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I am the ultimate loser
Friday, 11 July 2003

In the midst of all my self-loathing and such, I play one sport. That sport, of course, being soccer (or "football" for you bizarre, foreign scallywags). I'm not quite a prodigy on the ol' pitch, but I'm damn close. In order to retain my god-like skills on the soccer field, I must practice each day, rain or shine. For you see, today I paracticed for some two hours in the pouring rain. Which brings me to my point (all that jabberwock about soccer was greatly exaggerated so as to build to this amazingly climactic insight); rain kicks ass.

Dont you think so too? I would much rather look out the window and see rain than sunshine, no contest. Reminds me of s story *as he strokes his long grey beard*


Once when it was raining at school I heard an absurdly hot cheerleader complaining about the lack of "nice" weather.

"Rain is stupid, and I am hot," she said (or something to that effect; I don't think she actually said "I am hot" but that fact computed in my brain ragardless)

"Rain makes me really sad, It makes me just wanna crawl in bed and cry," she muttered to a slightly less hot friend as she looked out the window.
Resisting the urge to tell her I'd be happy to crawl in bed with her to keep her company until the storm passes, I decided to tell her my thoughts rain instead.

"Rain kicks ass," I said, monotone style, not bothering to elaborate. Looking back now, I'm amazed at how I fit such a great amount of wit and charm into just three words. I'm sure you're amazed too; It's all in my impeccable (I have no fucking clue if I spelled that right) choice of words.

"How can you say that," she stuttered, obviously shocked and horrified that I had been listening in to her conversation, "Everytime it rains, it means an angel's crying"

I think she was actually being serious; for all the world, it looked like she was about to cry herself. I thought about saying "rain kicks ass" again, but seeing as how the blatantly contradictory approach didn't exactly win her over the first time, I figured this time I'd use the blatantly contradictory approach with a bit fucked up humor.

"Seriously?" I said, "awesome, let's go piss off some more angels then , shall we?". I had an innocent smile on my face like my pathetic attempt at humor was no different than a knock-knock joke.

This girl just stared at me for like three solid minutes.
"God forgives only those who ask forgiveness," she said, still staring at me.

I couldn't help but think this was somehow hillarious, and I couldn't hold back,"Jesus Christ!" I burst and laughed so loud it was absolutely embarassing (a bunch of people turned around). I put a hand over my mouth to stop myself.

"Are you even a Christian or are you an Atheist or something??" she asked really loud (everybody was watching now)

Something about the way she said "Atheist" made all the thoughts of this conversation being funny (which it absolutely had been up until now) in my head go away. She said it like an "atheist" is somehow automatically less of a person than a "christian".

"Wait a sec, Katie," I said (I should be applauded for getting all the way to the heart of my story before mentioning the chick's name; or maybe booed, I meant to tell it earlier). It's not that I don't like disrespect, hell I'm one of it's biggest fans; it's that I dont like misguided, elitest, or completely blind disrespect. Listen to "Judith" by A Perfect Circle to see what I'm talkin about (sorta).
"Well, are you a Christain?" I asked, even though I knew the answer I'd get.

"Yes!" she said, "and that's why I'm going to God's kingdom," she was so intense now that I wondered If I should just shut up and write this down as the day that I completely mutilated any chance of ever getting to bang one of the hottest chicks I'd ever met. But then I figured that this would go down as said day anyway I look at it, so I might as well keep talking.

"Do you think only Christians get to go to good ol' heaven," I asked with a minute amount of misplaced mockery.

"That's right," she said, "only Christians"

The room was so silent I could fucking hear the tension.

"Well, regarding this heaven" I whispered (at least I thought I was whispering, but it seemed the walls were magnifying all this shit so the world could hear), "If all Christians are stuck up, arrogant, elitist, hypocritical bitches like you, I think I'd rather have a fucking orgy with Abe Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, John Lennon, Ghandi (basically all the famous non-Christian good folks I could think of off-hand; I was quite unsure about Ghandi and Disney, but in the heat of the moment nobody tried to correct me) and that three horned son of a bitch Lucifer; down in the bordellos of Hell." I would imagine there aren't any boardellos or such in heaven, so I guess that's an upside to the downside (Hell), if you will. It would've been nice if I'd thought of some nontheist girls to mention soo I wouldn't have to totally reverse my sexual orientation to make a point, but oh well.

