Euphemisms For Masturbation

A Great List Of Maturbation Terms, Brought To You By (who else?) Pete and Jordan.

Enjoy!

1. Bleeding The Weed
2. Beating The Bishop
3. Hogging The Elmer's Glue
4. Surfing With The Alien
5. Riding The Service Elevator
6. Lubing The Lightning Rod
7. Morphing The Dwarf Worf
8. Giving The Naked Mole Rat A Noogie
9. Launching The Catfish
10. Caulking The Comforter
11. Slugging The Scud
12. Choking The Chihuahua
13. Buffing The Bone
14. Tweeting The Meat Whistle
15. Poking The Trojan
16. Stroking The String Cheese
17. Chafing The Chipmunk
18. Petting The Penguin
19. Strangling The Mime
20. Wringing The Rooster
21. Squeezing Tweety Bird
22. Pine-Tarring The Louisville Slugger
23. Flying The Flag
24. Playing Pocket Pool
25. Smacking The Jack-In-The-Box
26. Stepping Into A Slim Jim
27. Dowsing The Trouser Mouse
28. Stuffing The Five-Fingered Turkey
29. Tackling The Hamburglar
30. Greasing Grimmace
31. Getting Special Sauce From Mayor McCheese
32. Scolding The Squirrel
33. Paddling The Pickle
34. Tweaking The Leek
35. De-Lousing The Naked Clown
36. Grooming The Komodo Dragon
37. Tickling The Chicken
38. Having Tea With Tigger
39. Boxing Gandhi
40. Smothering The Monkey
41. Boinking Big Boy
42. Grasping The Grouper
43. Flibhabbling The Winkerpoodel
44. Noosing The Loch Ness Monster
45. Cuddling With The Cumquat
46. Spanking The Anteater
47. Fingering The Flesh Fretboard
48. Making The White River Flow
49. Finding Waldo
50. Hiding Saddam In The Bunker
51. Pistol-Whipping The Python
52. Heimliching Herve Villechaize
53. Wagging The Worm
54. Carpaling The Tunnel Syndrome
55. Goosing The Cobra
56. Sumo-Wrestling With Tom Thumb
57. Priming The Geyser
58. Tweaking The Ewok
59. Retching The Echidna
60. Fluffing The Fajita
61. Necklacing The Burrito
62. Tugging On Santa's Beard
63. Pissing Off Winnie The Pooh
64. Nerfing The Herder
65. Clubbing The Seal
66. Stabbing Rosy Palmer
67. High-Fiving The Hairless Mole
68. Whacking The Quacker
69. Spearing The Zero
70. Pinching The Snickers
71. Draping The Tapeworm
72. Getting The Air Pregnant
73. Johnny Coming Lately
74. Oiling The Skin Flute
75. Massaging Ronald Reagan
76. Unblocking The Exhaust
77. Making Garth Hurl
78. Bonking The Dachshund
79. Kneading The Knob
80. Putting Decals On The Pocket Rocket
81. Rubbing The Magic Lamp
82. Shaving The Sweet Potato
83. Wreathing The Enchilada
84. Jerking The Gherkin
85. Flaying The Playdoh
86. Clasping The Asp
87. Coaxing The Turtle Out Of The Shell
88. Rolfing Jabba
89. Waxing The Dolphin
90. Having A Vaseline Sandwich
91. Making Bob Barr Bob For Apples
92. Bum-Rushing The Gusher
93. Teasing The Tortoise
94. Silencing Senor Wences
95. Snuffing The Snail
96. Garroting The Carrot
97. Squelching The Squirming Kermit
98. Groping Super Grover
99. Tickling The Elmo
100. Making Big Bird Scream
101. Feeding KY To Cookie Monster
102. Getting Oscar Even Grouchier
103. Muffling Mr. Snufalafugus
104. Crimping The Tadpole
105. Squirting The Squid
106. Jerking The Smurf
107. Frisking The Furby
108. Mugging The Slug
109. Jacking The Rat
110. Torturing The Teletubby
111. Catapulting The Manbatter
112. Scaring The Puffer Fish
113. Battering Baldrick
114. Stifling The Newt
115. Soothing The Squealing Pig
116. Leeching The Catfish
117. Jimining The Cricket
118. Putting Pants On Donald Duck
