Jokes all the way from Poland! Not Really.

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Jokes all the way from Poland! Not Really.

Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.

A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!... The Polish guy shot her.

Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out. "That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!" Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath. Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!" To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done eating the jelly donuts."

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Polak said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they *want*?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very queekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee sweeming suit?"

Email: tdkelley@mcn.org