Something lame happened and my page disappeared. So now I have to start over again, and all my old rants are gone. *sigh* Such is life. So now I sit here pondering about what I can rant to you people. I think I'll start with personal shit, cuz well, I'm semi-fuming about something.
My boyfriend is wonderful. I love him dearly, in fact, I wanna marry him someday in the far far distant galaxy sized future. But there's one thing that makes me a little nervous. I keep hoping it'll wear off, but we've been dating 3 and a half months, so I'm a little worried. What is it about when someone gets screwed over too many times, they just start expecting people to screw them over...what a fucked up thing reality has done to some people! My boyfriend has had some pretty spooky relationships that I've heard about, I feel very sorry for him that his first love had to treat him the way she did. But...that doesn't mean I'm going to do the same things to him.
Now, he doesn't do this very badly, or very much, but sometimes he gets very defensive about weird things. I mean, I just wanna know why it's going to take him till 1am to come over to my house and he gets an attitude about how he doesn't want to ditch his friends. I didn't even know he had friends coming over! *sigh*
And that's not the only thing he's done, there have been times when I ask something or say something in innocence and he takes it completely the wrong way. Now, I may write alright (maybe not great, but not bad..I mean come on, gimme some credit), but I have a very hard time speaking. It can take me ten minutes to re-explain myself sometimes just because I can't word things right. Plus I stutter and repeat things over and over ("and we went, and we went to the store..and there was this big like, ummm this big like stand with oreos, and the lady was so rude cuz I just wanted, er um I just wanted another oreo.." and so on) and usually I just try not to re-explain myself. Then stuff is left hanging like fucking rain clouds all up over everyone's head and it works itself into a storm and it gets ugly. Ugh.
See, I distance myself from drama as much as possible. I'm done with drama. I hate that shit. It got so fucking old after everyone was coming to me with bullshit like "I'm going to kill myself." At first I'd be like "Oh god no don't do that! It's not worth it, there's so much out there that is better. You can get help! We all love you so much! Nooooo!!!!!!" Then as ten more friends would come to me, it would diminish to "Well, how come? Oh is that all? Well, that's easily fixed, here see this is how..." Then as ten more friends would come to me with this really really overused statement, it finally became "Fine, why haven't you done it yet? See, you don't really want to commit suicide, you just want me to think you will so I'll lavish affection and attention on you, and frankly, I'm busy." Now, don't get me wrong, there are people out there who really want to off themselves and really need help, but the poeple that come to me with suicide warnings are not in that category. These people need help, but not because they want to kill themselves.
They need help because they're the children of fairly well off yuppie scum parents who don't have time between their corporate slave jobs, their expensive SUV's, their expensive cel phones, and their designer business power suits to raise a suitable family. So instead they give their kids a lot of money and playstation games to keep themselves busy.
I hate yuppies. They make me ill. It sucks too because I live in yuppie hell. This is *the* breeding ground for yuppies. Ahhh northern california. Home of yoga, tofu, SUV's with Christmas trees on top no matter what time of the year it is, and lots faking it. That's all anyone ever does here. They all fake it. "What's 'it' you say? 'It' is life. They fake life. They take their yoga classes and make their tofu casserole and join charities to save the trees and the whales and the starving third world children. They put their kids in special day cares that will pay more attention to each child as an individual because they don't have time to do it themselves. They take their kids to soccer practice, piano lessons, ballet recitals, band camp, and theater class. Oh, and that's just one week and that's just one family..because yuppies feel their children have to make up for what they didn't do when they were young, so they keep their kids as busy as possible, whether the kid wants to be or not.
The problem with all that other stuff--the save the whales, and the save the trees bullshit--is that they really only do it because they're supposed to. Yuppies don't care about that shit. They do it for status. They do it to cover up the fact that they drive gas eating, earth polluting SUV's. They do it to hide the fact that they work for corporate pigs who do nothing but deplete the earth of resources. They take yoga to reverse the damage done by all the drugs they did when they were hippies back in the 60's (even though they were a lot more likeable back then..and I won't get into drugs just yet). They eat tofu and become vegitarians to cover up the fact that they're redneck husband goes hunting for sport.