119. Making Goofy Tap-Dance
120. Gargling The Garden Hose
121. Bill Gating
122. Culturing The Yogurt
123. Waxing The Salamander
124. Adjusting Mr. Happy's Helmet
125. Shaking Down The Jawa
126. Workin' Out The Wookie
127. Pumping Out Nacho Sauce
128. Juking With Jergen's
129. Soiling The Ceiling
130. Gorging On Gravy
131. Doodling The Yankee Till He's Dandy
132. Shining The Shaved Ferret
133. Cracking Jimmy's Corn
134. Hardening The Aardvark
135. Going The Distance With Tex Cobb
136. Putting Faces On The Totem Pole
137. Twisting The Pixie Stick
138. Soaking The Gourd
139. Milking The Mongoose
140. Throttling The Duck
141. Gagging Gollum
142. Dabbing At The Crab
143. Corsaging The Blue Dress
144. The Ole Hubba Bubba
145. Twirling The Javelin
146. Bruising The Goose
147. Waving The Baton
148. Making The Meat Puppet Talk
149. Parking The Shark
150. Threading The Knuckle Needle
151. Thumping The Pumpkin
152. Drowning The Hobbit
153. Slapping Sluggo
154. Solving Rubik's Phallus
155. Faking Karate With Little Elvis
156. Lap-Based Web Browsing
157. Gettin' Some Air Nookie
158. Wrangling The Invertebrate Serpent
159. Tango Con Mano
160. Jostling Your Elder
161. Ruminating & Pondering
162. Shaking Your Fist At The Ex-Girlfriend
163. Releasing The Hostages
164. Tickling Your Elmo
165. Fixing The Hubble
166. Putting The Seminal Luge Team Through Their Paces
167. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome
168. Beta-Testing The Hardware
169. Downloading From Your Own Website
170. Evicting The Testicular Squatters
171. Manually Increasing The Surface Temperature Of The Ship's Primary Cannon By Repeated Linear Manipulation
172. Pocket Punch 'N' Judy
173. Signing Your John Hancock
174. Dragging Thyself To Hell, One Hand's Breadth At A Time
175. Emptyin' The Saloon
176. Waving To Queen Victoria
177. Trying For A Scarlet "M"
178. Oiling The Pennywhistle
179. Assaulting The Tower Of London
180. Cleaning The Musket
181. Quashing The Southern Uprising
182. Monitoring Your Merrimac
183. Driving The Golden Spike
184. Delivering The Ejaculation Proclamation
185. Churning The Codpiece Butter
186. Square Dancing With Satan
187. Addressing Lord Palmer
188. Making The Bald Man Cry
189. Playing The Single String Guitar
190. Consulting Your Silent Partner
191. Wrist Aerobics
192. Burping The Baby
193. Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
194. Tugging The Slug
195. Clearing The Snorkel
196. Tenderizing The Tube Steak
197. Bashing The Candle
198. Choking Kojak
199. Fiddling The Flesh Flute
200. Flogging The Log
201. Toss The Turkey
202. Toss Yogurt
203. Tug The Slug
204. Twang The Wire
205. Tweak Your Twinkie
206. Twist Your Crank
207. Unloading The Gun
208. Varnish The Flagpole
209. Wake The Dead
210. Walk The Dog
211. Walk The Plank
212. Wank
213. Wank With The One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
214. Wash The Meat
215. Wax The Buick
216. Wax The Carrot
217. Wax The Dolphin
218. Wax The Surfboard
219. Waxin' N' Milkin'
220. Whack Willy
221. Whack It
222. Whack Off
223. Whack The Weasel
224. Whip Off
225. Whip The Dummy
226. Whip The One-Eyed Trouser Snake
227. Whip The One-Eyed Worm
228. Whip The Rat
229. Whip The Stiff
230. Whip The Wire
231. Whip Up Some Sour Cream
232. Whip Your Dripper
233. Whittle The Stick
234. Whizzin' Jism
