Love Advice
Arguing
Commitment
Compromise
Control
ARGUING
Granted, early in a relationship, you may experience no conflict. Infatuation is a wonderful period in which you both bask in the delightful feeling that you're just perfect for each other! All healthy people argue. We all come into conflict: Our ideas, desires, needs, hopes, etc. If you don't argue, I guarantee that one of you is holding back. A common trap is to start viewing your partner as an enemy, a competitor; someone you don't trust. You must have mutual goodwill in order for any arguments, fights or simple disagreements to have a chance of being resolved, much less leading to intimacy.
Homework: What Bugs You? List five things that bug you about your partner. Now, tossout that list, and writedown the five things that really bother you about him or her. The things that you've swept under the rug; the things that, for whatever reason, are difficult to deal with. Choose one of these items, just one, hear me? and talk with your partner about it.
Rules: No blaming. No raised voices. No arguing about who's right and who's wrong. Many people find it insightful and comforting to see that all of their arguments fit into certain patterns that we all share. An excellent book called The Seven Basic Quarrels of Marriage offers explanation and help. According to authors William Betcher and Robie Macauley, these are the seven quarrels:
Gender
Loyalties
Money
Power
Sex
Privacy
Children
What's your style of fighting? You won't get a fair fight if you put a boxer and a Sumo wrestler in the ring together. You also won't get a fair fight if your style of arguing differs radically from your partner's. What's an unfair fight? You argue; she bursts into tears. You scream at the top of your lungs; she remains calm and understanding. You're totally emotional; she's totally rational. Now, realistically, you're probably not going to match your partner's style perfectly. But being aware of your different styles will help you get through your difficulties.
Another difference in style can be each person's tolerance for misunderstanding, and the desire to settle the argument. Some people hate to be in the midst of any misunderstanding or argument. They often give in before things have really been resolved, or they patch things up prematurely. Other people need to discuss every nuance. Yet another difference is our speed of "recovery". Some people bounce back pretty quickly. They can be fighting one minute and kissing the next. Other people need time to digest an argument, time to cool off. They probably need some time alone before they can be civil with their partners. Neither way is right or wrong.
FYI: Rules for Fighting Fair Stick to the issue. Don't drag in every problem you can think of Stay in the present. Don't drag in the past! Say what you feel when you eel it Don't generalize You always . . . You're just like your mother . . .) No threatening allowed. (Either verbally or physically.) Absolutely, positively no violence. (Men: Not even the slightest touch. Women: This includes slapping his face.) State your needs as specific requests for different behavior Work toward resolution. Don't escalate the fight. Some good news: Arguments and disagreements are not necessarily signs that your relationship is bad or that your love is fading. It's all in how you practice the Art of Arguing.
For some couples, arguing is a sign that each person is expressing his or her individuality, a healthy thing. For others, arguing is a substitute for true communicating. How can you tell the difference? Ask yourself: 1) Are we having the same argument we've had over and over again? 2) Do our arguments "spiral upwards" toward solutions and intimacy, or "spiral downwards" toward stalemate and bitterness? One of the dumbest things people say: "You're just not the same person I married 20 years ago!" Good Lord, let's hope he/she's not the same inexperienced, insecure person he was way back then!
Change and growth are supposed to happen. FYI: Behind theScenes Arguing about money is rarely about money. It's about power. Arguing about sex is rarely about sexuality. It's about intimacy. Arguing about chores is rarely about the chores. It's about fairness. Arguing about the kids is rarely about the kids. It's about control. Arguing about jealousy is rarely about fidelity. It's about maturity. Arguing about work is rarely about the work. It's about time. Arguing about relatives is rarely about them. It's about expectations. News Flash! "Nasty marital arguments—especially those knockdown dragout fights—can be hazardous to couples' health."
