Helpless Continued~ Death's Dance
Chris sat on the window seat of the hotel room and stared outside at the heavy blanket of snow. It was coming down hard, hiding all objects outside. He felt the cold air radiating from the glass and it made the inside feel all the more warmer.
“You okay?” Justin asked, sitting down beside him.
“I guess,” Chris sighed, not turning away from the window. It had been a month since his last serious seizure, and he was currently taking prescription Phenobarbital to help control them. He still had two mild seizures since then, and the incidents had robbed Chris of his sparkle. He lived in constant fear of another seizure, and was embarrassed by them. Waking up with the others looking down on him with pity made him feel vulnerable and helpless. He knew they loved him, but he still felt depressed.
“You wanna do anything tonight?” Joey asked from his spot on the couch.
Chris turned tired eyes to Joey. “Not really. But don’t let me stop you guys from doing anything.” He felt tired, the way he always felt anymore. The Phenobarbital was a prescription that slowed the heart and body in order to reduce the risk of seizure.
“Don’t be stupid, we wouldn’t go out and leave you here alone,” J.C. said. They had all missed having the regular Chris bouncing around, but they weren’t going to let him go through this alone.
Chris looked out the window again and lost himself in the twirling snowflakes that sparkled in the hotels outside lights.
“You wanna play Sega or anything?” Justin asked, trying to shake Chris from his mood.
Chris thought for a moment then turned to Justin who was smiling idiotically. Chris couldn’t help but laugh as he answered, “Sure.”
“Cool!” Justin jumped up and slid in front of the TV, grabbing a controller. Justin turned the TV to channel three and turned on the game.
“Hey!” Lance complained. “I was watching that!”
“Well you’re not watching it anymore, are you?” Justin asked, smiling at Lance.
Chris came and sat down beside Justin, taking the other control. “What are we playing?” he asked, interrupting Lance.
“Sonic, I think,” Justin replied, giving the game his full attention.
“But I hate this game,” Chris whined.
“Oh shut up and play it,” Justin teased, hitting start.
Chris sighed and looked back at the others. They were each lost in their own little world, except for Lance, who stared angrily at the back of Justin’s head. Chris smiled at him and he smiled back. Then Chris turned back to the game, which Justin had already started and was proceeding to beat Chris. “You can’t do that!” Chris exclaimed, starting his player. “You never said you were starting!”
“You gotta be quick with me!” Justin said in concentration.
“Only because you cheat,” Chris huffed, quickly catching up to Justin.
“You could beat any one of us with your eyes closed,” Justin said. “That’s why I have to cheat.”
“I’ll take that as the compliment it was supposed to be,” Chris smiled, dropping the conversation.
After a few minutes, Lance grew bored. “I’m gonna go take a walk you guys,” he said, getting up.
“It’s freezing out there,” Joey replied, looking at Lance in shock.
“I don’t care,” Lance replied.
“There’s three feet of snow on the ground,” J.C. added.
“It’s better than sitting in here all night,” Lance said.
“You could always go get us something to eat,” Justin said flatly.
“I’m not your servant,” Lance said, straightening up.
The others remained silent until Lance sighed, “Fine. I’ll be back.” Lance turned and left, smiling to himself. He knew that the others took him too seriously at times, and he loved having fun with them. "Goodbye!" he called, then went in the hall, shutting the door behind him.
"Is he really mad?" Joey asked J.C.
"No, I don't think so. Do you?"
"I don't know."
Chris had finally gotten his player in front of Justin's; there was only one more lap to go. The two moved their bodies as they played, showing how involved they were.
J.C. and Joey watched the two play their game, then laughed when Chris beat Justin despite his head start.
"Ha! I win!" Chris beamed, setting his control on the floor.
"You cheated!" Justin shot back, trying to act serious.
"I did not!"
"Too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"N-"
"Guys!" Joey yelled. "Stop!"
Justin glared at Chris. 'Too,' he mouthed.
Chris's reply was delayed when black spots danced before his eyes. He felt tingly all over and knew what was coming. His mouth began to water and Chris looked to J.C. with dread.
"Chris…" J.C. started, recognizing Chris's pleading look. As J.C. got up off the couch, Chris began jerking and lay down on the floor. The others scrambled to help as Chris's trembling developed into a full-blown seizure.
J.C. sat on the floor beside Chris. His heart sank to watch his friend go through this again. Justin glanced at his watch and announced, "It's ten thirty one."