Ok, ok lemme take a break because I probably sound like a disgruntled hippy from hell. Well, I am. But it's only because I've been driven to be that way. I walk around wearing black and wearing chains and dying my hair and cutting it short and painting my nails black and being loud and unacceptable..and all I ever get from it is bad looks. Now, don't get me wrong, that's what I want to get when I look like that. But there are days when I look "normal", when I act "normal"..and I still get looked at like a deviant. Because I'm young and don't necessarily wear "prep" clothes, I'm looked down upon.
A good example was the other day when I was driving to the park. I was with my best friend Erin, and we pulled into the driveway going a little too fast for a parking lot. I admit that. But as soon as I saw a woman with children across the parking lot from me (and I do mean across the parking lot..far..far..away) I slowed down to the speed limit and maybe even slower. As I passed the woman a couple moments later, she glared at me like I had screeched to a halt two feet away from her precious yuppie spawn. I felt like getting out and giving her a piece of my mind, but, as I've said before, I don't speak very well, and I didn't have a coherant speech put together until it was too late. I probably wouldn't have been able to pull it off even if I'd thought of it at the time. In any case, the woman, and others before her have pissed me off badly enough that I've had a sour taste in my mouth for a long time now and have been meaning to spit it out on paper..or on the internet as the case happens to be. So, that's why I'm a disgruntled hippy from hell.
Well, this has been theraputic, but I have to go watch the Academy Awards now to make sure American Beauty wins all the awards it's up for (cuz it deserves them..what a brilliant movie). More later.
4-5-00 11:27pm
Welp. I'm back again. I'm actually in a slightly better mood this time. I was really happy cuz American Beauty won like HAALLLLAAA awards..including Kevin Spacey winning the Best Actor award. So yeah, I was diggin. Mmm..Kaiser Sose.
I'm also in a good mood because I actually will have some form of income now. Although, it's kind of a bittersweet thing because it means I have to become an adult. *sigh* 18 years old and I'm already feeling old. Ah well, at least I'll have money to do shit with. It was actually pretty cool because I found out I can type 96 words per minute..which is why this page doesn't take me days to write each entry. So I'm not sure about the jobs they gave me to start out with. I could take one, the other, or neither considering I have about 175 bucks to play with for a little while (I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's a fortune, and I know how to make it last, because I've had to in the past). One is operating a food cart. Go figure. I probably could have gotten that without a temp agency. But whatever. The other is walking around two local malls and checking to make sure their computers are working, and if they're not..call tech support and fix them. Hmmmm...not sure I'm qualified for that. I know a good deal about basics of computers, but I'm not sure I know *that* much. Well, *sigh* we'll have to see.
Other than that, life is pretty much the same. I still go out to Richmond and get laid. Or he comes out here and gets laid..as he is going to tonight. Oh and not to mention we're going to watch the special edition letter box version of Star Wars Phantom Menace. I'm not actually sure how I feel about watching this movie. See, I guess I liked it ok, but I have three complaints. 1) Anakin Skywalker is too...too..... Wesley Crusher from Star Trek the Next Gen. meets Leonardo DiCaprio but cut half their size. He's just too...nyeh..family oriented. 2) Jar Jar Binks...dood, need I say anymore? Well I'm gonna actually...everyone *hated* the ewoks when they came out..and everyone *hates* Jar Jar Binks for the same reason. He's hollywood family oriented bullshit. He's just made from computers instead of foam rubber and fur. And finally..3) I thought Darth Maul was the biggest damn pussy I've ever seen. He got killed by an unskilled Jedi for chrissake. Plus he never said anything. The only thing cool about him was he looked shpooky and he had a really really farking spiffy light saber, which he used well..until he died anyway. I dunno, something about him just made me wanna say "Dood, yer more badass than this, get out there and kill a few of those fucking things Jar Jar Binks is. No, in fact, kill them all! I know you can do it!" But..alas.
