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We're doomed! -C3PO, Star Wars Learn to lose, it's easier that way. -Everything Old is New Again, the Barenaked Ladies I only wear these crop tops because other clothes would make me sweat when I dance. -Britney Spears We want to evolve; like the Stones. -Justin Timberlake You mean, like a book? -Justin Timberlake upon being asked what he had read in the last year that he admired. The Chad is Stuck. -Chad (or Tom Green.) in Charlie's Angels or a prophetic look at the American elections. I'm so in love with my brother right now. -Angelina Jolie Kittens can happen to anyone. -Paul Grallico Whenever the cat of the house is black, the lasses of lovers will have no lack. -Folk Saying It is bad luck to see a white cat at night. -American Superstition If a cat washes behind its ears, it will rain. -Superstition (Uh... If this were true we'd have a worldwide flood...) A cat sleeping with all fours tucked in means cold weather ahead. -Superstition To err is human, to purr is feline. -Robert Byrne A dog is a dog, a bird is a bird, and a cat is human. -Mugsy Peabody No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat; no amount of masking tape can ever fully remove its fur from your couch. -Leo Dworken When rats infest the house, a lame cat is better than the swiftest horse. -Chinese proverb Even the smallest feline is a work of art. -Leonardo DaVinci There are two means of refuge from the miseries in life: music and cats. -Albert Schweitzer Cats can be very funny and have the oddest way of showing they're happy to see you. -W. H. Auden Cats are a mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of. -Sir Walter Scott If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat. -Mark Twain Honest as the cat when the meat is out of reach. -English saying In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats. -English saying They say the true test of literary power is whether or not a man can write an inscription; I say, can he name a kitten? -Samuel Butler The greatest mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become domesticated. -Sir Compton Mackenzie 'Meow' is like 'Aloha': It can mean anything. Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. -Bruce Graham There is nothing in the animal world, to my mind, more delightful than grown cats at play. They are so swift and light and graceful, so subtle and designing, and yet so richly comic. -Monica Edwards A little drowsing cat is an image of perfect beatitude. -Champfleury Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he like, when and how he like, and as much as he likes? -Fernand Mery When it comes to knowing how to relax, cats are the original yoga experts. -Patricia Curtis "I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned;
in fact, I didn't even know that cats could grin." Cats find malicious amusement in doing what they are not wanted to do, and that with an affection of innocence that materially aggravates their deliberate offense. -Helen Winslow Cats hate a closed door, you know, regardless of which side they're on. If they're out, they want to get in, and if they're in, they want to get out. -Lillian Jackson Braun Some people say that cats are sneaky evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -Missy Dizick Let us be honest; most of us rather like our cats to have a streak of wickedness. I should not feel quite easy in the company of any cat that walked around the house with a saintly expression. -Beverly Nichols Cats, as a class, have never completely got over the snootiness caused by the fact that in Ancient Egypt they were worshiped as gods. This makes them prone to set themselves up as critics and erring human beings whose lot they share. -P.G. Wodehouse In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat. -Warren Eckstein The cat is a character of being; the dog is a character of doing. -Michael J. Rosen Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. -Jeff Valdez Cats are the absolute narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll in dead fish. -James Gorman If cats were human they'd watch "Masterpiece Theatre," drive a German import car, belong to a country club, melt Brie before serving, subscribe to The New York Times Book Review every Sunday, and think Harley-Davidson was a law firm. Dogs on the other hand would watch "Roseanne," belong to the Price Club, have a plastic liner in their pocket for their leaky pen, and consider Pavarotti an Italian entree. -Erma Bombeck Dogs come when they're called, cats take a message and get back to you. -Warren Eckstein If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer. -A. N. Whitehead The cat could very well be man's best friend, but he would never stoop to admit it. -Doug Larson Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. -Duffy
Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst Please provide the date of your death. -from an IRS letter I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. -Dan Quayle On Y2K: How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and
Microsoft? -Al Gore A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -Samual Goldwyn It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago... -Dan Quayle We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. -Jason Kidd Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances. -Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. -Dan Quayle The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. -Dan Quayle
Referring to Latin America May our nation continue to be the beacon of hope to the world. -The
Quayle's 1989 Christmas card Getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise
precision. -Vice President Dan Quayle We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. -Dan Quayle The future will be better tomorrow. -Dan Quayle I was known as the chief grave robber of my state. -Dan Quayle We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. -Dan Quayle The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -Dan Quayle after the San
Francisco earthquake I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. -Dan Quayle I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president. -Dan Quayle Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters! -Dan Quayle giving an
intelligent, in-depth analysis of the LA riots Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our
women. -Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer I deserve respect for the things I did not do. -Dan Quayle This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. -Dan Quayle The internet is a great way to get "on the net". -Bob Dole The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes
than others. -Gerry Brown It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. -George Bush We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? -Lee
Lacocca I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
-Richard Nixon I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version. -Colonel Oliver North, from his
