If you are easily offended by offensive jokes, then why the hell did you click on this???!!
If you are easily offended by offensive jokes, then why the hell did you click on this???!!
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the boy looks up
and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's
go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat
over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and
the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are
making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get
away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I agreed to the blow
job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can't wait to tell his wife the good
news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you're not
going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it's so great."
"When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck."
He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, "We're going to do the same thing for our sex life!"
"When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out."
"Let's give a test run. Ok, ready?"
"Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband
confused says, "Bell #4, What's that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! You're not reaching the fire!!!"
A throughly-tanned man was admiring himself in his full-length mirror when suddenly he realized
that the only part of his body that wasn't tanned was his penis. He decided that he should do
something about it, so later that day he went to the beach and buried himself in the sand, with
only his penis exposed.
Two elderly ladies came shuffling along the beach and noticed the protruding penis. One of the
ladies poked it with her cane, and said to the other, "You know, there's no justice in this world."
The other lady said, "What's that supposed to mean?", to which the first lady replied,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild...
And I'm too old to squat!"
These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their
honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how
much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they
would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other
know how they had got on the previous evening.
Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with
their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he
replied: "I'll have TWO slices of toast please!" The other two knew what he meant and they
subtly smiled to themselves.
When the second was asked, he replied: "I'll have THREE slices of toast please!"
The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: "I'll have
FOUR slices of white...... and THREE slices of brown"
This guy gets these chronic migraine headaches. One day he sees a doctor about his problem.
The doctor gives him a thorough examination and says, "I can cure your headaches, but I'll have
to cut your balls off to do it."
At first the man is horrified at this idea, but the headaches keep getting worse and worse. He
can't work or sleep, his sex life is nonexistent, and he's generally miserable. Finally, he goes
back to the doctor and says, "I don't care anymore, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned
headaches!
The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away. The guy is
relatively happy, now. He may not have a sex life, but he figures this is price he has to pay for a
life without pain. One day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe. He goes to this nice new
men's shop downtown. As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and
says, "You wear a 44 long jacket, don't you?"
The guy says, "Yeah, how did you know?"
"It's in the eye," says the clerk. "Your neck is seventeen and one quarter inches, but given your
build, medium shirt sleeves should work."
"That is incredible!" the guy says.
"Hmm... and you wear a 36 large jockstap."
"Ah hah! You're wrong," the guy says gleefully. "I wear a 32 small jockstrap."
"No, you have to wear a 36 large," says the clerk.
"Look, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I wear a 32 small."
"That's impossible," says the confused clerk. "A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and
give you migraine headaches."
A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note
says: 'I can't talk, help me!'. The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man: 'Put your dick on
the table here.'
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway. The
doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the
poor man's dick with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony:
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....' and the doctor just says: 'Good, come again
tomorrow and we'll learn B!'
The Seven Dwarves walk up to a Nunery and huddle out side the door to discuss something.
Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks. The Mother supperior opens the door and Doc
asks her if the are and 3 ft nuns in this nunery. The mother superior looks at him funny and says
that no, there ae no 3 ft nuns here. Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and they huddle
again making all sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks up to the door and knock jovially.
Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there are any 3 ft nuns in the country.
Mother Superior wonders what is going on, but says that, no, there are no 3 ft nuns in the
country. Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. They discuss and send Grumpy up to
the door. The mother opens the door and Grumpy asks her if there are any 3 ft nuns on that
continent, and the mother superior, frustrated, says that NO, there are no 3ft nuns on the this
continent. Grumpy growls a thank you and goes back to the group. After a few minutes, they
send Sleepy. He knocks on the door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy
standing there, yells, NO THERE NO 3FT NUNS ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. NONE.
THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE ANY 3FT NUNS. EVER. and slams the
door. Sleepy yawns and goes back the group. He shakes his head. The rest of the group turn to
Dopey and start chanting DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I can not grant you a divorce from Minnie..
Mickey Mouse (stunned): Why not!?
Judge: I have reviewed all the info you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to
support the grounds that she is crazy...
Mickey Mouse (exasperated): Your Honor! I didn't say she was -crazy-... I said she was
fucking Goofy!
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over
himself.
"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't
worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants
pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you
the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"
"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit.
"Now look what you've done to yourself!!"
"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty
bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the
table.
His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How
come there are two here?"
The man slurs back, "He shit in my pants, too."
A man with a stuttering problem goes to the doctor to see if here is anything that can be done ty
his speech problem. The man tells the doctor. "D-D-Doctor I c-c-c-can't g-g-get
m-m-m-an-n-ny w-w-w-omen to g-g-go out w-w-w-ith m-m-m-me b-b-b-b-because of
m-m-my s-s-st-t-u-t-t-e-ring." The man goes on to explain that he can occasionally pick up
woman but that he would prefer more.
Upon examination, the doctor finds the man has been endowed with a gigantic penis. The doctor
explains to the man that his penis weighs so much that it is pulling on his vocal chords and
causing him to stutter. The doctor advises the man to have his penis partially re moved in order
to alleviate the pull on the vocal chords. The man decides to go through with the operation and
finds that he now speaks quite clearly.
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor and says "Doctor thanks for fixing my
stuttering but since most of my dick is gone, my sex life is worse than it ever was. Could you
please re-attach my penis? The doctor looks at the man and frowns. The doctor then says
"I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry b-b-b-b-but th-that w-w-w-ould b-b-be imp-p-p-p-posible."
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up
with this beautiful japanese girl who speaks little english, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for
conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She
starts yelling this japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's
never had it so good.
So the next morning, he's golfing with the japanese ambassador, and he
makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have
been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him
rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."
The Diahrrea Song
--------
When you're riding in your Chevy and you feel somethin heavy--Diahrrea
"When you get into the groove and feel sumthin move - diahrrhea!!"
People think it's gross, but it's really great on toast - diarrhea!
People think it's funny, but it's really brown and runny - diarrhea!
When you're walking down the street and you feel something neat-diarrhea!
When you're swimming in the pool and you feel something cool-diarrhea
when you're sleeping in the bed and you feel something spread-diarrhea
When you're running down to first and your pants begin to burst-diarrhea
When you're stealing two and you feel a lotta poo-diarrhea
Headin' into third and you lay a squishy turd-diarrhea
Slidin' into home and your pants begin to foam-diarrhea