Oh well, such is hollywood. As some random celebrity said (I forgot who it was, but I really liked the quote) "You just have to understand this city..it's definitely a beautiful blond with dirty underwear." Amen.
So now I sit here waiting kinda impatiently. My boyfriend is supposed to get here between 12 and 1..and it's only quarter till 12 sadly. Then we're gonna go get high..then prolly watch Phantom Menace. Ooo, I'll prolly like it more in that case..hah! Mmm pot.
Ok well now I suppose I should tell you all that yes, I do drugs. Mmm.. drugs. But you don't have to worry. No track marks for this one. No bloody noses either. Just good ol' green, shmelly, leafy bud...with the occasional dose of acid or shrooms thrown in. And then there's drinking and smoking, but no one considers those drugs really (even though the are kids *scold scold* =P). I do those too. Although drinking is...hard...cuz alcohol is nasty shit. But it's all good cuz that's why we have pot. Now, some of you are gonna be like "eww drugs, you suck". And you know what I have to say to that? SUCK MY FUCKING LEFT ONE! Cuz, in the words of Bill Hicks.."if you don't think drugs have done some good things for us, then do me a favor..go home, take all yer albums, all yer tapes, and all yer cd's and burn em. Cuz the musicians that made all that great music that enhanced your lives throughout the years? *rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal* fucking high on drugs." Thank you Bill Hicks, you will forever be missed.
I actually really hate all that bullshit they say about pot. "oo it's a gateway drug, it'll turn your life to shit, you'll die when yer 30" or whatever they say about it nowadays. Sorry, but smoking a bowl or two once in awhile is not gonna kill you. Another Bill Hicks rant involves Keith Richards and Jim Fix, the jogger. Jim Fix lived his life in a healthy way, jogging, writing books about jogging and health, etc etc. Keith Richards is shooting heroin into his *eyeballs*! Guess who's still alive. You got that right..Jim Fix died of a heart attack.....while jogging. BAAAAHAHAHA!! I love Bill Hicks. And on that note, I think I'm going to go to bed.
OH..but one last thing before I go...there's a little something I think you oughtta look at...it has to do with the Columbine incident. Now, I think people oughtta let it rest..but since nobody is, I might as well add a rant I received by someone else that makes a lot of sense, and that I happen to agree a hoooole helluva lot with. To see it, click on the Columbine link at the bottom of the page.
4-11-00
Mmm another entry. Hopefully a somewhat interesting one this time. This last weekend was..well, interesting, to say the very least. It started out ok, went to see my boyfriend after starting a new job. Found out that, well, a couple of his friends were having problems with me. They found me too "agreeable"... Now..I know I may seem pretty fucking opinionated on here..but that's cuz I have no clue who's reading this and I have nothing to prove to someone I don't know exists. So, needless to say, some of his friends were afraid they didn't know who I really was, and therefore was not necessarily a good person for Ari. Well, Ari has seen me being me, he loves me because I'm me, so he didn't really realize. From my perspective, his friend, Alan, manipulated me to prove a point to Ari about my "agreeableness" ...well, I don't appreciate being manipulated, so that hurt. It mostly sucked because poor Ari had to break all this to me..and lemme tell you..ego-shot..much OWWWW!! So I cried and blah blah and we talked and blah blah and life moves on. Or so I think..but then another friend, Bishop, talked to me the next night..and basically made me an ultimatum. "When you are within my four walls, you will only express opinions that are your own..you will give reasons why you think those things..and I will defend you to my best ability so that you can speak your opinions." So that was that, and I got all emotional in front of him too. I hate being a girl sometimes. Grr.
