Friday night came around. I had finished unpacking the last two or three small boxes I had during the day. I decided that I would stay home and just relax. I had gone out earlier to rent a couple of movies. I popped one of the movies into the VCR when the phone rang. "Hello," I answered. "Hey Annie!" It was Nick. "Remember when I said I'd be calling you for the directions to your place? Well, I'm calling." I smiled and asked, "You got a pen and paper?" "Yes, ready and waiting," he said with a chuckle. I gave him the directions. It turned out that he didn't live too far from where I was. "So, what are you doing?" he asked. "Nothing . . . getting ready to watch a couple of movies," I replied. "Sounds cozy." "Yeah," I replied. We talked for about thirty minutes. He was telling me the plans he had for our date tomorrow. In a way, I was kind of excited about going out with Nick but I still didn't understand why it was happening so soon. Actually, I was really scared of the big age difference and the fact that my relationship with men hasn't been good for the past eleven years. I was afraid of giving in to what I was feeling. What was I feeling? My head spun as we talked on the phone. Questions just reeling through my brain. "Well, I better let you go," Nick said. "Okay," I replied. "You know, I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow," Nick said. I stood on the phone in silence not knowing what to say. I was terrified. "Hey, are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah, I'm here," I replied. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow?" "Okay," I replied, "good night." "Good night," he replied and we both hung up the phone. Okay, I was petrified now. I've only known Nick for a few days and yet each action I took gave the impression that I was interested. "This is not going to work, Annie," I told myself. This cannot happen but it was . . . . . and I didn't know how to stop it.
I woke up Saturday morning from a restless sleep. As the sun peeked in through the curtains, I just laid there. I couldn't seem to catch my breath. My heart was beating a million times per minute and I was shaking tremendously. The more I thought about seeing Nick this afternoon, the more I couldn't catch my breath and the more I shook. I finally realized that I was having an anxiety attack. I had thought about calling Nick and canceling but I knew that I had to get over this hurdle sooner or later. I managed to catch my breath a little and got up out of bed. I roamed into the kitchen, poured myself a glass of milk and grabbed a bagel. I took a few small bites of the bagel but I couldn't bring myself to finish it not even the glass of milk. I was really scared. Memories of that fearful night started flooding my mind. The phone rang and I about fell off of the couch. "Hello." "Good morning, sunshine," Nick said. I was silent. "Annie?" "I'm here," I replied. Again, I was silent. "Are you okay?" Nick asked. "Yeah . . . yeah, I'm fine," I replied. "Your voice is trembling. Are you sure you're okay?" He sounded so concerned. "Yes, really, I'm fine," I reassured him. "You ready for today?" "Yeah, sure . . . I'm ready," I answered. "Annie, if you're not up to going, I'll understand," Nick said. "No, no. I want to go," I said. I knew I had to. It was the only way that I was going to get over this fear. Besides there was a side of me that wanted to go out with Nick.
Three o'clock finally came around and Nick was right on time. I opened the door. I was greeted with his gorgeous smile and blue eyes. "Hi, you ready?" "Yeah," I said, "I just need to get my purse." He followed me in and when I turned around, he handed me one single yellow long stemmed rose. I was surprised, "Thank you, Nick. This is so sweet." "You're welcome," he replied. We had a great time. I met the rest of the guys, Brian, AJ, Howie and Kevin. They were really nice. We spent a couple of hours at Brian and AJ's place. Howie and Kevin were there, too. We all kind of just chit chatted about different things. Brian seemed to be the goofiest of the bunch. "So, I hear you're new to Florida," AJ asked. "Yeah, I am," I replied. "All the way from California, huh?" AJ pushed his sun glasses to the tip of his nose like a teacher or professor and smiled. I kind of laughed and said, "Yes." "Nick has been telling us about you ever since he met you," Brian explained. Nick shot Brian an embarassed look and said, "B-Rok, shut up, man!!" I just laughed. "Yeah," Howie replied, "he just cannot stop talking about you!" Nick was embarassed as he turned into different colors of pinkish red. "Annie, let's get out of here," Nick said with a bashful smile. As we walked out the door Brian, AJ, Kevin and Howie said in unison, "Have a wonderful evening you two!!" Nick just shook his head as we headed out the door.
