    (walking away) Yeah, the 28th. Totally. Thanks! See you!

    CLERK
    Sure thing. No problem.

    (Clerk rolls eyes, looks back at magazine as Customer 3 walks away for five steps then stops, slowly turns back and walks back to the counter)

    CUSTOMER 3
    Hi again, sorry, yeah I was wondering if you could recommend something for me to get this time, you know?

    (Clerk slowly looks up from magazine and sighs loudly)

    END SCENE


This page last updated July 26th, 2002

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