(Starring *NSYNC! YAY!) :)
This was the original movie script before James Cameron decided that Justin Timberlake was not exactly leading man material, mainly because he told him that the gigantic peice of jewelry would be worn by the GIRL in this movie, NOT by him. Poor Poodle. (LOOK MOMMY IT'S A POODLE POPSICLE!) Now read on! Enjoy DAMMIT OR ELSE! :)
(Britney Spears stands on the dock of the Titanic, and flips her blond hair extensions)
Britney Spears: Gee, gosh, that is a BIG ship!
Ship mate number one: Hence the "Titanic".
Britney Spears: Why didn't you just call it "The Great Big Floating Thing"? I don't get it.
(JC Chasez steps out of the carriage and rolls his eyes at his traveling companion's comment.)
JC: Quick let's get on before they take MY stuff. Like MY cabin, and MY dinner reservations, and MY teddy bear.
(They board).
(Justin Timberlake jumps Celine Dion for her ticket aboard the ship.)
Justin: Yo, bitch, you be too old to be boardin' dis fly ship! Gimme!
Celine: Near, Far... HEY YOU PRICK!
(Justin runs on board.)
(Lance, Chris and Joey step out of a carriage.)
Chris: You think we'll sell many trees in America?
Lance: Well, I don't know, I think they got some there.
Joey: I Love my Duck!
Chris: Tell me you didn't bring that thing did you?
Joey: Guess!
Chris: Oh God.
Joey: MY Duck! Heehee... (hugs rubber duckie.)
Chris: You need to stop hanging around JC.. Oh wait, we're not supposed to know him yet are we? DAMN! Get yourself a real friend, like a TREE! I love you, Bonzai!
(The three board the ship.)
(Cut to scene with Britney Spears standing on the deck of the Titanic ready to plunge herself into the waves below.)
Britney: I hope my plastic surgeon was right and these don't cause me to float!
(Just then, Justin appears from behind Celine Dion!)
Celine: Near, Far... (Justin Pushes her over.) AHHHHHHHH!
Justin: Yo what da fuck a fly honey like you be doin on the edge of dis big floaty thang? Them tits of yours is causin' da propellas to spin in de air!
Britney: Huh? I was thinking.
Justin: You look cold, come ova here and let Thrustin Justin be yo' coat.
Britney: Um, I don't understand anything you're saying, but okay!
(Just then Britney slips and grabs a hold of the bar railing.)
Justin: Yo, bitch! You didn't tell me you could pole dance! Word.
Britney: GET ME UP! I'M GETTING WET!
Justin: Yeah yeah yeah... I'll get you up cause yo, I already be up and how could you not be wet wit dis fine fro round you?
Britney: OH my hero!
(They fuck. Let's not go there, it's disgusting.)
(cut to JC Chasez sitting in the smoking lounge.)
JC: Get that thing out of my face! I can't be smoking! I'm the next Richard Marx! I have the best voice in *NSY... in the WORLD! No, in the UNIVERSE!
Waiter: Sir, can I offer you a drink, you seem a tad highstrung.
JC: NO! I must maintain my pure boyband image!
Waiter: Riiiiiiiiiight. Then can I interest you in a hot pocket, an Eggo perhaps?
JC: No thank you, I already have an ego the size of Minneapolis.
(cut to cramped quarters of Chris, Lance and Joey.)
Chris: Joey! Get up you're squishing Bonzai, she needs her air!
Joey: DUCK!
Chris: Don't you throw that thing at me mister!
Lance: I'm from Mississippi.
Chris: SHUT UP NO ONE CARES! PRETEND YOU'RE FROM IRELAND OR SOMETHING!
Joey: My Duck is made in Taiwan. Does that mean he's Taiwanian?
Lance: This isn't the Mississippi River.
Chris: DUH! We're in TITANIC, we're on the Atlantic Ocean! That's what I have been trying to tell you guys! We're going from Europe to America and we're PRETENDING to be other people, European people, people that would buy our FIRST album! That is why I am carrying this BONZAI TREE! (dramatic pause.)