We finally left to go to dinner which was wonderful. After dinner, we headed for the beach. It was a beautiful evening. We both kicked off our shoes and started walking in the sand. The sand was warm beneath my feet and a refreshing sea breeze blew over the beach. The sky was as clear as any night sky I had ever seen. Nick finally broke the silence. "So, I really don't know much about you." "No, you don't do you," I chuckled. "Would you mind telling me about yourself?" "Well, I'm originally from Virginia. I came to California when I was about 10 or 11. My father was in the Navy. His request for orders to California were granted and we came to California in 1977. "So, you're a Navy brat?" Nick asked with a laugh. "Yeah, I am," I replied laughing. "You're asian, right?" "Yes . . . Filipino to be exact." I couldn't believe I was telling this beautiful young man my life story, or part of my life story. I felt so comfortable now compared to earlier that day in certain ways. I still didn't want to tell him why I really came to Florida. I would try at all cost to avoid that subject. "I guess I really don't need to tell you much about me," he said. "Why not?" I asked, "Most of these magazines/tabloids really don't tell the truth." So, he began telling me how he got into the singing business and how he, AJ and Howie met and how BSB got together. "So you really didn't experience high school," I said. "No, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world." "Oh, I see," I replied. "Well . . . you know what I mean." We had stopped walking and just stood under the clear night sky. It seemed like every star was out that night. It was amazing. Then to hear the waves hit the shore was even more beautiful. As I looked up at the stars, I felt Nick move closer to my side. He took my hand into his. We stood there hand in hand for a few minutes. The next thing I knew, he had turned me so that I was facing him with his arms around my waist. I was frozen and terrified. I was still looking up at the night sky when he took my chin and lowered my face so that I was looking at him. He started to lower his lips to mine just slightly brushing them. My head was swirling and I was trembling. I knew he could feel me trembling. Just as we were about to kiss, I put my arms and hands against his chest and started to push away gently. "Nick, I can't . . . I'm not ready . . . I . . . " "What's wrong? I'm moving too fast, ain't I?" I still didn't feel comfortable going into detail my real reasons for ending up in Florida. "It's complicated . . . I can't explain it right now . . . I." I began to cry and he could see that I was fighting inside. He just didn't know what I was fighting. "Shhhh . . ." He placed a finger to my lips and said, "It's okay . . . I won't rush you if you're not ready." I smiled at him as the tears poured down my cheeks. "Is it the age difference?" he asked. "That is part of the reason. I'm 13 years older than you. To me, age doesn't matter. In the eyes of other people, it's a different story. I mean, what will the guys think?" "They already know how old you are. It doesn't matter to them," Nick replied, "as long as I am happy." "But the age thing isn't the main reason," I replied. And I began to cry even more. "I don't want you to get your hopes high about you and me. There are things that you don't know about me," I told him. Nick wrapped me in his arms to try and calm me down. And I took everything he gave as he pulled me closer. Somehow I felt so safe in his embrace. I knew right then that there was something between us, something special. I was just afraid that I would somehow ruin it.
Nick drove me home and walked me to my door. "Will you be alright?" "Yes, I'll be okay," I replied. "Please call me if you need anything. I don't care what time you call, just call, okay?" "I will, I promise," I whispered. He gave me one last hug and left.
Nick got home about midnight. He went straight into his room and just plopped himself on his bed. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Annie. He kept asking himself if he had done anything wrong. Was he moving too fast for her? He didn’t care that she was older. And he didn’t care what anybody would say. Nick knew that he just wanted to be with her. Brian had heard him come in. He knocked on Nick’s bedroom door, “Nick, you asleep?” “Nah,” Nick replied. Brian came in and sat at the foot of Nick’s bed. “So, how was it?” “It was great. We headed out to the beach after dinner,” Nick was telling Brian. Nick was silent for a minute. Brian could see that Nick was deep in thought. “Nick, what’s up? You look like something is bothering you,” Brian asked, “Is it Annie?” Nick was silent for a bit. “Bri, I came so close to kissing her tonight. I mean, I haven’t felt this way for a woman. Annie is so different from those other girls that I’ve seen,” he told Brian. “What happened?” “Well, we were getting ready to kiss and she started to push away. She knows that what is happening between her and I is right but something is stopping her. I asked her if I was moving too fast for her,” Nick told Brian. Brian was Nick’s best bud. Nick knew that he could tell Brian anything. “Maybe you are moving too fast, Nick,” Brian said, “you’ve only known eachother for a few days and does the age thing bother her?” “Kind of, I guess,” Nick replied, “she is worried about what other people would think. She was worried about you and the guys thinking that she’s too old for me. I told her that you guys didn’t care as long as I was happy.” Brian could see that this was really bothering Nick. He had never seen Nick hit this hard before. He just smiled at Nick and said, “Look Chaos, give her time. She is new to Florida. She doesn’t have any friends or family out here. Maybe she is just nervous.” “I don’t know,” Nick replied. “Just give her time, man,” Brian told Nick as he smiled. “Get some rest. We got a long day tomorrow.” “Alright, see you in the morning,” Nick replied. After Brian left his room, Nick laid there for a few minutes thinking about what happened tonight. He soon turned off the light and fell asleep thinking about Annie.
