It has been 13 years since I last saw him.
He was young and famous. Successful. Now, he’s happily married with a wife and even a kid. But I still can’t forget the way I loved him – and I still do. It’s been so long – and I still remember his touch, his sweet caresses, his kisses, the way he would whisper ‘I love you’ in my ear. I can’t believe that now he’s right in front of me. He’s the only one that I’ve ever loved so much. I didn’t know what to think. All these years I’ve stayed, waiting for him. Hoping that one day he would come back to me. the day he left was the day he told me to wait. And I did – and he kept his word, he did come back. Only now, it’s 13 years later. All that time I was waiting, he never called. I could only keep up with the news about him by doing what every fan did – magazines, TV… etc. I was heartbroken to find that he had a girlfriend and was going to get married soon and I wondered if he had forgotten me. Maybe he avoided me and my country on purpose. I never had a chance to go to any one of their concerts. It was strange staring at him, he still had that boyish look on his face. Should I be happy? During these 13 years, all of my friends had told me to give up on him – but I didn’t. I believed in him. They told me that he wasn’t coming back, they told me to move on and get a grip on my life. But here he was, alive as ever.
Neither of us spoke and I couldn’t help but think that I was dreaming. Maybe he sensed my confusion so he spoke first.
“Lydia?”
All I could do was nod slightly. I didn’t even hear what he had actually said.
“It was hard trying to find you.”
Suddenly, I snapped out of my trance, and grew angry, “What do you mean it was hard trying to find me? I stayed here in this very same house for my whole 30 years! I was scared that you wouldn’t be able to find me! All these years I could’ve had every desirable guy I wanted but I turned them all down because I believed in you! I believed that you would come back to me! And what did I get in return? Loneliness? Craziness? Yes! My friends were all discouraging me to wait but I didn’t listen to them. And eventually, they all turned away from me because all I could ever think of was you! How foolish of me, I wasted my youth, waiting for you while you had fun fooling around with other girls. Did you ever think of me? And now the first thing you say to me is that it was hard to find me? Do you think I’m stupid or something? Do you think that just because I waited for you, for 13 fucking years, I would suck up anything you say?”
“No! No! It’s not like that!” Nick sighed, “it’s a lot more complicated than you think it was. Do you mind if I came in?”
I hesitated. Maybe if I let him in, I wouldn’t be able to control my feelings.
“Please?” Nick gazed pleadingly into my eyes. It reminded me of how we used to be.
“Alright, come on in, but your explanation better be good.” I was actually overwhelmed to just talk to him and I would accept any explanation he had. I caught a quick whiff of his cologne and I felt weak in the knees. All I wanted, was to be able to feel his arms around me again and hear him whisper ‘I love you’ the way he did before. It’s been too long that I’ve been single.
As I led Nick to the den, I told him to sit down and I went to pour him some tea. While pouring the tea into a little flowered cup, I wondered if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t want to be hurt again, I put too much love into this one single guy, and look where that has brought me. I actually wanted to hear Nick’s explanation – why he had kept me waiting for 13 years. Putting the cups onto a clean tray, I took them to the den.
“So what’s your story?” I asked him. He picked up his cup and sipped it.
“First of all, I just want to tell you how sorry I am. But I really didn’t know that you were waiting for me all this time. When I came over here, I was sure that you had gotten married and gone to some other country. A girl like you doesn’t stay single. But it’s not really entirely my fault though, please try to understand.”
I practically exploded, “Not your fault? Not your fucking fault? All these years you could’ve gave me a simple call and tell me that it’s over so that I wouldn’t have to think about you – but NO! You insisted on keeping me here, wondering, ‘does he think of me? Does he still love me? Does he even remember me?’, hanging mid air!”
“I really and truly am sorry Lyd, but–”
“No Nick. I don’t know why I was so lovesick to wait for you for so long. Who was I kidding? I tried every possible way to contact you but I never had a reply. And I couldn’t even be more angry at you for avoiding my country on purpose!”
“It’s not like that! I swear! I didn’t even know I was hurting anyone!”
I snorted, “Whatever.”
“Could you please just listen to me? Please? After you hear what I have to say, you would understand.”
I leaned back and tried not to show much interest, but the truth was, I still couldn’t believe that I was right, he actually came back. I sort of felt proud and I couldn’t help but sneak some glances at him. He had always looked sexy – even in his thirties. It seemed as if I could never get enough of the sight of him. Even if his explanation was totally irrational, I was willing to forgive him anyway.