Joey: Duck.
(cut to Justin and Britney, with Justin drawing Britney.)
Justin: Look, I gave you pigtails!
Britney: What? I was thinking. Why am I naked? I don't get it.
Justin: (scratches his head with his pencil) Damn lost another one.
Britney: What's that it looks like a stick holding two baloons?
Justin: Bitch! Dat be you! I drew you in de abstract yo.
Britney: I do ab crunches, what's ab subtract? Is that a new form of exercise?
Justin: Just lay there an look pretty.
Britney: Okay! (gives him a mean, yet confused-looking, look.)
Justin: NO I SAID PRETTY BITCH!
Britney: Oh, I thought you said "Bitchy, Brit."
Justin: Peep dis, yo. Just lay dere.
Britney: Like I always do?
Justin: YES!
(cut to JC on deck looking for Britney.)
JC: Where is that dumb bitch? I told her that we had dinner reservations at 7:30 sharp!
(JC stamps his foot and the boat shakes violently.)
JC: Damn, I was more pissed than I thought!
Shipmate number one: ICEBERG! We just hit an iceberg!
JC: Oh dang. Where's my teddy?
(cut to Chris, Lance and Joey eating dinner.)
Lance: This is not Mississippi food. I won't eat it.
Chris: Then STARVE YOU BIG BABY! (turns to tree) Come on baby, eat up, you need your strength, you have a BIG day tomorrow!
(Ship rumbles.)
Joey: 'Scuse me.
Chris: That wasn't you!
Joey: Excuse my duck.
Chris: IT WASN'T YOUR GODDAMN DUCK!
Lance: Was that Mississippi?
Chris: I think we hit something.
Joey: Not my duck! I think it was an iceberg.
Chris: That's a stupid idea! There aren't any icebergs in the North Atlantic!
Lance: There once was an iceberg in Mississippi, my brother and I made it one summer...
Chris: What the Hell does that have to do with anything????
(Cut to Britney and Justin, ship rumbles.)
Justin: Oh yeah baby, you made the earth move this time!
Britney: But I thought we were on the floaty thing?
Justin: Oh yeah, whateva.
Britney: (sans "Cruel Intentions") It was like a giant EXPLOSION!
Justin: Yeah baby, Thrustin' Justin hears dat one all de time from ma ho's.
Britney: No silly, I meant the BIG thing!
Justin: Oh yeah, you know it's big bitch!
Britney: Get off of me, I want to go see!
Justin: Hey, you're blue ballin' me bitch! You forgot your clothes!
Britney: That's okay I'll just get them wet anyway, teehee!
(Cut to JC on deck observing the damage done by the iceberg. Looks at a little kid, standing next to him.) JC: Look what you did. I'M TELLING!
Child: You're MEAN! (runs off crying)
JC: That won't make it better! FINE BE THAT WAY!
(Britney runs by naked.)
Britney: Hi JC!
JC: AGH! I've been hit! My face! My pretty pretty face! What did they do stuff those things with buckshot? My poor lovely face... I'm POUTING! SO THERE!
Britney: Look at all the pretty stars! Ooh, maybe I should have taken my clothes! OH well! (continues running around the ship naked.)
Justin: (out of breath) Come back here bitch and finish the job!
JC: Justin?
Justin: Yeah JC?
JC: I'm PISSED! (punches Justin in the face.) Didn't even break a nail.
Justin: YO foo'! Dat's whack! You know she can't control dose thangs!
(JC pulls out a gun and fires 40 times at close range, but still manages to miss Justin every time.)
JC: Oh dang.
(cut to Lance standing in waist high water.)
Lance: This is NOT Mississippi water.
(cut to Joey and Chris trying to climb the water logged staircase.) Chris: Come on little Bonzai, you can do it! I'll never let go! You jump, I jump, promise?
(Joey sees the tree and reaches for it)
Joey: Paddle! Gimme.
Chris: Joey! That is my Bonzai, not your paddle! You have your duck!
Joey: Be free duckie! Fly away! (drops duck in water with a sqeak and a plop.) Aw poop.