Joey made a quick note and got a washcloth from the bathroom before returning to wait for Chris to come out of it. He sat down behind J.C. and watched Chris with the same feeling of sadness that he had all the other times. Chris's eyes were closed and his mouth opened and clenched down again, biting his tongue with great force. His hands were straining as if he were digging his way out from somewhere, and his arms and legs convulsing terribly.
J.C. gently placed his hand under Chris's head to keep it from banging on the floor. After a few more seconds, Chris went limp and wore the haunted look that always followed his seizures. He was panting and out of breath as he stared off at the ceiling.
"Ten thirty two," Justin announced quietly. "One minute."
J.C. took the washcloth from Joey and wiped the blood from where it was trickling down Chris's cheek. "Come on Chris," J.C. coaxed, trying to get Chris to wake up.
Chris continued looking around the room in his disconnected way as the others looked at each other. "Why isn't this medicine working?" Joey asked.
"I don't know," J.C. replied. "I do know you become immune to it after a while. Just think about how bad he would be if he wasn’t taking it."
"Why don't we know what is causing this yet?" Justin asked.
"Because there's so many things it could be," J.C. sighed. "The doctors are-"
J.C. was interrupted when Chris began trembling again. "Is he going again?" Joey asked worriedly.
They watched as Chris began opening and closing his mouth as his eyes rolled back. "I think so," J.C. said as Chris began convulsing again.
Chris heaved unconsciously as he jerked and thrashed against J.C. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead but he remained rigid. His breaths were raspy and he wheezed as he desperately inhaled, his body greedily sucking up oxygen to feed it’s exhausted muscles.
“This isn’t suppose to happen,” Justin said as he looked at J.C. “What do we do?”
The tension in the room had raised with uncertainy. “I don’t know yet,” J.C. replied, wishing Chris to stop. “He did take his pills, right?”
“Yeah, I saw him,” Joey spoke up.
“Can we give him another one?” Justin asked, his eyes darting from J.C. to Chris.
J.C. shook his head. “Not now, he could choke on it,” he said. Chris began to stop his wild thrashing and J.C. began to release his tight grip on Chris’s shoulder.
They were interrupted when the door opened and Lance walked in, carrying bags of food. He saw the others gathered around the foot of the couch and knew something was wrong. Lance set down the food and went to see what was wrong. He looked down at Chris, lying on the floor and looking around blankly. “He had another one?” Lance asked, regretting he came back so soon.
“Yeah,” J.C. nodded. “Two.”
“Two?” Lance repeated. “How?”
“I don’t know,” J.C. sighed.
Lance felt a lump of sorrow build up inside him and he sat down next to Joey. “Should we call someone?” he asked.
“Not yet,” J.C. said. “The doctor did warn us that they vary in time. He’ll come out of this.” Chris continued to tremble slightly as J.C. started calling his name again. “Come on Chris,” J.C. whispered. “You’re scaring the hell out of us.”
Chris remained silent as he looked from one corner of the ceiling to the other. His eyes rested on J.C., but no recognition took form. He panted and remained limp, like a flickering jack o’ lantern with an icy stare.
“Should we give him a Phenobarb now?” Joey asked.
“Not yet,” J.C. remained calmly. “He’s not fully back yet.” Chris’s right arm was still twitching, and there still was no sign of awareness in his eyes. “Joey, what’s the time?” J.C. asked, becoming concerned.
Joey looked at his watch, making sure the time was correct. “It’s ten fifty nine.”
“This is the longest one yet,” Justin said, looking at Chris with sympathy.
The twitching in Chris’s arm grew to an obvious trembling, and then it spread to the rest of his body. This seizure was not as bad as the last two, but the others were still getting worried. He was breathing heavily and sweating hard from the abuse his body was taking. The trembling continued as he ground his teeth together and stared into the distance.
“So we just wait it out?” Lance asked.
“I don’t know,” J.C. replied. “This never happened with my uncle. He always came out of it after one seizure.”
The guys sat in silence, feeling uncomfortable by not being able to help Chris. They had to sit and watch their friend live through this alone, and it wasn’t easy on their conscious. After a few minutes, Chris stopped seizing, bringing them new hope. They sat and waited for that blessid look of confusion that always consumed Chris’s face after a seizure. Time seemed to drag on as Chris looked around blankly, not focusing on anything or anyone. His breathing was getting harder, as if he had just sprinted three miles.