A recent study by the Ohio State University Medical Center shows that "the more negative behaviors displayed while arguing, the more the immune system is affected." Among those negatives are sarcasm, putdowns, interruptions, excuses and denyi ng responsibility. Note: Myths and Other Fallacies "Nice girls don't get angry." Couples who never argue are stronger than those who do. Anger ignored will simply go away. My rage is so strong that it will blow my partner away. Resources From Conflict to Caring: An In-Depth Program for Creating Loving Relationships, by Jordan & Margaret Paul The Intimate Enemy , by George Bach & Peter Wyden We Can Work It Out: Making Sense Of Marital Conflict, by Clifford I. Notarius and Howard J. Markman If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say, by Natheniel Branden www.godek.com
COMMITMENT
"Dear Greg . . . I came within an inch of throwing away my 25-year marriage last year. We'd been fighting a lot, I was away on business, and I thought, What the hell, I'm going to the bar and see if I can get lucky. As I headed out my hotel door I paused to remove my wedding ring. It took me nearly five minutes to get if off. As I fought with the damn thing, it occurred to me that I had never had that ring off my finger in 25 years. I stood in the doorway holding that ring. thinking about how the good times far outweighed the bad times. I went back inside, sat on the bed and cried. I then called my wife, told her I'd be home a day early, and that if she couldn't find a babysitter for the kids for the entire day, that I was going to s ell them to the circus . . . I heard you on the radio last night, and thought my story might make it into one of your future books." {Special thanks to C.T. & G.T.}
Ideas Tattoo a ring on your finger (Jim C of Ohio has a tatooed wedding band!) Memorize your wedding vows Write a love letter that describes all the reasons you're committed to your lover and to your relationship Create your own unique rituals There is a key difference between making a commitment to a relationship and to making a commitment to anything else. With anything else, your commitment is an individual, solitary decision. You make a commitment to excellence in your work ; you make a commitment to serve our country in the armed forces. But when you make a commitment to a relationship, it's a joint decision. Either you both agree, or you don't really have a relationship, you have one person believing in a fantasy, and one person withholding or wande ring off. Commitment requires daily renewal. A promise kept, an action made, over and over and over and over and over again. We all make many emotional commitments, or "emotional contracts" with one another. We depend on each other to be there when we're in need; we promise to listen with love; we plan to share "the good times and the bad."
Emotional contracts are fine—if they're clear, understood by both partners, and realistic. Problems arise when our contracts are unrealistic, or when they are unspoken contracts. Unrealistic contracts include "I'll be understanding all the time if you'll be strong all the time." Unspoken contracts include "I'll support you economically if you'll support me emotionally." Unhealthy contracts are those that create codependency; they promote the belief that each of you is responsible for the other's happiness. Healthy emotional contracts can only be enteredinto by two mature, independent, loving and equal people who freely choose to join their lives together. To the extent that any of those factors are missing, damaged or incomplete, your emotional contract will be weak or full of loopholes. Exercise: Emotional Contracts Pad and paper poised? List at least five emotional contracts that you have with your partner. A Label them "Spoken" or "Unspoken." Compare lists with your partner. A How many different contracts do you have listed? A Do you each agree with the contracts on your partner's list? Are you surprised/angered/resentful/amused by any of your contracts? Which contracts are good? These, you'll keep. Which contracts need modification/renegotiation? Which contracts are just plain bad? (Those that harm, demean, demoralize or devalue either one of you?)
A Make time to discuss and renegotiate these contracts. Handle them with care—they're very emotionallycharged. One guy whispering to another in the Romance Class, when they thought I wasn't listening: "Yeah, we're committed. I'm committed to putting up with her, and she's committed to making my life miserable." We reassigned him to the beginners' class. How can you be committed to your wedding vows remember your wedding vows? One couple in the Romance Class was terribly distraught when we talked about wedding vows, because they couldn't remember their vows (and they'd only been married for a year). We came up with a great creative solution: They wrote new vows! Ac tually, we started the process in class. They wrote to me several months later explaining that they enjoyed the exercise so much that they'd decided to make it an ongoing process. They sit down together every two weeks and re-read, edit, a nd add to their vows. They're also planning a re-dedication marriage ceremony for their fifth anniversary! How do you make a marriage last for half a century or more? Commitment! A recent PBS documentary called "Fo Better or For Worse" illustrated this well, as it took an intimate look at five couples who have been together for more than 50 years. Catch it on reruns if you can. Some quotes from the show: "We allow ourselves to be ourselve—which isn't very civilized, perhaps. But we're we." "Almost from the very beginning, we both had the same kind of ideal." ; "We don't go to sleep at night without saying we love each other." Resources Challenge of the Heart, by J. Wedgewood Pairing, by G. Bach and R. Deutsch The Art of Staying Together, by Michael Broder www.godek.com
COMPROMISE
Compromise. It almost sounds like a dirty word, doesn't it? I nearly changed the name of this chapter to "Cooperation" in an effort to be more gentle about the topoic—but I decided that the emotional impact of the word 7;compromise" would make the lesson more interesting. Who wants to compromise? Nobody! It feels like losing, doesn't it? Usually, when two people compromise on something, they both feel like they're losing. If this happens, you're using a bad model of what compromising is. The "WinLose& #148; model may work in the outside world, but it wreaks havoc inside intimate relationships.
