11-12-01 You know what I just realized? I'm a very lonely person…damn, I mean you would expect me to do something else than write stupid compositions every day. But, I guess you do feel a lot better just opening up, and releasing some problems you're dealing with. Too bad, I can't really tell other people what' really bothers me and all.. Most of them don't seem to understand. They tend to jump into conclusions, and the others…well .. it just doesn't work. I never really had an easy time opening up to people, sometimes I hide them so well, no one could imagine if I'm going through a problem. That is, till it starts affecting the way you act and all. You tend to drift away from people, just wanting some privacy where you can think openly and relax. Don't get, why people say you're " running away". Maybe there is a fear I have. But I just don't see it yet…and hopefully, I won't have to soon…
He gulped down the uneasy feeling he's been getting lately. That anxiety/ nervous feeling one gets right before a test they haven't study for.
After saying all he had in his mind just then, Nick rested himself on his bed. With his hands covering his face, he releases a sign. Tired, he was, he wanted to sleep all day like usual. He looked back at the shiny leather book cover and tossed his source of escape on to a night stand. Staring at the blank white ceiling, he tries not to think about the other things on his mind. They were, questions he didn't feel he could answer, not yet at least. Although they always stuck there in the back of his head, he could hear them constantly now. Questions, he knew he eventually have to answer, his fear was he wouldn't be able to answer them on time. He didn't seem to know what he wants to do. There's a billion things you can do in your life, he says to himself, I'm happy with the one I have now. A small grin appears on his face but slowly fades as he tries not to accept the fact, it's only temporary. "It all could end in a day…" his brain keeps reminding him. Nick rubs his face with his hands, he wasn't doing anything but just lying there on his pricey bed set in his extravagantly decorated bedroom. He always had something to do, whether it was driving himself to a radio station doing a promotion, or touring with the guys. The feeling that he' didn't have anything to do, seems to make him feel different. The life he has now is his life. Although you know nothing lasts forever, you still would like to stop the clock to live it. What could he possibly do by himself? He grows irritated, and looks around for his phone. His phone was possibly the greatest thing he carries around with. Whenever he was bored, he would call one of the telephone numbers he had with him. Too bad, he doesn't realize that having people around isn't always the source for ending your loneliness. A lesson to learn in life, you would have to feel sorry for someone who just can't bare being alone with themselves. :: Phone rings:: " Sup, this is Nick" " Hey, waddup?" " Not much, just freaking bored…" " Haha, you're always bored, man find something to do." Nick frowns, it was as if his friend was describing a different person, the person he describes in his book…" lonely, bored..etc". Nick Carter always find something to do.. he says to himself. " So, I guess you don't wanna chill? " " Nah man, it's mad early in the morning, Nick.. we came back at like 3, what's up with you? Usually you're sleeping till like 11, its 8 in the morning" " Guess, I couldn't sleep.. I'll talk to you later" Nick replies hanging up shortly. He couldn't accept the fact his friend was right.. " you're always bored". The feeling to admit he was , he avoided. A sense of guilt remains in his stomach, one day, he would have to accept the truth. He felt like a stranger as he looked blankly at the phone. His only resource just then turned him down. Alil disappointed, Nick quickly gets up from his bed. As he stood up, a feeling of nausea takes over him. He had a little less than six hours of sleep. He shook the feeling out of his head for a while, he just needed to leave. "Anything to get away from this place", in which his inner feelings surrounds the walls and his fears builds up the foundation. He walked over to his closet, and got a pair of sweats. It took nearly seconds, as Nick quickly pulled the sweats up, and walked out of his house to his driveway in a black windbreaker and dark gray sweatpants. He pulled a cap on, and clicked the garage remote. The Florida breeze sweeps a smile on his face. He felt alive, although it was a new day, he knew more likely it would turn out to be just like the rest. Only problem, this wasn't going to be like any other day… in fact, it was the beginning of his new life.