.12.15.00. | .03:19:34.am.

"and that was that. our one sweet night together. under highway signs i watched our love start fluttering and dissipating..."

ahhh.. donut feel good! i feel like ten bucks.. ahh i say. ahh! i'm having a great day, great week, great winter.. great everything! note to self: stop using "!'s".. it's starting to annoy me. (shut up self! get back in your hole!) yeah, i'm talking to myself here. wow, and you know what? since i talk out loud when i type, this is just weird. anyway... let me describe me for a second, i don't often do this so listen up kids. this would be a lot easier with a webcam now that i think of it. anyway, here's me. and as i type this, i'm thinking PUNK ROCK! hahaha.. gray champion sweatshirt (or as rudy and anthony like to call it, a "hoodie".. bleh.), a green "give drugs the boot" shirt, nike windbreakers, black hanes socks, adidas flipflops, red (ugh) boxers, my super smart looking black glasses, and my brown stussy beanie. heh. it's kinda cold. and i guess i didn't really describe me as opposed to describing what i am wearing. oh well.. PUNK ROCK! heh. yeah.. i saw a pretty bad movie today, dude, where's my car. wow. i loves my bad movies! so it was great! and it was great because it was free! and it was great because a lot of people i knew came. that was great, seeing a bunch of old faces. made my day i tell you. but that's not what's making me type and talk so damn much. the debanate's went to the philippines today, and a bunch of us hung out with them last night. fun times, fun times.. but that's not it either! have i found that someone? nope! (err.. nevermind) have i.. sold my soul for pudding? i don't think so! what could it POSSIBLY be that has put me in the best of moods, kids? tell me! TELL ME!! well here's the twenty thousand dollar answer.. someone, i know not who or how or why or when or whatever but someone, found my slapstick tape and put it right here on the mousepad. like it's been sitting there for the past year and a half i've been looking for it! dammit! but anyway, i love this tape! i love slapstick! great band! reminds me of how much i like punk/ska and why i joined a ska band in the first place, which was to have fun and play happy, catchy, skankingly good music! god what a great band. i think losing this tape started that whole getting into emotional music thing. wow, what a revelation. boo fucking hoo. but back to the feelng good tip.. slapstick! ahhh.. "in your face and it feels so good." i just talked to judy online. whenever i'm in a good/bad mood. she is almost always in that opposite of moods. like every time. but this time, THIS TIME, we are both feeling exceptionally great. i wonder what the kicker is... nope, not gonna ruin THIS moment, i tellz ya! d'oh. the tape has instinctively just stopped. funny guy, that fate is.. ya know who i miss? i miss my cousin tricia. yup, i said it. not so much her, but her calling me "kooz" which stood for "kuya" which means kinda like "big bro" in tagalog (filipino language). yup, i miss that. she lives in california now. i'm gonna go to california this summer! can't wait. haven't been there since i was like two or something. i remember the plane ride and disneyland.. or is it disneyworld? oh well. ya know what else i miss? i miss walking in and out of ska shows for free because my band was playing. that was always fun, pretending to be more important than i really was. what else.. if you haven't noticed, i feel like being random right now. whenever i'm in a great homeostatic mood, i tend to overexaggerate little, stupid, unimportant things. like that globe over there. it's just sitting there and it's BEEN sitting there for the last i dunno, eight or nine years. have i ever used that globe? has anybody ever used it? does anyone besides me right now know my house holds a globe in this den? i doubt it. why is that globe sitting there? it's 3:45am now and everyone in this house has just decided to go to sleep. like at the same time, just now. that was crazy. not i, though. not me at all. i'm wide-eyed like no other. winter break rules. ya know what's great about winter break? right now, for me, here's what.. almost every morning since last thursday, i've been awake and have seen the sun rise. i never usually get to see that sunrise. never. last i recall was the chicago trip in august, and that was in the summer! i think there was another time too, but as you can see, this whole seeing the sunrise tip for me is something rare and special and something i'm not used to on a daily basis. it's kind of unfair that