- Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
- All generalizations are false.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
- Born free...Taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- No radio - Already stolen.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
- Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- I souport publik edekashun.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?<>p - Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Keep honking...I'm reloading.
- Caution: I drive like you do