Iran-Contra testimony We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing
to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. -Parish
Magazine Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word
only: Super Bowl. -Bill Peterson, football coach Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
different, but it's got a particularly unique situation. -Dan Quayle, US VP Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it. -Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher,
ordering a salad at a restaurant We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty
equally. -Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein. -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. -Ivana Trump,
upon finishing her first novel I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of
continents. -George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. -Dan Quayle We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. -Dan
Quayle Potatoe -Dan Quayle The road of good intentions is paved with Hell. -Spencer Ante If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke
Shields It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it. -Dan Quayle Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. -Keppel
Enderbery What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is. -Dan Quayle The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a
woman. -Rear Admiral James R. Hogg I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -Dan Quayle We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr.
Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that
Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce. -Correction Notice in the Ely
Standard, a British newspaper If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. -Mark S. Fowler, FCC
Chairman Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?' -Student
Bloopers Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. -Batman Costume warning label Caution: May cause drowsiness -Nyquil label Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -Margaret Mead The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy- but that could change -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. -Dan Quayle For NASA, space is still a high priority. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. -Dan Quayle The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make. -Dan Quayle We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. -Governor George W. Bush, Jr. A leopard never changes his stripes. -Al Gore I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. -Dan Quayle China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -Charles de Gaulle Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. -Dwight D. Eisenhower Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded -Yogi Berra You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle -Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to. -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon on his trip to Greece As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet. -Al Gore to Katie Couric 3/99 "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." -Vice
President Al Gore If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum. --George Muncaster (Air Force Wisdom) A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. --Robert Frost You know the hardest thing about having cerebral
palsy and being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got
pierced ears. --Geri Jewell My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. --Erma Bombeck Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the
trees, then names the streets after them. --Bill Vaughan What do you call people who are afraid of Santa
Claus? Claustrophobic. --Unknown Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have. --Unknown Everything is funny as long as it is happening to
somebody else. --Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) My mother buried three husbands, and two of them
were just napping. --Rita Rudner Organized crime in America takes in over forty
billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen Once you can accept the universe as matter
expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
--Albert Einstein The fact that no one understands you doesn't make
you an artist. --Unknown People who never get carried away should be.
--Malcolm Forbes When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager
said that further steps would be taken --Unknown The shortest distance between two points is under
construction. --Noelie Altito I don't intend for this to take on a political
tone. I'm just here for the drugs. --Nancy Reagan, former First Lady
I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing
sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams, Author,
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy
...I'd have nothing to play with. --Rodney Dangerfield Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the
children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. --Ken Dodd One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any
moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear
--J.B. Morton My formula for success is rise early, work late,
and strike oil --Paul Getty USA Today has come out with a new survey:
Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein Our local Catholic church has plans to bring
their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit
--Robert Tanner When on the ladder of success, don't let boys
look up your dress! --Unknown Some say the glass is half empty, some say the
glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that? --Lisa Claymen A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must
be lead. --Stan Laurel Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. --Roseanne Thus the metric system did not really catch on in
the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9
millimeter bullet. --Dave Barry One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a
mule, and on every side of a fool --Edgar Watson Howe Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
--Unknown Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly
from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger --Franklin P. Jones
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant,
and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. --Jack Handey,
Deep Thoughts Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14, Advice from Kids A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play
catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my
prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down
the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" --Linda Ellerbee
If you want to be liked, get a dog. The people
you work with are not your friends. --Deborah Norville Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound.
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm Every new beginning is from some other
beginning's end. -Closing Time, Semisonic Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.
-Simeon Strunsky |