The "WinWin" model is the only one that promotes healthy relationships. When one person compromises, he loses When two people compromise, you both win Perhaps a "Vocabulary Lesson" would help. The Random House Dictionary defines compromise as a "settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by... reciprocal modification of demands." Compromise is either a two-way street, or one of you gets run over. When you compromise, you don't make demands of your partner, you make requests. When you compromise, you do so froma base of trust and goodwill.
Otherwise, you're not really engaging in compromise, but in a negotiation. It's the difference between a couple compromising, and a divorced couple negotiating. The goal of negotiating is to get as much as you can Whereas the goal of compromising is to give as much as you get In order to compromise successfully, you must have these conditions: A sense of fairness A clear idea of what you want An understanding of what your partner wants A desire to create a win-win solution Compromising and negotiating with your lover is unlike compromising and negotiating with anyone else in the world. Why? Because there are not just two parties involved, there are three. There's you and me—and us. "Us" is a third "entity" that comes into being when a "me" and a "you" decide to become a couple.
When you're compromising in your relationship, there's more at stake than my happiness, or your desi res. There's also what's best for the relationship to be considered. When the relationship wins, you both win. If you don't feel that way, it's an indication that your commitment to the relationship isn't as strong as you'd thought it was.
Homework: Identifying Core Issues When you and your partner are faced with a difficult issue that requires compromise: Discover who feels the most strongly about the issue. It will rarely be a 50/50 situation. This gives you a place to start. It does not mean that the persn who feels less strongly automatically givesin! Consider the tradeoffs that you could make: "I'll do this for you, if you'll do that for me." Maintain an attitude of fairness and equality. In the middle of your negotiating, trade roles temporarily. What insights does this generate? You can only do this if you truly have your partner's best interests at heart. This is where negotiating with your lover differs from negotiating a business deal. The mindset and trust level are totally different.
Compromising isn't the same thing as "giving in"! [There's an audible sigh from the guys in the Romance Class when I say this.] It sometimes does involve delayed gratification. But mature adults are supposed to be able to deal with del ayed gratification. (In fact, some experts feel that the ability to responsibly handle delayed gratifications is the key definition of maturity!) Overheard in the hallway before the Romance Class: "Cooperate, Do it my way!" "My wife and I usedto argue quite a lot until we learned that I'm a strawberry and she's a grape," announced one fellow in the Romance Class one night. In answer to our puzzled expressions, he pulled out of his wallet a yellowed piece of paper that he said he's been carrying around since World War II, and he read to us... "He who knows nothing, loves nothing He who can do nothing , understands nothing He who understands nothing is worthless but he who understands also loves, notices, sees... The more knowledge is inherent in a thing, the greater the love... Anyone who mimagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries knows nothing about the grapes. ~Paracelsus Resources Til Death Do Us Part: How Couples Stay Together, by Jeanette C. Lauer Getting to Yes, by R. Fisher and W.Ury Marriage Contracts and Couples Therapy: Hidden Forces in Intimate Relationships, by Clifford J. Sager The Fragile Bond, by A. Napier www.godek.com
CONTROL
Just what is it you're trying to control? Yourself? Your partner? Your environment? Your future? Your family? The more I explore this concept of control, the more complex it becomes. One thing I know for sure, though: Being in control of one's s elf is a fulltime job! Most people seem to require just about one complete lifetime in order to understand themselves, love themselves, and discover and pursue their Purpose in Life. [Pretty cool, the way that works out, huh?!] So what does this have t o do with Romance? Just this: Too much control (of any type) squeezes the Life out of your life; it puts undue stress on your relationship; and it drives your partner away from you.