“Chris,” J.C. called, void of emotion. Chris continued to look around, and J.C. called again. Instead of getting the response he longed for, Chris began trembling again and quickly slipped into another bad seizure. “That’s it,” J.C. said, getting up. His eyes were red and watery as he grabbed the hotel’s phone. He dialed 911 but became too choked up to talk. J.C. gave the phone to Lance and sat down next to Chris again.
The other’s remained silent and realized if J.C. was upset, the situation was getting bad. Justin and Joey watched Chris’s body spasm as if he were being electrocuted and silently asked why God was punishing their friend. Lance turned away to talk to the operator, afraid he too would become too emotional to help the operator.
“Screw this,” J.C. interrupted, getting up again. Panic was taking over as he walked to the bathroom and got one of Chris’s pills. He filled a glass a quarter full of water and brought it and the pill back to Chris. When Chris had begun his dull stare, J.C. put the Phenobarbital in Chris’s mouth. To J.C.’s surprise, Chris tried to swallow the pill although he hadn’t fully woken up yet. J.C. carefully poured the water into Chris’s mouth, a few drops at a time so as not to drown him.
“That’s good though, right?” Joey asked, watching how Chris responded to the pill and water.
“I guess we’ll see,” J.C. mumbled as Lance hung up the phone. “What did they say?” J.C. snapped.
“They have an ambulance on the way, but things are really backed up because of the snow. Not just the wrecks, the ambulance’s can’t even get through unless they follow a snowplow.”
“So what the hell are we suppose to do with him?” J.C. asked, enraged.
“She said to just wait and they’ll be here as soon as they can,” Lance sighed, watching Chris gasping for air as he trembled slightly.
J.C. felt Chris’s neck, both searching for a heartbeat and hoping that the touch would bring Chris back. Although Chris remained the same, J.C. found the pounding heartbeat. “Something’s wrong,” he muttered, concentrating. “His heart is racing. A can barely distinguish individual beats.”
Chris began jerking again, sweat dripping off him and spotting the carpet. He was hot to the touch and turning an exhausted shade of red. The guys watched as Chris went through another mild seizure, then stopped in a desperate attempt to catch his breath. “What time is it now?” J.C. asked.
“Eleven ten,” Joey replied quietly.
“Jesus,” J.C. whispered. “Where the hell is the ambulance?” he yelled, getting up and walking to the window. He began to pace the hotel, making the others anxious too. J.C. looked at Chris. “His heart’s hammering and that Phenobarb isn’t doing a damn thing,” he said to any one who was listening.
“We did everything we can,” Justin said. “We can’t make him stop.”
Chris began seizing for the seventh time in a row. It was a grand mal like the others, and Chris thrashed on the floor. J.C.’s throat tightened at the overwhelming helpless feeling that exploded inside him. He went to sit next to Chris and almost fainted of relief when Chris stopped moving.
“Did he finally stop?” Justin asked, a smile spreading over his face.
J.C. smiled also. “Hey there Lucky,” he teased, waving his hand in front of Chris’s face. Chris gave no response so J.C. continued, his smile never fading.
“Uh, J.C.,” Lance started quietly.
“What?”
“He’s uh... he’s not breathing.”
J.C. stopped waving and looked at Chris’s chest. There was no steady rise and fall to reassure him. No panting from the explosion of energy that had just taken place in his body. J.C.'s smile faded as he poked at Chris. "Chris, come on buddy, breathe," he said, panic overtaking him.
Tears welled up in Justin's eyes as he watched J.C. try to wake Chris up. "J.C.-"
"He's not dead!" J.C. interrupted, lightly slapping Chris's cheek. He kneeled on the floor by Chris's head, where there lay a puddle of sweat and blood. J.C. felt Chris's sweaty neck for a heartbeat, but where there was once a thundering pulse was now silent. Tears blurred J.C.'s eyes as he looked at Chris. "He just didn't wake up yet," J.C. told himself out loud.
Joey got up and walked to the window, where he stood looking out onto the street. Justin and Lance got on the floor next to J.C. and each placed a hand on J.C.'s shoulder. They felt J.C. silently sob under their touch, sending their emotions into overdrive as they also realized exactly what happened.
Joey turned to look at them with red eyes. "Ambulance is here," he announced with disgust.
"Well its too fucking late now," J.C. snapped, getting up suddenly. He paced back and forth a few moments before going to a wall and slamming his fist into it. He didn't even blink as a loud crack announced his newly broken wrist, but instead turned and came back to sit beside Chris. "I love you," he whispered, then bent over to embrace Chris's lifeless body.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," Lance said to himself.
"None of us did," Joey shot back unnecessarily.
