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Rants
Bling-Bling cars = small penis Doing my part |
The U.S. propaganda mill in conjunction with Office for a drug-free America has released a television commercial stating that if you buy drugs, you're helping terrorists. It ends with the statement "Have you ever wondered where terrorists get their money from? If you buy drugs, it could come from you. This got me thinking about how I could help fight the war on terrorism and be the patriotic pillar of my community I always knew I could be. At first I couldn't think of any way I could possibly help fight terrorists because I am only one person, i'm fairly weak, too timid to fight/harass/spy on strangers for looking like they may be of middle-eastern descent, and I'm vegan, which by definition makes me a wussy-boy because real men like eating charred animal flesh and cardio-vascualr disease. In despair I walked into the shower, then walked back out ten minutes later in naked patriotic triumph! While I was cleansing myself of the anti-patriotic taint I had accumulated over the day (it's everywhere on college campuses I have heard), I had managed to come up with not one or two good ideas, but three!
The first idea came to me while I was sitting on the toilet taking my morning poop, so I guess they didn't all come to me while I was in the shower. But while I was shitting, I remebered something I learned in my high school economoics class: Nation's can make money by selling the goods they produce to other nations at an infllated rate, creating what economists call a PROFIT. It all became clear to me, every time I wanted to buy something at a store, I would check as many products as I could to find out what country they were made in. Any product made in a country:
It would be pretty short-sighted of me to go out and use the money I made helping Uncle Rambo, oh, ooops, I mean Sam, to buy drugs that came from a terrorist-sympathizing country. So my next idea was to make sure I only bought drugs that come from good ol' America, Mexico, or South America(everyone knows Zapaistas are fictitious anyways. Like OUR president would REALLY give guns to murderous rebels in order to acheive our own selfish goals). This was a hard decision for me to make because If you know me, you know I just lovesssss the Afghani Opium, but hey, this is war, we need to make some sacrifices for "the boys" on the front lines. So know on, whenever I buy my drugs, I will be sure to ask "Hey Mr. Drug Dealer, this isn't any jihad-loving chronic is it?" I suggest all of you reading this do it too, that way all the Muslims out there will know that though they may try to poison our minds with liberal news like CNN, they can't poison our minds with their Quran Qrank, Al-Qaeda Qrack, or Osama Bin-Marijuana. These two strategies of mine will no doubt make lots of Arabian drug dealers/merchants very angry, which is why I have point three of my plan. My final idea was to distribute guns to children via the public school system. This is such a brilliant idea it's amazing no one has thought of it yet. I mean really, who would suspect a kid of "packing the heat". We'd catch any suicide bombers or militant Islamics totally by surprise. A famous man once said "Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted." that man was V.I. Lenin. The only problem is that it was translated from Russian, so we must assume that by saying "Give me four years to teach the children" he meant "Give me guns to give to the children" and by "and the seed I have sewn will never be uprooted", he meant "and I can train them to shoot bad people for us like wee little Gestapo." So there you have it, undeniable-proof that we should, nay must give guns to our children. I mean, it's V.I. Lenin, the mother Theresa of the 20th century, and the father of communism, so if he's for it, shouldn't we be? |