FYI: Control Strategies Here are some strategies that people use to control one another (do you recognize anyone you know?!): Maintaining a logical stance when your partner is expressing emotion. Breaking down in tears at the first sign of disagreement. Being parental instead of simply adult. Putting your partner on a pedestal. Overwhelming your partner with anger. Feeling "above it all." Refusing to take your fair share of the blame. Being jealous. Being "nice" all the time. You can't control a relationship. It's not like driving a car—It's more like flying a kite. You have some say in where it goes, but not a lot! Manipulation leads to a lack of spontaneity. It puts a lot of pressure on you—being the "Puppet Master"—and it leads to sure disappointment when things don't go your way.
Now let's look at the effects of manipulation on you r partner. People who are manipulated feel devalued, not listenedto, and not understood. This adds up to feeling unloved. How do these people usually respond? By giving up, shrivelingup, shuttingup, or gettingup and leaving. None of which are great choices, are they? In order to control something—a person or a situation—you must exercise power. In the context of a relationship, power "Love can be very controlling, can't it?" asked Marie M. "The power of love can be abused if you're not careful." Marie is right—kindof. It is true that people in relationships can be controlling, and that we can abuse the privileges of intimacy with one another. But it's not true that love is controlling, or that love can be abused.
This distinction—between "love" and our own unloving actions—is very important. If you start blaming things on love, you corrupt the very concept of love. That kind of thinking leads some folks to be cynical about people, relationships and life in general. It leads other to give up. It leads others to insulate themselves from the "cold, cruel world." (If you don't believe in love, it is a cold, cruel world! You create your own reality with your beliefs.) Love is tremendous. It is giving, trusting, strong, creative and dynamic. When our lives do not reflect these attributes, it is because we are falling short of love's potential. This is not to say that we are failing! It simiply means tha t we are human. And part of what being human is all about is striving and reaching and falling down and picking ourselves back up and trying again and learning and laughing and screwing things up and patching them back up and moving on and doing it all again.
Sounds like fun, doesn't it? How you feel is not the result of what's happening in your life—it's your interpretation of what's happening. This gives you tremendous control over your life—more control than most people believe is possible. The twin issues of power and control are explosive issues, so be extra careful when you talk about them with your partner. The urge to assign blame and attack is hard to resist. The socalled Battle of the Sexes comes into sharp focus when power and control are discussed. When we talk about these issues in the Romance Class I usually end up playing the role of referee rather than facilitator.
These are hot issues. I'm serious when I ask people to refrain from beating each other over the head with the latest sex survey or psych book. It's so easy for us to wield information as weapons against each other. It's dangerous! Recently, one guy in the Romance Class tried to use a copy of The Myth of Male Power to hammer home his point that it's men—not women—who are the oppressed sex. Now, I happen to think that psychologist Warren Farrell makes some valid points in the book. (Men have bou ght into a false definition of power—one that keeps us slaving at unsatisfying jobs, falling prey to stress-related diseases, and dying seven years sooner than women.
Men also feel trapped by the social pressure to be tough and not express emotions.) But I think you can easily see how this material could be used to set a roomful of women aflame! Placing blame and ranting and raving makes for entertaining TV talk shows, but it makes for miserable relationships. What happens is that you enjoy a shortterm "victory" by "proving" that men (or women)—or you (no t me!)—are to blame for whatever it is you're arguing about.
This Win-Lose scenario always backfires because the "loser" either attacks later, or goes underground and wages a nasty—but effective—guerila campaign. Is this what our relationships are all about?! Don't look for a simple answer here, because there ain't one! Here's a tip, though. When you discuss power and control, first remind yourselves and each other that first and foremost, you love and respect each other. With that as a base, go at it! Resources Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by M. Csikszentmihalyi The Intimate Enemy , by George Bach & Peter Wyden How To Get People To Do Things, by Robert Conklin www.godek.com
Email: teddybear22@mailcity.com