235. Windsurf On Mount Baldy
236. Wonk Your Conker
237. Work Off
238. Work Things Out
239. Wrestle The Dragon
240. Wrestle The Eel
241. Wrestling With The Bald Champ
242. Wring Out Your Rope
243. Wrist Aerobics
244. Yank
245. Yank Off
246. Yank The Crank
247. Yank The Yoyo
248. Yank Your Plank
249. Wanking
250. Jacking Off
251. Jerking Off
252. Whacking Off
253. Beating Off
254. Beating The Meat
255. Beating The Bishop
256. Saluting The Bishop
257. Slammin' The Ham
258. Stroking Off
259. Making Beef
260. Strokin' Off
261. Jerkin' The Gherkin
262. Pecking At Jimmy
263. Doing The Peter Beater
264. Stroking The Sausage
265. Squeezing The Lizard
266. Bopping The Baloney
267. Wringing The Weasel
268. Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
269. Making A Date With Rosie Redpalm And Her Five Sisters
270. Going Out With Felicia Five Fingers
271. Sharing A Moment With Yourself
272. Making A Choadload
273. Polishing The Baton
274. Churning The Butter
275. Choking Your Chicken
276. Stirring With The Skin Ladle
277. Waxing The Dolphin
278. Making The Puppet Spit
279. Giving Yourself A Hand
280. Making The Sound Of One Hand Clapping
281. Giving Yourself A High Hard One
282. Priming The Pump
283. Whipping Yourself Into A Frenzy
284. Pulling The Pud
285. Doing One-Handed Pull Ups
286. Wringing Out The Old
287. Making Soup For One
288. Getting A Handle On The Situation
289. Squeezing Off A Round
290. Playing Slopscotch
291. Charming The Trouser Snake
292. Making A Mess Of Things
293. Answering The Bone-A-Phone
294. Adjusting The Vertical Hold
295. Getting A Grip On Things
296. Doing The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
297. Palming The Top Card
298. Purging The System
299. Playing Solitaire
300. Making The Cream Rise To The Top
301. Just Add Water
302. Make Your Own Sauce
303. Doing A Load By Hand
304. Getting The Upper Hand
305. Pulling The Porpoise
306. Riding The One Handed Bicycle
307. Taking A Solo On The Skin Flute
308. Cramming For Finals
309. Hitting The Jizm Trail
310. Firing A Protein Torpedo
311. Slip Sliding Away
312. Marching To The Beat Of A Different Drummer
313. Aiming For The Stars
314. Milking It For All It's Worth
315. Stroking The Pony
316. Taking A Shot In The Dark
317. Gland Handling
318. I Wanna Hold My Gland
319. Going For The Gold
320. Taming The Trouser Shrew
321. Wrestling Willie
322. Teasing The Wonder Worm
323. Polishing The Purple-Helmeted Love Warrior
324. Lettin' Ol' Sniffer Out For A Run
325. Making The Swelling Go Down
326. Pleasing The Throbber
327. Heading Yourself Off At The Pass
328. Bringing It On Home
329. Cramping Your Style
330. 5 Digit Disco
331. Buzzing The Honey Hole
332. Backslappin' Betty
333. Bailing Out The Gravy Boat
334. Beaver Bashin'
335. Bouncing The Bearded Clam
336. Buffing The Box
337. Buffing The Jewel
338. Butter Schlopping
339. Buttering Up The Whisker Biscuit
340. Clam Twiddlin' Jamboree
341. Critter Crammin'
342. Damming The Beaver
343. Dialing "O" On The Little Pink Telephone
344. Diddling Miss Daisy
345. Diggin' For Clams
346. Digitis Erectus
347. Drillin' For Oil
348. Feeding The Love Monster
349. Fingering The Fountain
350. Friday Night Lip Service
351. Frosting The Muffin Of Love
352. Giving Herself The Finger
353. Going For The Gooey Duct
354. Impeaching Bush
