click for song!


its come full circle, from the first time i waited for your call, to now, when i know im waiting for nothing. enter the indifferent manhunter, eager to prove her worth, but knowing it doesnt mean anything if once more you won't look her way. going home with people has never felt so childish.

i look back to the month before that, and the month before that in all of my journals, and theres always an element of questioning to our interaction. funny me, i thought i could be an answer.

faking something is my last resort. if you feel the desire to falsify some aspect of yourself, ultimately that aspect will dissappear entirely. you will have lied yourself into being.
while i appreciate the testament to human will, id much rather just change on my own. its true that people change in their lives, some more, some less. i have no problem with that, but i do not want my mind to feel like a hot-house flower: over-cultivated and artificial.
in my defense, i do not feel that omitting facts is faking.

" It was the reverse of falling, which is not flight, but solid ground."

its not exactly fair. his eloquence, my toungue-tied, stuttered half phrases. words fall stangled from my lips, dead before theyre comprehended. i want his ease, his precision, his ability to say exactly what we've all been thinking. i cant have it, i know; its expected that my zombie-like state of expression will suffice for me.
how am i supposed to say great things? i can never explain fully how i feel with these almost-words.
perhaps im so intrigued by foriegn languages in the hopes that somewhere out there is one that will let me say exactly what i mean.
i am unhappy, might be the message i want to say right now. i am lost, i am losing, i am invisible and you wont even notice, because i would never tell you.
but even that sounds a little trite. so i'll take it back. i am the queen of cool. chill. i have nothing to say to you, and ill leave it at that when we speak. no need for you to know that i have nothing to say only because i dont have the words to tell you what i mean.
i do not want what i do not want, and i do not want what i cannot have. or at least that was the original idea.