I awoke the next morning to my eyes swollen from crying most of the night. I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about what happened last night. I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I kept asking myself what was happening to me. I looked towards the window and saw the rose that Nick had given me last night. I had put it in a pretty crystal vase. It had a beautiful glow to it. The sun must have been hitting it in the right way. I began to cry again. It was about 6:30 a.m. when the phone rang. I already knew who it was. I decided not to answer it. My answering machine finally picked the call up after the fourth ring. I was right . . . it was Nick. “Annie, hello,” Nick said, “are you home?” “I just wanted to see how you were doing. I’m worried about you,” Nick said. He was silent for a second, “Well, I’ll try and call you later. Please give me a call when you get this message, okay?” Tears began to roll down my face again. I had decided that morning that I needed to stop what was happening. I decided that I wouldn't see Nick anymore. I knew that this would hurt him. The funny thing was that it was hurting me more and I have only known him for a few days. What was happening to me? But I felt that it was for mine and especially his own good. He was young and I was sure that he would be able to find someone else his age and someone who didn’t have the problems I did. At that, I got out of bed and got ready. I was going to go shopping to try and keep myself occupied.
Nick tried calling Annie again and there was still no answer. It was almost a week since their date. He knew that she was avoiding him. He had tried several times by dropping by her apartment and she was never home or she just didn’t answer the door. He was determined to get a hold of her one way or another. He had talk to Brian again about Annie. Brian advised him that if he really wanted to be with Annie that he would do anything he could do to be with her. So, he was definitely determined to work at it. He figured that he would try and call Annie again later.
I had gone out for part of the day. I had spent some time at a park near by. When I got home there were several messages on my machine. I knew who it was since I really didn’t know anyone in town. I pushed the button to listen, “Annie, this is Nick. I haven’t seen or talk to you in a while. Just wondering if you’re okay. Um, I know you probably don’t want to hear this but I miss you.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I kept asking myself why this guy was so determined to be with me. Each message that played, Nick sounded more and more determined and that frightened me. As I listened to the last of Nick’s messages, the doorbell rang. I didn’t want to answer it and hoped that whoever it was would go away. “Annie, come on, open the door. I know you’re in there,” Nick hollered through the door. I started to panic. ‘Please Nick, just go find someone else, please’ I said to myself. “Annie, please . . .,” Nick pleaded, “please talk to me. We need to talk.” I approached the door and looked through the peephole. He looked so good. My heart raced when I saw those blue eyes. He actually made me laugh because Nick looked directly at the peephole and said, “I know you’re looking through the peep hole. Can’t we talk about this, please.” He flashed his smile and I about melted. I wasn’t in any condition to accept visitors let alone Nick. But he was persistent. “Annie, I’m not leaving until we talk,” he said. I opened the door slightly, just a small crack. “Hey,” Nick said softly, “how are you?” “I’m alright,” I replied. “Can we talk?” “Nick, what is there to talk about,” I asked him, “It’s just not going to work between us.” “Why not,” he asked. I stood silent for a bit. “Please, Annie, we need to talk about this,” he said. I took a deep sigh and opened the door. Nick came in and walked to the middle of my front room. “Have a seat,” I said. Nick sat on my couch and just looked at me. “Okay, let’s talk,” I said. Nick looked down and then at me, “Annie, why are you avoiding me?” “Nick, I told you, it’s not going to work. Please don’t make this any harder than it is already,” I told him. “You don’t need a woman like me. You can have any woman or girl you want, why me?” “Annie, I don’t know what it is about you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met on the beach,” he told me. “Nick, it’s too complicated. I can’t tell you . . . . It just won’t work,” I yelled. “Why not,” he yelled back. “Why can’t you tell me the reason why? What is it? What is stopping you?” Nick started to tear as he yelled. I felt so bad but I just didn’t know how to tell him. I wanted so much to take him in my arms and tell him that I wanted to be with him, too. I wanted to tell him everything but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. “Nick . . . . I’m sorry but I just can’t tell you,” I told him. “Please, please just forget about me,” I said. “Alright, alright,” Nick said. He got up and walked to the door. He looked back at me with this look of frustration and walked out. I really began to cry at that point. My tears turned into sobs as I grabbed a couch pillow and buried my face in it. I cried myself to sleep while calling his name.