Well, now Bishop was rolling pretty hard on X at the time. In fact, he wanted Ari to roll with him this coming Saturday. Now, I've never expressed this before on here, but in the past I have had a problem with X. I hear bad shit about it..blah blah. That's just how I feel, all you ravers out here reading this, shut the fuck up and keep reading. Well, I told Ari this, and said that I would watch Bishop and his girlfriend Gun and see how they acted, if I felt any better, I'd be ok with Ari doing X. Sweetly enough, he said that if I still felt funny, he wouldn't do it cuz he loves me. Hehe, I love my boy dammit. So that compromise was cool..then Bishop decided it would be cool if I was around, but in Ari's house instead of his house, and checked up on them once in awhile..thus that compromise was reached. *takes a big deep breath and continues on*
So as I watched Bishop and Gun roll, I got a little less weird about it. Finally, Gun asks if I'm ok, and by then I was more than ok, and I told them so..and well, Bishop decided to let us all do X.
Now comes the rant part. That was basically all build up. I love X. I think we should all do it once a year on the same day, cuz this world would be a better place. It's like fucking Brave New World and Soma or something..I dunno. It just frees you from all problems and inhibitions. It made everything pure and innocent. In fact, people always talk about "oohh don't have sex on it cuz it'll never be the same.." Well, to be quite honest, I didn't even feel like having sex. Everything was "sensual" instead of "sexual" to me. Ari and I were feeling each other up practically..but it just felt good instead of turning us on. Ohh..it was beautiful. I think honestly, if done under the right circumstances, X is a very beneficial drug. If the person doing it isn't doing it to escape from life, but more for the experience (or personal growth, as in my case (even though I didn't really *know* it was personal growth)) then X is a very good way to get in touch with yourself, other people, and the world around you. Now kids, go out and make yourselves better people. Hehe, no ok I didn't say that cuz now kids will go do X and get hooked cuz they're too angsty in real life and they'll be like "that chick online told me to do it!" and I'll get sued by every fucking yuppie on the planet. So no...make sure yer fairly happy with life and yourself before you do it, or else you'll come back to reality and be like "this sucks, I need more X." And that's hella dumb. Anyway..that's my story. If you didn't like it, suck my nuggets.
Oh yeah...I'm going fucking sky diving next weekend, how silly is that? I've always wanted to go, but now I'm actually faced with it and I'm like "What the hell am I thinking? I'm going to get to the edge of that plane and be like 'Put me the fuck on the ground NOW'" HAH! Ok maybe not, but in any case..it's spooky. So Ari and I had a bonding X-perience this weekend, and we're gonna have a bonding experience with the ground next weekend. Wish me luck...if there isn't another rant after the 15th, you'll know my parachute didn't open.
4-30-00
Alright, finally I give you all another entry. Oh, and we didn't go skydiving that weekend. We went skydiving yesterday. So I just really hadn't had something to rant about till now I suppose. Sorry if any of you all thought I was dead, heh. So we went skydiving, and it was HAAAALLLLAAA cool! Now I can honestly say I've done something completely stupid and fun by my own volition. Mmm...ok well actually I could have said that a looooong time before this about a great many things...but shut up. I was afraid I wasn't gonna be able to do it, to be honest. I got on that plane going "I'm gonna forget to kick my legs back, or I'm gonna flail my arms out...or I'm gonna chicken out completely!" Actually, I wouldn't have had a chance to chicken out because, well, these were my thoughts: "Oh god I'm next..oh god there's the door..oh god we're standing in the doorway.." Then exactly two, maybe three seconds later: "Oh SHIT we're falling out of the door!!" Then I must have closed my eyes or I was just too terrorized to remember, but for the first couple of seconds I have absolutely no memory of the surroundings. I saw on the tape that we rolled upward and were looking straight at the plane, but