Chris: Come on Joey we have to keep on going, we have to get to the top deck and on to a lifeboat!
Joey: Okie dokie, come on duck. Hey Chris?
Chris: Yeah Joey?
Joey: Are we forgetting something?
Chris: No don't think so.
Joey: Okay, just checking.
(cut to Lance.)
Lance: Guys?
(Suddenly! One of JC's stray bullets jumped three levels down and hits Lance right in the heart.)
Lance: This is NOT a Mississippi bullet! Quick let me put on my life preserver, that will stop the bleeding! That's what they taught us in Mississippi Lemming Scouts.
(cut to closeup on JC smiling)
JC: I'm still pretty! Look mommy, my hair hasn't moved once! If anyone asks, Lance broke the boat, but keep it on the downlow...
(cut to Justin and Britney climbing to the top of the sinking vessel.)
Justin: You can do it bitch, you're weighing me down!
Britney: "Cause I'm stonger than yesterday.."
Justin: Yeah yeah, wha? Is dat my necklace bitch! I didn't give dat to you! Get your own!
Britney: But it's so shiny!
Justin: Yo when YOUR band goes diamond, then you can get your own!
Britney: But I don't have a band, only dancers.
(Dancers cut across the sinking ship in nice coreographed moves.)
Britney: See? And I have this tape recorder!
(Tape recorder plays "Stronger")
Britney: Listen! It's ME!
Justin: Yeah, whateva, just get up on dat pole bitch.
Britney: Um, okay!
Justin: And gimme back my necklace!
Britney: Awww...
(cut to JC holding the little kid he yelled at.)
JC: She's all I have... I mean, I'm all she has in the whole wide Universe!
Shipmate number one: Um okay, you can get on.
JC: YAY I WIN! (turns around and blows raspberries at the other passengers, and drops little kid) Oops, oh yeah. (picks kid back up)
(Lifeboat passes by Chris and Joey on the lower levels.)
JC: Neener neener, I WIN!
(Lance float up.)
Joey: Hey look! It's Lance and he found us a lifejacket Chris! Good going buddy!
Chris: Um Joey?
Joey: I know, I know, shhhhh, Lance is sleeping.
Chris: Yeah Joey, come on. You too Bonzai. Yes that's a good Bonzai.
(Duck floats to surface.)
Joey: Duckie came back! YAY YAY YAY YAY!
(cut to Justin in water and Britney on door.)
Britney: Justin? I'm cold.
Justin: Bitch ya got no clothes, I'm in da water and deres icicles in ma fro, I got worse problems dan you!
Britney: Huh? I was thinking.
Justin: (teeth chattering) You could have just fucked me and left me there handcuffed to that pole couldn't you? I would have died happy! BUT NO! Now I'm gonna be frozen fishy food.
Britney: Justin? My hand is frozen to your fro, I can't let go.
Justin: Yeah Bitch I hopes I takes ya down wit me.
(cut to JC in lifeboat.)
JC: (with a big smile) Timberlake's gonna die! My evil plan has worked! (turns to kid) So uh, what's your name? I got nice teeth. Do you have nice teeth? Well, then you can be mine. Your name is MINE and you are MINE, I saved you so there!
Child: You're so immature.
JC: That was not necessary! You're dumb!
Child: Am not.
JC: Are too!
Child: Am not!
JC: Are too!
Child: What's a hippo?
JC: You got me kid, you want to go to Harambe?
Child: Okay!
JC: I LOVE YOU!
Child: Daddy!
JC: MINE!
(they hug.)
(cut to Joey and Chris in water.)
Joey: Good thing Lance let me float on him while he's sleeping, otherwise me and duckie would be really cold!
Chris: (puts his lifejacket on Bonzai) I'll never let go, Bonzai, I'll never let go!
Joey: Chris, you look like a smurf.
Chris: Goodbye, Joey! Take care of Bonzai for me!
(Chris sinks)
Joey: LUNCH! Heehee bye bye, Papa Smurf! I love my duck! THE END!