355. Juicing The Clam
356. Letting Her Fingers Do The Walking
357. Lip Smacking M
358. Swearing in the Purple Helmet Warrior
359. Making The Kitten Purr
360. Ménage A'mois
361. Performing A Pearl Jam
362. Petting The Kitty
363. Piddly Diddler
364. Playin' The Slots
365. Playing The Squeezebox
366. Pokin' The Pie
367. Polishing The Little Pink Pearl
368. Pumping The Kooter
369. Punchin' The Chipmunk
370. Reading In Braille
371. Riding The Clitoris-Sauras
372. Romancing Thy Own
373. Roughing Up The Suspect
374. Scrubbin' The Cake Pan
375. Self-Guided Tuna Boat Tour
376. Slopping The Hog
377. Smacking Jerry Garcia On The Nose
378. Smacking The Clam
379. Spanking Lucy
380. Splitting The Stocks
381. Spreading The Joy
382. Stirring The Cauldron
383. Stroking The Newt
384. Ticklin' The Taco
385. Tissue Tickling
386. Twiddlin' The Bean
387. Twirling The Pearl
388. Unbuttoning The Fur Coat
389. Doin' The Han Solo
390. Doing Your Homework
391. Drilling For Oil
392. Fastening The Chin Strap On The Helmet Of Love
393. Fire The Surgeon General
394. Fishing With Dynamite
395. Helping Put Mr. Kleenex's Kids Through College
396. Holding Your Own
397. Left To Your Own Devices
398. Liquidating The Inventory
399. Making A Cash Withdrawal
400. Minding Your Own Business
401. Pat The Robertson
402. Playing Solitaire
403. Putting Your Thumb In The Porridge
404. Raining On Your Parade
405. Relishing Your Hot Dog
406. Rubbing Yourself Until You Have An Orgasm Sampling The Secret
Sauce 407. Shooting Yourself In The Foot
408. Spending Your Christmas Bonus
409. Stewing In Your Own Juices
410. Summoning The Genie
411. Taking A Load Off
412. Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands
413. Toying With Your Death Star
414. Using The Force
415. Varnishing The Banister
416. Wrestling With Your Emotions
417. Working Up A Foamy Lather
418. Arm-Wrestle With Your One-Eyed Vessel
419. Attack The One-Eyed Purple-Headed Warrior
420. Audition The Finger Puppets
421. Audition Your Hand Puppet
422. Backstroke Roulette
423. Bash The Candle
424. Battle With The Purple Helmeted Warrior Of Love
425. Be Your Own Best Friend
426. Beat Off
427. Beat The Bishop
428. Beat The Bologna
429. Beat The Dummy
430. Beat The Meat
431. Beat The Pud
432. Beat The Stick
433. Beat Up Your Date
434. Beef Tips Stroking Off
435. Bleed The Weed
436. Blow Your Load
437. Blow Your Own Horn
438. Bludgeon The Beefsteak
439. Bop The Bologna
440. Bop The Bonzo
441. Box The Jesuit
442. Box With Richard
443. Buff The Banana
444. Bugger Your Hand
445. Burp The Baby
446. Burp The Worm
447. Butter The Corn
448. Caning The Vandal
449. Charm The Snake
450. Check For Testicular Cancer
451. Cheese Off
452. Choke Kojak
453. Choke The Chicken
454. Choke The Sheriff And Wait For The Posse To Come
455. Clamp The Pipe
456. Clean Your Rifle
457. Clear The Snorkel
458. Climb The Tree
459. Closet Frisbee
460. Come Into Your Own
461. Cook The Cream Of Cock
462. Corral Your Tadpole
463. Couch Hockey For One
464. Crank The Love Pump
465. Crank The Shank
466. Crimp The Wire
467. Crown The King
468. Cuddle The Kielbasa
469. Cuff The Carrot
470. Daisy-Chaining
471. Date Miss Michigan
472. Date Mrs. Palmer And Her Five Daughters
473. Date Rosie Palm And Her Five Sisters
474. Defrosting The Fridge
475. Diddle
476. Digital Penile Oscillation