I have absolutely no memory of seeing the plane. Then we straightened out and the guy tapped my shoulders, which meant I could open my arms up a little. That's about when my senses came back to me. I realized I could breathe rather easily and look around at the beautiful Bay Area rather naturally..despite the fact that a 120 mile an hour wind and the ground were coming up at me. So we fell for awhile, just checkin' shit out..I watched the skin on my wrist flap a little, that was fun, because that certainly put the fact that I was skydiving smack dab right into my head (not to mention the ground and the wind as I've mentioned before). Then I think I heard "chute coming," though I can't be sure cuz well..you can't hear a goddamn thing except the 120 mile per hour wind rushing past you. So I stuck my arms in like a good little girl and *FOOMP*...we slowed down from 120 mph to ohhh prolly about 10 in a very short amount of time. Needless to say, the harness I had on that was so lovingly strapped around my arms and legs was no longer slightly uncomfortable. It was now cutting off the circulation to my arms and supporting all my weight on my crotch. However, I got the twampy harness that had a lot of padding, so it didn't leave me bruised and sore once I was on the ground, thank fucking god. Heh, I felt bad for the guys though...enough said I think. So then we drifted along, checkin' out the scenery some more, practicing the landing, doing twirls. Oh the twirls, let me tell you, were fuckin SWEET. The parachute makes you basically horizontal and staring at the ground as it spins beneath you. Ok so yer the one spinning, but you get the idea. Then we drifted to a nice smooth landing (didn't even have to sit down like normal tandems), nearly running over my boyfriend. Our parachute fell on top of him and his instructor, which was amusing. There he is all strapped in and sitting on his ass peeking out from under a parachute. Oh yeah...it was good times, my friends, good times.
So now I recommend skydiving. I wouldn't recommend E *and* skydiving though. That might just kill you before you even get a chance to find out yer parachutes won't open and you hit the ground. You'd get to the edge of the plane, feel the cold-ass air (and that would be enough to make you cream I'm sure) and then you'd fall out and feel like yer floating and *POP*..yer heart just goes buh bye. But hey, alone, they're both fun and interesting and a bit on the risky side. So try them seperate dammit, don't make me kick your parents' asses when they sue me for telling you to do shit, you crazy bastards.
So I guess lately I've been doing better about being opinionated. Prolly can't really tell on here cuz I'm always opinionated on here. But in any case, the friend who had a problem with me, now seems to have a lot less of a problem with me. Of course, he was drunk and stoned off his ass at the time he told me this...but I suppose drugs tend to make you say the truth a lot more anyway, so I should prolly be happy. He's been digging him into a shithole with my boyfriend and his friends lately himself, actually, which made it interesting. The friend Ari and I did E with actually wound up swearing the guy off for awhile. He won't even accept an apology at this point. Not really my problem, but interesting to watch. People are so weird. I mean, even a tight-knit group of friends who protect each other to the death can be torn apart so quickly. Just because of one or two (or many in this case) stupid mistakes one person can make. Kinda sad. I suppose it's the way life runs though. I was gonna say "the way life works" but I think "run" is a much better term now that I wrote it on accident. I always feel like I'm running in place. You just wanna go full tilt bozo and make things happen in yer life, but you get stuck more often than yer running, but yer feet are still going. It's the most frustrating fucking thing. Hrmph. Well anyhoo. I'm going to go do something unproductive now, kiddies. So go skydiving if yer 18 and you can, cuz it's one of those "mmmm I'm really glad I did that" kinda things. Trust me, even if yer afraid of heights like no other (we had a couple of those on the trip with us) it'll still be fun. It's too surreal of a height to be afraid, in that sense. Alright, peace out muthafuckas.