It had been a couple of weeks since Nick dropped by. I knew he was upset. Since that day, I hadn’t been able to get him off my mind. I had even gone to the store and bought more of their CDs just so I could see Nick’s picture and hear his voice. Can you imagine how many times I played “I Need You?” It was so strange. I had been watching t.v., just flipping through channels when I happened to catch Brian talking with some t.v. host. The guys were being interviewed and they were going to perform one of their songs. The host got to the question of whether the guys had significant others. When he got to Nick, he said, “Well, yes I do have a significant other. And she knows who she is.” It was as if he knew that I was watching. They finally got up to do one of their songs. It was “Darlin.” They each sang their part and when the camera did a close up of Nick, he looked into the camera and lipped my name. I realized that Nick was determined to get through to me one way or another. My head was saying NO but my heart kept saying YES. I was so torn. After the show, I turned off the t.v. and headed to bed with thoughts of Nick reeling in my brain. At that point I knew that I had been hit hard and I just didn’t know how to handle it.
It was a Friday night and Nick decided that he would try to call Annie again. He figured if he left her alone for a while maybe she would come around. He picked up the phone and dialed. Her machine answered, “Hi, this is Annie. Sorry I missed you but leave a message and I promise I’ll call you back.” Nick waited for the beep. “Hi Annie. It’s Nick. Just wanted to see how you were doing,” Nick said and then hung up the phone. Kevin came into Nick’s room. “Nick, me and the guys are going to go out clubbing. You want to come,” Kevin asked. “No, I’ll pass,” Nick replied. “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m sure, Kev,” Nick replied. “Okay little brother. See ya later,” Kevin said. Nick was just in no mood to do anything unless it was with Annie.
After I got out of bed the next morning, I decided that I would head out to the mall. I needed to do a little shopping. I was planning on going job hunting and I needed a couple of nice suits for interviews. When I got there, it wasn’t that crowded. Maybe it was because all the teenagers were in school. As I was walking, I walked past a record store. A big poster of the guys caught my eye. I walked toward the window and stood there for a bit not noticing that Brian was coming up behind me. He tapped me on the shoulder and asked, “Hey Annie . . . how are you doing?” “Hi Brian. I’m surviving, I guess. How about you?” “I’m doing good,” Brian replied. “I’m surprised you’re able to walk through the mall without anyone recognizing you,” I said. “Well, all the teenage girls are in school. This is my only chance of some time to shop and I don’t shop very often,” he chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so,” I replied. “Have you had lunch yet?” “No. Actually, I just got here,” I replied. “You want to get a bite to eat?” “Sure, why not,” I replied. We found a small place in the mall and ate. After we finished, we just kind of sat and talked for a while. “Annie, I know you probably don’t want to talk about this but I have to tell you,” Brian paused. “Did Nick put you up to this?” “No, no,” Brian replied. “Annie, he has just been miserable these past couple of weeks. He hasn’t been himself lately,” Brian said. “Bri, I already told him that it wouldn’t work,” I replied. “You know, he doesn’t care about the age difference. He doesn’t even care what his fans or anyone thinks,” Brian said. “I haven’t seen Nick hit this hard before. He has dated some girls in the past but he never reacted this way with any of them until you came along,” Brian explained. “Can’t you just try and talk this out? I hate seeing Frack this way.” I looked at Brian in frustration. “Look, I know you feel the same way Nick feels about you. Can you at least give him a call? I’m sure hearing your voice would brighten his spirits,” Brian said. I hesitated to answer and said, “Okay, okay. I’ll call him today. I’ll go home and I’ll call him. Is he home?” “Yeah, he’s home. He hasn’t really been out much in the last couple of weeks,” Brian replied. “Okay, I’ll call him,” I said. Brian gave me a smile and we both walked out together.
Nick was in the living room when the phone rang. “Hello,” Nick answered. I was silent for a bit. “Hello,” Nick said again. It was like I had lost my voice. Nick paused for a bit and finally broke the silence over the phone, “Annie? Is this you?” It was incredible how he knew it was me. “Nick . . . hi . . . it’s me,” I replied. “Annie,” Nick said, “Hi, how are you?” I could see that Nick’s face had brightened up just by the sound of his voice. “I’m doing good. How about you?” “I’m here, alive, I guess,” Nick kind of laughed. My heart was pounding and my arms ached to hold him. “I miss you, Annie,” Nick said. I began to tear and my voice began to tremble, “I know Nick,” I replied. “Hey, hey, what are you crying for?” “Nick . . . why don’t you come by tonight. I would really like your company,” I said. Nick brightened up even more, “Yeah, sure, I’ll be there. What time?” “How about 7 p.m.?” “Sure, seven is fine. I’ll see you tonight,” Nick replied. We said our good byes and finally hung up. I was terrified. I was about to open up my heart and soul to a man. And I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it.
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