Nick took a deep breath, “the day I left you was the day I’ve regretted the most in my entire life. My life was a complete lie without you in it. The night before I had spent at your place, so I was to meet the guys at the airport the next day. I got on the taxi, but I didn’t count on the taxi driver to be drunk. He tried to brake in time for a car but then we just spun around because it was raining, eventually, we crashed. The taxi guy had pieces of glass jabbed in his throat so he didn’t make it. Luckily for me, I just fell unconscious. The guys rushed to see me as soon as possible but it was a week later that I woke up – but I didn’t recognize any one of them. I had amnesia.
“Hey, Nick buddy, don’t you remember your best pal?” Brian said as he gave me a friendly shove.
I just looked at him strangely, I didn’t recognize any of these men. They all panicked and realized that I had amnesia and I would never be like I was before again. You would think that having amnesia isn’t really anything bad, but you should think again. It was frustrating trying to remember my past. It was like my mind was completely blank, totally wiped out. I had a clear mind. It was uncomfortable being with the guys. They treated me as one of them… but I just thought of them as strangers.
The tour was immediately cancelled and the guys tried everything they could to keep the news about me having amnesia quiet. Soon enough, I was well enough to leave the hospital and we continued with our rehearsals. But I didn’t remember anything that we had done before. It was already a month and the tour couldn’t be postponed any longer so the guys went on tour and I just went with them. I didn’t do any performances though and that drew some attention and the guys just had to keep covering up for me and getting the fans away. It was hard trying to learn everything again. It was like I was totally brainwashed. Then while we were doing a photo shoot with these models, one was totally coming onto me. She was pretty sexy and beautiful, and being stupid I just did everything she wanted me to. I stayed with her for 12 years. It’s actually quite amazing how she wasn’t as flirty as I thought she was. She was even nice. We got married, and had a kid, but I never felt like I really loved her. Something was missing in my life. I gained some memory but was never fully recovered… until a year ago, I overheard Brian and Kevin talking…
“I’m so glad Nick is doing so much better. It’s unusual that someone should lose their memory for so long,” Brian said.
“At least he had some memory back. But in a way, I’m glad that his entire memory isn’t back, before when he was with that Lydia he was always talking about her, never showing up for rehearsals… you could say he was ruining it for us. Remember how we said we were going to kick him out of the group if he didn’t make an effort anymore? All he cared about was his love life and Lydia. We haven’t even met her!”
“Kev, you can’t say that. Nick had never been so much in love. The other day he told me he felt like something was missing in his life that Kim couldn’t fill in, I knew he was talking about Lydia. I couldn’t bear to see the guy’s sad expression. I mean, we should’ve told him about Lydia, it’s like he’s never happy or something. It’s not a crime to be in love you know. Just tell him that he should put just as much time into his career and his love life. We’re too selfish to do this to him.”
“I can’t believe that you guys actually kept that from me all these years! When were you actually considering telling me about this?” I immediately barged into the room, feeling extremely angry – no, extremely furious was more like it. I knew that there was something missing! I couldn’t believe that they had kept this from me and you and the public just because they wanted me to be part of the group. They made me unhappy in order to keep them happy. The guys were supposedly my best friends. All memories of you flashed back into my mind and I realized just how much I was in love with you. I made them tell me where you were but unfortunately, they had burned my address book. I couldn’t believe that they had gone this far to just stop me from seeing you. I frantically searched around for you, but I didn’t know where to start, the world was so big, it would take me my whole lifetime to find you. I immediately forgot all about my family and my career. Kim couldn’t put up with it, so I divorced her. I didn’t see the point in being with someone that I didn’t love. She was heartbroken. I felt guilty for making her so unhappy just for my happiness, but life’s like that. The guys did it to me didn’t they? I did everything in order to try to remember you. I forgave the guys for betraying me and they even tried to help me by telling me what I had told them before, nothing had ever worked and my relationship with the guys were drifting apart. Backstreet Boys wasn’t doing so well and well dropped out of the public eye with Kevin practically forty, we just weren’t who we used to be. But nonetheless, I continued to search for you. One night, I was feeling like I was ready to give up, but as I drove along the beach late in the night, I suddenly remembered that the beach was where we first met. Looking up I saw the stars twinkling and I remembered the stars that were arranged in a heart shape. We called it our constellation, remember? I was so excited, finally after another year, I finally made some progress. Memories of you flooded back into my mind and I immediately drove as fast as I could to the airport, and then I came here as fast as I could. You had no idea how scared I was wondering if you were already married.”
I had tears in my eyes. So much had torn us apart and yet destiny seemed to have twisted and turned and brought him back to me. It had been a long time, but it was worth the wait. As Nick leaned in to embrace me, I leaned in toward him as well. He kissed me lightly on the cheek and then I could hear him whisper softly into my ear, “I love you.”