5-11-00
Well, here I am at work. One of the many jobs I've landed through a temp agency. Today, I have nothing to do, cuz all the stuff I was doing is done. I have today and tomorrow still to go, how sad is this? So I sit with my pad of paper and my portable cd player and my lonely little self...and I think of this thing. See, I've seen Fight Club way too many times in the recent past, and now I'm on this whole "life isn't worth living" trip. It's a little shpooky cuz usually I'm the one who's like "Live life cuz..well, you can do cool shit like trip on shrooms." But lately..er, well, hasn't been that way. I guess it stemmed from the fact that I've been having to work 40 hour weeks, and when I get home I'm tired as all hell and I don't wnat to do anything but get in my most comfortable clothes and lay around the house. My room is a pigsty, my boyfriend and I are always tense with each other, my best friend and I barely see each other... I mean, if life is always going to be like this, then what the hell is the point? My boyfriend got a game called The Sims..it's very fun, but he insists on playing the game the "right" way, in other words, earning money and buying stuff when he saves up for it. I on the other hand have the cheat code to get unlimited money. I use this cheat code frequently. I mean, my character doesnt have any time for anything fun when she has a job. Yep, I made the house on unlimited money. Nope, my character doesn't have a job. Know why? When she has a job, her social and fun bars go steadily and quickly down CUZ SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING BUT EAT SLEEP AND WORK!!! Sorry, but my real life is too much like that, I don't need my games to be like that too.
Ok but enough of that. I'm getting too worked up. So, yeah, life sucks at the moment. But, hey, at least I get to jerk around at work, teehee! Anyway, I need to go find my supervisor. And if I can't find her (as I usually can't cuz she's nuts), I'm going to go have a cigarette. Err, fucking middle age at 18, why can't a plane just land on me or something?
5-12-00
Fuck Korn. Fuck Limp Bizkit. Fuck Blink 182 and all their predecesors. I used to listen to the radio. I used to listen to mainstream. You know why I don't anymore? Because there are so many other things out there that are better. There are modern-day Mozarts and Beethovens out there, but no one knows about them because we're all led around by marketers. We're little bitches, all of us. Some corporation tugs a string in one direction and a huge mass of people go that way. I used to be one of them. I've decided there are better things and moved on. I will still listen to Korn, Limp Bizkit, and, well.. occasionally Blink 182, but they're not the be-all end-all of music people! They are merely what marketers want you to hear. I'm listening to a rather beautiful mix by Paul Oakendfold right now. His album Tranceport is absolutely brilliant, the way he transitions from one song to the next, how no track ends and then starts up again on a new track. It's all one continuous piece of music. Some people just really know how to compose. I'm not a huge raver techno fan, however, I recognize art and talent, and this folks, this is it.
Another example of great art and composition is VNV Nation. They have climbed their way rather effortlessly to the spot of "favorite band" (though I'm hard pressed to actually choose a favorite band to be honest) because they know how to make music. They have a remix double cd album and two of my favorite songs are on there (though, yet again, I'm hard pressed to choose a "favorite" out of VNV's many many wonderful songs). Saviour and Standing. Standing is redone twice, the first time it is slowed down just barely and his singing is emphasized. The second time the song is sped up a just barely and the techno background is a little more emphasized. Both have their own unique flavor that's totally different, yet with some of the same elements as the first. All three songs are brilliant and wonderful. Saviour isn't actually remixed really, there's just a singing part added to it that wasn't there in the original. I hadn't realized this when I was listening to it, and when the singing came in, I was at first startled, and even a little skeptical to have one of my favs changed on me. My attitude was very quickly changed because they did a disgustingly good job and I nearly ran off the road trying to drive in the middle of my musical orgasm.
So, you see kids, music isn't just what they feed you on the radio. Music was originally about art, and today it's about money. VNV Nation is not mainstream--nor will they ever be most likely--but they don't really care. They like making music, so they make it for the people who *do* listen. So, don't be fooled, go out and find art and beauty yourself, because They surely don't want you to, heehee. Mmmm now I sound paranoid. The infamous "They!" Ok, I'm alright, really.
Rants continued...
Ramblings
The Coffee House
Go HOME! Are you too good for your HOME??
Columbine