Tears fell freely as the paramedics burst through the door. They quickly gathered around the body and began recording stats, then they found there weren't any. "We got a flat-liner," the first man said to his partner.
Together they pried J.C. off Chris and gently placed Chris's body on a stretcher. J.C., Lance and Joey all followed the paramedics on their way to the ambulance. Once they reached it, the medics got out the miniature paddles used to shock the heart back into functioning. After the machine warmed up and Chris was in the ambulance, the first medic placed the paddles on Chris's now bare chest and sent a jolt through Chris's motionless body. Not getting a response, he tried again, still not getting a response.
"Can't you do anything?" J.C. pleaded from the ground.
After one more try, the medic gave up and sadly shook his head. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry?" J.C. mocked. "I'm sorry? We watch our best friend die a terrible death so unlike his personality and all you can say is sorry?"
"We've done all we can," the medic answered, keeping his eyes to the others. "There's nothing else anyone could have done."
This had all happened too fast. "You could have gotten here sooner," Justin said, wiping his eyes as he looked at the ground.
"The only thing we could have done by getting here sooner was giving him Valium, which we don't even have on the ambulance," the medic replied. "I know this all happened in a blur, but I’m sorry is about the only condolence I can give."
The guys remained silent, the terrible event slowly sinking into their minds like fog. "Can you at least tell us how he died?" J.C. asked softly.
"We can have the doctors at the hospital look at him, yes," the medic said as the other closed the ambulance door. "Would you like to follow us down there?"
"I guess," J.C. choked out. The medics both nodded and got in the ambulance, leaving the four remaining members to comfort each other.
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," Lance cried, trying to wipe away his tears as fast as they fell.
"None of us did," J.C. said, placing his hand on Lance's shoulder.
"He didn't even look dead," Joey sniffed. He looked around, feeling totally lost. "What do we do now?" he asked, his throat tight.
"I don't think I can drive," J.C. said, shaking slightly as he tried to hold in his sobs.
Justin went back inside the hotel and sat in a leather chair in the lobby. The others followed, feeling weak on their feet. A big hole had just been ripped in all of them, and they had no idea where to even begin getting themselves back together. The agony of losing their brother was too much, and the feeling made them numb. "You think he knew we were with him?" Justin asked quietly.
"I think he knew," J.C. replied, his voice cracking.
"At least he won't have to live like that anymore," Joey said.
"Just the fear of having a seizure in front of us was killing him," Lance added. "We were losing the Chris that had always been there."
"But he's dead!" J.C. said. "We'll never see him again, ever! Do you realize how hard this is going to be?"
"But we have each other," Lance said. "We have to make peace with this because there's nothing we can do now."
"I want to know how the hell he died. Seizures do not kill people," J.C. said, wiping his tears.
"Well let's go then," Justin said, getting up on weak legs.
The normally fifteen minute ride took half an hour in the snow. By the time the guys arrived at the hospital, they had quieted their sobs to occasional sniffles and eye wipes. Solemnly, they walked into the hospital and found there way to where the doctors were examining Chris's body. They sat in the chairs and waited, letting the outside world dull to a blur.
After a few moments, a doctor came out into the waiting room and introduced himself to the remaining members of Nsync. "Hey guys, I’m doctor Lirpa. I'm terribly sorry about Chris. If it's any comfort, he wasn't in any pain when he died."
The statement brought a whole new wave of tears to their eyes and Justin asked, "He knew we were with him, right?"
"Probably," Dr. Lirpa smiled, sitting down beside them. "During the time in between his seizures he was not totally unconscious, and I'm positive he could sense your presence. You guys did good."
"How did he die?" J.C. asked, determined to bring the true cause of his best friend's death to the surface.
"Simple heart attack," Dr. Lirpa replied. "His heart couldn't handle the stress of all the seizures, and it threw his heart into overdrive."
"Why didn't the Phenobarbital stop it?" Lance asked.
"His body was just past the point where anything could help. The Valium would have just prolonged things and made it worse for Chris," Dr. Lirpa said, looking into each of their eyes.
The guys said nothing and kept their eyes glued to the floor. They knew how hard life was now going to be, and it would be a long time before they could resume their normal routine.
"Expect to be upset everyday for a couple months. It's normal, and something like this won't dull easily. All you can do is try to make peace with yourselves."
The guys each nodded and quietly filed out of the waiting room. Nothing anyone could say would prepare them for the hard time that lay ahead, and for now they would just have to take it one day at a time.
Finish
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown-
In loving memory of Annie, 1986-2000
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