That wondrous conversation ended right there, and landed me in the principal's office, where I made up some bullshit about how Katie (who awkardly enough was still sitting right next to me) had attacked my beliefs (as if I had any). I didn't bother mentioning what beliefs these were, for fear of offending the asshole (or making him mad, I should say). Katie was balling her eyes out at this point, which made me feel sorta bad, but not really. The funny thing was, she was crying so damn hard that she couldn't even talk enough to tell her side of the story, so the principal had to believe me. The principal told me to go back to class, and that he would talk to Katie after I left.

I had barely gotten down one hall, when I was called back to the office. Apparently, with my ghastly presence extinguished, Katie had found the will to talk, and likely told Mr. Principal that I wanted to have sex with Satan, or something along those lines; cuz when I got back in, he walked over, slammed the door shut behind me and stared right into my eyes.

"Prepare the stake. For God's wishes must be realized. !!!!BURN THE INFIDEL!!!!"

OSS = Out of school suspension, mother fucking suspension for that shit. Of course Katie got off with nothing, no punishment. Oh well.

On my days off I played a hellalot o' guitar, so it wasn't all bad.


Sorry about that boring ass story (how the hell did all that stem from me playin' soccer), but it was totally non-fiction.

Couple notes about the story:

-the teacher was in the classroom the whole fucking time, she just let us go until we were all done and then sent us to the office

-This one's fuckin' weird, but true as hell: it rained everyday after this for like two weeks

-Katie moved away a couple months later (when the school year ended), so it wasn't that big a deal that I ruined my chances with her, right? (I'm such a loser)

-Remember the slightly less hot chick Katie was talking to originally. She and I became really good friends soon after this.

-The principal and I became like the worst of adversaries. The day I came back he told me to go to counselling. I told him I didn't need counseling. He just tried to stare me down. I didn't go to counseling. Everyday afterwards when i walked past him, he'd shake his head in disgust. What a tool.

-When I came back I expected to be stoned and shit (and I ain't talkin' joints and bongs here) by everybody who knew what happened, but it seemed like everybody sorta respected where I came from (wherever the hell that is). Infact, I had a couple people (two that I can think of) tell me that it was cool how I stood up for my beliefs in a place where most wouldn't agree with them (again I had to wonder what the hell beliefs these folks were talkin about, but still I can take a compliment).

-I never again spoke to Katie. Neither of us apologized or anything. I'd still like to do her though. I think it'd be ultra cool if I met her a few years from now, and we became friends, and then fucked. That'd cap off this story awesome


Posted by bug/menacing_duck at 2:29 AM
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Tuesday, 8 July 2003
Three greatest bands of all time: The Beatles, The Smiths, and The Radiohead
This is my first entry on what is quite possibly going to be the single worst, most horrible, hanus, ghastly website to ever enter sad existance. Such a website should, immediately upon being introduced to harsh reality (you), begin an exhaustive campaign to seek out and destroy it's asshole of a creator. Unfortunately for alleged website, though, it's creator does not know enough HTML to equip the website with the means of destroying it's creator. What a horrendous state to be in.

Enough about this doomed website; it's time to talk about me. I intend to tell you all (that's right, alllllllll of you, every single one; if you want to count all the peuny minds that will learn of the me, you'd best seek out a calculator) about myself in the coming days and weeks (until i can get a job anyway). I shall rant on about fascinatingly uninteresting things until your stomach feels nautious. I shall speak of myself with such amazing gall, arrogance and brazen assurance that you will likely spit on the screen in disgust.

Oh, but I beguile (that means trick, man this guy's got a hell of a voacabulary) thee. For my rants shall be of a jovial nature; pleasant to type and undoubtedly pleasant to read. Like a cool breeze on a hot summer eve in Honolulu, and we all know how good that feels.

Ha, that last paragraph was obviously spoken in jest. It'll never happen again, I'm usually verrrrry serious, almost......creepy. This website will the epitome of unpleasantness, scarifulness, nongleefulness, antijovialation and......yep, that's right: weirdity. Look out, normal people. For I am unsullied by the impurities of society. I am the antithesis of all you consider real. I have been stricken be dementia. RUN AWAY WHILE YOU CAN

Posted by bug/menacing_duck at 2:54 AM
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