my cousin in cali gets to see it first every morning, but then again, i doubt she'd be awake every morning at 5 something to see it. but i get to see it rise every morning this winter break, after which i clonk onto the couch and fall asleep and wake up at 3pm. but that's beside the point, whatever that point may be. and it's quiet as hell now. the only sound left in this house is me on the keyboard and that loud-as-fuck clock on the wall which, by the by, doesn't tell the right time, which i'll never understand why. the beanie is off, i'm hot again. i just talked to pete. he's having fun with finals. riiiiight. sucks to be in indiana right now. ok. gonna be serious for a second here. got some issues to tackle. not really though. what am i to do, oh what am i to do.. i'm bitching about the girl situation, of course, if you must know. you see, i can't help it. i love feeling this way. it's just something i can't escape. anyway, i don't know what to do. i see this girl so very often it seems. the way she looks at me is just, i dunno.. it's hard to describe, and as ample i am at this description thing, i'd rather you have your imagination "up and atom".. and i won't lie to you: she's beautiful. she's smart. she's funny. she scares me with a combination like that. i'm trying very hard to find something wrong with her. it's not happening. why is that. oh well. anyway, being with her is something that would just be great. super happy fun slide. but that pitfall of the breakup, which i know all too well, is quite a climb, and in this circumstance, it's quite a fall before the climb back. and i know it's worth it. it's always worth it. but i don't know if i'm ready for that jump again. it's a long jump. a hurdle, a pole vault, if you will. but is that the problem? not quite. the real problem is that i don't know how i feel about another girl. yes, "another girl".. can i be anymore in general with "you", internet person? but it doesn't stop there! no no! there are others that are in the mix as well. and boy does that suck. and herein lies the problem. i'm feeling like such a dick right now. such a fucking typical guy. god i hate that. like, am i leading these girls on to things that i shouldn't be leading them on to? i bet i am! oh i bet i bet i am! me feeling bad about this is evidence enough that i don't want it like this. but i like certain, different people for different reasons. each girl i meet and get to know i like in a different way, which is a great thing, be it friendship or otherwise. i hate to throw this in now, but i took a personality test a while back and i found that i'm compatible with NO ONE! can you believe that? all my friends are not compatible with me, yet i think my friends rule the world. it just goes to show that i find interest in people that think completely different from me. i'm a boring person, really i am. anyway, rudy tells me to go after the first one. simon says (ha!) to get with another. daisy bee says to get with the one that attracts me "mentally and physically".. well shit. aren't i the lucky one. i don't know what i want out of life right now. actually, i know exactly what i want. EXACTLY. i want to find her. the one. "the one." i thought i had her. a couple of times. i lost them both and the falls both hurt in different ways. but that's what this is all about, isn't it? throwing yourself in there and just letting it all go from there. it would be nice if it were that easy though, which it probably is, but it's human nature to complicate the most simple of concepts. and that is probably what i am doing. masochism i say. i really can go on and on and then on again about this, but really, what's the point? and i wonder how i got from slapstick to here.. whatev bev. i'm gonna go watch kids now. that's always a time. i'm still feeling like ten bucks though.. dare i do it? yes, yes i do: !!!! haha.. oh well, just me being typical random ryan again. bleh. i realize that the more i type, the higher the chance of my mood to swing like crazy. but it's swung back into happyville- and i'm the mayor! not funny! yeah, i'm sure you care. i'll still have cigarettes and sunrises. (by the by, yeah you thought correctly. that's the title of my next writing. clever huh? "CLEVERNESS is godliness and god is empty.. just like me." ooo.. take that pete!) laterz..

"...i counted all the headlights to make sure i was all right. now i'm wondering is it me or is it me that can't see silver linings? so i fucked it up. i watched you go."
:: saves the day. { jesse and my whetstone }

back, back, backwards motion...