477. Do It Your Way
478. Do Handiwork
479. Do The White Knuckler
480. Do The Janitor Thing
481. Drain The Monster
482. Dry Humping The Ottoman
483. Electing The President
484. Engage In Safe Sex
485. Exercise One's Right
486. Feed The Ducks
487. Fiddle The Flesh Flute
488. Fist Fuck
489. Fist Your Mister
490. Five Knuckle Shuffle
491. Five-Knuckle-Shuffle On The Old Piss Pump
492. Flick Your Bic
493. Fling Your Phallus
494. Flip The Bishop
495. Flog The Bishop
496. Flog The Dog
497. Flog The Dolphin
498. Flog The Dong
499. Flog The Hog
500. Flog The Log
501. Flog The Mule
502. Fly Fishing
503. Fondle Your Flagpole
504. Free Willy
505. Teasing the Trouser Trout
506. Frost The Pastries
507. Gallop The Antelope
508. Gallop The Old Lizard
509. Genital Stimulation Via Phallengetic Motion
510. Get A Date With Slick Mittens
511. Get Chafed
512. Get Off
513. Get The German Soldier Marching
514. Get To Know Yourself
515. Get Your Pole Varnished
516. Give It A Tug
517. Give Your Low Five
518. Go A Couple Of Rounds With Ol' Josh
519. Go Blind
520. Go On A Date With Fisty Palmer
521. Go On A Date With Handrea And Palmela
522. Go The Blow
523. Goose The Gherkin
524. Grease The Pipe
525. Hack The Hog
526. Hand Job
527. Hand Shandy
528. Hard Labor
529. Have One Off The Wrist
530. Hitchhike To Heaven
531. Hitchhike Underneath The Big Top
532. Hold The Bishop
533. Hold The Sausage Hostage
534. Hone The Cone
535. Honk Your Horn
536. Hug The Hog
537. Human Version Of Autoexec.Bat
538. Hump Your Hose
539. Jack Hammer
540. Jack Off
541. Jazz Yourself
542. Jerk
543. Jerk Jamby
544. Jerk It
545. Jerk Off
546. Jerk The Gherkin
547. Jizzlob
548. Jocelyneldering
549. Kick Your Roommate Out For Five To Ten Minutes To "Call Your Parents"
550. Look For Ticks
551. Lope The Mule
552. Love The Muppet
553. Love's Labors Lost
554. Make A Foreskin Cone
555. Make Instant Pudding
556. Make The Bald Man Puke
557. Making Soup
558. Mangle The Midget
559. Manipulate The Mango
560. Manual Labor
561. Manual Override
562. Master Bacon, Meet Rosie Hancock
563. Meat With Mother Thumb And Her Four Daughters
564. Milk The Lizard
565. Milk The Cow
566. Milk The Moose
567. Milk The Self
568. Milking The Lizard
569. Mount A Corporal And Four
570. Much Goo About Nothing
571. Nerk Your Throbber
572. Null The Void
573. Oil The Glove
574. Onan's Olympics
575. One Gun Salute
576. One Man Band
577. One-Night-Stand With Yourself
578. Pack Your Palm
579. Paddle The Pickle
580. Paint The Ceiling
581. Paint The Pickle
582. Palm The Calm
583. Peel Some Chilis
584. Peel The Banana
585. Perform Diagnostics On Your Mantool
586. Pet The Lizard
587. Pip The Pumpkin
588. Play Uno
589. Play A Little Five-On-One
590. Play A One Stringed Guitar
591. Play Five Against One
592. Play In A One-Man Show
593. Play Peek-A-Boo
594. Play Pocket Pinball
595. Play Pocket Pool
596. Play Tag With The Pink Torpedo
597. Play The Skin Flute
598. Play Tug-O-War With Cyclops
599. Play With Your Turtle (For Uncircumcised Guys)
600. Playing The One-Stringed Melody
601. Please Your Pisser
602. Plunk Your Twanger
603. Polish Percy In Your Palm
604. Polish The Rocket
605. Polish The Family Jewels
606. Polish The Helmet
607. Polish The Rock-Hard Staff Of St. Peter
608. Polish The Rocket
609. Polish The Sword
610. Pound Off
611. Pound The Bald-Headed Moose
612. Pound The Pud
613. Pound Your Flounder
614. Pound Your Pud
615. Prepare The Carrot
616. Prime The Pump
617. Pull Off
618. Pull Rank
619. Pull The Bologna Pony
620. Pull The Carrot
621. Pull The Cord
622. Pull The Goalie
623. Pull The Pole
624. Pull The Pope
625. Pull The Pud
626. Pull Your Own Leg
627. Pull Your Prick
628. Pull Your Taffy
629. Pump The Python
630. Pump The Stump
631. Punch The Clown
632. Punch The Munchkin
633. Punish Percy In Your Palm
634. Ram The Ham
635. Relieve Tension
636. Ride The Great White Knuckler
637. Roll Your Own
638. Romeo And Himself
639. Rope The Pony
640. Rope The Pope
641. Rub Off
642. Rub One Out
643. Rub The Pink Eraser
644. Run Off A Batch By Hand
645. Sacrifice Sperm To The God Of Lonely Nights
646. Safest Sex
647. Sand Wood
648. Scour The Tower Of Power
649. Scratch The Itch
650. Secret Handshake
651. Self Abuse
652. Self-Induced Penile Regurgitation
653. Sex With Someone You Really Love
654. Shag
655. Shake Hands With Abe Lincoln
656. Shake Hands With Yul Brynner
657. Shake Hands With The Midget
658. Shake Hands With The Unemployed
659. Shake Hands With Your John Thomas
660. Shake Hands With Your Wife's Best Friend
661. Shake The Sauce
662. Shake The Sausage
663. Shake The Snake
664. Shaling The Snake
665. Shellac The Shillelagh
666. Shemp The Hog
667. Shift Gears
668. Shine The Helmet
669. Shine Your Pole
670. Shoot For The Moon
671. Shoot Putty At The Moon
672. Shoot The Airplane
673. Shuck Your Corn
674. Slakin' The Bacon
675. Slam The Ham
676. Slam The Salami
677. Slam The Salmon
678. Slam The Spam
679. Slap High Fives With Yul Brynner
680. Slap It
681. Slap Pappy
682. Slap The Carrot
683. Slap The Clown
684. Slap The Donkey
685. Slap The Pud
686. Slap The Purple Headed Yogurt Pistol
687. Slap The Salami
688. Sling The Jelly
689. Smack Off
690. Smack The Salami
691. Snap The Monkey
692. Snap The Rubber
693. Snap The Whip
694. Solo Flight
695. Solo Marathon
696. Solo Sex
697. Spank Frank (Or Elvis)
698. Spank The Bishop
699. Spank The Frank
700. Spank The Monkey
701. Spank The Salami
702. Spank The Wank
703. Squeeze The Cheese
704. Squeeze The Juice
705. Squeeze The Toothpaste In The Middle Of The Tube
706. Squeeze Your Cheese-Dog
707. Stinky Pinky
708. Stir The Batter
709. Stir The Yogurt
710. Strain The Main Vein
711. Stroke It
712. Stroke Off
713. Stroke The Carrot
714. Stroke The Dog
715. Stroke The Mole
716. Stroke The One-Eyed Burping Gecko
717. Stroke The Satin-Headed Serpent
718. Stroke Your Poker
719. Stroke Your Twinkie
720. Strumming The One String Harp
721. Take Matters Into Your Own Hands
722. Take Part In Population Control
723. Take The Fifth
724. Take The Monster For A One-Armed Ride
725. Talk Quietly To Yourself
726. Tame The Shrew
727. Taunt The One-Eyed Weasel
728. Tease The Weenie
729. Tenderize The Tube Steak
730. Test The Testicles
731. Test Your Batteries
732. That Crazy Hand Jive
733. The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
734. The Art Of Unisex
735. The Five Knuckle Shuffle
736. Thrash Your Thing
737. Thump The Pump
738. Thump Your Thong
739. Tickle The Ivory
740. Tickle The Pickle
741. Tickle The Taco
742. Ticklewigglejigglepickle
743. Toss Off
744. Toss The Snag
745. Wag The Dog
746. Southen Handshake
747. Southpaw Salute
748. Singing With The Barbershop Quintet